...And Now For Some Fake Awards...

Tooooonight, coming to you live from a dingy living room in Halifax, Nova Scotia, it's the Halftime Edition of the 2011 Basketball Banter Awards! We've got plenty of trophies to hand out, so let's get into it; grab your popcorn and enjoy the show.

The Justin Bieber Award - Lebron James, Miami Heat: Goes to the player who's been everywhere for the past year, and could honestly use some down time.

Ok, so I know he's the most amazing/most celebrated/most hated player in the NBA right now. That's cool. He delivers a lot of horses to the engine that powers the league's media image. That being said, the press's complete marination in the Heat, and specifically Lebron, has been sickening. Lebron's Twitter account is becoming like Facebook's MiniFeed; information that I don't need to know (or give a fuck about) being served to me unavoidably. This is clearly what Lebron wants; he's embracing his role as the villain because he loves the attention. Let's try not to indulge him so much.

Regards to: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh

The Simmons BeautyRest Award - Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia 76ers: Goes to the player who's having an awesome season and being totally slept on.

Lost in all the crowded MIP talk is Holiday, the second-year point who's showing maturity beyond his years in quarterbacking the Sixers' dysfunctional offense. I brag enough about the benefits of League Pass, but being able to see young emerging players on crappy teams that would never make national TV is among the best. Holiday fits the bill as a creative playmaker who can also fill the basket, as he is often charged with on the offensively-challenged 76ers. His play is unheralded largely because Philly's bordering on Most Irrelevant status; only copping TV time on the wrong end of highlight reels. Only hoop addicts, fantasy buffs and Sixers fans know how nice this guy is, but it shouldn't be long before he forces people to wake up.

Regards to: Wesley Matthews, Al Horford, Arron Afflalo

The Canibus Award - JJ Hickson, Cleveland Cavaliers: Goes to the player who was supposed to blow up this year, and instead has failed to make much of himself.

Hickson had it all this year: Loads of opportunity for playing time. A shitty team with absolutely no expectations. The momentum from an absolute romp in the Summer League. A new coach with a fresh attitude and a soft spot for Hickson's upside. So far we haven't heard much. Hickson's been inconsistent, listless and in and out of Lord Byron's doghouse, contributing to the Cavs' meltdown that has (very creepily) mirrored Miami's season almost game for game.
Regards to: Roy Hibbert, 90% of the Detroit Pistons roster, Darren Collison

The Bobby Boucher Trophy - Blake Griffin, LA Clippers: Goes to the player whose arrival on a new team has had the greatest positive impact.

The way Griffin's taken the NBA by storm this year is most easily likened to a tragic hurricane in terms of the devastation and calamity he's caused for those in his path. The Clippers have managed to sail clear of the storm though, playing their best basketball since the Elton Brand days and now the talk of the league, largely due to Griffin's ridiculous numbers and reckless abuse of opposing baskets. That the Clippers are knocking off good teams is icing on the cake; that the'ye being spoken of in a context other than 'walking joke' is a serious boost that appears to have rejuvenated their entire roster; hell even Baron's playing well now.
Regards to: Amar'e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Tyson Chandler (...and yes, I'm intentionally snubbing Lebron)

(Side note: Blake Griffin has also won the Shawn Kemp Memorial Award for the most exciting/demoralizing dunker, which in completely unrelated news, is being temporarily retired while under review to be re-named "The Blake Griffin Award")

The Tim Donaghy Award - OJ Mayo, Memphis Grizzlies: Goes to the player whose gambling has caused serious issues for himself/his team/the NBA.

Quite the season OJ's having. Already mired in a shooting slump that cost him his starting job, Mayo lost a dime-five to Tony Allen on a redeye card game, couldn't take the loss like a man, and started chirping him. Allen retaliated by whupping Mayo's ass (which became a nationally-blown-up scrum; a rare blemish in an otherwise-quiet season for a violence-enamored league) and punking even more of his minutes; leaving Mayo the latest poster child for superstar irresponsibility, and with his head resting on the trading block.
Regards to nobody; this one's all you man.

The Flavor Flav Award - Darko Milicic, Minnesota Timberwolves: Goes to the player who made a strong comeback from obscurity/adversity to gain relevance again.

To say that Darko's NBA career was going poorly would be like calling Corner Gas uneventful; a polite way of describing a far more profane and morbid reality. He had the misfortune of being born in such a year that his development as an NBA prospect would align perfectly with the "Dirk Factor", which bloated the draft stock of countless European centers over the past decade. This led to his erroneously high selection, and prompt burial on the bench of a deep title contender, under the tutelage of a coach who never much cared for young prospects. This planted firm seeds of frustration in Milicic; seeds that poisoned his career as he bounced from team to team, collecting bench splinters and struggling to fit in; never given room to blossom. His confidence was whittled away until last summer, when he seemed bent on retirement, and the only man stupid enough to give Darko $20 million willingly forked it over...Then a funny thing happened; he actually started playing well enough to take the whole league by notice: Now a legit starting center who's among the league leaders in swats and actually commands attention on offense. It's a long way from reversing his simply awful luck, but given how deep he'd buried himself, any signs of life from Darko should feel redeeming.

Regards to: Gilbert Arenas, Andrew Bogut, and a special D-League shout-out to Antoine Walker

Dunk of the Half - Blake Griffin on Danilo Gallinari
Blake had a very loud coming out party against the Knicks back in November. He dropped 44, including a vicious array of highlight slams, most maliciously targeting Galinari, who found himself hopelessly lost on Griffin Island as he tried to stop a one-man fast break. He just as quickly found himself spun off of by a much larger man in a fit of graceful agility that instantly morphed into destructive power in the form of an ego-shattering tomahawk...Right on poor Gallo's head...And thanks to the glory of the internet, he (nor any of us) will ever forget.



Regards to: JR Smith on Gary Neal, James Harden on JJ Hickson, Blake Griffin on basically anybody

Ham of the Half - Ron Artest, LA Lakers; Goes to the player who, through continued on and off-court incompetence, has insulted any/all expectations.

When the Lakers signed Ron Artest before last season, the impression was that he would fill Trevor Ariza's shoes as a defensive-minded swingman who could hit jumpers and exist within the triangle. While he managed to survive the first season well enough to help LA to a title, winning it is apparently the worst thing ever to happen to him. After auctioning off what should've been his most prized possession (regardless of his philanthropic motivations, the whole thing seemed like a publicity stunt), Artest has been mired in a haze of passive defense and bricked jumpers, appearing to be more aptly pissing off Kobe Bryant than anything else. A lot of reality checking needs to be done in Lakerland, starting with its usual suspect.

Regards to: Baron Davis (1 week won't save you), Samuel Dalembert, Evan Turner

The A-Team Award - Boston Celtics; Given to the team who, at this point, looks like the best in the NBA.

This was tough. Really fuckin' tough. Not only because I still somewhat despise the Celtics for indirectly destroying my favorite player as I knew him, or 'cause the Spurs have been very, very good; the best record in the NBA in its tougher conference. This was tough because nobody really looks like a favorite; Dallas lost Butler for good and looks lost without Dirk, LA's got a serious championship hangover, Miami's still got lots to prove and Orlando's still waiting on the jury. But looking at what Boston's done with what they've had, it's tough not to fear them. They've enjoyed their usual hot start, but it's been maintained longer through a (somewhat) tougher conference, nasty early schedule, and a barrage of injuries. Jermaine O'Neal's played like 5 minutes all year. Shaq's been hobbled. Garnett and Rondo have each missed 2 weeks, and Kendrick Perkins is still on the horizon. They still have the best record in the East. Make no mistake; this will be the hungriest team in the NBA come playoffs, and at full strength (which, if you're a skeptic, looks just as shaky for every contender out West) the way everyone else is playing, they might be its best. They have the size, experience and depth to match just about anybody, their defensive intensity is unreal and their cohesiveness is unmatched...and Rasheed's coming back? Good luck.

Regards to: San Antonio Spurs, Miami Heat (post-Cleveland), Dallas Mavericks (w/Dirk)

Here We Go Again...

I fucking hate winter.

This isn't some kind of casual "this moron's driving ten under the limit!" or "that emo couple over in the corner of the library needs to lay off the heavy petting" half-hearted discontent, but unrelenting despising. The miserable bite of the cold. The mounds of emission-stained snow. The nasal congestion that always ensues. Exams. Term papers. Christmas carolers.....Ugh. It's nature's version of The English Patient; long, confusing and depressing. Half of me doesn't blame Bosh and Lebron for signing with the Heat if only to escape the chilly abyss.

Of course, as with most things in life, there's an upside to this shitty turn of events; when the weather falls off, it's a sure sign that the NBA season's not far away. Sure enough, in just under 48 hours the 2010-11 season will tip off, giving fans plenty of reasons to get excited:

10. The End of Baseball

Seriously. What a waste of time. A pointlessly long 160-game season, consisting of 98% stationary "athletes" who treat HGH like it's a column in their box score. Any "sport" in which a man in David Wells' physical condition can be an elite performer should be broadcast exclusively on ESPN3. Not a single one of us should be sad to see it go...And even if you are, don't worry, it's not like "Spring Training" doesn't start in f***ing February or anything.

9. Miami Brings the Heat

Some of us will love them, a lot of us will hate them, but all of us are going to have our eyes glued on South Beach this season. Like it or not, the Superfriends are gonna be the talk of the NBA. They're gonna hog beat writers, tabloids and highlight reels like Ben Gordon with the rock in the 4th quarter, but their situation will be compelling regardless of how it plays out. There's not much to be said about them that hasn't been a million times by any basketball fan, so let's just enjoy the show.

8. Being David Kahn

I have a very tough time figuring out how this guy manages to keep a straight face when he appears in public. I think it must be incredibly difficult to try and rationalize (to a large audience) your extended praise of - and financial commitment to - Darko Milicic, your unconstructive point guard hoarding or explaining your apparent side gig as Michael Beasley's drug counsellor, without at least smirking. Even deeper, I'm astonished that a look of unmistakable "...dude...they actually still haven't fired me!" disbelief isn't constantly plastered on his mug. As confounding as this is for me, after the summer saw him take on more dead weight and trade his best player for a pair of New Balances, the biggest mystery is going to be figuring out just what exactly Kahn's trying to do with his franchise.

7. Redemption Songs

Comebacks are always an essential part of a good season; guys who overcome any of many hurdles to get their once-derailed careers back on track. There's no shortage of potential this year, beginning with the well-chronicled woes of one Yao Ming. The Rockets center will be on the shortest of leashes as he delicately tries not to shatter the glass slippers that support his 7'6'' frame for the 328th, and potentially final time. Speaking of short leashes, Gilbert Arenas is back, ironically now at shooting guard, hoping to make it through an NBA season for the first time in five years. Hedo Turkoglu finds himself in an ideal system for his game after a season of utter embarassment in Toronto, and Blake Griffin will finally get a chance to suit up and bring some hope to LA's other team. Andrew Bogut aims to shake off a horrific arm injury, while Michael Redd tries to salvage his career, both would be key to Milwaukee's sudden rebirth...And then there's Greg Oden. Portland's wayward big man has averaged a whopping 20 games over his first 3 seasons, while his one-time draft rival is the trendy MVP favorite. Any of these stories having a happy ending would be an inspring touch to the season, but Oden's has to be the longshot.

6. Thunderstruck

Seats on the Oklahoma City bandwagon have reportedly been breaking sales records at Ticketmaster; everyone from analysts to casual fans seem to be rooting for the ahead-of-their-time Thunder, who appear primed to seize control of a homecourt seed out West. Seriously. The team that was sweeping up the heavy dust in the West basement 18 months ago grew up some fast. With Durant and Westbrook fresh off the most constructive basketball experience of their lives, this team reeks of upside and has a loud cheering section. OKC has quickly evolved from transplanted mess to media sweetheart, and just might become one of the NBA's best teams.

5. More Ron Artest

With every NBA season comes the renewed promise of more quality time with Ron Ron, and the complete lack of limits on the zany shit he might do. After he's done auctioning off his championship ring, there's no telling how Artest will behave as he grows accustomed to life On Top. Maybe he'll compensate with a crown during pregame. Hell, maybe he'll build a palace with his bare hands in the Staples Center parking lot and throw Hennessy parties at halftime. That's the thing with Ron though, he's the biggest box of chocolates Forrest Gump's mom ever bought, there's no telling what we're in store for, but bet on it being completely hilarious.

4. The Return of Court Surfing

Canadian television is horribly neglectful of the NBA, whose season unfortunately syncs perfectly with that of the omnipotent NHL. While hockey dominates most of the sports stations, quality NBA broadcasts are hard to come by. Not only are the habitually awful Raptors playing in over half the games, but the on-air personalities are bland, annoying, obviously Canadian. Breaking the mold cast by Rod Black and Jack Armstrong is the off-center hilarity of Sid Sixseiro and Tim Micallef, who host this weekly basketball ChatRoulette, hopping over to a new game when the current one gets boring. Sid and Tim layer the action with irreverent banter and goofy jokes, topping things off with Court Cuts, the greatest 3 minutes of the week.

3. Like Kobe

I hate going there with the Jordan comparisons, but Kobe Bryant's probably as close as we've seen to His Airness, and with a hand's worth of rings and a dynasty in the making, Bryant is approaching that Rare Air of finally living up to these lofty parallels. But at this point, can't we stop measuring him against the Greatest and just appreciate him as one of the best? We're going to be witnessing history; a crucial chapter in the epic tale of a once-in-a-generation player who always appeared to be jumping at a bar above his own lofty heights. As Kobe builds his impressive legacy, let's not call him Like Mike; let him be Kobe. The least he can ask for at this point in a legendary career is a name for himself.

2. ...Ever Heard of a Lockout?

Let us also not forget that this might be the last full season we get for a while. The players and owners appear to be miles apart on a new CBA, and a lockout of at least a few months is apparently inevitable. So let us all take moment to appreciate what we have, let us not take it for granted. I know it sounds corny, but believe me, next winter when you're stuck watching hockey and curling, seeing more of David Stern than Kobe, Lebron and Durant combined, you'll remember.

1. Behold, League Pass

And on a personal note, the roommates and I decided to splurge on a sports package, which includes my golden ticket to uninhibited NBA coverage.A ny game I want, any time I want. I'm literally shaking as I type this just thinking about it, I'm more excited than I've been since my parents took me to Disney World. On premonition alone, I'd urge any NBA fan to invest, especially Canadians who can save themselves from another season of ballet basketball and Leo Rautins. Or just roll by the crib and see how great it is; I'll be here all winter.

Game Notes: Lakers @ Magic

Nine months ago, the Los Angeles Lakers wrote the latest chapter in a rather storied history, winning their 15th championship over the ambitious Orlando Magic. Since then, neither team has shown the kind of consistent play that makes one think they'll surely meet again for the title. As both try to hit their stride for the season's final stretch, their paths collide in south Florida, the second game in a Sunday quadruple-header (!)...Almost makes up for the curling. We pick things up midway through the first, Lakers are leading 12-10 (had to eat)

- Vince Carter. Big offseason shift from Hedo Turkoglu...Definitely a better player, just maybe not a better fit in Orlando. He needs to be far more aggressive than he's been on offense, and has shown more of it in the first 5 minutes of this game than the first 3 quarters against Cleveland the other week.

- Dwight puts the kind of swat on Ron Artest that will stick with him for the rest of the game. In related news, Artest finally crossed into the RodmanHair realm of insanity, rocking "defense" written in three different languages...in Laker yellow and purple. Some things just never change.

- With Bynum on the bench in foul trouble, the Magic are assaulting the Lakers inside; Pau's (unsurprisingly) not putting up much of a fight against Dwight...Luckily for LA, Kobe's shaking off a stomach virus and starting 5-7 on an array of jumpers and nice post moves. I don't hear Pau complaining right now.

- Another monster dunk for Dwight as he shakes off three Lakers trying to deny the entry pass. Gasol's completely helpless, but he's saved by the whistle as Dwight picks up his 2nd foul at the other end.

- Carter keeps attacking, drawing contact on a strong drive for - get this - his fifth trip to the line. No, I haven't misplaced this, it's really still the first quarter.

- ABC's mercilessly plugging the Oscars in anticipation of their broadcast tonight. Really hope they cut this out; I care about Mike Breen's opinion of Avatar less than Gene Shalit's 6th Man favorites.

- VC for three! Haven't seen this Vince since '02; he's got 15 in the first.

- Pietrus smothers Kobe's quarter-ending attempt; Orlando up 31-24 after one.

- The Polish Hammer falls hard on Lamar Odom; LA's just being abused in the paint.

- Mickael Pietrus might be to a season what Robert Horry is to a game. Their x-factor in last year's playoffs; he was nowhere to be found earlier in the year, has recently come out of his shell and opens this game with a few nice jumpers and some impressive D on Kobe.

- Howard checks in.

- Howard picks up a third foul.

- Howard checks out.

- ...Good thing Gortat's havin' a time against an LA D that's confirming every theory about them being soft inside.

- Jameer Nelson and Derek Fisher are being soft outside on the other hand, netting a pair of silky jumpers from long range...Ron Ron tries to join the party and tosses up two horrendous 3's on the same possession. 48-44 Orlando.

- Vince nets a runner in traffic after leaving Artest in his dust. His first bucket of the second quarter with 1:50, but he's above his season average and is perfect from the field and charity stripe.

- Gasol makes up for being a daisy down low, running the floor like a gazelle, trailing a Fisher/Bryant break for a nice transition dunk.

- As the half winds down, a confused clusterfuck leads to a commonplace bricked 3 from Artest. 52-48 Orlando at the half; Dwight's played 11 minutes. All is not at peace in the Zen Garden.

- The Oscar assault continues at halftime with "Dwight Howard's Best Picture"...the un-nominated Law Abiding Citizen. Still a badass movie tho; Gerard Butler verges on Liam Neeson-in-Taken-I'm-the-Coldest-Mother-F***er-Alive status.

- "Can that MyTouch bring me some more lemonade?" - Charles Barkley

- Good interview between Magic and Kevin Durant; I'm really stoked for next month when he'll be starring in the main event instead of the halftime show...and the Thunder's increased TV presence next year.

- Back to the game; Carter wets a wide-open three after a Kobe miss. Bryant and Matt Barnes exchange words under the hoop and get hit with double T's. Bryant, clearly with a score to settle, stares Barnes down the whole way upcourt and fires a blank from the baseline as soon as he touches the ball.

- After 3 straight misses, Bryant mixes it up, feeding Bynum on a cut through the lane for an easy dunk. Kinda wish Kobe would do this more often; he's an All-Star just waiting to happen.

- Down at the other end, Barnes claps back with a putback slam in Kobe's mug, where he hangs, jumps up screaming in Bryant's face, and somehow Dwight Howard picks up a T for subtly muttering something at the ref...2 minutes later and Barnes is still trying to fuck with Kobe, faking a pass off Bryant's face on an inbound. Bryant doesn't flinch. Barnes is putting in an impressive effort...to be benched/ejected.

- Artest continues his crappy shooting, muscling by Vince only to shank an open layup. LA still trails; 61-57. Riveting sideline interview with "Boogie", the barber responsible for the abomination on Ron Ron's head; apparently the script on his skull is Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi...Might help to explain the confusion with which Artest has been playing today.

- The $126 Million Dollar Man hits a baseline three to send the crowd into a frenzy and put the Magic up eight. Ya, Rashard Lewis, streaky shooter, questionable defender, top-10 NBA salary. They regularly hand out such contracts and wonder why they're losing $400 million this year...

- Kobe's disappeared from this game; three points since the first quarter. Lakers trail by ten with 2:30 in the third. And Whit Eboy nails an icy three, the hits keep coming.

-Bryant finally makes a nice dish to Jordan Farmar on the wing in transition...for an airballed trey. Kobe then clears out a defender in the post, draws coverage, and kicks to a lane-slicing Lamar Odom...for a dunk he takes off early for and shanks before falling awkwardly. Perhaps this ball-hogging thing isn't such a bad idea.

- Rashard for three! And one! Maybe he is worth all that money! Brick at the line. Ok maybe not.

- Third quarter comes to a close; if LA can't wake up and outscore Orlando by ten on the road over the next twelve minutes, they'll have their first three game losing streak in two years.

- Always nice having Jeff commentate a game that Stan's coaching..."Normally he's the worst third-quarter interview in the history of NBA coaching". What the f***.

- Kobe finally hits his first field goal since the first quarter; ironically a well-contested 20-foot baseline jumper to beat the shot clock. On the next play he works Pietrus in the post for a turnaround and suddenly it's a six point game...Enter Dwight.

- Odom wets a baseline jumper over Lewis. Down to four, might have a game here folks.

- ...Should've known this was coming; live from Orlando, it's the Van Gundys! Lebron wins Best Actor for the fifth time today. I need a Kit Kat.

- Shannon Brown nails, you guessed it, a baseline jumper. Down to two. Stan's visibly unnerved.

- Howard stops the bleeding; feeding Nelson for a layup out of a smothering double-team. Not to be outdone, Kobe draws his won double and dishes to Gasol for a dunk.

- Gasol's quickly deflated as he gets tangled with Howard on the offensive glass, stops to glare about the no call, then rushes back downcourt in time to pick up a flagrant while hopelessly trying stop a Dwight cram. LA trails 81-74.

- A peculiar call (offensive goal tending) on a perfect lob to Pietrus off an inbound. Didn't know you could goaltend an alley-oop, neither did any of the commentators.

- The Mamba's starting to wake up; Kobe buries a trey in Barnes' grill, then drives at Howard to draw his fifth foul.

- Milk carton: Vince Carter

- Howard turns a Nelson airball into two points off a tip. Kobe takes advantage of Howard's foul situation, hitting a smooth jumper over him off the switch.

- After a Vince sighting for a slashing layup; Fisher wets a three to pull LA within one...or make that two, guess his foot was on the line. Meanwhile, Vince is trying to end things as they started, driving into three Lakers for another trip to the line. Magic up 87-83 with 2:45 left.

- Kobe to the rack again. Unguardable. After a Dwight and-one, he accidentally tips a Kobe miss into his own net while battling with Gasol.

- A lost shuffle on defense leaves...Matt Barnes (!) wide open for three...icyyyy. Potential dagger? Magic up six with 1:10 left.

- Bryant abuses Barnes and draws what should be Dwight Howard's sixth foul coming over on help. Gasol cleans up the miss to keep LA alive.

- Barnes sets a no-called dirty screen on Fisher, who retaliates by chasing him down and shoving him, resulting in...a double foul? The strange officiating continues. When I wrote about the NBA needing to clean up the Donaghy mess better, this was exactly what I was talking about.

- After Howard takes care of business at the free throw line, Bryant wets a nasty three over two defenders to bring LA within two with 26 left. Lakers foul, Nelson splits...it all comes down to...A Kobe three! For the tie!....No hold up again, it's only a deuce.

- Vince gets sent to the line with 9.7 left...where he misses his first free throw of the game, leaving the door open.

- LA curiously declines to use their final timeout, Barnes defends Kobe's inevitable shot well and the Lakers are now proud owners of a three-game losing streak.

Behind the Headlines

- The 76ers, down a trigger-happy point guard and in desperate need of a proverbial shot in the arm, have signed maybe the most prolific trigger-happy point guard ever; franchise icon Allen Iverson. The move ends maybe the shortest retirement in pro sports history and gives Iverson another, perhaps final, chance to right the sinking ship his legacy's riding. While he's still capable of top-notch scoring, I can only pray that AI buckles down and plays within the team; accepting that he won't be the man all the time and keep his mouth shut about it. Sure, the 76ers are going nowhere fast, but if the Answer can prove his value in a more balanced role, he could be an attractive free agent for a contender next summer and deal with the Question that's plagued him his whole career: his ringless fingers. The Philly fans are the clear winners here; their one-time savior returns to maybe once again rescue them from mediocrity, but Iverson could come out of this on top regardless of how well the Sixers do this year...or it could drive the nail in his career's coffin. The stakes are high but regardless, it's good to have him back.

- In unrelated (also unsurprising) news, Ron Artest, he of the Late-Night nudity, recently admitted to a Sporting News reporter that he used to keep Henny stashed in his locker when he played for the Bulls, and get his sip on at halftime. Apparently he had some difficulty kicking old habits, as Ron explains: "When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild...A lot of marijuana and alcohol -- even before [that age]. ... I [still] party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night." While this helps to explain some of the on-court antics we've seen from Mr. Artest over the years, it creates plenty of questions for his employer, and further skews the already distorted lens through which everyone observes him. I really don't know what to say about the guy at this point, other than it's clear he's not going to change. He's a grown man with a tormented yet goofy spirit who's been doing crazy shit in the NBA for damn near a decade. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the damage he's doing to his own image, but at least he's learned to stop doing damage to the team (...and Knicks TV equipment...and Detroit Pistons fans).

- Speaking of forwards whose lives have become running punchlines, Antoine Walker was in the news again this week. Last time we heard from the Round Mound of Ill-Advised 3's, he had tilted off nearly a million bucks at various Las Vegas casinos and bounced on the tab. Apparently 'Toine's patterned his business ventures after his gambling habits: several buildings owned by his Chicago-based realty company (which was already facing 12 incompetence-based lawsuits) have been cited by the city as a 'slum nuissance'. Respect the grind.

- Amare Stoudemire and Tyson Chandler's fans just had to know what was going down during their games last weekend, and their wallets are a little lighter thanks to new NBA rules that prohibit Tweeting during games. I don't know what's more ridiculous; that players can't focus enough on a game to leave their pretentious Twitter accounts alone for a few hours, or that League actually feels the need to regulate this kind of activity.

- And special shout-outs to the reeling Nets, whom the Lakers recently sent to a historical low: their failure to cop a W in any of their first 17 games is the worst start in NBA history. With Sacramento playing well, New Jersey is officially set to take over "Most Irrelevant Team" status once Devin Harris wins them a few games and people stop talking about them. All thirteen of you Nets fans out there, our prayers are with you.

Makin' Moves: The Offseason's in Full Swing

Now that the shockwaves sent through the NBA by the summer's early blockbusters have settled, we're settling into a more familiar offseason routine; ludicrous lowballing, obnoxious over-paying, shitty trades and contract re-neging: it's all become disturbingly familiar. Here's a quick recap of what we've seen so far:

- Surprising nobody, the Ricky Rubio tug-o-war ended with the Spanish prodigy returning to Europe to fulfill his current contract and mature as a player. A lot of people get caught up in the hype and forget that, despite the poise he showed in the Olympics last summer, he's still 18 and has a lot of improving to do. He'll be much more ready to contribute in a couple years and will keep potential NBA employers anxiously watching Euroleague Pass at 3 am far too often.

Shrewd move by Minnesota; a lot of people questioned their tactics on draft night, but they now have a promising, athletic (albeit undersized) guard and the league's most intriguing trading chip.

- The Pistons made the biggest free agent splash, tossing big dollars at Charlie V and Ben Gordon to replace the aging stars that are presumably leaving gaps at the 2 and 4. While it's debatable whether this was money well spent (staying under the cap for next summer anyone?), it's hard to argue with the addition of an explosive scorer and a versatile forward who can spread the floor. Something about these acquisitions (namely the abysmal thought of Gordon and Rodney Stuckey co-existing in a backcourt) and the nature of Joe Dumars makes me feel like some more moves might be made...

- Speaking of Dumars, his most illustrious draft selection is on the move again: the New York Knicks are the new proud owners of Darko Milicic, the papier-mache figurine that Detroit decided was more worthy of their draft pick than..well..the legnthy list doesn't need to repeated again, you all know. It's anyone's guess if Mike D'Antoni can summon a shred of the basketball ability Darko was once thought to have, but I'd have to assume a player who's shown all the offensive prowess of a confused giraffe won't be a good fit here either.

- And speaking of troubled big men, the Clippers ousted Wack Randolph; a move that rids of them of a complacent locker room deadweight and leaves an unmolested starting spot for that Griffin kid everyone's talking about. Had to be done. They had 4 potential starters at the 4 and 5, Randolph was the most obvious casualty.

- Not resting on their laurels, the champs went out and added Ron Ron the Rottweiler to replace Trevor Ariza, who assumes Artest's old post at the 3 in the Houston Rocket Crash (honestly..has a squad that took the eventual champs to game seven 2 months ago ever looked so bleak?). He'll be looked upon to fill the same role; be an aggressive wing defender and hit open 3's. While he's older and slower, Ron Ron's a tougher player, better scorer, passer and ballhandler; generally an upgrade. Artest can be the ultimate catalyst in LA, and most indications from last season point to him being a reformed psychopath, one who focuses his intensity on winning games instead of demolishing media equipment. If his ego can remain unphased by the LA aura and Kobe's omnipotence, then the Lakers will only be tougher to beat.

- ...And no offseason would be complete without a quizzical blunder from the Toronto Raptors, who recently saved the Blazers from overpaying for Hedo Turkoglu with an 11th-hour screwball that commits $50mil + to a 30-year old who barely averages Eastern All-Star numbers and waited a decade to prove himself as more than a seventh man. Real Cool. They now boast yet another soft player who can stretch defenses and score from a lot of places, but does nothing to address their glaring deficiencies. What's Hedo going to do for them that Bargs and Delfino aren't already? O yeah, shackle them financially when he's a washed up plug averaging 15/3 with an untradebale contract. Next season.

What's going down next? Will the Phoenix firesale finally consume Amare? Is Joey D done re-tooling the Piston engine? Are the Raptors going to become the next NBA name to relocate to Europe? Stay tuned folks...