After Kevin Durant kind of changed the game last year, this summer became an utter clusterfuck of star - and superstar - movement.
As the salary cap bonanza continued, teams threw astronomical amounts of money around, even with the cap coming up shorter than projected.
Rumors, beefs and demands completely flooded the internet. The soap opera and hype machine factors were higher than ever before.
A deep draft loaded with (what else) point guards gave the league a huge supplement at what was already its most talented position.
And while the Warriors still stand alone as the NBA's best, the power dynamic beneath them has shifted noticeably amid the dustup over the past few months.
So who came out on top of all this madness? Focusing purely on this summer's impact, Banter's attempting to rank how the NBA's various entities fared over the offseason, starting at the bottom with the Basement-Dwellers:
Last Place: The Eastern Conference
It was already long the crappier of the two conferences, but this summer for the East was like Season 3 for the Barksdale crew.
Two of the East's four best players were traded to the West for virtually nothing. A third All-Star left for absolutely nothing. As such, the Hawks, Pacers and Bulls are about to nosedive down the standings, leaving a huge void at the bottom of the playoff bracket.
Concurrently, there was little-to-no progress from East doormats like Orlando, Brooklyn and New York. With the possible exception of the Celtics, every East team top-to-bottom is now crappier than its West counterpart.
While we struggle to justify Eastern All-Stars this year, there will be incessant discussion of LeBron James' apparent intent to also skip town for the West, which would basically be the basketball equivalent of this conversation.
987. Dan Gilbert
Gilbert's Summer started by panic-firing the GM who put the Cavs' championship team together, as he was working a deal for Jimmy Butler no less. Then came the realization that nobody wanted to work for the Comic Sans Bandit when all his target candidates declined.
One of the key factors in their skepticism were rampant rumors - so many that it's hard to just call them rumors - of LeBron's imminent departure. As if that weren't enough, Kyrie Irving then forced his way out of town, capping a total shit-typhoon of a summer for Gilbert's franchise and reputation.
955. Chicago Bulls
Having your former coach commit grand larceny for your franchise player is never a great place to start.
Da Bulls gave up a top 10-15 player, netting a lot of question marks in return: Lauri Markkanen's recent triumphs at Eurobasket are encouraging, but he's still very much a project. Zach LaVine's entire value hinges on a torn ACL. Kris Dunn is somehow an even worse shooter than last season's Rondo/Carter-Williams point squad.
Hours after the Butler debacle, they literally sold Jordan Bell to the Warriors, which is beginning to look like an extremely stupid decision.
Elsewhere, the Bulls overpaid Cristiano Felicio, while the Cameron Payne deal continues to be awful, adding only more cringe to Chicago's offseason.
928. Doc Rivers
A respected coach who repeatedly sabotaged himself by making dumb moves as GM, Doc's spotty history in the dual-role finally caught up with him this summer.
Chris Paul forced his way out of town amid trepidation of GM Doc's ineptitude, costing Coach Doc his best player. It proved costly for GM Doc too, as he no longer exists.
901. Indiana Pacers
Much like the Bulls, were completely robbed of an elite swingman. Despite potentially an even worse return, Indiana was severely handicapped by PG wanting to leave them - and likely any team he was traded to - specifically for the Lakers. It can't be frowned upon quite as much as the Bulls' blunder.
874. Nerlens Noel
Pretty awkward summer for Noel, who had 4 years/$70 million on the table, shunned the contract, sat unclaimed for two months, fired his agent, and finally inked the paltry qualifying offer.
While he's free to roam unrestricted in 2018, an injury-heavy past haunts him as he plays for a long-term deal. He's unlikely to find much better next summer, and the potential downside if he gets hurt again is heavy.
858. The Trade Market for Superstars
Superstars have become a very tricky asset in NBA trade markets. In such a star-driven league, there seems to be no more ground between "this guy's untouchable, we want a king's ransom" and "we're fucked, the league knows he's leaving and they're lowballing us".
The reverse-leverage created by a superstar's flight risk led to absolute robberies of Jimmy Butler and Paul George, while the Clippers only got a pu-pu platter deluxe for Chris Paul. The Cavs might actually win the Kyrie Irving trade, but only because they miraculously targeted the one good team with the right asset mix.
If you're a shitty franchise with a young superstar (looking your way New Orleans), maybe get the jump on the trade market before your situation's obviousness buries you.
The Jazz were already a grind-it-out defensive team who finished dead last in team scoring last year. Then their two best offensive players left them. Ricky Rubio's a decent pickup who should mesh well with Derrick Favors and Rudy Gobert, but for their biggest needs - scoring and shooting - he's pretty useless.
815. Patrick Patterson
When you're an established NBA veteran who's been a key role player for a winning franchise, and Cristiano Felicio is suddenly signing for twice as much as you, things need to be re-evaluated.
797. New York Knicks
They shed themselves of Phil Jackson, but the same institutional nightmares remain. They proceeded to sign Tim Hardaway Jr to the summer's most-trolled contract, then had to learn the Porzingis drama they thought they killed with Phil could be alive and well.
778. Atlanta Hawks
Whatever siege the city of Atlanta is waging upon pop culture, the Hawks aren't going to be a part of it. With Paul Millsap now in new threads, ATL's entire "Spurs East" roster has been shed, leaving in its wake the likes of Ersan Ilyasova, Miles Plumlee and Luke Babbitt. (Hooray!). They're in full-on rebuild mode with no foundation players or identity.
764. Cleveland Cavaliers
Not quite as insulting an offseason for Cleveland as its owner, but still mildly disastrous. Sure, they got a good return for Kyrie (assuming Isaiah Thomas' hip stays together). They still had to trade a bonafide superstar, worse yet to the only team in the East that threatens them.
Between the trade, its surrounding drama, the opportunity cost of firing David Griffin, the incessant LeBron exodus talk and Boston's power moves, just a bad scene all around for the Cavs.
741. Dallas Mavericks
Because it's the Mavericks, their plans to sign a free-agent center obviously went horribly awry with the lose-lose Nerlens Noel crisis. They also struck out on other key free agent targets, but pulled another season out of Dirk for the legacy bargain of $5 million.
Dennis Smith could be a killer pickup, however the Mavericks are still several steps behind the rest of the West's perennial basement - the Wolves, Suns, Lakers and, yes, somehow even, the Kings - who at least have multiple assets and/or a long-term plan. They're likely to be leapfrogged by several teams in the standings.
711. New Orleans Pelicans
Took without question the summer's biggest gamble giving Jrue Holiday $125 million, and are still painfully thin around Boogie & Brow. Holiday's potential is capped, and his injury risk is severe, leaving only potential downside to a bloody expensive five-year commitment.
The Pelicans also needed spacing around their superstar big men, proceeding to sign Rajon Rondo and Tony Allen; two the weaker shooters by reputation in the NBA. Don't be shocked if this roster flops and the Cousins trade winds start blowing again.
707. Kyle Lowry
Lowry got shafted by the free agency market again, this time due to the ubiquity of the point guard, suddenly a need for fewer teams than ever. Franchises that had cap space and a point void were slim, forcing Lowry to take a shorter deal as his prime fades.
698. Dwight Howard
Shipped out of yet another city after his negligible impact on their franchise (moreover his hometown team). The Hawks knew they overpaid Howard, cutting him loose after just one season to key their rebuild.
He does still stand to make $23.5 million this year, but it's hard to picture a guy who once punched a teammate in the face putting up with much of Howard's immaturity.
679. Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers definitely can't be happy about their offseason, but given how bad things turned out for other teams that traded superstars, they can't be too upset either.
The Paul haul (plus Danilo Gallinari) leaves them a balanced rotation, with upside to spare from Montrezl Harrell, Sam Dekker and a first-round pick.
Their main concern will be playmaking, particularly for DeAndre Jordan, who will feel CP3's absence the most. They'll have to succeed with Blake Griffin running a lot of point forward; the Clippers currently deploy Pat Beverley, Austin Rivers and second-round pick Jawun Evans at the one.
661. Brooklyn Nets
The Nets got a little cred towards the end of last season when they started busting ass and playing actual edible basketball. But these were baby steps in a cosmic sense. This team is still two years away from being two years away.
While they wrangled D'Angelo Russell from the offseason waters, they hauled in the whale contracts of Timofey Mozgov and Allen Crabbe. Brooklyn also took on the last two years of DeMarre Carroll's gross deal, all together wasting them just around $100 million through 2018-19.
Stay tuned for Part Two: The Half-Steppers, coming soon.
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