2017 Offseason Power Rankings - Part I: The Basement-Dwellers

So. That was an offseason.

After Kevin Durant kind of changed the game last year, this summer became an utter clusterfuck of star - and superstar - movement.

As the salary cap bonanza continued, teams threw astronomical amounts of money around, even with the cap coming up shorter than projected.

Rumors, beefs and demands completely flooded the internet. The soap opera and hype machine factors were higher than ever before.

A deep draft loaded with (what else) point guards gave the league a huge supplement at what was already its most talented position.

And while the Warriors still stand alone as the NBA's best, the power dynamic beneath them has shifted noticeably amid the dustup over the past few months.

So who came out on top of all this madness? Focusing purely on this summer's impact, Banter's attempting to rank how the NBA's various entities fared over the offseason, starting at the bottom with the Basement-Dwellers:

Last Place: The Eastern Conference
It was already long the crappier of the two conferences, but this summer for the East was like Season 3 for the Barksdale crew.

Two of the East's four best players were traded to the West for virtually nothing. A third All-Star left for absolutely nothing. As such, the Hawks, Pacers and Bulls are about to nosedive down the standings, leaving a huge void at the bottom of the playoff bracket.

Concurrently, there was little-to-no progress from East doormats like Orlando, Brooklyn and New York. With the possible exception of the Celtics, every East team top-to-bottom is now crappier than its West counterpart.

While we struggle to justify Eastern All-Stars this year, there will be incessant discussion of LeBron James' apparent intent to also skip town for the West, which would basically be the basketball equivalent of this conversation.

987. Dan Gilbert
Gilbert's Summer started by panic-firing the GM who put the Cavs' championship team together, as he was working a deal for Jimmy Butler no less. Then came the realization that nobody wanted to work for the Comic Sans Bandit when all his target candidates declined.

One of the key factors in their skepticism were rampant rumors - so many that it's hard to just call them rumors - of LeBron's imminent departure. As if that weren't enough, Kyrie Irving then forced his way out of town, capping a total shit-typhoon of a summer for Gilbert's franchise and reputation.

955. Chicago Bulls

Having your former coach commit grand larceny for your franchise player is never a great place to start.

Da Bulls gave up a top 10-15 player, netting a lot of question marks in return: Lauri Markkanen's recent triumphs at Eurobasket are encouraging, but he's still very much a project. Zach LaVine's entire value hinges on a torn ACL. Kris Dunn is somehow an even worse shooter than last season's Rondo/Carter-Williams point squad.

Hours after the Butler debacle, they literally sold Jordan Bell to the Warriors, which is beginning to look like an extremely stupid decision.

Elsewhere, the Bulls overpaid Cristiano Felicio, while the Cameron Payne deal continues to be awful, adding only more cringe to Chicago's offseason.

928. Doc Rivers 
A respected coach who repeatedly sabotaged himself by making dumb moves as GM, Doc's spotty history in the dual-role finally caught up with him this summer.

Chris Paul forced his way out of town amid trepidation of GM Doc's ineptitude, costing Coach Doc his best player. It proved costly for GM Doc too, as he no longer exists.

901. Indiana Pacers 
Much like the Bulls, were completely robbed of an elite swingman. Despite potentially an even worse return, Indiana was severely handicapped by PG wanting to leave them - and likely any team he was traded to - specifically for the Lakers. It can't be frowned upon quite as much as the Bulls' blunder.

874. Nerlens Noel
Pretty awkward summer for Noel, who had 4 years/$70 million on the table, shunned the contract, sat unclaimed for two months, fired his agent, and finally inked the paltry qualifying offer.

While he's free to roam unrestricted in 2018, an injury-heavy past haunts him as he plays for a long-term deal. He's unlikely to find much better next summer, and the potential downside if he gets hurt again is heavy.

858. The Trade Market for Superstars 
Superstars have become a very tricky asset in NBA trade markets. In such a star-driven league, there seems to be no more ground between "this guy's untouchable, we want a king's ransom" and "we're fucked, the league knows he's leaving and they're lowballing us".

The reverse-leverage created by a superstar's flight risk led to absolute robberies of Jimmy Butler and Paul George, while the Clippers only got a pu-pu platter deluxe for Chris Paul. The Cavs might actually win the Kyrie Irving trade, but only because they miraculously targeted the one good team with the right asset mix.

If you're a shitty franchise with a young superstar (looking your way New Orleans), maybe get the jump on the trade market before your situation's obviousness buries you.

834. Utah Jazz
The Jazz were already a grind-it-out defensive team who finished dead last in team scoring last year. Then their two best offensive players left them. Ricky Rubio's a decent pickup who should mesh well with Derrick Favors and Rudy Gobert, but for their biggest needs - scoring and shooting - he's pretty useless.

815. Patrick Patterson

When you're an established NBA veteran who's been a key role player for a winning franchise, and Cristiano Felicio is suddenly signing for twice as much as you, things need to be re-evaluated.

797. New York Knicks
They shed themselves of Phil Jackson, but the same institutional nightmares remain. They proceeded to sign Tim Hardaway Jr to the summer's most-trolled contract, then had to learn the Porzingis drama they thought they killed with Phil could be alive and well.

778. Atlanta Hawks
Whatever siege the city of Atlanta is waging upon pop culture, the Hawks aren't going to be a part of it. With Paul Millsap now in new threads, ATL's entire "Spurs East" roster has been shed, leaving in its wake the likes of Ersan Ilyasova, Miles Plumlee and Luke Babbitt. (Hooray!). They're in full-on rebuild mode with no foundation players or identity.

764. Cleveland Cavaliers
Not quite as insulting an offseason for Cleveland as its owner, but still mildly disastrous. Sure, they got a good return for Kyrie (assuming Isaiah Thomas' hip stays together). They still had to trade a bonafide superstar, worse yet to the only team in the East that threatens them.

Between the trade, its surrounding drama, the opportunity cost of firing David Griffin, the incessant LeBron exodus talk and Boston's power moves, just a bad scene all around for the Cavs.

741. Dallas Mavericks
Because it's the Mavericks, their plans to sign a free-agent center obviously went horribly awry with the lose-lose Nerlens Noel crisis. They also struck out on other key free agent targets, but pulled another season out of Dirk for the legacy bargain of $5 million.

Dennis Smith could be a killer pickup, however the Mavericks are still several steps behind the rest of the West's perennial basement - the Wolves, Suns, Lakers and, yes, somehow even, the Kings - who at least have multiple assets and/or a long-term plan. They're likely to be leapfrogged by several teams in the standings.

711. New Orleans Pelicans
Took without question the summer's biggest gamble giving Jrue Holiday $125 million, and are still painfully thin around Boogie & Brow. Holiday's potential is capped, and his injury risk is severe, leaving only potential downside to a bloody expensive five-year commitment.

The Pelicans also needed spacing around their superstar big men, proceeding to sign Rajon Rondo and Tony Allen; two the weaker shooters by reputation in the NBA. Don't be shocked if this roster flops and the Cousins trade winds start blowing again.

707. Kyle Lowry
Lowry got shafted by the free agency market again, this time due to the ubiquity of the point guard, suddenly a need for fewer teams than ever. Franchises that had cap space and a point void were slim, forcing Lowry to take a shorter deal as his prime fades.

698. Dwight Howard
Shipped out of yet another city after his negligible impact on their franchise (moreover his hometown team). The Hawks knew they overpaid Howard, cutting him loose after just one season to key their rebuild.

He does still stand to make $23.5 million this year, but it's hard to picture a guy who once punched a teammate in the face putting up with much of Howard's immaturity.

679. Los Angeles Clippers

The Clippers definitely can't be happy about their offseason, but given how bad things turned out for other teams that traded superstars, they can't be too upset either.

The Paul haul (plus Danilo Gallinari) leaves them a balanced rotation, with upside to spare from Montrezl Harrell, Sam Dekker and a first-round pick.

Their main concern will be playmaking, particularly for DeAndre Jordan, who will feel CP3's absence the most. They'll have to succeed with Blake Griffin running a lot of point forward; the Clippers currently deploy Pat Beverley, Austin Rivers and second-round pick Jawun Evans at the one.

661. Brooklyn Nets
The Nets got a little cred towards the end of last season when they started busting ass and playing actual edible basketball. But these were baby steps in a cosmic sense. This team is still two years away from being two years away.

While they wrangled D'Angelo Russell from the offseason waters, they hauled in the whale contracts of Timofey Mozgov and Allen Crabbe. Brooklyn also took on the last two years of DeMarre Carroll's gross deal, all together wasting them just around $100 million through 2018-19.

Stay tuned for Part Two: The Half-Steppers, coming soon.

The NBA's Second Season

The NBA offseason has recently become a hype factory of drama and intrigue, subtweets and WojBombs. An entertainment spectacle unlike few in pro sports, it's almost become a whole new season in itself.

But the 2017 offseason has taken things to new heights of upheaval and chaos. Superstars are being given away, quality players are jumping ship left, right and center, and the NBA's power balance has again been consolidated, while salaries skyrocket to yet new heights. You can almost picture Dr Evil announcing the contracts some of these guys are signing for.

So much stuff is happening, it can be hard to gather everything in the proper context. With that in mind, here's a recap of what we've seen so far, attempting to make sense of it all:

RIP Lob City
What It Means: There won't be enough ball to go around in Houston next year. 

So apparently Doc Rivers pissed off Chris Paul, which is totally logical given both that Rivers is a bad GM with a stubborn attachment to his former players/son, and also that just about everyone pisses off Chris Paul.

Of the three superstar trades this summer, the Paul haul has to be considered the best (more on that to come), netting the Clippers an assortment of established vets, decent prospects, and even a first-round pick.

Meanwhile Mike D'Antoni gets to find touches for two of the NBA's most ball-dominant players with Paul joining James Harden. If Carmelo somehow joins the mix, CP3 might be the best thing possible for his game - both in terms of on-court synergy and Banana Boat Points - but the alpha struggle will no doubt present itself.

Blake Griffin Chills
What It Means: There will be no rebuild for the Clippers.


There's a lot of this stressed importance on star players to win, as though competing for a championship should be their only motivation in life.

Some of us (them) are happier just lamping in a star-filled oasis of beautiful weather and people, where the living's easy, your team has a historical commitment to mediocrity, and the pay is very very good.

Losing Paul sucks, but there's a decent rotation around Griffin, who's definitely capable of handling more of a playmaking role. The Clippers will no doubt take a step back, but they could surprise those who expect them to fall from the West's middle tier.

Property on Waiters Island Now Much More Expensive
What It Means: Last year's free agency loser made the most of his contract year re-run.

Brooklyn Makes Otto Porter a Max Man
What It Means: The Nets are about to hardball a second team into completely cap-fucking themselves.

Chauncey Billups Turns Down Cavs' GM Offer
What It Means: Nobody wants to work for Dan Gilbert once LeBron leaves. 

Chicago Gets Robbed at Gunpoint for Jimmy Butler
What It Means: Tom Thibodeau literally put an automatic weapon to Gar Forman's head, gave him terms on a deal for his best player, forced him to accept, and walked away laughing. 

Joe Dumars. Elgin Baylor. Bryan Colangelo x 2. The Bulls' Gar Forman is just the latest in a line of recent Executive of the Year winners who've either been exposed as poor GMs that caught lightning in a bottle, or completely lost their minds years later.

The Butler trade needs to first be prefaced by the Cameron Payne deal, in which the Bulls gave up several valuable assets for an unproven PG who was sent to the D-League within five weeks. This time trading a guy who, by any measure whatsoever is one of the 12-15 best players in the NBA, they received a similarly hopeless return.

Giving up on Payne, they've acquired yet another unproven PG in Kris Dunn, one whose shooting - the Bulls' main need - was horrendous last year. They took on Zach LaVine, a guy with a torn ACL whose ceiling and value are tied very heavily to athletic ability. They also acquired a top-ten pick in a loaded draft, but were foolish enough to give back their own first-rounder in a trade that was already felonious theft.

Who knows what delusion careened through Forman's head when he made this deal. Either way, Danny Ainge was probably on a rough sleep schedule after seeing what Butler went for. Or at least until...

Robyn Hayward's Instagram was Right
What It Means:Gordon REALLY wanted to finish his Player's Tribune article. 

The Jazz - also down George Hill - look like they're headed back to the lottery. And even though he missed out on both Butler and Paul George, Ainge has added an All-Star each of the past two summers without giving up a single asset. Maybe the best-trading GM in the NBA does know what he's doing here...

Minnesota Looks LEGIT
What It Means: The leap they were supposed to make last year is definitely happening this year.  

Backtracking slightly to the Butler trade: If not for the Bulls' mind-numbing stupidity, I'd be happy about it, as a great player no longer has to waste away his prime on a sad-ass team.

Adding Butler to the Towns-Wiggins-Dieng core is massive in itself for Minny, who then bolstered their bench with Taj Gibson at good value, and snared Jeff Teague for startlingly little (almost makes you wonder...). Spacing could be an issue for them, but even if so, they have assets to spare in a trade for a shooter.

The West figures a bloodbath, but with continued development from Towns, the Butler heist taking both offensive and (more importantly) defensive onus off Wiggins, the addition by subtraction of their worst shooter (Ricky Rubio) and defender (LaVine), and now two quality vets to round out their rotation, the Wolves look like mortal locks for a mid-tier playoff spot, and perhaps more.

Nick Young Signs With the Warriors
What It Means: Apparently they didn't have enough swag already.

Amir Johnson & JJ Redick Sign One-Year Deals with Sixers
What It Means: #TheProcess still has to hit the salary floor somehow.

Dwight Howard Loses Again
What It Means: His legacy might be in stone at this point.

The Nuggets Are Still 'Team Purgatory'
What It Means: Denver really doesn't want a lottery pick. 

Ever since the Denver Nuggets traded Carmelo Anthony - almost seven years ago - the franchise has been on a rudderless quest for mediocrity, unable to compete at the highest level, and unwilling to blow it up and build for the future like so many around them had done.

Acquiring Paul Millsap is yet another step in no real direction for the Nuggets; P-Milly doesn't move the needle enough for them to be anything more than a bottom-rung playoff team. Moreover, it restricts their financial flexibility as they build around Nikola Jokic, while lowering their odds at a good draft pick. All this for a player on the back end of his prime who doesn't fit Denver's developmental timeline at all. Makes you wonder what exactly the Nuggets' endgame is.

OKC Plays Cat Burglar
What It Means: They didn't replace Kevin Durant, but they came damn close (for a season).


A few weeks ago, Paul George made the Pacers acutely aware of his intentions to play elsewhere - as if they hadn't been clear for months - thus setting in motion a series of whirlwind events.

Within a 48-hour period, there were "credibly sourced" rumors tying PG to the Celtics, Cavaliers, Rockets, and obviously the Lakers, none of which seemed very far-fetched given narratives and Indiana's utter lack of leverage. But at the 11th hour: 45th minute, in swooped the Thunder - as out-of-nowhere as a Giannis chase-down block. They basically landed George for the assets gained from dealing Serge Ibaka; assets which have only diminished in value.

This is confusing for several reasons: not only was an elite player again dealt for a paltry offer - circumstances notwithstanding - but there's only a drunk puncher's chance that George will re-sign with OKC. This has the making of an expensive rental, likely full of false hope for a fanbase that just lost Kevin Durant and watched him win Finals MVP 11 months later.

If PG does decide to stick around for some completely untapped reason, then Sam Presti will have actually stolen a superstar from someone else, as difficult a concept as that may be to grasp.

Jrue The Damaja
What It Means: Dell Demps is a gambling man.

Whatever "my body is made of glass" discount Steph Curry took on his last contract certainly does not apply in New Orleans where Jrue Holiday - who for argument's sake has averaged 57 games over the past half-decade - just inked for $25mil/year over the next half-decade.

The 12 games Holiday spent with his wife as she battled a frightening brain tumor last year only slightly skews his spotty health record. This has to call into question the New Orleans training staff, given that he averaged 74.5 games through four seasons in Philly, and the Pelicans' entire roster seems to be perpetually injured.

The Point Guard Market Dries Up on Kyle Lowry
What It Means: Making the last three All-Star teams ain't what it used to be.

In contrast to Holiday's lavish deal, Lowry came off a career year and found a chilling lack of love.

Despite logical rumors pointing to Minnesota or San Antonio, Lowry humbly re-upped with the team he reportedly had "zero interest" in, while only getting three years of guaranteed money.

It comes as a disappointment for a player on the back nine of his career, who took a discount last contract due to late-bloomer and conditioning issues, and now despite becoming an elite PG, finds himself doing it again. This time Lowry is purely a victim of the point guard market; an inundation of talent that already diluted the position's market value was only heightened when half of the 2017 Draft's top ten picks were PGs. Simply put, fewer teams need one than ever.

Conversely the deal is pretty much exactly what the Raptors wanted, neither losing Lowry for nothing, nor paying him the max when he's 36 and most likely in decline. His contract is also infinitely more tradeable should Masai Ujiri decide to hit the Rebuild Button on this core group.

Diamond Stone Traded to Hawks
What It Means: 'Diamond Stone' is probably the new most awesome name in the NBA.

Zach Randolph Signs With Kings
What It Means: A big piece of Grint N Grind has died, along with a bit of my soul. 

The Raptors' Frontcourt Splinters
What It Means: That DeMarre Carroll signing really starting to rear its ugly head. 

Kevin Durant Takes One For the Team
What It Means: The rest of the NBA is fucked.

So Steph Curry supermaxed. Considering the Warriors just had him on one of the best-value contracts in NBA history for three years, he was due.

Durant thus bit the bullet, leaving almost $10mil on the table - a 28% pay cut - so the Warriors had the flexibility to retain Andre Iguodala and Shawn Livingston, two key cogs in their title runs. For all the shade he was thrown last summer after what seemed like a cop-out, there's no questioning his willingness to keep this team together and truly carve a place in history for them and himself.

The Phil Is Gone
What It Means: James Dolan has finally done something sane in his capacity as Knicks owner 

Although it was increasingly clear that Phil Jackson's descent into arrogant senility necessitated his firing as Knicks' president, there are few individuals alive who could be trusted to do the right thing less than Jimmy Dolan.

Although the Straight Shot's lead singer saw fit to make a sound basketball decision for likely the first time in two decades, there are rumblings about that his old habits may not have died hard quite yet. "Better Find A Church" indeed.

The Rich Get Richer
What It Means: Competitive parity has both improved and faltered.

There's two ways to look at this depending on your perspective: The first is that the seemingly massive chasm between the NBA's haves and have-nots has grown even wider, with middling teams like Utah, Atlanta, Chicago and Indiana all losing star players to stronger teams (for little-to-nothing) and being sent back to the drawing board. The Rockets also solidified their talent at the expense of their contemporaries, the Clippers. There's no question that elite talent has been consolidated in a huge way for such a short time period, and the rebuilds will be happening everywhere.


The flipside to this is that we might see a greater modicum of competition atop the conferences, especially in the East where the Celtics - armed with Hayward and whatever assets they reap from their logjam of swingmen - could give the Cavs a run for their money if things break right.

Dealing with Golden State in the West is no doubt more of a daunting task, but the Rockets are mounting an effort, the Wolves will quickly ascend, and perhaps even the Thunder can build around two superstars. For all the rhetoric spewed last year about franchises biding their time and waiting out the Warriors or Cavs, things seem to be trending the opposite way.

Whether this amounts to anything in the way of derailing Cavs-Warriors IV remains unclear, but even if the outlook is grim, you can't blame opposing GMs for a lack of effort thus far this offseason. This is probably the most "Shit or Get Off the Pot" season the NBA's ever had; the shakeup is far from over.

2016-17 NBA Preview - Part 1: The East

Ah, October.

The air is crisply cooling, the leaves are going all Bob Ross, pumpkins are being carved, pumpkin pie is being served, and everything else is pumpkin spiced. Most importantly, the struggle through baseball, golf and televised darts felt by NBA fans is on its last whimper.

After a historic offseason, we've been left with what seems like a foregone conclusion: the Warriors and Cavaliers will meet again in the Finals, with the Dubs looking unbeatable if healthy.

But between now and an inevitable ending, a very dynamic and delicate power struggle will play out among the NBA's middle tier. Venture far out of either conference's top-3 and the pecking order is very unclear. With so much player movement this summer, not only are some variables unknown, but the resulting margins slim - playoff spots should be a dogfight in both conferences.

Speaking of conferences, let's jump into a breakdown of each in Part 1 of Banter's 100% Guaranteed, Flawlessly Hypothesized NBA Preview; starting with the East:

LOTTERY LOCKS: 


15. Brooklyn Nets
As laughable as this roster is, it's still similarly talented on paper to a Simmons-less Sixers, and certainly more experienced. That said, they have far less upside and no means whatsoever to better themselves mid-season.

It's going to be a close race for the bottom between the two. If only Brooklyn had any incentive to be bad; forking over their next two first-round picks, both sure bets for the Top-5.

14. Philadelphia 76ers

The Ben Simmons injury hurts a lot. He was a Sixers rookie, so odds are it was happening, but it's a swift kick in the head to Philly's momentum. It also doesn't bode well for #TheProcess that their likely three best players are all centers.

Philly will now have to scrap either way to escape their token role as the NBA's Worst, but a seemingly inevitable trade of either Noel or Jahlil Okafor could put Philly in a better position to weather Simmons' loss and actually make sense as a basketball team.

13. Miami Heat
xThe bigger they come the harder they fall. By LeBron's count, Miami should still be defending an NBA championship; instead they find themselves unexpectedly thrust into a rebuild.

Losing both Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh signals a new era for the Heat, and knocks them down to the East basement where tanking is a very real possibility. They lack consistent scoring outside of Goran Dragic; relying on increased roles from a Josh Richardson/Hassan Whiteside/Dion Waiters/Derrick Williams quartet that cumulatively went for a whopping 35 ppg last year.

Even if Tyler Johnson lives up to his comical new contract, it's hard to see them winning any more than 30 games. Miami might be better off punting with their sights on 2017's plentiful Draft Class.

PLAYOFF CONTENDERS:

12. Charlotte Hornets

Last season the Hornets re-discovered themselves, playing at a top-10 pace with a balanced and varied scoring attack. After losing three key cogs, Charlotte will have to lean much more heavily on Kemba Walker and Nicolas Batum to put the ball in the basket.

While the defensive versatility of the Batum/Marvin Williams/Michael Kidd-Gilchrist trifecta gives the Hornets lots of options and a long presence on the perimeter, MKG's sub-par shooting will only further serve to constrict the offense, and subsidize double-teams of Walker drives.

Charlotte could potentially create headaches on D for certain small-ball lineups, but overall have lost enough scoring punch to suggest a regression back to the lottery.

11. Orlando Magic

So much nonsense going on here. Deal-happy Magic GM Rob Hennigan might be executing a thinly-veiled asset horde, but their awkward glut of big men serves to stymie both trade value and their progress as a basketball team.

So much of this bizarre experiment hinges on Aaron Gordon's transition to "small forward" (if positions still exist). While Gordon gives them a wide athletic framework within which to work, it's nearly impossible to see all of Orlando's bigs fitting into the rotation without marginalizing each other to some extent.

Rumors abound suggest that Nikola Vucevic may be on the trading block, but the market for a center who offers no rim protection and can't quite hit 3s might be dry. A forthcoming deal may help this team find an identity; as of right now it's nebulous at best.

10. Milwaukee Bucks 

Losing Khris Middleton for possibly the entire year hits the Bucks like a Ford Expedition, especially in terms of their spacing-challenged offense. Relics Jason Terry and Steve Novak might be forced into bigger roles out of pure necessity.

Milwaukee seems bent on replicating the Thunder's recently-dismantled Long Ball blueprint, and while all their limbs project as a strong defensive unit, they really couldn't afford to lose their best shooter.

The Bucks' best hopes of salvaging this season come in trading Greg Monroe, who's on a great deal and would fit better on just about any other team. They could fetch a badly-needed perimeter threat and open up the starting center spot for John Henson, one of the NBA's most comically-underused players.

9. Washington Wizards

Maxing out Bradley Beal was a gamble the Wizards had to take after completely fanning on the Kevin Durant Sweepstakes, especially in this summer's apocalyptic Free Agency market. That said, it pins a lot of resources on a player who's missed a quarter of his NBA career so far, while spending another third of it playing through or recovering from injury. At full health, Beal is a borderline All-Star, but our glimpses of it have been fleeting.

John Wall is obviously a franchise building block, but his greatest weakness - his shooting - is only exacerbated without Beal flanking him. In fact most of Washington's roster, like several other lower-rung East teams, seems bereft of en-vogue floor-spacing, unless the petulant Markieff Morris is suddenly becoming an offensive centerpiece.

8. Chicago Bulls 

A peculiar and lateral offseason for "Da Bulls". They traded Derrick Rose, presumably aware that he was ball-stopping Jimmy Butler and clogging their already-shaky spacing with his awful outside shooting.

Now with Robin Lopez as insurance for the imminently-departing Pau Gasol, the Bulls needed to get Butler some help on offense. They thus proceeded to sign not one, but two high-cost players who - maddeningly similar to Rose - will keep the ball out of Butler's hands and do little-to-nothing to space the floor.

It's unclear if this ill-advised hodgepodge of perimeter talent qualifies as a Big 3, but if so the Butler-Wade-Rondo trio is probably the most dysfunctional ever.

PLAYOFF PROBABLES: 


7. New York Knicks
The Knicks made progress this summer. There's no two ways about it; they'll be a better basketball team in 2016-17. But the pidgeon-steps they took towards contention with Melo's window dwindling are far from flattering for Phil Jackson's third offseason. Going almost-all-in on Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah is a serious gamble; the Knicks will be lucky to get a healthy season out of both, never mind their pre-injury selves.

Brandon Jennings will be a welcome addition to their scoring-bound bench, but behind him it's dental floss-thin. Meanwhile Kristaps Porzingis (he of the Latvian rap video) is the team's only significant realizable upside, and his development risks being stymied while Rose and Carmelo Anthony dominate the ball. Their ceiling seems fairly capped even at perfect health - which is far from guaranteed.

6. Atlanta Hawks  

The Hawks aren't in that bad shape for a team that lost two of its three best players over the summer, but maintaining their mid-level playoff spot will depend on several variables:

- that Dennis Schroder will make a leap from stud backup to above-average starter (possible)
- that Kent Bazemore's worth all the money they just gave him (probable)
- and that the Dwight Howard signing won't go up in flames (anyone's guess)

Howard certainly renders Atlanta more combustible than they've been since the Josh Smith era, and poses difficulties for Coach Bud's fluid offense if unwilling to seriously adjust. Paul Millsap is a beast, but there's only so much he can do to keep ATL's system together as the team around him gradually erodes.

5. Detroit Pistons 

Losing Reggie Jackson for the first month-plus of the season blows for a team that many are picking to rise to the top of the East's clusterfucked middle tier. Ish Smith is far from a bad replacement (he'll be great for Andre Drummond on the pick-n-roll), but that stretches an already-thin backcourt bench further.

Their sans-Jackson schedule isn't overly hard, but Tobias Harris is unproven as a primary scorer, and openings for 3's from KCP and Marcus Morris won't be as wide or frequent without Jackson's slashing.

But once Jackson returns, they field a fearsome starting five, well equipped for the space-and-pace offense Stan Van Gundy's so fond of. Not to mention they have Boban.

THE BRIDESMAIDS:

4. Indiana Pacers

The Pacers might've taken a step back defensively with their summer makeover, but the gains on offense - an area which has plagued Indiana for several seasons - are considerable. With a new scoring-friendly coach in the driver's seat, Indiana now has threats from every position to surround Paul George, who seemed like a one-man army at times last year.

Plus it's not like they're suddenly awful on D now. They only have leaks in a couple spots (#MontaEllis), Paul George is still a multi-positional defensive monster, and Myles Turner will become a truly elite rim protector as his IQ and positioning develop.

The net result of the Pacers' shift in philosophy may be a moot point overall. They're much deeper and more talented than last year's iteration, which is why they've returned to the East's upper tier.

3. Toronto Raptors

At first glance it seems like the Raptors had a blah offseason aside from the somewhat-likely Demar DeRozan re-up. Losing breakout Bismack Biyombo while some of their direct competition re-tooled heavily isn't a great start.

But the Jared Sullinger acquisition is large for a rotation that saw Luis Scola log heavy minutes last year. The Raptors now can time-share between two competent, multi-skilled fours without feeding Scola's corpse to opposing athletes.

The Six's summer also saw their All-Star backcourt win Olympic gold medals, an experience whose impact has translated dramatically to the NBA for a number of players. It's not irrational to expect some net positive effect after a summer of playing/training with a handful of the World's truly elite, and - more importantly - getting the best coaching Lowry or DeRozan have ever had. At the absolute least, Toronto's two most important pieces are riding a wave of confidence after inconsistent postseasons.

DeMarre Carroll missed a big chunk of last year and will certainly have a two-way impact, while any development from stashes Bruno Caboclo or Lucas Nogueira would only be icing on the cake. The East's top four will be tougher this year, but the Raps won't be helpless to defend themselves.

2. Boston Celtics

It can't be underscored how huge the Al Horford signing is for a team that hoarded assets in search of a star, then had one dropped in their lap, at their shallowest position no less. Horford would've fit well just about anywhere, but especially so in Boston, who retain their disposable youth and Rolodex of draft picks for the next move.

With lots of available talent, and now two All-Stars to beckon potential trade targets, the odds of Danny Ainge pulling the trigger on a blockbuster aren't bad, raising the Celtics' projected ceiling. But even at present they're probably the East's 2nd-best team, with depth at every position behind a sneaky-good starting lineup.

Losing alpha sixth-man Evan Turner hurts a varied roster like Boston's a lot less, especially given his price tag. Brad Stevens has an absurd knack for maximizing his talent's effectiveness, so he'll find innovative ways to replace Turner's production and continue the Celts' ascent.

HOMECOURT GOES TO:

1. Cleveland Cavaliers This just is happening. Long live JR Smith.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The West, and Part 3: The Hardware, coming soon to a smartphone screen near you...

Banter's 2015-16 NBA Preview: Part I - The East

It's that time again.

After months of baseball, tennis and televised darts, the NBA is returning in a blaze of glory. This season has the potential to be especially epic, and though I'm a die-hard fan who gets excited about anything basketball-related, we're truly blessed to be witnessing the NBA's current evolutionary epoch.

Not only is the talent in professional basketball absurdly stacked right now - a testament to the sport's exponential growth in popularity - but more refined training and conditioning have taken athleticism to new speeds and heights.

The game itself is growing rapidly as well; the advent of analytic stats, and revolutionary technology like SportVu have allowed us to understand basketball in ways never possible before, and for the game's best tacticians to use that knowledge to their advantage.

And all that talent is being put to use; front offices have undergone a rapid upgrade in overall intelligence in this era of the "NBA as a Business", and far fewer teams are lighting money on fire without coherent strategies. The result has been more fast-paced, polished, calculated, competitive team basketball. Unless you live in Philly, there's never been more to be excited about.

So with the preseason underway and Opening Night mere weeks beyond us, let's break down who's going to be doing what in the NBA this year, beginning with the East.

EAST STANDINGS: 

15- Philadelphia 76ers 
It must be awesome having Brett Brown's job. Can you plausibly imagine any scenario other than the current Sixers front office, in which the company mandate is to be shamelessly awful and you're paid millions of dollars to coach without any pressure to perform (other than, you know, not winning too many games) or job security issues? This is going on year three now guys. Your fans deserve better, and the rest of us are just getting bored.

14- Brooklyn Nets
Brooklyn limped into last year's playoffs almost by default, after the rest of the contenders for the East's final spot self-destructed for various reasons down the stretch. With several of those teams making noticeable offseason upgrades, the Nets lost four rotation players and pulled in... Andrea Bargnani? While Jarrett Jack may end up being an upgrade over the flaky Deron Williams, his move to a starting role stretched the Nets' bench thin. Shane Larkin will likely see most of the backup PG minutes, and though he showed flashes last season, he's no Jack. Brook Lopez is always a few steps away from a leg injury, and Joe Johnson's legitimately graying now. It's unclear how Brooklyn will embrace their imminent rebuild with no cap space or draft picks, but no matter your squad it's gonna be a long season in Gotham (to be continued shortly).


13- Orlando Magic
How this team managed to theoretically "win" the Dwight Howard trade and still hasn't cracked the playoffs in the East is completely beyond me. They've stockpiled a nice young core of talent, but still aren't winning, mostly because they can't defend anybody. Lineups with as many defensive leaks as Orlando (especially close to the hoop) need to be historically great offensively to succeed, and the Magic, well... aren't. Team Disneyland is loaded with upside and could make a playoff push but would likely need some help from a rival injury and a big leap from one of its young guards (after Vic Oladipo's growth curve more or less flat-lined last year). Scott Skiles is a large upgrade running the show, but they've been "a couple years away" for a couple years now, and it looks very likely like a couple more.

12- Detroit Pistons
The Pistons are a weirdly interesting bunch heading into this season. They're deeper than last year, and have a reasonable ceiling, but there's quite a few yellow flags around this team - two big ones in particular. The first is obviously that they lost their best player in the offseason. Greg Monroe leaves a large scoring void, and his absence will make it easier for defenses to key on Andre Drummond. The other is the perplexing thought of Reggie Jackson and Brandon Jennings co-existing in a backcourt on any level. Stranger things have happened, but if Stan Van pulls that off without any brawls or social media feuds it'll be impressive. There's potential for things to go either way here, but I feel like south (as in vacation in April) is where Detroit's headed.

11- New York Knicks
The Knicks will be a better team this year. They upgraded several positions in the offseason, and have a healthy Carmelo Anthony (in body, though perhaps not in mind). But when you were as putrid as the Knicks were last year, only dramatic turnarounds will equate to success, and they don't appear to be there yet. New York's fans shouldn't have expected a free agency jackpot; Robin Lopez and Arron Afflalo are nice lures for a franchise in the Knicks' state. Lopez instantly gives the Knicks a nice defensive presence inside after they foolishly dealt Tyson Chandler, and Afflalo can be a second or third-option type that New York's struggled to put around Melo since Amar'e Stoudemire's knees went all Ewing. And if this Porzingis kid gives them anything in year one, it's just icing on the cake.

10- Charlotte Hornets

The big brass coming out of Charlotte this summer was the pilfering of Nic Batum from the Blazers, and his apparent "bigger role" in the Hornets' offense. Coach Steve Clifford has suggested Batum as the "1st or 2nd" option on a team that already has Al Jefferson and Kemba Walker. The gamble is obviously in whether Batum's ready to take on such a role; a proposition I'm fairly confident will be a losing one. Batum's an overly-passive player whose biggest faults are his lack of primacy and inability to make defenders pay for mistakes. It surely won't be as disastrous as their last swingman acquisition; at-worst he's a uniquely versatile role-player (and a huge safety net with Michael Kidd-Gilchrist done for the year). But getting your hopes up about Batum being the answer might not be a healthy idea. I'd rather put stock in better post-Lance Stephenson cohesion and a more consistent Jefferson keeping the Hornets anywhere near the playoffs.

9- Boston Celtics
The Celtics were a walking anachronism last year; a team that by all logic should've tried to make the lottery, but was too well-coached to suck as much as the rest of the East. Then they made a trade for a guy who would become their best player down the stretch, and fumbled towards a tragic game of Red Rover with Kevin Love. The David Lee trade was a nice move, but not really enough to keep up with an Eastern Conference whose playoff picture suddenly isn't so pathetic anymore. Adding Amir Johnson on a short-term deal (and a relative bargain considering what Tristan Thompson has the Cavs up against) might prove redundant. Boston is now armed with a glut of depth at the 4/5 spots, and no clear starters, though lineup creativity has never been an issue for Brad Stevens. The Celtics seem to be stockpiling assets rather than building a team; there's a good chance that Danny Ainge blows some (or all) of this up while hoarding draft picks, so the Celtics might be (wisely) headed to the lotto this year.

8- Indiana Pacers
So they lost Roy Hibbert. Whatever. He was quickly becoming a proverbial "box of chocolates" (word to Sally Field) in which two-thirds of said chocolates were the crappy jam-filled ones. David West's departure is a blow to this team's toughness, leaving a void at power forward that hopefully someone other than the returning Paul George can fill. But getting George back - and Monta Ellis to boot - is a much-needed adrenaline shot to an offense that went full Bernie Lomax for much of last season. This prediction obviously hinges on George being in good health, but all signs point to that being the case. If he's anywhere close to his old self, PG and Ellis will aptly lead what last year was an often rudderless quest to put the ball in the hoop. The question is whether the Pacers can sustain their defensive identity without Hibbert, to which the answer should be yes.

7- Toronto Raptors

I like what the Raptors did this offseason. They were a woeful defensive unit last year and took steps to shore up their D without shaking the team's core. Corey Joseph and Bismack Biyombo will be large pluses for the second unit's resistance, and DeMarre Carroll upgrades their large wing defender (Terrence Ross) from an inconsistency to a strong point that can even match with the every-trendy 'stretch four'. Carroll's issue will be his ability to integrate into an offense that last season was the polar opposite of the Hawks's swing-heavy team harmony. Kyle Lowry and Demat DeRozan are ball-dominant stars; either they or Carroll will have to adjust for him be as effective as he was in ATL. This team is still relatively young, and has upside to spare if the pieces come together. Hopefully they - and coach Dwayne Casey - learned a thing or two about focus and toughness after the pistol-whipping Washington laid on them last spring. Speaking of the Wizard Party...

6- Washington Wizards
The Wizards basically stood pat this offseason, losing Paul Pierce to the Clippers and seemingly betting that Otto Porter is ready for a starter's role. Bradley Beal will happily accept the increased looks he's sure to get as a result. While John Wall continues to propel this team, it will be a leap from Beal - one that was curiously absent in his career arc last season - to take this team a notch higher. I'm willing to treat their post-All-Star meltdown as part growing pain, part anomaly; the Wizards should be more consistent this year. That said, the middle of the East playoff bracket is noticeably better this year, and "more consistent" isn't going to lift you with the tide.

5- Milwaukee Bucks
Welcome to team "What If" of the 2015-16 Eastern Conference. They're young and somewhat tough to gauge but the pieces are all here for a potential 'team leap'. First off they addressed their pitiful scoring by injecting Greg Monroe into the pivot, who immediately becomes their go-to guy. They'll also get Jabari Parker back, who should be (at worst) a good second-unit option once he's operational. Then figure in an increased role for John Henson; perhaps the NBA's most criminally under-utilized player last season, who the Bucks recently sunk $44 million into - presumably not to ride the pine. And then there's that Antetokounmpo kid, who could very easily take another large stride this season (pun completely intended), at which point the All-Star game would be in his sights. Basically, a lot of things would have to go wrong for the Bucks to not be a significantly better team this year; place bets accordingly.

4- Atlanta Hawks
There's no question that losing DeMarre Carroll hurts the Hawks. He was about as close to a perfect role player for Atlanta's system as you could ask for. This is a strong unit though, and they shouldn't be crippled by his departure. Millsap and Horford still form one of the NBA's best frontcourts. Jeff Teague is still a borderline-elite PG. They're still a lethal team from long-range (#Korver). Dennis Schroder is ready to make a larger impact, and upgrading from Pero Antic to Tiago Splitter is massive for their bench. They'll stumble, but not far.

3- Miami Heat

As if there was any doubt that a Pat Riley team would be on the mat for too long, the Heat have bounced back with a loaded lineup that will break the East's upper tier if healthy. Miami will pair Goran Dragic and Chris Bosh for the first time, allowing Dwyane Wade to play at a far more sustainable pace. Hassan Whiteside is a defensive monster providing elite, athletic rim protection even amid the more-than-occasional headache. Luol Deng is still a two-way horse and a guy any team would love to have as a fourth option. And that's just the starting lineup. They thieved Gerald Green and Amar'e Stoudemire with veteran's minimum deals, giving their bench instant scoring and a dose of whatever Amar'e has left. They also managed to parlay their near-playoff miss into Justise Winslow, who many pundits feel will go down as the steal of the 2015 Lottery. Add a dash of Josh McRoberts back to the lineup, and this is suddenly a pretty scary rotation if Whiteside doesn't cause an extinction-level event.

2- Chicago Bulls
In the wake of Tom Thibodeau's unceremonious departure from the Windy City, plenty has been made of the physical demands on his players, and the toll it took on their health records - particularly that of one Derrick Rose. With Thibs out the door, the Bulls should be more rested if nothing else this year, which may (probably) translate to being healthier. See, the Bulls weren't really at full strength at any point last year (or any long stretch of Thibs' tenure for that matter). And at full strength this a really fucking good basketball team. Give them the continuity factor (roster is virtually unchanged) and the freedom from Thibs' iron-fisted rule, and they're likely the best of the East's bridesmaids.

1- Cleveland Cavaliers

It happened in Miami the last time around; it's surprising that it was such a big deal when it happened in Cleveland. There was an awkward feeling-out period for three go-to superstars sharing the court; these things take time. But then it clicked, and the Cavs started crushing the East, something not even Kevin Love's injury could offset. Although the back-alley standoff with Tristan Thompson is still awkwardly marring their season preparations, it's highly likely Thompson will cave and negotiate after letting the mid-level exception expire, burning his "I can bolt next summer" leverage. But even without Thompson this is the East's best team - they lost two All-Stars and almost won the title for fuck's sake, And though several rivals should be stronger, it's doubtful they'll have enough to topple the Cavs.

That's it for Part I, stay tuned for Part II (The West) and Part III (The Hardware), dropping soon...

From Luol to Love - Trade Season

Halfway through 2014's first month, the NBA regular season's inching through a relative lull; that annual stretch after the early-season excitement, just before the All-Star break, where plenty of focus shifts to the trade wire. Teams like the Spurs and Heat are pacing themselves, others are waiting to heal up, and a good portion of the League is still trying to figure out whether they should be winning games. The season's most exciting stretch won't truly begin until after the Trade Deadline and ensuing (or in Andrew Bynum's case preceding) waived-player frenzy.

Look for next month's Deadline to be much more aggressive than last year's anti-climactic dud. Not only are a few intriguing players being openly shopped around, but with several teams in You Should Probably Trade Your Star Mode, the potential for big names to shift the NBA's landscape along with area codes is very viable. Hell, if Luol Deng can be had for cap relief and a bunch of non-lottery picks, it might be open season.

- The Deng trade was an unfortunate means to an end for the Bulls, whose season was destroyed along with Derrick Rose's meniscus, and were owned by someone too cheap to give a two-way All-Star the same kind of money as Carlos Boozer. So instead, with Deng almost surely bolting in the summer, the Bulls cashed him in for a chance to dodge the Repeater Tax and get a head start on the rebuild.

I don't think I'm stretching much here when I say the Bulls could've, and should've, got more out of this deal. Had they waited closer to the deadline, this offer from the Cavs - who are kind of up Shit's Creek right now - would've still been there, and more than likely trounced by a team looking to do more than transplant Deng for a few months, totally unsure if he'll re-sign.

Chicago screwed themselves twice (well, three times if you count the Boozer signing) by souring Luol, and then panic-trading him too quickly for returns that are unlikely to ever equate what Deng brought to the table.

- The late picks/swap rights Chicago got back for Deng call to mind an element of analysis that I've found usually missing from NBA coverage in this era of advanced metrics, especially amid the Tank Brigade, and with all the rage about the CBA, small market teams, Moneyball, Moreyball and everything else:

Draft Picks and Cap Space need to be valued within the context of the GMs that wield them, and very seldom is this discussed viably as a catalyst in trades. Not all tools are equal in different hands, and the weight these things carry in trades seems to be very general.

Take for example, the Oklahoma City Thunder. They got lucky to land Durant, but have also nailed every pick under Sam Presti, from board-toppers like James Harden and Russell Westbrook, to late-first-round steals Reggie Jackson and Serge Ibaka. They've built a top-tier team almost exclusively from the Draft, especially considering they've gotten the worse end of their biggest trades.

Then there's the contrast, say the Immortal David Kahn, or even former Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo, who has enough connections and reputation-bloating that he'll likely be back in a front office at some point. Colangelo scored relative hits with DeMar DeRozan and Jonas Valanciunas, but reached for Andrea Bargnani first overall (when this guy was the likely top pick), drafted Roy Hibbert and immediately traded him, and took Terrence Ross when Andre Drummond had inexplicably slid into his lap. All during an era where Toronto was crying for any kind of interior presence.

Put simply: Some teams are much better than others at drafting, and this has to be kept in mind when evaluating every transaction. A "Presti Pick" is much different from a "Jordan Pick". Lottery Picks aren't infallible, and even a late selection is worth a lot more, say, to the Spurs, than it would be to most franchises. (Basically, if you trade any draft pick to the Spurs, you're a moron).

This goes even more so for Cap Space, which is a far more calculated gamble, as teams have much better concepts of a player's value, and aren't relying on ping-pong balls to make or break them. Again, this measure should be mostly appraised by a front office's ability to pick the right players, and in some cases the team's location and reputation.

The room to maneuver and sign free agents is worth a lot more to crafty grinder with a plan like Daryl Morey or Masai Ujiri, than to someone like Joe Dumars - who's now twice tried to re-build the Pistons through Free Agency without really improving them either time - or whoever might be running the Knicks at the time.

It's all relative, and in an era where motion-sensor cameras are now quantifying every facet of the NBA, I'm surprised this concept hasn't become more standard.

- Back to David Kahn, as he's now haunting the Minnesota Timberwolves from the grave, having not only given them a shorter clock within which to build around Kevin Love, but damaged his star's relationship with the team seemingly beyond repair, even after his firing.

Love lashed out at the under-achieving Wolves last week, the latest in a Thabo Sefolosha's-Arms-long line of public criticisms that stemmed from Kahn's um, management, but appear to still be paving the runway for Love's escape.

(KAAAAAHHHHHHNNNNN!)

The move for Minny now should clearly be to trade The Love Below this season, before a team with many glaring flaws attempts to rebuild around an unhappy player who's leaving them in 18 months. Love wants to contend, the Wolves are far from it, and the longer they hold onto him, the more opposing GMs can take advantage of them, their leverage decreasing as his departure inches closer.

Acting now gives Minny the edge, capitalizing on the many teams that want Love's services, and forcing suitors to up the ante rather than calling them with a "You're Losing Him For Nothing This Summer, Take What You Can Get" kind of offer. This guy is a borderline Top-5 player; trading him now sucks but he's by far the most coveted "available" asset in the NBA right now. Minnesota can set themselves up very well for the future, and this would be a huge hand to misplay...

Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison for Chicago

What's been a pretty weird NBA season so far just took a turn for the unexpected worse today; Derrick Rose tore the meniscus in his other knee, and will miss the rest of the season after surgery. This more or less detonates the Bulls' 2013-14 season (and Bill Simmons' title prediction), after enduring Rose's epic ACL recovery and setting their sights on the NBA Finals.

This is troubling not only for the obvious implications to the city of Chicago, but to the legions of Heat Haters and those who were praying for some depth of competition in the East after Brooklyn had the most horrendous opening month possible for a team paying its starting five a combined $82 million (seriously).

It's also troubling because Derrick Rose will now have played 49 games in three seasons (well, technically 50...) heading into what's supposed to be the prime of a Hall-of-Fame career. His story was too good; the hometown high-school hero who was going to lead a talented team to a title. He was what we all wanted LeBron to be. And at full strength he was an incredible talent.

Now his career's in a serious flux; rather than continuing to knock rust off through his return, he'll be gathering more, as his team continues to adjust and evolve around his absence. Unless his mentality toward rehab has changed, he'll be taking his time coming back, and while the long-term prognosis is good, Rose's place among the A's elite - now on two shaky knees and approaching Greg Oden recovery status - has become a much shakier issue than it already was.

The best of wishes are with Rose, and I'm sure he'll beast through his rehab with gritty determination, but by the end of it he'll have spent plenty of time away from the court, and the explosive nature of Rose's game thrives on youthful athleticism and strong legs - two things that are escaping him.

Speaking of elite guards whose status has been recently put in the air, Kobe Bryant inked a two-year $48 million extension with the Lakers, taking an 18% pay cut that will still make him the highest-paid player in the NBA. The benefits of seniority.

While inevitable, Bryant signing an extension of this size severely handicaps the Lakers' dream cap space situation entering an offseason as juicy as next summer's Draft. With over half their space now tapped on two aging players (as good as Kobe is, it's just a fact) the Lakers have played themselves into the epitome of employee loyalty. Whether Bryant has enough pull to fill out this roster with similar pay cuts remains to be seen.

Even if the Lakers can pair Kobe with a max player, they'll have $10-12 million left in cap space to fill out 8-9 roster spots, and are going to be razor-thin next year unless Mitch Kupchak has another "franchise player from nothing"-type Pau Gasol deal up his sleeve (side note: has any recent trade been such a win-win for both teams? Memphis signs Zach Randolph, becomes Playoff threat, Marc Gasol evolves from a throw-in into possibly the NBA's best center; Lakers win back-to-back titles)

These aren't really odds Lakers fans want to bank on, particularly with Nash denying the rumored retirement that would conveniently free up space for a third max contract. With Bryant having more or less stopped playing defense most nights, and Nash never having really been able to, they'll be left with two of the oldest players in the A (Stevie Wonder being the oldest) coming back from injuries to form an offense-polar backcourt at a "Buy It Now!" of over $34 million.

Clearly the Lakers could never trade Bryant or let him walk without both causing complete anarchy among their own fanbase and fueling the evil aura every other fan already has about the organization. But from a rational perspective, so, so, so rarely does a team in rebuilding mode go into a deluxe Free Agency
 buffet with a clean payroll and an area code no pro athlete wouldn't at least consider. And now that opportunity - to sign Bryant for something less imposing after beginning to form a contender around him - is gone.

But hey, these are the Lakers, and if one team knows a thing or two about stumbling ass-backwards into All-Stars, it's them. It might have to happen again for Kobe to go out on top, and for his final ride in L.A. - after two decades of legendary basketball - to not end up costing his team a perfectly clean slate.

Showing Out, Flaming Out, Coming Out - This Week in the NBA

It's been a wild week in professional basketball, certainly one occupied by what, according to Charles Barkley, was supposed to be the "worst First Round ever". Well, so much for that. While Chuck tries to dislodge his foot from his throat, let's get into it:

- The NBA was thrust into the spotlight of professional sports' greatest taboo, when longtime veteran Jason Collins announced he was gay in an interview with Sports Illustrated, becoming the first active pro athlete to publicly come out. A move that no doubt took an immense amount of courage will be greeted mostly with open arms - especially coming from a respected veteran - and will hopefully help build towards ending the type of discrimination that made this issue a big story in the first place. Maybe Chris Broussard will get the memo someday.

Collins made this historic announcement with humble confidence, and deserves to be commended for his bravery, regardless of the fact that his career is in decline. While he may not face the life of an openly gay professional athlete for long (as of today, his status as a landmark figure in the gay community currently heavily outweighs his status as a basketball player), if the step he's taken here makes it any easier for athletes who follow, or people in general, to be open about their sexuality and accepted among their peers - and it will be significant to an innumerably great measure - then Collins will make a legendary impact.

- While Collins' announcement came as a jolt of publicity to the NBA, what first looked like a predictably mundane first round has seen much of the Playoff bracket thrown in a blender during an exciting run of headline-filled basketball:

Most notably has been an ill-timed first career Russell Westbrook injury (thanks, Patrick Beverley!) and its ensuing impact on the seemingly-inevitable Finals rematch of OKC and Miami. While Kevin Durant could probably win a shoot-out with the Rockets by himself blindfolded, it remains to be seen if the Thunder can crack more evolved defenses without Westbrook's constant pressuring attack. Much has been said of his ball dominance being a leash holding KD back, and these coming weeks will be the ultimate testament to just how much of a catalyst his presence is for Durant, but regardless of any "addition by subtraction" that can be made, the Thunder just lost a player who's unquestionably among the 10 best in the NBA, and that hurts.

- Westbrook joined fellow All-Star David Lee (and Kobe, and D-Rose, blah blah blah) on the sidelines in suits, although someone forgot to tell the rest of the Golden State Warriors, who are riding a transcendent performance from Steph Curry to a 3-1 lead over a Nuggets team that's being rained on from all angles, looking as helpless as Billy Madison's primary classmates in dodgeball. Curry's deconstructing Denver like he was still playing a Davidson opponent, and doing it all on a freshly-tweaked ankle that this performance confirms is not made of papier-maché.

The Warriors have delivered an all-around inspiring performance that can't help but evoke memories of the "We Believe" odds-foe that ran over the Mavs in '07. Carl Landry has filled in for David Lee remarkably (although it isn't that remarkable given that Landry's possibly the most consistently underrated player in the NBA), Jarrett Jack has been spectacular, even Andrew Bogut is showing signs of emerging from rigor mortis. Mark Jackson's flexing his muscle as an NBA coach - especially in terms of motivating his team and having them at their best - and has George Karl's team in a void much larger than Danilo Gallinari's absence should account for.

- Also on an injury-defying course for an upset are the Chicago Bulls, after that marathon slugfest led by Nate Robinson channeling his inner Kobe Bryant and dragging his team to extra time. It evolved into a triple-overtime blockbuster that enveloped the entire first half of the following Grizzlies/Clippers game, and was finished off by the Bulls' consistent team execution after Nasty Nate fouled out. Their 3-1 lead is a testament to this team's toughness and togetherness (I refuse to use the words "Grit" or "Grind"), and Joakim Noah should stand out for his stoic response to plantar fasciitis, not only playing through terrible pain, but effectively enough to give his team an edge in a series few even thought they could win with him. He's coming up - to use an obvious pun - Big.

- After the Grizzlies lost any concept of #GNG in their dubious opening road losses to the Clippers, they re-discovered that sense of urgency that they've thrived upon but haven't felt in a while after a regular season where uncertainty and expectation awkwardly shook hands. Returning to the GrindHouse, Memphis slowed its pace down and dominated the Clippers in the half-court, handcuffing Chris Paul (as relative a term as that is), bullying Blake Griffin, and evening the series with enough momentum that they might be favored, even with only one game left at home. As corny as all the "Wild Wild West" jokes have been over the years, this conference never ceases to be exciting.

- If only the same could be said of the East, where the Heat are a successful LeBron James assassination attempt away from returning to the Finals. Don't get any crazy ideas, Knick fans. And sorry, it's not happening otherwise.

- The Hindenburg of a season the Lakers just endured finally came to a crashing halt yesterday, fittingly punctuated by a childish outburst from Dwight Howard, and a blowout loss. After nearly decapitating Cory Joseph with an elbow in the first half, Howard picked up a 2nd technical soon after halftime for whining at the refs, earning him an early dismissal from what very well could be his final game in a Lakers uniform. Between Dwight's "amicable" conversation with Mitch Kupchak on his way off the floor, his departure being closely followed by Kobe Bryant's sideline presence, the open Twitter-bashing from Magic Johnson, the talk of open anti-Dwight locker room rifts, and his persistent demonstration that his maturity has yet to evolve beyond that of a 5-year-old, it's hard to see why the Lakers would want to the renew "The D12 Experience" beyond its first season.

- And finally, this Banter update would not be complete without a fond farewell to David Kahn; the Minnesota Timberwolves GM who, for years, managed to provide unparalleled excitement from the front office, making the most hilariously mind-numbing decisions while somehow keeping his job, until reality caught up with him and he was fired this week.

Always a favorite of this blog, Kahn will be remembered as a groundbreaking draft strategist, who helped troubled talents harvest the most in their abilities, always spent Free Agent dollars wisely, knew exactly which players to commit to, how to treat his stars, and never once made a stupid comparison in a Summer League interview between a borderline Hall of Famer and a deplorable Draft-bust who he had just signed. He was a visionary before his time; a victim of circumstance who tried to make the most of having the odds against him. That the Wolves are letting him go is not their loss, but all of ours.

Best of luck, David. And in the odd event some team doesn't hire you as their GM again, one last time:

KAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!

Enjoy the rest of the first round.

The Show Goes On

12:15 pm; Sat, Apr 30; Banter Headquarters (my living room couch):

Roommate: What games are on tonight?

Me: (dejected)...none.

Roommate: Dammit. I was kinda planning my day around that.

Me: (increasingly dejected)...Guess we're hittin' the Palace early.

We're all gonna have to find another vice this evening. Deprived of playoff ball for the first time in two weeks, it's looking like a more standard Saturday night. A not-so-fast but definitely furious first round came to an equal parts unexpected and awesome conclusion last night, when the Memphis Grizzlies finally took down their first playoff series, likely driving the final stake into the Timmy D Spurs' coffin. While San Antonio and Orlando have a few extra weeks to stare at the drawing board they're now facing, the teams that upset them look to keep their slim title hopes alive as the curtain draws on the Second Round:

(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (5) Atlanta Hawks

Count me among the many who are absolutely astonished that the Hawks are still alive. I was just wrong. Wrong about The Collins Effect. Wrong about Atlanta's bench. Wrong about the Magic being the more motivated team. That being said, there's a large gap between a sketchy 4-seed that's played up and down all year, and the 1-seed who just faced a feisty open-round foe and made most of the important playoff-type adjustments in their first test. The Hawks don't match up terribly with the Bulls, but having no answer for Rose - either on D or as an opposing gun (don't give me any of that Joe Johnson bulls***) - will hurt mightily. Chicago's a much more sound defensive unit than Orlando, and if the Hawks are unable to score more than they did in Round 1, an offensive powder keg like the MVP could be enough to blow this one open.

Bulls in 5

(2) Miami Heat vs. (3) Boston Celtics

This series is going to be, by far, the best of the 2nd round. For so many reasons. Not only does it figure to be the most competitive from a basketball standpoint, but it also pits Lebron against the team that ended his Cleveland era in the most depressing way possible, and wages the battle of Good vs. Evil in NBA. Everyone knows the Heat; an arrogant trio of young superstars copping out to the fast-track to the Finals. Meanwhile, Boston's stars came together to fight for an elusive title after 10+ years of loyal soldiering. They Did the Right Thing; sacrificing their own games for the team's sake, having each others' back, making those around them better, playing every playoff game like a Game 7. They're the anti-Heat, and as such, 90% of the World will be cheering for them.

Either way, this series looks to go seven. It'll be the most top-heavy team in NBA history, vs. depth and balance, swagger vs. playoff savvy, ambition vs. pride. The Celtics know their time is now; that their Big 3 are all at 100% is a slight miracle, and with Rondo clicking, they look much better than they did in March. Their obvious concern is a certain #6; the one who's no doubt revenge-hungry and a threat to keep their best scorer on his toes every possession. Pierce covered Lebron very well in '08, but since then he's just gotten older and Bron's gotten better; it will be different this time around, especially with Wade looming. Both are capable of winning games on their own, but will need to thrive in the halfcourt together to win; something they've struggled with all year. The key to this series figures to be Chris Bosh; KG is his Jason Voorhees of potential playoff matchups, and a lack of consistent production from him could tip the scales Boston's way. JO's done an admirable job of defending the rim from a wheelchair, and if he can reasonably imitate Perkins' role, the Heat's inability to crack the Celts' D, combined with a lethal dose of kiddie-pool shallowness, should finally vindicate us from the Heat Wave.

Celtics in 7

(8) Memphis Grizzlies (!!!) vs. (4) Oklahoma City Thunder

'Nuff respect to Memhphis. Their 2nd-best player went down and they still pulled off a historic upset against the Spurs of all teams. That's f***ing awesome. I'd love to be blissfully ignorant and realistically act like they're going to beat OKC, but I feel like they'll have to settle for winning my fandom, because the Thunder are going to work them. There were 3 keys to Memphis' upset: Gasol and Randolph wore the thin front line out; Conley broke Parker down off the dribble a lot; Memhpis' frantic, energetic defense rattled the Spurs' collected attack. All 3 of those factors play right into OKC's strengths, as Westbrook is a nightmare to beat, Ibaka/Perkins are probably the best/toughest defensive post combo in the NBA, and OKC's a young team that will beat your press and punish you in transition. This is where Gay's absence will bite them; despite being an excellent defender, Shane Battier's not long or athletic enough to stop the Durantula; look for the venom to act quickly.

Thunder in 5

(2) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (3) Dallas Mavericks

Dammit, almost thought we had it: matching Spurs and Mavs meltdowns in the first round (too much, I guess). But Dallas showed some playoff grit one time and recovered from a laughable 4th-quarter collapse to close off Portland in 6. They addressed some early flaws, not much unlike the Lakers, who appear to have re-gained some of that championship poise that's eluded them most of this season. They'll have to be hungrier than against the Hornets, as Dallas matches them much better than in previous years: they have two defensive bigs to throw at their feared front line, and a versatile swingman to contend with Odom/Artest. Meanwhile, Dirk gets to face the only 4 in the West who might be softer than him, and Jason Kidd draws his easiest defensive matchup of the postseason. Still, the Lakers, even at 90%, figure to be a tough draw. Gasol's found a perfect target to regain his offensive edge, the Lakers' bench in far more stable than Dallas', and then there's Kobe Bryant (oh yeah, him) who's DeShawn Stevenson's best series away from single-handedly ending the Mavs. (Seriously, how many times will Bryant casually isolate JJ Barea anywhere inside 25 feet before Rick Carlisle completely yanks him? I'm guessing 2nd quarter, Game 1)

Lakers in 6

It Begins...

So the regular season's over. Blake Griffin's going to be on TV less, but just about everything else about this transition in the 2011 Playoffs is going to make for more entertaining, and simply better basketball. While MJ and Prokhorov duke it out for lottery status, the real fight for the NBA crown looks as volatile as ever; a new favorite seems to emerge every couple weeks as teams slide in and out of Beast Mode (Lakers, Heat, Mavs), get shot in the foot (Spurs), or shoot themselves in ass (Celtics). The opening round should be a revealing couple of weeks (ya, it's gonna be a while), much will be unveiled about how these wayward contenders respond to the playoff pressure. I tried getting a hold of Tracy McGrady to find out exactly who was going to win, but he's been screening my calls, so here goes nothing: Banter's First Round predictions...

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Chicago Bulls (1) vs. Indiana Pacers (8)

Playing the role of "Eastern Lottery Team that Stumbled Into the Playoffs Despite Itself", the Pacers will be in over their heads against a Bulls team that outmatches them across the board and defends their key positions extremely well. Nobody on Indiana can even fantasize about containing Derrick Rose, and if he can exploit the Pacers' average-at-best perimeter D with the ease he's been getting accustomed to, this series will be quick and painful. Maybe the dogs get lucky and steal one, but Indiana doesn't have the firepower to overcome Thibodeau's vaunted defense.

Bulls in 4

Miami Heat (2) vs. Philadelphia 76ers (7)

Well, this is it; it's time for the Heat to really show us which of the two teams they oscillated between this season will show up for the postseason. Their first opponent is a cagey defensive team that doesn't mind running (sound familiar?) but will be severely handicapped by their lack of an offensive answer for Chris Bosh (without even mentioning LeWyane), but their underrated bench could cause some problems against Miami's Ke$ha-esque shallowness; maybe even enough for a W.

Heat in 5

Boston Celtics (3) vs. New York (6)

The Knicks are back in the playoffs, and as a homecoming gift, drew the top Eastern seed that's been actively self-destructing since Danny Ainge's awkward Deadline faux-pas. Boston's been doing their best Hank Moody impersonation since Mid-February, but they still match up favorably against New York. What remains to be seen is how well they can defend the rim without Perkins lurking in the trenches. The Celts' mid-range defense is still outstanding, but if Melo and Stoudemire can get to the hole, Krstic and half of Shaq will have their hands full. The Knicks could steal a couple, especially at the Garden against a team that's still finding itself, but Boston's too well-rounded for a first-round collapse.

Celtics in 6

Orlando Magic (4) vs. Atlanta Hawks (5)

We saw how this played out last year. Granted, the Magic are a totally different team, but Atlanta hasn't done anything all season to suggest they're any better all season. Joe Johnson's been underwhelming. Josh Smith might've hit his ceiling. Al Horford's been quietly spectacular, but will have to play the best ball of his life and take out one of Dwight Howard's legs to get the better of him. If there were an award for Listlessly Talented Team That Has No Chance of Overperforming in the Playoffs, they'd win it. Which is why they're going to lose.

Magic in 5

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Antonio Spurs (1) vs. Memphis Grizzlies (8)

Despite being a 1/8, this could be one of the more interesting opening-round series. San Antonio's walking wounded (Ginobili=out for Game1, Duncan+Parker<100%) and Memphis boasts a not-all-that-shallow-anymore bench and can grind in the molasses-pace halfcourt the Spurs play. Ginobili's convalescence is the key; Memphis has found ways to score without Rudy Gay and can steal Game 1 without him, but it's hard to see the Spurs losing; they're too deep, smart and experienced to fall this early.

Spurs in 6

Los Angeles Lakers (2) vs. New Orleans Hornets (7)

After Bynum's false alarm, the Lakeshow appears to be back on schedule to murk the West-less Hornets like one of those blue zap-lamps, and send the NBA media into a "When Will David Stern trade Chris Paul to the Knicks?" speculation frenzy. Despite Carl Landry's best efforts, this team is too thin beneath Chris Paul to fuck with the two-time defending champs. LA, much like Miami, has had trouble deciding whether they want to be brilliant or awful this season; look for this to be a statement series that they're not to be taken lightly.

Lakers in 4

Dallas Mavericks (3) vs. Portland Trailblazers (6)

(Upset Alert!) Because I've gotta go with one, Portland's probably the most underrated team in the Playoffs, and the Mavs are an easy target for a first-round collapse. Dallas has been wildly inconsistent this season, prime to be caught off guard by a team that's suddenly healthy and both deep and talented enough to cause them a lot of problems. Dirk cannot defend Lamarcus Aldridge, who's comfortable enough on the elbow to make Tyson Chandler's help irrelevant. Brandon Roy could probably put up 20 on the Beaubois/Barea/Terry/Kidd backcourt in a wheelchair. Camby/Wallace is probably a better defensive-specialist/wild card combo than Chandler/Marion. Maybe the Mavs bring their game faces, but a team with a long history of playoff meltdowns, who hasn't brought in any established postseason performers, shouldn't be counted on for it. Portland can do this: Make Greg Oden proud.

Blazers in 6

Oklahoma City Thunder (4) vs. Denver Nuggets (5)

A lot of people are talking up the Nuggets and their post-Melo success like they're some sort of Dark Horse contender out West. I think those people are on acid. Denver's young and talented; they have an intriguing roster with depth to spare, but they lack many essential playoff ingredients: Nobody on their team (with the exception of Kenyon Martin, and possibly Nene) has played meaningful playoff basketball. None of their players are consistent go-to scoring options. Speaking of which, they have nobody to stop Russell Westbrook or Kevin Durant (if you have HD, you'll probably be able to see Durant's eyes twinkle when he catches Gallinari alone on the perimeter), and the Ibaka/Perkins monster makes OKC a much more formidable defensive foe, one that Denver will have a much tougher time beating at their own high-octane game. The Nuggets played the Melo deal perfectly; they coyly baited a desperate team with valuable assets, like a trampy gold-digger marrying some terminally ill 80-year-old gajillionaire. They came out of it looking as good as possible heading forward, but this isn't a team built to win in the playoffs, especially not against OKC: your REAL Western Conference Dark Horse.

Thunder in 5

The 2011 NBA Awards (or at least how they should be)

I wish I could plan an awards show for the NBA. It would kick so much ass.

I'd start by scrapping the voting process, assigning 25% of the vote value to the players, another 25% to the coaches (applying the "other team" rule), and the remaining 50% to media members, pending the results of clinical bias and GED exams (we need to weed out whoever gave Mike Bibby, Sam Cassell and PJ Brown MVP votes). Those who passed would be required to sit at the front of the crowd during a televised ceremony, and hold up their vote as the award is announced, Slam Dunk Contest-style. Everyone's accountable.

Next, rent out some sick Las Vegas venue, the MGM or something, because this is a celebration, and if you're gonna do it big, that's where you go; a bigger party makes for a more entertaining show. The invitation list would be far from exclusive; obviously all the players and staff, owners and friends, relevant celebrities, former players and superfans (I see you Nav Bhatia! ), but let anybody with the dollar who enjoys the game come be a part of it. Make this the biggest fucking party in the World; get Patron and Grey Goose to sponsor, have bars (with waterfalls) everywhere, hire a few roadies under the table to hand out illicit substances in the bathroom, dancing ladies, fireworks, the whole nine. David Stern would fire me immediately.

Obviously, EJ, Kenny and Chuck would host, with Craig Sager roaming the crowd to harass the attendees, contractually obligated to change suits every commercial break.

The show gets set off with a performance from Deadmau5, with Lupe and Kid Cudi on the mic to set a hype mood. TNT's Big 3 are introduced for a brief comedy intro (you know, where the hosts make fun of people in crowd and they pretend to find it funny 'cause they're on TV while throwing a mental hissy-fit) before getting down to business....

The evening's first two awards are given out Miss USA-style to acknowledge the All-Rookie and All-Defense teams, with the players being called onstage for recognition before the nominees get read:

All Rookie - Second Team: G-Greivis Vasquez, Grizzlies; G-Jordan Crawford, Wizards; F- Patrick Patterson, Rockets; F-Paul George, Pacers, C-Greg Monroe, Pistons

First Team: G-John Wall, Wizards; G-Landry Fields, Knicks; F-Blake Griffin, Clippers; F-Ed Davis, Raptors; C-DeMarcus Cousins, Kings

Evelope please, onto the first award...

Rookie of the Year, presented by Tim Duncan and Darko Milicic

Nominees: John Wall, Washington Wizards; DeMarcus Cousins, Sacrameto Kings; Landry Fields, New York Knicks; Greg Monroe, Detroit Pistons

Winner: Blake Griffin, LA Clippers

The crowd gives him a hearty, yet subdued ovation; one that's slightly muffled by this award having been decided in December, unlike those that so many of his electric dunks evoked. He calmly struts to the stage and accepts the award with Ray Allen-like class, thanks his teammates, family, fans, God of course (he makes no mention of his coach or owner...), formally apologizes to Gallinari and Mozgov, and tells us he's "just getting started" before popping out the mouthguard and sliding off stage.

As a tribute, Griffin's highlight reel from this season runs, beginning with a few nice finesse plays, building up with some nice transition dunks, and gradually ascending towards his truly humiliating facials (showing live reactions from his victims out in the crowd on a picture-in-picture). The hour of footage might be the most entertaining of the broadcast; it's shame it had to come so early. Oh well, on with the show...

Before DPOY, the All-Defense teams get their due:

Second Team: G- Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Andre Iguodala, Sixers; F-Luol Deng, Bulls; F-Tim Duncan, Spurs; C-Tyson Chandler, Mavs

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; F-Josh Smith, Hawks; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

Defensive Player of the Year, presented by Bill Russell

Nominees: Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics; Tyson Chandler, Dallas Mavericks; Josh Smith, Atlanta Hawks; Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Winner: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

Another landslide winner, Howard's all smiles as he hits the stage, especially giddy to be handed the trophy by the greatest defender who ever lived. He leans in to shake Russell's hand, but is met with an icy grip, and the smile quickly fades from his face as Russ shoots him a scornful glare. They awkwardly man-hug for appearances' sake, when Russ, out-of-touch with technology and unaware that his mic hears every word, whispers "Stop being so f***ing friendly to the other team. They're your enemies. And you know they get the ball back every time you needlessly swat it into the stands right?" Howard seems stunned as they part ways, Russell glaring in disdain over his shoulder as he exits stage right. Dwight, appearing shameful and sheepish for the first time in his life, says nothing and shyly saunters offstage. It's sad, but somewhat appropriate, as Howard quite literally had nobody to thank; he was the Orlando Magic's defense this season.

The mood gets lightened by some uplifting music courtesy Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg, dropping several blunts per song while they move the crowd. The atmosphere immediately improves, which is a nice interlude to the next award;

Most Improved Player, presented by the homeless dude the Cavs hired for their play-by-play

Nominees: Dorrell Wright, Golden State Warriors; LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trailblazers; Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls; Demar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors

Winner: Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

In a category that had so many worthy contenders, it took something historic to set a guy on the lowly Timberwolves apart. The place goes bananas as K-Love, wearing jeans and a "Numb#rs" t-shirt, also accepts the "Best Unathletic White Guy" and "Unlikely Fantasy Monster" awards. Several posses of nominated players begin fights in the crowd, including Master P and Lil Romeo brawling with Michael Beasley and David Kahn (who actually holds his own, landing a few solid hooks). The beef's understandable; this was a heated category, by far the toughest decision this year, but regardless of how shitty his team was, Love's leap from bench utility guy to franchise player couldn't be ignored.

The next segment honors Javale McGee, the Washington Wizards center who made it to the Dunk Contest with his fearless, irrational, and hilarious forays to the hoop, and almost won the damn thing. The big screen displays his Greatest Hits (most of which are Misses), while R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" plays gently. Everybody gets a great laugh, and Craig is of course there to embellish upon every minute of Javale's misery. (I'd be crooked not to admit that this video was entirely my buddy Potter's idea, but it had to be a part of any legitimate tribute to the NBA season)

The next musical interlude comes courtesy of Rihanna, followed by Drake; the two join forces in between for a brief medley of "Whats My Name", during which Drizzy finally breaks down tells her everyone on the planet knows her name and to please shut up.

Sixth Man of the Year, presented by Gary Sinise and Paul Giamatti

Nominees: Jason Terry, Dallas Mavericks; Jamal Crawford, Atlanta Hawks; Marcin Gortat, Orlando Magic/Phoenix Suns; George Hill, San Antonio Spurs

Winner: Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Lakers

In a year many contenders spent lots of time starting for injured teammates, Odom made the most of Andrew Bynum's annual breakdown and was a model of consistency and hard work on a Lakers' supporting cast that fluctuated all season. He's (naturally) accompanied to the stage by Ms. Kardashian (who manages to snag half the camera time), and tries to get a few thank-yous out, but has a hard time keeping a straight face amid a downpour of perfume-commercial-related verbal barbs from some buddies out in the crowd.

The mood then turns somber for a tribute to those we've lost since last season: John Wooden, Manute Bol, Lorenzen Wright, Mel Turpin, Shaquille O'Neal... a moving couple of minutes.

Coach of the Year, presented by Gene Hackman and Samuel L. Jackson

Nominees: Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs; Doug Collins, Philadelphia 76ers; George Karl, Denver Nuggets; Nate McMillan, Portland Trailblazers

Winner: Tom Thibodeau, Chicago Bulls

Thibodeau is curiously absent from the ceremony (rumored to be studying Lakers game tape), so Bulls GM John Paxson accepts the award on his behalf: "Landing Tom was a miracle for us; needless to say he worked out a little better than our last coach. He took a talented bunch of players and brought out the best in all of them, adjusted through injuries to key guys, and kept them focused on a goal that exceeded all our expectations. In his first year on the job." Couldn't have said it better.

Prior to the MVP, the All-NBA teams get some respect, being introduced in an All-Star starter-type spectacle with Kanye and Jeezy dropping "Amazing":

Third Team: G-Russell Westbrook, Thunder; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Pau Gasol, Lakers; F-LaMarcus Aldridge, Blazers; C-Al Horford, Hawks

Second Team: G-Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Kobe Bryant, Lakers; F-Kevin Durant, Thunder; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; C-Amare Stoudemire, Knicks

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Derrick Rose, Bulls; F-Lebron James, Heat; F- Dirk Nowitzki, Mavs; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

The stage then clears for the moment everyone's been waiting for...

MVP, presented by Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen

Nominees: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic; LeWyane Jade, Miami Heat; Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Winner: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

As Rose, the youngest MVP ever; clearly humbled by this honor, gets up to accept, a highly inebriated Stan Van Gundy rushes the stage and attempts to steal the trophy, screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs while security removes him. After the brief interruption, Rose says all the right things and leaves to the clicheed "MVP!" chant from the crowd; only this time its legitimacy resonates much deeper. "Why not me?" he asked back in November; seemed crazy at the time, but he backed up every bit of it; his entire team rode his swagger and poise all the way to the East's #1 seed, while he created most of their offense and played out of his mind when they needed him the most; whether during injuries to key guys or against their toughest opponents. The "rose is all in" adidas ads that have been running all night are no joke, he gave the Bulls an incredible season.

The evening concludes with David Stern making a surprise appearance onstage, thanking the fans for their ongoing support, and announcing that there won't be a lockout next season. Or at least that's how it should be.