2017 Offseason Power Rankings - Part I: The Basement-Dwellers

So. That was an offseason.

After Kevin Durant kind of changed the game last year, this summer became an utter clusterfuck of star - and superstar - movement.

As the salary cap bonanza continued, teams threw astronomical amounts of money around, even with the cap coming up shorter than projected.

Rumors, beefs and demands completely flooded the internet. The soap opera and hype machine factors were higher than ever before.

A deep draft loaded with (what else) point guards gave the league a huge supplement at what was already its most talented position.

And while the Warriors still stand alone as the NBA's best, the power dynamic beneath them has shifted noticeably amid the dustup over the past few months.

So who came out on top of all this madness? Focusing purely on this summer's impact, Banter's attempting to rank how the NBA's various entities fared over the offseason, starting at the bottom with the Basement-Dwellers:

Last Place: The Eastern Conference
It was already long the crappier of the two conferences, but this summer for the East was like Season 3 for the Barksdale crew.

Two of the East's four best players were traded to the West for virtually nothing. A third All-Star left for absolutely nothing. As such, the Hawks, Pacers and Bulls are about to nosedive down the standings, leaving a huge void at the bottom of the playoff bracket.

Concurrently, there was little-to-no progress from East doormats like Orlando, Brooklyn and New York. With the possible exception of the Celtics, every East team top-to-bottom is now crappier than its West counterpart.

While we struggle to justify Eastern All-Stars this year, there will be incessant discussion of LeBron James' apparent intent to also skip town for the West, which would basically be the basketball equivalent of this conversation.

987. Dan Gilbert
Gilbert's Summer started by panic-firing the GM who put the Cavs' championship team together, as he was working a deal for Jimmy Butler no less. Then came the realization that nobody wanted to work for the Comic Sans Bandit when all his target candidates declined.

One of the key factors in their skepticism were rampant rumors - so many that it's hard to just call them rumors - of LeBron's imminent departure. As if that weren't enough, Kyrie Irving then forced his way out of town, capping a total shit-typhoon of a summer for Gilbert's franchise and reputation.

955. Chicago Bulls

Having your former coach commit grand larceny for your franchise player is never a great place to start.

Da Bulls gave up a top 10-15 player, netting a lot of question marks in return: Lauri Markkanen's recent triumphs at Eurobasket are encouraging, but he's still very much a project. Zach LaVine's entire value hinges on a torn ACL. Kris Dunn is somehow an even worse shooter than last season's Rondo/Carter-Williams point squad.

Hours after the Butler debacle, they literally sold Jordan Bell to the Warriors, which is beginning to look like an extremely stupid decision.

Elsewhere, the Bulls overpaid Cristiano Felicio, while the Cameron Payne deal continues to be awful, adding only more cringe to Chicago's offseason.

928. Doc Rivers 
A respected coach who repeatedly sabotaged himself by making dumb moves as GM, Doc's spotty history in the dual-role finally caught up with him this summer.

Chris Paul forced his way out of town amid trepidation of GM Doc's ineptitude, costing Coach Doc his best player. It proved costly for GM Doc too, as he no longer exists.

901. Indiana Pacers 
Much like the Bulls, were completely robbed of an elite swingman. Despite potentially an even worse return, Indiana was severely handicapped by PG wanting to leave them - and likely any team he was traded to - specifically for the Lakers. It can't be frowned upon quite as much as the Bulls' blunder.

874. Nerlens Noel
Pretty awkward summer for Noel, who had 4 years/$70 million on the table, shunned the contract, sat unclaimed for two months, fired his agent, and finally inked the paltry qualifying offer.

While he's free to roam unrestricted in 2018, an injury-heavy past haunts him as he plays for a long-term deal. He's unlikely to find much better next summer, and the potential downside if he gets hurt again is heavy.

858. The Trade Market for Superstars 
Superstars have become a very tricky asset in NBA trade markets. In such a star-driven league, there seems to be no more ground between "this guy's untouchable, we want a king's ransom" and "we're fucked, the league knows he's leaving and they're lowballing us".

The reverse-leverage created by a superstar's flight risk led to absolute robberies of Jimmy Butler and Paul George, while the Clippers only got a pu-pu platter deluxe for Chris Paul. The Cavs might actually win the Kyrie Irving trade, but only because they miraculously targeted the one good team with the right asset mix.

If you're a shitty franchise with a young superstar (looking your way New Orleans), maybe get the jump on the trade market before your situation's obviousness buries you.

834. Utah Jazz
The Jazz were already a grind-it-out defensive team who finished dead last in team scoring last year. Then their two best offensive players left them. Ricky Rubio's a decent pickup who should mesh well with Derrick Favors and Rudy Gobert, but for their biggest needs - scoring and shooting - he's pretty useless.

815. Patrick Patterson

When you're an established NBA veteran who's been a key role player for a winning franchise, and Cristiano Felicio is suddenly signing for twice as much as you, things need to be re-evaluated.

797. New York Knicks
They shed themselves of Phil Jackson, but the same institutional nightmares remain. They proceeded to sign Tim Hardaway Jr to the summer's most-trolled contract, then had to learn the Porzingis drama they thought they killed with Phil could be alive and well.

778. Atlanta Hawks
Whatever siege the city of Atlanta is waging upon pop culture, the Hawks aren't going to be a part of it. With Paul Millsap now in new threads, ATL's entire "Spurs East" roster has been shed, leaving in its wake the likes of Ersan Ilyasova, Miles Plumlee and Luke Babbitt. (Hooray!). They're in full-on rebuild mode with no foundation players or identity.

764. Cleveland Cavaliers
Not quite as insulting an offseason for Cleveland as its owner, but still mildly disastrous. Sure, they got a good return for Kyrie (assuming Isaiah Thomas' hip stays together). They still had to trade a bonafide superstar, worse yet to the only team in the East that threatens them.

Between the trade, its surrounding drama, the opportunity cost of firing David Griffin, the incessant LeBron exodus talk and Boston's power moves, just a bad scene all around for the Cavs.

741. Dallas Mavericks
Because it's the Mavericks, their plans to sign a free-agent center obviously went horribly awry with the lose-lose Nerlens Noel crisis. They also struck out on other key free agent targets, but pulled another season out of Dirk for the legacy bargain of $5 million.

Dennis Smith could be a killer pickup, however the Mavericks are still several steps behind the rest of the West's perennial basement - the Wolves, Suns, Lakers and, yes, somehow even, the Kings - who at least have multiple assets and/or a long-term plan. They're likely to be leapfrogged by several teams in the standings.

711. New Orleans Pelicans
Took without question the summer's biggest gamble giving Jrue Holiday $125 million, and are still painfully thin around Boogie & Brow. Holiday's potential is capped, and his injury risk is severe, leaving only potential downside to a bloody expensive five-year commitment.

The Pelicans also needed spacing around their superstar big men, proceeding to sign Rajon Rondo and Tony Allen; two the weaker shooters by reputation in the NBA. Don't be shocked if this roster flops and the Cousins trade winds start blowing again.

707. Kyle Lowry
Lowry got shafted by the free agency market again, this time due to the ubiquity of the point guard, suddenly a need for fewer teams than ever. Franchises that had cap space and a point void were slim, forcing Lowry to take a shorter deal as his prime fades.

698. Dwight Howard
Shipped out of yet another city after his negligible impact on their franchise (moreover his hometown team). The Hawks knew they overpaid Howard, cutting him loose after just one season to key their rebuild.

He does still stand to make $23.5 million this year, but it's hard to picture a guy who once punched a teammate in the face putting up with much of Howard's immaturity.

679. Los Angeles Clippers

The Clippers definitely can't be happy about their offseason, but given how bad things turned out for other teams that traded superstars, they can't be too upset either.

The Paul haul (plus Danilo Gallinari) leaves them a balanced rotation, with upside to spare from Montrezl Harrell, Sam Dekker and a first-round pick.

Their main concern will be playmaking, particularly for DeAndre Jordan, who will feel CP3's absence the most. They'll have to succeed with Blake Griffin running a lot of point forward; the Clippers currently deploy Pat Beverley, Austin Rivers and second-round pick Jawun Evans at the one.

661. Brooklyn Nets
The Nets got a little cred towards the end of last season when they started busting ass and playing actual edible basketball. But these were baby steps in a cosmic sense. This team is still two years away from being two years away.

While they wrangled D'Angelo Russell from the offseason waters, they hauled in the whale contracts of Timofey Mozgov and Allen Crabbe. Brooklyn also took on the last two years of DeMarre Carroll's gross deal, all together wasting them just around $100 million through 2018-19.

Stay tuned for Part Two: The Half-Steppers, coming soon.

Free Agency Power Rankings

So a couple weeks ago, all hell broke loose in the NBA, as the annual bonanza known as Free Agency kicked off and stuffed a massive amount of landscape-shifting into a several-day window.

In a dizzying flurry of player movement and dollar signs, franchises hit homes runs, stayed the course, confounded us, and whiffed miserably. With salaries bloating under the impeding TV cash influx, money was being spewed away like never before, but with unprecedented cap room and a very "Contend or Bust" mentality about NBA front offices, there would be plenty of risk-taking by someone either way.

What matters is how calculated those risks are, and how likely they are to improve a team. Some front offices are taking active steps, while others seem to just be spending money for the fuck of it.

The implications of the past few wekks are heavy for both franchises and players, and are scattered everywhere from dreams-come-true, to waking nightmares. Though the full stories won't play out for some time, here's a look at who's winning right now; the Free Agency Power Rankings:

Wherever Last Is. Portland Trailblazers/Damian Lillard
Shit just got real in RIP City. Six months ago, this team had an outside chance at the NBA title. Then in a single week, they lost three starters, including their best player, for nothing. Trading Nic Batum for Gerald Henderson and Noah Vonleh was a wise preemptive move that freed up money and gave them a potential prospect, but Vonleh's a long way off, and didn't show much as a rookie.

The bottom line's a devastating blow to the Blazers, to Portland, and to Lillard, who must be feeling like a bit of a sucka right now, entering his prime while locked into a difficult rebuilding project. For any star, let alone one as competitive as Dame Dash, being completely deserted like this is a rare and deflating predicament in the NBA.

340. Sacramento Kings
There's a scene in The Dark Knight where Alfred tries to allegorically decipher the Joker's addiction to senseless chaos. He surmises that some evil has no desire for personal gain; it's twisted enough to "watch the World burn" and be content.

Of course, this is in reference to a deranged comic book villain who commits random acts of mass terror, but Alfred could just as easily be talking about Vivek Ranadive, which is all you really need to know about the Kings' predicament.

267. Carmelo Anthony

Oops. That Big Apple money starting to not sit too well.

Now that the Knicks are over a year into the Phil Experience and still pitiful, the grass is starting to look far greener in other pastures. Chicago in particular would've been an awesome fit, or really anywhere that wasn't mired in a high-profile, long-term rebuilding project.

Melo now has two options: stay the course and waste what's left of your prime in the Lottery, or play the difficult, self-defacing Trade Demand Card. Neither is a great option, and Anthony can only blame himself. Unfortunately, all the millions in the World can't buy him the one ring he still hasn't come close to.

204. Dallas Mavericks
There's plenty of takes one can have on the delirious 24 hour love triangle that DeAndre Jordan just locked the Mavs and Clippers into, but when all was settled, there was one undeniable reality: Jordan won't be in Dallas next year.

You can say whatever you want about Jordan's integrity, the Clippers' tactics, Blake Griffin's mediation skills, Chandler Parsons' Twitter game, Chris Broussard's 'sources', Wesley Matthew's ankle, or the nuclear bomb Mark Cuban is about to detonate. The Mavs had Jordan - one of the NBA's best centers regardless of free-throw woes - and now they don't. And that really sucks for them.

151. Los Angeles Lakers
This franchise is just completely soulless right now.

As if they somehow felt short on manic volume-chuckers, they went out and added Lou Williams to the Kobe/Swaggy P brigade, a pure cap-space bonfire if ever there was one.

They traded for Roy Hibbert, and while a second-round pick wasn't a huge price, they're now forking over $15 mil to a guy who's an absolute lummox on offense, and might not be the best fit defensively in LA. Hibbert's an elite rim-protector, but he's also not very quick; he'll struggle to beat attackers (and there will be plenty of them with so much rancid D on the Lakers' perimeter) to spots and use his "Verticality" to his advantage.

They may not be paying Jeremy Lin and Carlos Boozer a combined $30mil+ anymore this year, but they're paying Kobe almost that much as he continues to lurk over the franchise like a creepy ex driving by slowly at 12:57 am.

The Lakers lack both talent and cohesion, and have begun the post-Jerry era in stunning irrelevancy. They fanned on free agency, and still have a coach who thinks shooting 3's is a bad idea. At least they can chase the Top-3 Lottery status that will save them from shipping a pick to Philly, and hope to pair D'Angelo Russell with another building block,

119. Rajon Rondo
He's essentially looking to bank his future on this one season, not wanting to sign long-term when his value's at an all-time low. Problem for Rondo is that he disgraced himself so badly in Dallas that nobody wanted him, so he was left to sign with quite possibly the most dysfunctional team in the NBA, where he'll be dealing with an off-kilter owner, a conflict-oriented coach, and perhaps the single most volatile star in the NBA. Sounds like exactly the right place for a fresh start.

98. Atlanta Hawks
Between losing DeMarre Carroll and dealing with the reality that their acceptance of Tiago Splitter's salary allowed the Spurs to lay an absolute gamebreaker on the rest of the NBA, the summer's gotten off to an even rockier star than last regular season.

74. Arron Afflalo
Afflalo has two reasons to be unhappy right now: 1. Even with this salary cap boom, he barely got any kind of pay spike, and 2. He now plays for the Knicks. Enjoy being an on-the-low media target and having Carmelo look you off all year.



59. Phoenix Suns
Not really sure what they're doing here, but there's no question that they're still semi-reeling from
losing Goran Dragic and Isaiah Thomas for a gumball machine and a pair of Pumas back in February. Now, they've sunk long-term bucks into an aging center to stifle the growth of Alex Len, who once seemed like The Future. After what this team did the last time they had preseason doubters, it's hard to write them off, but their gameplan seems to be going in different directions at once.

46. Brandan Wright
A textbook win/lose. Sure, he's now got a secure role on a fringe contender after being passed around the NBA like frathouse bong last season. But, dude... fire your agent. 3 years/$18 mil??
Aron Baynes got more skrill than you.

34. Indiana Pacers
Losing Hibbert is a wash for Indiana, as his plodding, inconsistent play was becoming less and less a part of what helped them win. Essentially trading centers with L.A, the Pacers then signed Jordan Hill, giving them center of similar effectiveness at a third of the cost. Adding Monta Ellis however is a huge upgrade over Rodney Stuckey; one that should offset any offensive punch lost with David West's departure.

25. Cleveland Cavaliers
Even with Tristan Thompson's increasingly-awkward lingering no-deal, this has been a win so far for Cleveland. Even though he's wildly underutilized on the Cavs, locking up Kevin Love has to feel nice after a season of widespread tension between their de facto GM and the Dude They Just Traded Andrew Wiggins For.

18. Memphis Grizzlies
Brandan Wright is a large addition for them at a great value. Locking up Marc Gasol is also massive, though there was a roughly .00015% chance he was ever leaving anyway.

12. Dwyane Wade
See, I get that Wade's an icon in Miami, and the cap increase, yadda yadda. But last year the guy missed a quarter of the season - one in which he was already slightly overpaid at $15mil - as his body continued to go the way of an NFL running back. He had one of his worst-shooting campaigns ever, and turned the ball over more, in fewer minutes, than he has this decade. Dude opted out and got a 33% raise to stay well-rested this year with the deepest team he's ever played on. And is still married to Gabrielle Union. Life's nice in South Beach.

10. Reggie Jackson
He's got his money and alpha-status in Detroit's backcourt on what might just be a Playoff team this year. Hope he's happy now.

9. Toronto Raptors

First off, Landry Fields came off the books. Immediate win.

The Raptors nailed the first signing of the Free Agency period, snaring DeMarre Carroll from the Hawks after a season in which he was subtly one of the NBA's most effective players. His ability to produce on a team whose ball movement is nowhere close to as good as Atlanta's will dictate whether his contract's a bargain or a burden, but it can't possibly go worse than some of Toronto's previous cap space blunders. He's a large upgrade over Terrence Ross' inconsistency on both sides of the ball.

Picking up Bismack Biyombo was a nice move at a good price; while he's abhorrent offensively, he's among the NBA's better paint defenders and will give the Raptors a much-needed deterrent against attackers. Cory Joseph is also a great defender (and underrated offensive player) who will help bolster this team's identity on D, after too many soft spots exposed them last season.

There's no question the Raps will miss Amir Johnson's length and hustle, but Patrick Patterson just might be ready for an increased role, and at the very least is a high-IQ guy who bangs the glass and space the floor very well. But while losing the reigning Sixth Man of the Year might seem like a deep cut, Lou Williams was an overrated chucked who ruined any semblance of team offense, complemented by defense ranging from "casual" to "absent".

The Raptors may not have taken a full step forward yet, but after a year in which their offensive punch was repeatedly betrayed by their defensive incompetence, they're at least stepping in the right direction.

8. Houston Rockets
They kept Corey Brewer at a reasonable price, signed Patrick Beverley to one of the best deals in the NBA, and won't be hit that badly by the Josh Smith departure with Motiejunas returning. Stealing the embattled Ty Lawson from the Nuggets was yet another savvy asset pillage that gives the Rockets one of the NBA's most dangerous backcourts. Morey wins again; maybe his team might someday.

7. Milwaukee Bucks

Step one was locking up Khris Middleton, one of the most subtly sought-after players on the market.
He was a vital part of what the Bucks did last year, and will provide plenty of incentive for defenses not to double down on...

Greg Monroe Baby! What a home-run signing for a team without a go-to scorer or any semblance of inside offensive presence. Moose will likely flourish in a system with more spacing than he ever had in Detroit (Michael Carter-Williams notwithstanding), no longer forced to share touches with Josh Smith and Andre Drummond.

Add him to a unit that's welcoming back Jabari Parker and will get to reach deeper into Giannis Antetokounmpo's complex toolbox, and you probably have a dark horse East contender if all breaks right.

6. "3 & D" Guys
They're the trendiest commodity in the NBA at the perfect time: gritty defenders who can cover a variety of matchups, also provide that most coveted of offensive assets: spacing. Two-way play has never been more easily quantified (and thus extrapolated to the realms of contract negotiations), so guys like the aforementioned DeMarre Carroll and Khris Middleton are getting PAID.

5. Jimmy Butler
Very seldom does turning down big guaranteed money work out for players as well as it did for Butler, who told the Bulls' cheapskate ownership to fuck off at 4 yrs/$44mil last October, then proceeded to win the NBA's Most Improved Player award. Because Jimmy Butler's either both smart or very well-represented, and also extremely good at basketball, he's also now $50 million richer than he would've been behind Door A.

4. Draymond Green
Now both has a championship, and makes over ten times as much money as he did last season. Talk about a Contract Year.


3. New Orleans Pelicans
The Pelicans may have just inked the largest contract in NBA history, but if there was a single player
in the league right now who you'd wanted secured long-term, they now have him.

Anthony Davis is going to be a destructive force of incomprehensible magnitude for the next decade. He's now given the Pelicans five of the best years of his career to build a winner around him, after a spirited run to the 8-seed. They've started by hiring a real coach (sorry Monty), and while Eric Gordon understandably exercised his gaudy $15-milly player option, they have room to grow with very little money tied up long-term and the salary cap exploding imminently.

But let's not overthink anything, this is really simple: The Brow is yours for at least the next five years. Twenty-nine teams are envious.

2. Los Angeles Clippers

The DeAndre Jordan heist was perhaps the greatest free agency coup in recent memory; cornering the
quasi-star center in his house and literally locking the team's braintrust in a room with him until he re-signed. You can crow all you want about the so-called 'ethics' of the whole thing but there's no arguing its result is absolutely massive for the Clippers.

That alone is worth a high spot on this summer's rankings, but L.A. also shored up their painfully shallow roster with the additions of Paul Pierce, Lance Stephenson, and most recently Josh Smith. Pierce will bring poise, swag, and infinitely better spacing than Matt Barnes; even in his career's twilight, he's still got it. While Stephenson and (to a lesser extent) Smith can be wild cards, both will be massive upgrades over anything the Clippers had coming off the bench last year, even if there are occasional headaches.

The Clippers beat the Spurs in an epic first-round battle with Austin Rivers as a 6th Man, which is basically to say they did it with no bench whatsoever. If Smith and Stephenson don't carelessly implode in their new roles (and they're less likely to do it under a no-bullshit coach like Doc Rivers), this roster will be a nightmare for opponents and definite contender.


1. The Dark Side of the Alamo
The Spurs always win. It's just what they do. Even when they lost in the playoffs this year, they went down in one of the greatest displays of defeat ever.

So they feel they need to level up - how do they respond? Oh you know, just by scooping the best fucking player available; a fringe MVP-type who will allow Tim Duncan to pick his spots on offense and Kawhi Leonard to blossom in the Pippen role he's best suited for (LaMarcus Aldridge, not Jimmer Fredette).

Speaking of Kawhi, they inked him and Danny Green to bargain-basement deals, while convincing David West to sign with them for the veteran's minimum; bolstering what was already one of the NBA's deepest rosters (and making Ray Allen eat his words).

They should be favored to notch another title next year, though given that the Spurs always win, that shouldn't really surprise anyone.

Top 9s: The Tank Brigade

Welcome to the Tank Brigade; where the race for professional basketball's worst record is heating up.

Tanking has never been trendier; a shift induced not only by the massive talent pool in next year's Draft, but by a dynamic historical precedent. Not only does it (with very rare exception) take elite talent to win an NBA title - we're talking at least one bonafide Top-10 guy - but with stars aligning in big cities and taking salary cuts to help their teams dodge the cap, it's never been harder for small market/less established teams to land the best players.

The mentality that competing for a low Playoff spot is the League's worst position has never been so prevalent, leading most teams to shoot for the stars, or lie down in the dirt. While the likes of the Thunder and Pacers battle for the Association's best record, there's a more subtle fight in full force. One for the best odds in a gamble to determine a complete gutterball of a season's ultimate worth.

The very worst team stands only a 1 in 4 chance of landing the top pick on a record-based scale, and even a loaded Draft class like the one upon us can have its busts.The Lottery is still very much a gamble. This is degeneracy at its highest stakes; snuffing seasons and making fans wait on a relative dice roll. In a league where owners spent a lockout griping about "competitive parity" just over two years ago.

Some franchises are more or less banking on a lottery miracle, while others have set themselves up nicely for whatever they net in this Draft to join a promising foundation; stockpiling other assets and clearing cap space.

So here are the NBA's Nine worst teams as of today, ranked from worst to first in order of how well they've managed through this whole "Tanking" thing:

9. New York Knicks
Woops.

So this season hasn't been great for the Knicks; the kind that's swiftly gone from alarming, to laughable, to downright tragic.

Their presence here is dubious for any number of reasons, from their Playoff ambitions and gaudy payroll, to the future picks they stupidly dealt, crippling their rebuilding effort. The Knicks will have no first-round pick this season, or in 2016; saved by the Stepien Rule from burying themselves deeper.

They've also traded a slew of second-rounders, to make sage, competitively-priced acquisitions like Andrea Bargnani. This was a total dud of the contract that the Raptors were just praying to unload on some GM who, like most of America, had mostly ignored them and didn't know just how bad Bargs was. Then along comes New York, offering to give them three draft picks, along with cheaper, shorter-term deals, to take him off their hands.

They literally yanked their own safety net before nose-diving down the East standings, and now face an offseason of many questions, with no idea where to begin on an answer.

8. New Orleans Pelicans 
The Pels bought up their own stock prematurely, and currently owning the NBA's second-longest losing streak, are cruising towards an early summer, likely with no redemption in sight.

Like the Knicks, they mortgaged their Lottery equity for current assets, figuring their team to be better and the pick much lower. Sure enough, as soon as you could say "Point Guard Injury Epidemic" and "Tyreke Evans was a waste of money", the Pelicans tilted the scales of the Jrue Holiday deal heavily.

Unless they luck out and land in the top-5, Philly will get the Pels' first-rounder, ironically in exchange for the very player whose absence (along with Ryan Anderson) made this pick become so attractive.

So far, we've learned that Tanking is mostly sub-optimal strategy when you've given away your Draft picks and are among the worst teams by accident.


7. Sacramento Kings
That so much of Sacramento's next season lies in Rudy Gay's $19million player option is a mildly terrifying predicament, especially for a rebuilding team that gave up a bunch of expiring deals for him.

Working in their favor is that Gay has been playing arguably the best ball of his career, able to dominate the rock and shoot with no conscience on a team with low expectations. This might lean him towards putting himself on the market now while his stock's high; locking up another deal before he's dealt to a stricter team ('Rudy Gay's Expiring Contract' would be the most-floated piece in trade rumors next year) and his shot selection becomes an international punchline again.

With Boogie beasting, and a reasonable cap scenario long-term, this could be a solid team in a few years if the pieces come together properly, but so far the movement under new owner Vivek Ranadive has been mostly lateral.

6. Utah Jazz
The Jazz have done an outstanding job of clearing cap room and producing a 2013-14 on-court product that would surely suck enough to get a high Lotto pick.

The problem for them is they may have done it too well.

This team has few attractive pieces, with Enes Kanter, and to a lesser extent Derrick Favors, failing to make much of a leap in their expanded roles, and meshing poorly together as a tandem. Trey Burke will remain, as will Gordon Hayward (for a year, at least) but it's hardly enough to convince the kind of talent Utah's banking on to come spend most of their year in a trendy, must-visit NBA locale like Salt Lake City.

I'm predicting a Jazz offseason that exemplifies why not all cap space is created equal, and leaves them short on the Free Agent Haul.

5. Boston Celtics
The Celtics' season has been somewhat confounding. The two apparent objectives this year were: 1) Trade Rajon Rondo, and 2) Lose as many games as possible. The former didn't happen, and the latter only did after a counter-productively hot start under Brad Stevens.

The good news is that Stevens was an ace hire, and that several Celtics pieces - most notably Jared Sullinger - have seen a spike in value, both to the team and on the trade market. The bad news is that they still have to pay Gerald Wallace $20million over the next two years, and the continuing Rondo uncertainty makes their future very hard to define.

4. L.A. Lakers

The Lakers' range of possibilities for next season is extremely wide:

They currently have over half their cap next year (roughly $35million) invested in two guys who've each played less than ten games this year. That said, the latest round of Steve Nash retirement rumors seem more well-founded than in the past, possibly shaving $10m off the tab.

Since a very large chunk of their roster is off the books this summer, the Lakers (if Nash does hang 'em up) could have safely over $30million in cap space, along with a decent-at-worst Lottery pick.

How all that potential comes together is obviously a tricky variable; TinselTown has always been a favorite destination for big names, but there's no telling just how willing Player X will be to team with Kobe or commit to a rebuild.

With such a large window, the Lakers are sure to come back reloaded, but they only have to rewind their franchise one year to see how throwing a bunch of talent together can be an unmitigated disaster.

3. Milwaukee Bucks
John Hammond is a genius.

I don't say this in any facetious regard; I really think the guy's a mastermind. Last summer, the Bucks were staring an obvious rebuild in the face, with senile owner Herb Kohl demanding that the team stay "competitive" (read: pick in the late Lottery or get swept by Indiana/Miami).

Instead of condemning them to middling mediocrity, Hammond had a plan; he knew his owner was being an idiot, but he didn't want to get himself fired. So he went about his mandate under the appearance of legitimacy, inking deals and making trades that seemed aimed at the short-term, but weren't making Milwaukee any better . He even coerced sports' trendiest website into exaggerating his team's worth in their season preview.

Then when the curtains came up, the Bucks confirmed everyone's suspicions that they couldn't score. At all. Hammond then hired local goons to provoke new-signed defensive backbone Larry Sanders into injuring himself in a drunken nightclub meltdown. As a result, they own the NBA's worst record (/best Lottery odds), two promising prospects in John Henson and Giannis Antetokounmpo (it's his name, get over it), and little long-term financial commitment.

2. Orlando Magic
Few teams made being bad look as easy this season as the Magic, who have a bottom-3 record in the East and plenty going in their favor:

- they have two legitimate foundation pieces (Nik & Vic); they're the only serious tankers who can say that.

- their whole team is bathing in upside; a roster to which they'll add a potential stud in late June

- they have oodles of cap space, and play in Orlando, which between the sunshine, Disney World, and the lack of state income tax, is relatively prime Free Agent real estate


All added up, this should be a pretty quick turnaround for the Magic, which after Dwight Howard hijacked their franchise for 18 months, should come as comfort to their fans.

1. Philadelphia 76ers
THIS is how you suck. The Sixers have by far the largest pot of gold of at the end of this season's shit-rainbow.

First they snaked likely future-All Star Michael Carter-Williams late in last year's Lottery and had him miss a convenient amount of games. They'll get continued growth moving forward from a guy nobody thought would be this good. Then they whittled their payroll down to the bare bones; with somewhere between 17-32million on tap for next year, they'll be the least-constricted team in this summer's spending spree. All the while, losing almost methodically by playing a frenetic pace with a D-League roster.

The plot thickens with the oncoming arrival of potentially game-changing defensive center Nerlens Noel, along with (and here's the best part) not one, but two Lotto picks from the much-ogled 2014 Class. Not only do the 76ers have their own selection, but that of the Pelicans in the highly likely event it lands outside the Top 5.

After the Bynum disaster, the floor fell out beneath the Sixers quickly, but this team has enough going for it beyond this season that they'll likely wind up reaping the greatest spoils of the Tank Brigade.

Beautiful Goodbye: The Andrea Bargnani Story

Throughout their 20-year history, the Toronto Raptors have developed somewhat of a crappy reputation.

Long-abandoned as the NBA's lone Canadian franchise, their history of transactions and acquisitions reads like horror novel of bad contracts, squandered superstars and a general lack of addressing the team's glaring issues. Naturally this hasn't translated to much success; the Raptors haven't made the postseason in five years and have exactly one series victory on their tally. Even the Grizzlies - against whom they were once relatively superior - have found a new home in a smaller market and turned themselves into a consistent Playoff threat.

Raptors management often subtly played the "Canada" card in the media, claiming difficulty luring top players North of the border. Regardless of any subjective geographic handicap, they made mis-step after mis-step to bury themselves three-fold by ruining their financial flexibility, forcing overpaid, under-performing and incompatible players to share the court, and destroying any glimmer they had of making their team seem appealing.

One of the more notorious fumbles was the drafting - and subsequent extension - of Andrea Bargnani with the first overall pick in 2006. Ranked behind near-sure-thing big man LaMarcus Aldridge almost universally, GM Bryan Colangelo reached for the upside-filled Italian, seeing the next Dirk Nowitzki (you know, because that had panned out for so many other teams).

The next few seasons didn't go incredibly for Bargs; despite being a legit 7-footer, he hardly seemed built as the NBA center he was impersonating. Though he showed a reasonable skill set, was extremely quick for his size, and occasionally went off from long range, Bargnani was an awkward liability on defense, the boards, and in pasta sauce commercials.
Still though, Colangelo was committed, and in 2009 gave his young underachiever $50 million over five years, saddling the Raptors financially and beginning an apparent mission to get himself fired.

Though it took four years, Colangelo was axed this spring in awkward fashion, a dismissal partially ensured by Bargs' horrific regression over the past two seasons. Fortunately for the Raptors, their ownership's new CEO had enough clout to pry Masai Ujiri - reigning Executive of the Year - away from the semi-implosion in Denver, and Ujiri in turn made an immediate impact, cleansing the Raptors of Bargnani's burdensome final two years (and $23 million) by shipping him to the Knicks.

While pieces acquired in return do little to help the Raptors immediately, they've shed themselves of a painful mistake and given themselves more traction on the road to rebuilding by taking on $4m less in guaranteed salary next season and picking up two draft picks. This move comes as not only an encouraging sign of things to come from Ujiri, but a minor miracle given everything that had to come together for it to happen:

- They needed to get rid of Colangelo, who appeared to have too much personal investment in Bargnani to admit "Ok guys, I screwed up here, time to cut losses" and deal a bad contract at face value.

- They had to hire a savvy GM who's used to on-the-fly rebuilding; enter Ujiri who blew up the Carmelo Anthony Nuggets without ever making them a worse team. For that to happen, they needed front-office mogul Tim Leiweke at the helm of Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment - the Raptors' ownership group - to give some credibility to a wayward franchise.

- There had to be a fit for Bargnani; a team with a pragmatic purpose for a floor-stretching big who might see some potential left in him. The Knicks ran a system centered around spacing the floor and launching jumpers, which a player of Bargs' skill set would fit very well into in a perfect World. Not only would he be able to slide over to a more suitable "stretch 4" role, but have Tyson Chandler behind him on defense.

- This team had to be desperate to shake things up, which the Knicks certainly are. Anything short of challenging the Heat in the East Finals would've come as a disappointment for this team, and their frustrating loss to the Pacers rang alarms about their scoring consistency and defensive toughness.

- Moreover, this team also had to play in a big market and be able to absorb a mammoth contract for a player who - at best - might be a 2nd scoring option and could wind up hurting more than helping their cause. Hell, with $73 million committed to six roster spots next year, why not snag one of the NBA's most overpaid employees to round out the lineup?

- And finally, the people running this team had to be foolish, so as to be committing so much money under the circumstances detailed above, surrounding both their team, and Bargnani's career thus far. New York owner James Dolan needs no introduction, while Raptors fans will surely remember current Knicks GM Glen Grunwald as one of the men whose front-office ineptitude helped build Toronto's proud legacy. Given the relevant factors, only someone flirting with idiocy would sign off on acquiring this guy at this price, knowing it probably won't work, and that moving him before the 2015 trade deadline will be next to impossible. I have Christmas as the over/under for Carmelo freezing him out of the offense.

So while the Knicks try to figure out how to work a jumpshooting forward who can't hit jumpshots or rebound into their lineup, the Raptors are left with a more manageable position to adjust their flaws. Dumping Bargnani came not only through several strokes of luck, but as a positive first note to this new era for the Raptors. Gone is the most visceral reminder of their scarred past; no longer will fans have to watch Bargnani suit up for them and listlessly betray the team that gave him so much money and opportunity with his casual, disconnected play.

That he was let go so swiftly has to have this team's fanbase - for once- feeling good about what's to come next.

Hate Me Now

I consider myself to be a pretty good basketball fan. I'm not a stubborn monogomist or a bandwagon hopper, but someone who can apprecaite different things about many NBA teams. I root for few, love to (insincerely) hate on many, but really I just want what's good for the game. Despite this, I'm convinced that there's an undeniable curse haunting the on and off-court lives of any team or player I've dared to call my "favorite" and shown unwavering affection for.

It all started back in '94 when I first started watching ball. Being young and easily excitable, I naturally began worshipping Shawn Kemp, who aside from being pretty damn good, was the most reckless abuser of other players' egos with his high-flying antics. The Sonics were an awesome team who seemed destined for a title, but then things didn't work out for Michael Jordan and baseball, and his 72-10 Bulls beat them in the Finals. Kemp thus doubled his weight, started doing massive amounts of cocaine, and was traded to Cleveland, where nothing ever works out for basketball teams (more on that in a second). Then came the Portland Jailblazers; a colorful bunch of NBA misfits, led by my boy Rasheed, who just happened to have themselves in the thick of the championship hunt. Again, they seemed destined to win it all; up 19 on the Lakers in game 7 of the West Finals back when the East stood no chance at all. Then they missed a few shots, Shaq caught that alley-oop on Sabonis, and an imminent title faded into the distance as the Blazers gradually degenarated into an abyss of selfish basketball, bad contracts and petty crimes. Things just weren't working out, so as an NBA fan, I played the field for a while.

In 2000, Slam magazine ran a feature about some high school sophomore named Lebron James who was trying to get drafted as a 17-year old kid and actually being taken seriously. This kid immediately struck me with his poise and composure; he didn't seem like some insane dreamer, but a young man who was not only determined to be the best, but was actually good enough to do it. I didn't start building it quite that early, but in my mind I was already drawing up blueprints for LBJ bandwagon.

The rest writes itself; the Sports Illustrated cover at 17, the ESPN games, the unheard-of attention and promise that surrounded this kid swept up a nation that was already quick to call for his head over a couple of f***ing throwback jerseys (again, more on that in a second). My admiration for Lebron's game and character kept mounting along with the insane expectations, because no matter how high, he always managed to exceed them, keeping a smile on his face and doing the same for the millions who Witnessed. Even when his NBA career dawned, it seemed we just weren't ready for what he was capable of. Maybe leaving high school early wasn't so far-fetched.

As the rest continued to write itself, Lebron became one of the most loved and high-profile athletes in the World, garnering more attention from the media for not only his stellar play and emerging brand identity, but trivial crap like baseball caps and jersey numbers (what is it with us and this guy's clothing?). As the plot gradually churned leading up to this past summer, things were inevitably going to get very thick for Lebron. Whatever choice he made be dissected under the mass media's most powerful microscope, and signing anywhere but Cleveland seemed like PR suicide.

Thing is, the Cavs just weren't getting it done. Maybe all the hype and expectation finally got to Lebron's head, or maybe he was sick of being a one-man show and still coming up juuust short every year. Whateve the case (likely both), he wanted to win championships. Now. And he found a better opportunity in Miami than the Cavs could offer. Plain and simple. Yeah yeah, I know, "The Decision" was a pretentious, humiliating way to break up with Cleveland, but James gave them a fair window to build a winning franchise around him. Fact is, they brought in some big names, but the 2-12 men came up short in the playoffs every year and visibly frustrated a guy who just wanted to win.

Now that he's Decided to go after greatness, James has been a punching bag, hell a pinata, for fans, talking heads, and even the game's legends this summer. The curse struck again. Not only was James denied a title in Cleveland, but suffered the worst imaginable blow to his image for chasing one. There have been (albeit, some very accurate) misled, exaggerated, out-of-context and just plain stupid things said about the guy who so recently was a basketball hero. One slight screw up and someone we'd spent years adoring was a trendy target for unabashed hatred; like last year when Tiger Woods couldn't keep it in his pants, or like in Scarface when Manny couldn't either. There has been more Lebron hatred raining since mid-July than over his entire career beforehand, and all this before the Miami Heat have played a single game of basketball.

Can we all just fuck off already? All we've ever built Lebron up to be was great. Now he wants to be, and we throw him under the fastest, heaviest truck on the freeway? So what if he's doing it on our terms, leading a team from his hometown to the promise land? He spent half his career slaving to while the team around him came up short. He took a once-in-a-lifetime chance to chase his dream; not money, not fame - he's already got too much of both - but glory. Is that so shameful? We as an audience demanded so much from Lebron that we lost sight of the reality that his own ambitions and desires are what should matter to him. We've seen it happen with countless pro athletes; the bigger the star, the smaller the fuck-up, the larger the outlash; but with James things seemed misguided...All the guy wanted to do was win.

There's not much more that can be said about Lebron's summer that hasn't already been tossed around by jaded, angry and stubborn basketball fans. So let's forget about the offseason, fuck it, it happened, move on. I can't sincerely say that I'll be cheering for the Heat this year - it's hard to root for a team that has the odds stacked so heavily in their favor - but Lebron's going to have a pretty good shot at breaking the curse with the Dream Team the Heat are fielding. It will be exciting, perhaps historical basketball, and if the Heat don't win multiple titles it will surprise many of us.

Keep that in mind, Because it's easy and trendy to hate Lebron now, but it was also trendy (and much easier) to hate Kobe Bryant at one point, and ten times less fathomable that he'd bounce back. Let's let the Heat go do their thing for a bit; let this summer's madness subside. Don't forget that underneath this alleged monster is (arguably) the best basketball player alive. He's got a fresh team - one that's far more talented than any he's been on - and plenty of critics to silence. We can shower Lebron James in Haterade all we want, but when him and D-Wade have their own Court Cuts segment every week, when the Heat win 60+, and when the King can finally hoist the Larry O and rest easy on his throne, it'll be hard for him to feel a single drop.

Makin' Moves: The Offseason's in Full Swing

Now that the shockwaves sent through the NBA by the summer's early blockbusters have settled, we're settling into a more familiar offseason routine; ludicrous lowballing, obnoxious over-paying, shitty trades and contract re-neging: it's all become disturbingly familiar. Here's a quick recap of what we've seen so far:

- Surprising nobody, the Ricky Rubio tug-o-war ended with the Spanish prodigy returning to Europe to fulfill his current contract and mature as a player. A lot of people get caught up in the hype and forget that, despite the poise he showed in the Olympics last summer, he's still 18 and has a lot of improving to do. He'll be much more ready to contribute in a couple years and will keep potential NBA employers anxiously watching Euroleague Pass at 3 am far too often.

Shrewd move by Minnesota; a lot of people questioned their tactics on draft night, but they now have a promising, athletic (albeit undersized) guard and the league's most intriguing trading chip.

- The Pistons made the biggest free agent splash, tossing big dollars at Charlie V and Ben Gordon to replace the aging stars that are presumably leaving gaps at the 2 and 4. While it's debatable whether this was money well spent (staying under the cap for next summer anyone?), it's hard to argue with the addition of an explosive scorer and a versatile forward who can spread the floor. Something about these acquisitions (namely the abysmal thought of Gordon and Rodney Stuckey co-existing in a backcourt) and the nature of Joe Dumars makes me feel like some more moves might be made...

- Speaking of Dumars, his most illustrious draft selection is on the move again: the New York Knicks are the new proud owners of Darko Milicic, the papier-mache figurine that Detroit decided was more worthy of their draft pick than..well..the legnthy list doesn't need to repeated again, you all know. It's anyone's guess if Mike D'Antoni can summon a shred of the basketball ability Darko was once thought to have, but I'd have to assume a player who's shown all the offensive prowess of a confused giraffe won't be a good fit here either.

- And speaking of troubled big men, the Clippers ousted Wack Randolph; a move that rids of them of a complacent locker room deadweight and leaves an unmolested starting spot for that Griffin kid everyone's talking about. Had to be done. They had 4 potential starters at the 4 and 5, Randolph was the most obvious casualty.

- Not resting on their laurels, the champs went out and added Ron Ron the Rottweiler to replace Trevor Ariza, who assumes Artest's old post at the 3 in the Houston Rocket Crash (honestly..has a squad that took the eventual champs to game seven 2 months ago ever looked so bleak?). He'll be looked upon to fill the same role; be an aggressive wing defender and hit open 3's. While he's older and slower, Ron Ron's a tougher player, better scorer, passer and ballhandler; generally an upgrade. Artest can be the ultimate catalyst in LA, and most indications from last season point to him being a reformed psychopath, one who focuses his intensity on winning games instead of demolishing media equipment. If his ego can remain unphased by the LA aura and Kobe's omnipotence, then the Lakers will only be tougher to beat.

- ...And no offseason would be complete without a quizzical blunder from the Toronto Raptors, who recently saved the Blazers from overpaying for Hedo Turkoglu with an 11th-hour screwball that commits $50mil + to a 30-year old who barely averages Eastern All-Star numbers and waited a decade to prove himself as more than a seventh man. Real Cool. They now boast yet another soft player who can stretch defenses and score from a lot of places, but does nothing to address their glaring deficiencies. What's Hedo going to do for them that Bargs and Delfino aren't already? O yeah, shackle them financially when he's a washed up plug averaging 15/3 with an untradebale contract. Next season.

What's going down next? Will the Phoenix firesale finally consume Amare? Is Joey D done re-tooling the Piston engine? Are the Raptors going to become the next NBA name to relocate to Europe? Stay tuned folks...

Comin' For That #1 Spot

Well folks, the offseason's officially in full effect. As teams scramble like madmen to clear cap space for the impeding superstar exodus of 2010 and leap across the immense canyon separating the league's elite from its commoners, many high-profile names are checking distant propety listings. We've already seen four premiere players (...well...if you're inclined to give Jamal Crawford and Richard Jefferson that much credit) switch area codes, with no shortage of musings about moves yet to come. Certainly some of the moves made early in Thursday's draft would suggest that there's a blockbuster or two in the works, but regardless of what the rest of the NBA plans to do to catch up, its strongest contenders took decisive steps toward the title they crave .

The Spurs went out and grabbed a fourth wheel to balance their offensive attack; adding a physical slasher who can give you 20/game, while giving up a bottle of Pine Sol and some Burger King coupons, never hurt anyone. Jefferson definitely won't fill Bowen's shoes as a defender, but he's a major upgrade, giving the Spurs more size and athleticism, not to mention more than a Steve Kerr-equse offensive presence. As this team becomes less and less Timmy D's, they need talent around him to contend, and they just traded two washed-up big contracts and a big man they can easily replace via free agency. Even if I don't see Jefferson thriving like he did with J-Kidd in Jersey, it's hard not to like this move. Way to take perfect advantage of the Milwaukee Bucks' never-ending implosion. If their injury-prone Big 3 are hurt again next year, the blow won't be as severe; they're probably closer to the title than any team the fucking Mavs ever just put out in the first round.

Meanwhile, out East, the two titans learned the hard way that the Lakers are much better than they are (I still think the Cavs would've fared better, but I digress..), and bodied up; both lowballing rebuilding squads for All-Star calibre players at ten cents on the dollar. Orlando prepped for the Turkish Michael Jordan's departure (..man...that still cracks me up to this day. I still don't know what I find more offensive, the fact that he'd compare himself to His Airness, or how, upon brief contemplation, it's completely true) by adding some Vinsanity to the mix. I like it for many reasons; Vince is a better scorer, better ballhandler and rebounder, not necessarily a worse passer and gives them a second marquee name. I can only pray that Carter's learned a lesson about leadership and humility since his child's antics in T-Dot; all indications are positive but this will be his first time playing for a legit contender; it'll be interesting to see how it plays out.

The Cavs, however made the biggest splash (pun completely intended), luring The Big _______ to his first non-vacation-magnet NBA city and pairing the League's most most dynamic talent with its most imposing persona. Cleveland knows they very well might need to win a title this year to keep Lebron, and rolled the dice for all the marbles. I think this was the best trade, not because of my sworn allegiance to King James, but because the Cavs gave up the least and addressed their glaring weakness. They now have a post presence on both end of the floor; one who finishes much better than Anderson Varejao and won't be tossed to the curb like last week's garbage by Dwight Howard. Big Z won't have to play as much and Lebron will average another 2-3 assists per game by default. Not only does this make basketball sense, but blesses Cleveland with the presence of the most playoff-tested warrior left; one who's won four titles, taken three teams to the Finals, and can be the ultimate locker room catalyst. His co-existence with LBJ will be fascinating; Cleveland was already my favorite team to watch, but now I'm openly going to question the sanity of anyone who sees it differently...and let's not even get excited about the oh-so possible Kobe - Shaq/Lebron 2010 Finals...in fact nobody even mention it until next June, it can't be jinxed.