The NBA's Second Season

The NBA offseason has recently become a hype factory of drama and intrigue, subtweets and WojBombs. An entertainment spectacle unlike few in pro sports, it's almost become a whole new season in itself.

But the 2017 offseason has taken things to new heights of upheaval and chaos. Superstars are being given away, quality players are jumping ship left, right and center, and the NBA's power balance has again been consolidated, while salaries skyrocket to yet new heights. You can almost picture Dr Evil announcing the contracts some of these guys are signing for.

So much stuff is happening, it can be hard to gather everything in the proper context. With that in mind, here's a recap of what we've seen so far, attempting to make sense of it all:

RIP Lob City
What It Means: There won't be enough ball to go around in Houston next year. 

So apparently Doc Rivers pissed off Chris Paul, which is totally logical given both that Rivers is a bad GM with a stubborn attachment to his former players/son, and also that just about everyone pisses off Chris Paul.

Of the three superstar trades this summer, the Paul haul has to be considered the best (more on that to come), netting the Clippers an assortment of established vets, decent prospects, and even a first-round pick.

Meanwhile Mike D'Antoni gets to find touches for two of the NBA's most ball-dominant players with Paul joining James Harden. If Carmelo somehow joins the mix, CP3 might be the best thing possible for his game - both in terms of on-court synergy and Banana Boat Points - but the alpha struggle will no doubt present itself.

Blake Griffin Chills
What It Means: There will be no rebuild for the Clippers.


There's a lot of this stressed importance on star players to win, as though competing for a championship should be their only motivation in life.

Some of us (them) are happier just lamping in a star-filled oasis of beautiful weather and people, where the living's easy, your team has a historical commitment to mediocrity, and the pay is very very good.

Losing Paul sucks, but there's a decent rotation around Griffin, who's definitely capable of handling more of a playmaking role. The Clippers will no doubt take a step back, but they could surprise those who expect them to fall from the West's middle tier.

Property on Waiters Island Now Much More Expensive
What It Means: Last year's free agency loser made the most of his contract year re-run.

Brooklyn Makes Otto Porter a Max Man
What It Means: The Nets are about to hardball a second team into completely cap-fucking themselves.

Chauncey Billups Turns Down Cavs' GM Offer
What It Means: Nobody wants to work for Dan Gilbert once LeBron leaves. 

Chicago Gets Robbed at Gunpoint for Jimmy Butler
What It Means: Tom Thibodeau literally put an automatic weapon to Gar Forman's head, gave him terms on a deal for his best player, forced him to accept, and walked away laughing. 

Joe Dumars. Elgin Baylor. Bryan Colangelo x 2. The Bulls' Gar Forman is just the latest in a line of recent Executive of the Year winners who've either been exposed as poor GMs that caught lightning in a bottle, or completely lost their minds years later.

The Butler trade needs to first be prefaced by the Cameron Payne deal, in which the Bulls gave up several valuable assets for an unproven PG who was sent to the D-League within five weeks. This time trading a guy who, by any measure whatsoever is one of the 12-15 best players in the NBA, they received a similarly hopeless return.

Giving up on Payne, they've acquired yet another unproven PG in Kris Dunn, one whose shooting - the Bulls' main need - was horrendous last year. They took on Zach LaVine, a guy with a torn ACL whose ceiling and value are tied very heavily to athletic ability. They also acquired a top-ten pick in a loaded draft, but were foolish enough to give back their own first-rounder in a trade that was already felonious theft.

Who knows what delusion careened through Forman's head when he made this deal. Either way, Danny Ainge was probably on a rough sleep schedule after seeing what Butler went for. Or at least until...

Robyn Hayward's Instagram was Right
What It Means:Gordon REALLY wanted to finish his Player's Tribune article. 

The Jazz - also down George Hill - look like they're headed back to the lottery. And even though he missed out on both Butler and Paul George, Ainge has added an All-Star each of the past two summers without giving up a single asset. Maybe the best-trading GM in the NBA does know what he's doing here...

Minnesota Looks LEGIT
What It Means: The leap they were supposed to make last year is definitely happening this year.  

Backtracking slightly to the Butler trade: If not for the Bulls' mind-numbing stupidity, I'd be happy about it, as a great player no longer has to waste away his prime on a sad-ass team.

Adding Butler to the Towns-Wiggins-Dieng core is massive in itself for Minny, who then bolstered their bench with Taj Gibson at good value, and snared Jeff Teague for startlingly little (almost makes you wonder...). Spacing could be an issue for them, but even if so, they have assets to spare in a trade for a shooter.

The West figures a bloodbath, but with continued development from Towns, the Butler heist taking both offensive and (more importantly) defensive onus off Wiggins, the addition by subtraction of their worst shooter (Ricky Rubio) and defender (LaVine), and now two quality vets to round out their rotation, the Wolves look like mortal locks for a mid-tier playoff spot, and perhaps more.

Nick Young Signs With the Warriors
What It Means: Apparently they didn't have enough swag already.

Amir Johnson & JJ Redick Sign One-Year Deals with Sixers
What It Means: #TheProcess still has to hit the salary floor somehow.

Dwight Howard Loses Again
What It Means: His legacy might be in stone at this point.

The Nuggets Are Still 'Team Purgatory'
What It Means: Denver really doesn't want a lottery pick. 

Ever since the Denver Nuggets traded Carmelo Anthony - almost seven years ago - the franchise has been on a rudderless quest for mediocrity, unable to compete at the highest level, and unwilling to blow it up and build for the future like so many around them had done.

Acquiring Paul Millsap is yet another step in no real direction for the Nuggets; P-Milly doesn't move the needle enough for them to be anything more than a bottom-rung playoff team. Moreover, it restricts their financial flexibility as they build around Nikola Jokic, while lowering their odds at a good draft pick. All this for a player on the back end of his prime who doesn't fit Denver's developmental timeline at all. Makes you wonder what exactly the Nuggets' endgame is.

OKC Plays Cat Burglar
What It Means: They didn't replace Kevin Durant, but they came damn close (for a season).


A few weeks ago, Paul George made the Pacers acutely aware of his intentions to play elsewhere - as if they hadn't been clear for months - thus setting in motion a series of whirlwind events.

Within a 48-hour period, there were "credibly sourced" rumors tying PG to the Celtics, Cavaliers, Rockets, and obviously the Lakers, none of which seemed very far-fetched given narratives and Indiana's utter lack of leverage. But at the 11th hour: 45th minute, in swooped the Thunder - as out-of-nowhere as a Giannis chase-down block. They basically landed George for the assets gained from dealing Serge Ibaka; assets which have only diminished in value.

This is confusing for several reasons: not only was an elite player again dealt for a paltry offer - circumstances notwithstanding - but there's only a drunk puncher's chance that George will re-sign with OKC. This has the making of an expensive rental, likely full of false hope for a fanbase that just lost Kevin Durant and watched him win Finals MVP 11 months later.

If PG does decide to stick around for some completely untapped reason, then Sam Presti will have actually stolen a superstar from someone else, as difficult a concept as that may be to grasp.

Jrue The Damaja
What It Means: Dell Demps is a gambling man.

Whatever "my body is made of glass" discount Steph Curry took on his last contract certainly does not apply in New Orleans where Jrue Holiday - who for argument's sake has averaged 57 games over the past half-decade - just inked for $25mil/year over the next half-decade.

The 12 games Holiday spent with his wife as she battled a frightening brain tumor last year only slightly skews his spotty health record. This has to call into question the New Orleans training staff, given that he averaged 74.5 games through four seasons in Philly, and the Pelicans' entire roster seems to be perpetually injured.

The Point Guard Market Dries Up on Kyle Lowry
What It Means: Making the last three All-Star teams ain't what it used to be.

In contrast to Holiday's lavish deal, Lowry came off a career year and found a chilling lack of love.

Despite logical rumors pointing to Minnesota or San Antonio, Lowry humbly re-upped with the team he reportedly had "zero interest" in, while only getting three years of guaranteed money.

It comes as a disappointment for a player on the back nine of his career, who took a discount last contract due to late-bloomer and conditioning issues, and now despite becoming an elite PG, finds himself doing it again. This time Lowry is purely a victim of the point guard market; an inundation of talent that already diluted the position's market value was only heightened when half of the 2017 Draft's top ten picks were PGs. Simply put, fewer teams need one than ever.

Conversely the deal is pretty much exactly what the Raptors wanted, neither losing Lowry for nothing, nor paying him the max when he's 36 and most likely in decline. His contract is also infinitely more tradeable should Masai Ujiri decide to hit the Rebuild Button on this core group.

Diamond Stone Traded to Hawks
What It Means: 'Diamond Stone' is probably the new most awesome name in the NBA.

Zach Randolph Signs With Kings
What It Means: A big piece of Grint N Grind has died, along with a bit of my soul. 

The Raptors' Frontcourt Splinters
What It Means: That DeMarre Carroll signing really starting to rear its ugly head. 

Kevin Durant Takes One For the Team
What It Means: The rest of the NBA is fucked.

So Steph Curry supermaxed. Considering the Warriors just had him on one of the best-value contracts in NBA history for three years, he was due.

Durant thus bit the bullet, leaving almost $10mil on the table - a 28% pay cut - so the Warriors had the flexibility to retain Andre Iguodala and Shawn Livingston, two key cogs in their title runs. For all the shade he was thrown last summer after what seemed like a cop-out, there's no questioning his willingness to keep this team together and truly carve a place in history for them and himself.

The Phil Is Gone
What It Means: James Dolan has finally done something sane in his capacity as Knicks owner 

Although it was increasingly clear that Phil Jackson's descent into arrogant senility necessitated his firing as Knicks' president, there are few individuals alive who could be trusted to do the right thing less than Jimmy Dolan.

Although the Straight Shot's lead singer saw fit to make a sound basketball decision for likely the first time in two decades, there are rumblings about that his old habits may not have died hard quite yet. "Better Find A Church" indeed.

The Rich Get Richer
What It Means: Competitive parity has both improved and faltered.

There's two ways to look at this depending on your perspective: The first is that the seemingly massive chasm between the NBA's haves and have-nots has grown even wider, with middling teams like Utah, Atlanta, Chicago and Indiana all losing star players to stronger teams (for little-to-nothing) and being sent back to the drawing board. The Rockets also solidified their talent at the expense of their contemporaries, the Clippers. There's no question that elite talent has been consolidated in a huge way for such a short time period, and the rebuilds will be happening everywhere.


The flipside to this is that we might see a greater modicum of competition atop the conferences, especially in the East where the Celtics - armed with Hayward and whatever assets they reap from their logjam of swingmen - could give the Cavs a run for their money if things break right.

Dealing with Golden State in the West is no doubt more of a daunting task, but the Rockets are mounting an effort, the Wolves will quickly ascend, and perhaps even the Thunder can build around two superstars. For all the rhetoric spewed last year about franchises biding their time and waiting out the Warriors or Cavs, things seem to be trending the opposite way.

Whether this amounts to anything in the way of derailing Cavs-Warriors IV remains unclear, but even if the outlook is grim, you can't blame opposing GMs for a lack of effort thus far this offseason. This is probably the most "Shit or Get Off the Pot" season the NBA's ever had; the shakeup is far from over.

More Than A Game

Game 7 between the Spurs and the Clippers last night was so many things:

It was an injustice. I joked about it on Facebook but an event of this magnitude - a Game 7 between arguably 2 of the NBA's 3 best teams - deserved it own spotlight. The fact that it took place merely as an opening act to the most anticipated boxing match ever downplayed its significance.

(it was also just generally unfair that these two teams had to face each other in the first round but I digress)

It was brutally competitive. A back-and-forth exchange of haymakers between two giants who refused to go down. To hell with Mayweather/Pacquiao, this was a fight.

It was an arrival. This might have been the biggest win in Clippers' franchise history, which isn't saying much seeing as it's the first round and all. There's an ongoing narrative about how Chris Paul's never been to the Conference Finals, but little to no discussion of how the Clippers franchise hasn't either. Not in their days in L.A., San Diego, or as the Buffalo Braves. Not once. Bagging the defending champs was a breakthrough for this team.

It was whatever the exact opposite of an anticlimax is. Last year's first round was an incredible onslaught of awesome, filled with overtimes, Game 7s, and stuff like this.This year's was a bland abyss of short series and blowouts, ironically punctuated by an unforgettable battle.


It was a fitting conclusion to this series. These teams traded leads and advantages like they were
Pokemon Cards, going back and forth with pendulum-like consistency. Game 7 epitomized that.

It was a shock. The Spurs looked so fucking good after the All-Star break. As they do every year, they timed their peak perfectly and forced everyone to remember "OK, this is the Spurs, of course they're still for real". And just like that, they're gone.

It was an absolutely heroic display by Chris Paul. Playing through obvious pain for most of the game, he dominated on one leg and turned in a signature career performance, along with an iconic game-winner.

It was a valiant effort in defeat by Tim Duncan. Playing on one leg for the entire series, Duncan was surgical down the stretch of Game 7, partying like it was 1999. At 39 years old, he's barely lost a step. It may well have been his last NBA game, but let's all hope not.

It was a confounding display from Kawhi Leonard, who went 5-13 on the heels of 3-15 from the floor in Game 6. With Tony Parker not himself, it was that much more crucial for Kawhi to be a force offensively, and after starting the series on fire, he burned out down the stretch.

It was an emotional paint-shaker for any fan of these teams or the game of basketball. There were plenty of these moments:

But even more of these:

And for once Steve Ballmer wasn't alone in his excitement hyperbole. Because Clippers-Spurs Game 7 was one of the best basketball games ever played.

Banter's 2014 All-Star Ballot

Every NBA season, I leave my All-Star voting as late as possible, not because I'm a huge procrastinator (guilty), but to make the most developed and informed selections. As flawed as this democratic process may be, I'll be damned if my vote's going to waste.

So with voting closing in a couple days, who deserves to go to the show? Which players have been the most dominant and influential on this season so far? In the case of most of the Eastern Conference, who has simply sucked the least? Let's start with something my vote actually counts for; the Starters:

Leastern Conference

G. John Wall, Washington Wizards
The East's guard scene is dangerously anemic this year; not only are perennial All-Stars Rajon Rondo and Derrick Rose goners, but Dwyane Wade's sat a quarter of this season, and it's showing both in the Heat's record, and LeBron James showing signs of fatigue for the first time in his life. Deron Williams' injuries have been the key contributor to Brooklyn's train-wreck season, and even heir apparent Kyrie Irving's stuck in reverse with Cleveland being all kinds of awful under Mike Brown.

So ring up a vote for Wall, by default the best guard in the East so far this season. He's averaging career highs in points, assists and steals, and while his overall shooting % is down slightly due to his sudden love of 3-pointers (3.8/game up from 0.9), he's at least managed to crack 32% from beyond the arc. While Wall might be one of the NBA's more egregious jump-shooters, he's a lightning-quick athletic beast who scores well near the hoop and becoming one of the NBA's better playmakers. This year, that makes him the most suitable candidate to suit up among East guards.

G. Kyrie Irving, Cleveland Cavaliers
I tried to give this spot to both Demar DeRozan and Lance Stephenson; the Cavs have been mostly putrid (only compounded by their League Pass announcers) and Kyrie continues to be one of the worst starting PGs in the NBA on the defensive end. Still, he's rebounded from a slow start under the constraints of Mike Brown, while no other guards in the East have truly stepped up to take what was his spot to lose.

Giving this spot to someone else would be as much punishing Irving for his franchise's ridiculous decisions this offseason (hiring Brown again, drafting Anthony Bennett, signing Andrew Bynum - although they could've done much worse than flipping him into a Luol Deng freeroll) as anything, and against this weak a field, it seems like too much.

F. Paul George, Indiana Pacers 
His numbers have tapered off slightly from a torrid start that had him in the thick of the MVP discussion, but George has firmly delivered on the promise he signaled last spring as an elite swingman. Both Indiana's go-to scorer and top perimeter defender, he's the man on the East's best team, making his presence here a given.

F. Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks
It's no secret the Knicks have been God-awful this year, but if there's one person who can't really take any of the blame, it's Melo. Stat-wise, his season has been more or less on par with last year (a couple fewer points, a couple more rebounds, and basically identical %s), when he was garnering MVP buzz. Meanwhile, the team around him has basically imploded; from Tyson Chandler's leg injuries, to JR Smith's head injury, to the roster injury the Knicks suffered by acquiring Andrea Bargnani. It's mostly gone to shit, but few things haven't in the East this season .


F. LeBron James, Miami Heat
He's better at the game of basketball than anyone on Earth right now. Let's save some time and move along...

Bestern Conference

G. Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers
Even if CP3 won't be able to lace up for this year's game, it would be a theft not to acknowledge yet another brilliant season. Before his shoulder injury, Paul was his typical self; the most complete point guard on both sides of the ball, and the only NBA player averaging double-digit assists on the year.

G. Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors
One of the toughest decisions this year (other than picking at the leftovers of the East Guard Buffet Platter) was Steph Curry vs James Harden for the 2nd guard spot. Both the lead triggermen in high-octane offenses. Both are capable of suspect defense. Their teams have nearly identical records. And both are doing impressive numbers that leave little room to differ; in fact their PER is within .14 of each other.

The edge goes to Curry for his superiority as a scorer/playmaker, accounting for a higher clip from scoring+assists while turning the ball over at a lower rate. Curry also rebounds nearly as much as Harden from the PG spot, so yeah, I'm starting four point guards in the All-Star Game. Deal with it.

F. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder There's one guy in each Conference who doesn't need an explanation. This is the West's.

F. Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves
The Wolves have been kind of a bummer this year, but kinda like Kyrie in Cleveland, it's hard to fault Love much. Beyond Kyrie, Love is having a monster 25/13/4 season as the 3rd-most efficient player in the NBA behind LeBron and Durant. And this is the All-Star Game.

F. LeMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trailblazers 
Having a career year for the West's surprise contender, Aldridge has emerged as perhaps the A's best midrange scorer, anchoring a Blazers offense that's, well, (sorry) blazing. Always one of the League's quieter stars, he's announced himself on the highest level very loudly.

(Write In: Miles Plumlee, Phoenix Suns)

As for the reserves, I don't happen to be coaching an NBA team at the moment, so my vote doesn't really mean much, but if I had a ballot, here's what it would look like:

Leastern Conference

G. Demar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors
Well, this happened. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm voting a Toronto Raptor into the All-Star Game. DeRozan's been a consistent spark for the Raptors, not only becoming a legitimate first scorer in Rudy Gay's absence, but dialing up his defensive focus as T-Dot has begun taking the Atlantic by storm. Double D's been the go-to guy on - gulp - the East's third-best team so far, good enough for a Least nod.

G. Lance Stephenson, Indiana Pacers
Sudden triple-double machine Sir-Lance-Alot is racking up impressive numbers, confined within one of the NBA's slowest-paced teams, playing with the kind of swagger reminiscent of another Coney Island veteran. Lance has made 'em dance all season, and his emergence is one of several reasons why the Pacers are safely atop the East for now.

F. Chris Bosh, Miami Heat
Bosh, if nothing else, is staying balanced as an NBA entity. As he continues his seemingly eternal evolution as an awkward internet meme, and is on the butt end of endless jokes, his play leaves less and less room for criticism. His embracing of (and improvement in) the center position has allowed Miami to do what they do, so don't let the falling numbers fool you into thinking he can be excluded.

F. Paul Millsap, Atlanta Hawks
Millsap's developed a reputation as one of the NBA's most sneakily-skilled power forwards; an ace second-fiddle behind guys named "Al" in post tandems. Horford's pectoral injury has not only put P-Milly on an island as the lone interior scorer for the Hawks, but left a vacant spot on this roster for him to assume.

Like many names you're seeing here, the "All-Star" prefix may seem excessive, but understand what we're working with here.

F. Roy Hibbert, Indiana Pacers
It's fairly evident what Hibbert is at this point: a 12/8 guy who plays at a slightly higher level in the Playoffs, especially (and understandably) vs Miami. More valuable to Indiana, Hibbert is the new Dwight Howard; that interior force who disrupts everything around the hoop and forces many teams to alter their attack plan. It's because of him that "Verticality" is the second-trendiest NBA term behind "Corner Three" right now, and Indy's ruled the East enough to deserve an All-Star triad.

W.C. Luol Deng, Chicago Bulls Cleveland Cavaliers
I can't punish Luol for Derrick Rose's injury and recently being traded to a team that by no other measure deserves a second All-Star. Not in such a weak Conference. Deng's ability to deliver top-level play on both sides of the ball, with unwavering consistency, makes him one of the League's most undervalued players. It's a shame the Bulls didn't get more for him.

W.C. Andre Drummond, Detroit Pistons
Some may see this as mildly premature, but again, this is this season's Eastern Conference, and the pickin's for healthy and worthy All-Stars have maybe never been slimmer. Meanwhile, Drummond's been beasting for Detroit, emerging as one of the A's best young big men in his first season as a starter. You just have to ignore certain things in the East, like Drummond's 38% foul shooting, or how only 27% of the Conference is over .500.

Snub Squad (if such a thing exists for the East): Kemba Walker, Jeff Teague, Greg Monroe, Kyle Lowry, Joakim Noah, Dwyane Wade, Michael Carter-Williams

Bestern Conference

G. James Harden, Houston Rockets
As explained above, almost had Harden starting, but ultimately Steph Curry's just more dynamic on offense and more influential to what makes his team successful. Not to knock Harden; 25/5/5 on a good West team is a strong season, especially with individual scoring rates falling with the rise of metrics-based analysis.

G. Tony Parker, F. Tim Duncan, San Antonio SpursNow that all of us have finally gotten used to the idea that the Spurs aren't going to fall off until Parker and Tim Duncan's appendages do, it's only right that the best team in the West be properly repped for its methodical excellence. They've been doing what Miami's trying this year by pacing themselves 'til the Playoffs for several seasons now. It shows in that they're keeping their stars fresh, while sitting atop the far tougher Conference. With Pop coaching again, it's only appropriate.

F. Blake Griffin, Los Angeles ClippersAnyone who still thinks of Blake Griffin as a one-dimensional athletic finisher needs to wake up to the progress he's steadily made. This season in particular has seen marked improvements in his toughness, jump-shooting, decision making, passing, and attention on defense under Doc Rivers. He's not quite on the Love/Aldridge level, but he's not far beneath it.

F. Dwight Howard, Houston RocketsHoward's days as the undisputed ruler of the NBA Paint may be behind him, but this season he's denied those who hinted at his demise, by turning back the clock - slightly - with a rejuvenated game hardly seen with the Lakers. If Marc Gasol had been healthy, this spot would've been a fight, but D12's back in All-Star form.

W.C. Damian Lillard, Portland TrailblazersThe West bench wouldn't be complete without Dame Dash; a terror for the League's best offense, and saving his best play for the most crucial moments. He remains a defensive liability in most matchups, but Lillard propels the Blazers to the tune of 109ppg - most since the D'Antoni Suns - and Portland's 2nd in the West.

W.C. Anthony Davis, New Orleans Hornets
With the final spot on the West roster, I'm invoking the Kevin Love clause yet again, because Davis is exploding in his second season as a two-way franchise force, despite the Pelicans' reluctance to, er, take flight. Regardless if his team doesn't really deserve the recognition, this is a game that's supposed to honor the NBA's best players and at a certain point, you have to draw the line. And they're hosting All-Star Weekend, which apparently means something, so here he is.

Snub Squad: DeMarcus Cousins, Dirk Nowitzki, Goran Dragic/Eric Bledsoe, Serge Ibaka, Klay Thompson, Monta Ellis, Ty Lawson

The All-League Pass Team

As most of you already know, NBA League Pass is probably the greatest invention since the wheel and has revolutionized the way we watch our favorite game (and if you don't, you really need to).

Not only are all games available at the touch of a button, but teams and players who were seldom seen outside the quiet realms of local TV are now being exposed to a national audience, their status only further proliferating with the explosion of social media and the (awesome) sudden ability for the random thoughts of JR Smith to make him an internet celebrity. 

The excessive abundance of selection forces one to prioritize: There's certain players who are simply must-see additions to any well-balanced night of NBA channel-surfing; guys who for a variety of reasons - both related to their basketball skills and otherwise - are simply too entertaining to pass up. 

The regular season's winding down, and awards are due out soon. So as a warm-up, here's a nod to the excellence of those who, night in and night out, kept us on the edge of our seats; who threaten to do something completely unforgettable whenever they step onto the court: The All-League Pass Team

Close Cuts - Michael Beasley (the prototype for a "guy who should be really good, is amusing to watch from an unintentional hilarity point of view, but ultimately too frustrating), Gerald Green (stopped dunking a lot/playing basketball well), Ricky Rubio (spent too much of this year injured/on early curfew), Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant (as amazing as they are at this age, it's not like we're seeing anything new from them), Steph Curry (casualty of an elite PG class), Josh Smith (has toned down his dunking, can no longer fight w/ Mike Woodson nightly), JR Smith (has toned down his erratic shooting and refuses to fight w/ Mike Woodson nightly), Tony Allen (one of the NBA's best players at losing the ball on the way to the hoop, regaining possession, drawing contact from an innocent bystander and completing the and-one defenders) the J. Crawfords (painful exclusions), Blake Griffin (a unanimous pick if Lebron and Durant weren't having two of the best seasons in recent memory) and DeMarcus Cousins (I really enjoy watching highly-skilled big men who regularly scream at their teammates mid-game for not getting them the ball enough, but every time I tune into a Kings game, I'm expecting to hear he's caught a CDT suspension and isn't with the team)

and now without further ado, the 2013 All-League Pass Team:

G - Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers  

Only so much needs to be said about the brilliance of a player who consistently averages more steals than turnovers and is a Lebron James-in-his-prime away from being the NBA's most complete offensive player. Paul - in his awe-imposing physical stature - regularly and methodically destroys opposing defenses however he sees fit, utilizing his own seemingly endless arsenal of moves, while also conducting a smooth-flowing basketball symphony, helping teammates hit high notes they couldn't without him. He plays with a tremendous IQ and the leadership ability to make it permeate through the rest of a once-mocked franchise that's considered among the legit contenders. It's must-see TV.

G - Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder

Westbrook's (by a very wide margin) the sharpest double-edge entertainment threat in professional basketball. Not only is he an insanely athletic, skilled and well-built guard who goes hard every game and is never short on highlight-reel material, but he's also one of the League's most highly-combustible players, prone to emotional blowups and occasional spans of on-court judgement that force you to question his mental development. There's very few point guards who cram on seven-footers as regularly and casually as Westbrook, and even fewer who've let a 5-second violation create a fight during and timeout and then flee to the locker room in distress. When their team was up 20. 

F- Lebron James, Miami Heat
This weighs on me personally because I don't want to watch the Miami Heat. I hate most things about their team, and find myself rooting against them in 99% of games. Despite this, the rational side of me usually wrestles some screen time for South Beach, because despite my feelings, it's hard to turn away. They play an engaged, unique, and energetic brand of basketball that's well-executed and (pretty much naturally) produces more than its share of poster shots. While the entire team has been playing out of their minds - not only individually but as a unit - a lot of this stems from Lebron James quite simply dominating this game on a level right now that only Michael Jordan has ever exceeded. Plain and simple. And if you don't want to watch that, then you're not a basketball fan.

F - Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
"Video Game Mode" is a term that's been gaining some steam in sports conversations these days. For those born after 1980 and not living in Siberia, it's an obvious reference, but in case you're a Siberian NBA fan, "Video Game Mode" is an homage to NBA Jam/Courtside with Kobe Bryant/Hangtime/Live/Street/ 2KWhatever, and the unrealistically good play spawned therein. Whether through poor game design, the "Easy" difficulty setting and "Off" fatigue toggling, a user calling his superstar's number on every single play, or the sudden ability to leap 40 feet in the air for a quintuple-flip while igniting the ball in flames during a dunk, players just seemed to be able to do a lot of shit that just seemed... Skeptical. This term most often applies to cases of overt offensive dominance, where a particular player shows a ruthless unwillingness to miss, as though he's discovered a cheat code that sends every shot out his hands straight through the mesh. This term also most often applies to Kevin Durant, which is why he's a no-brainer starter on this team.

C - Javale McGee, Denver Nuggets
What Javale McGee has managed to do with his NBA career is truly fascinating. He exists in the minds of some as much (and in others even more) a social media entity as an actual basketball player. McGee became a staple of the YouTube/Twitter generation with his death-defying dunk attempts, and displays of general cluelessness both on-court (sprinting back on D when his own team had possession, or perhaps nearly killing James Jones after attempting to jump over him from the foul line and dunk), and on the mic (making an ambiguously-racist, live-national-TV reference to a certain Shaquille O'Neal segment), while confounding coaches with his inconsistent play. Javale is helping to maintain the NBA's social media profile with his tomes of wisdom and sagacious antics is almost like a second job; the Denver Nuggets are paying him a shade under $11 million this season, and bringing him off the bench for 18 minutes/game, so he has plenty of time on his hands. You might think such sparse appearances would make him a longshot for this team, but call McGee this team's "character guy" - if you're only looking at his on-court production, you're missing the whole picture.

My 2013 All Star Ballot

Voting for the NBA All-Stars is always a painful process for me.

While it only takes a couple of minutes, and doesn't cost a penny, it's an attempt to put forth an honest assessment of the NBA season so far; casting a vote for the players I truly feel deserve to be there, that generally represents a flawed system. I know any attempt to have the most deserving players in the game will be bastardized.

See, anyone with a rational understanding of basketball and/or politics knows that NBA All-Star voting is no less a popularity contest than a 5th Grade class president election. Fans of all ages, exposures to the game, and levels of bias/education/intelligence have a say as to who starts (as it technically should be in any democracy) but it all too often sees the wrong players donning the All-Star threads (for dramatic examples see Ming, Yao and Carter, Vincent Lamar).

To make matters worse, both fans and coaches (who vote for reserves and often suffer from the same bias/ineptitude issues) were shackled by position restrictions that mandated the inclusion of dubious players. Thankfully, the League has spared us the Jamal Magloire Experience this year and abandoned the forced inclusion of centers, finally realizing that evolving athleticism has almost caught up with size and a lot of their best players aren't big men anymore.

While this revelation takes some of the pain away, it still numbs my brain to know that 218,246 people think Kevin Garnett deserves to be starting (as he likely will be), and Ray Allen has the 5th-most votes of any guard in the East. Before I vomit all over my keyboard and can't write the rest of this, let's get to the rational side of the argument (I know mine's just an opinion too, but at least it's thought out and backed up), Banter's 2013 All-Star Ballot:

EAST

Lebron James
I'll get the obvious one out of the way after Lebron spent 2012 jamming his size 17 signature Nikes down every hater in the World's throat and shows no signs of his reign ending anytime soon, now that he's shooting 3's at a 40%+ clip and looking even more unguardable. He's done settling the "best player on Earth" status, so while he works on the "best of all time" spot, he's a lock for this game.

Carmelo Anthony
Aside from a certain incident involving a bus and some Honey Nut Cheerios, 'Melo's been everything the skeptical masses demanded from him coming into this season from a basketball standpoint. He's still scoring at an All-World rate, but within the flow of his team's offense and not to the detriment of New York's win total, which is higher at this point in the season than it's been since Patrick Ewing was in town. It was a given that fans would be voting him in anyway, but unlike last year, Anthony has a positive leader on an East contender, making his place here well-earned.

Josh Smith
There were several deserving big men for this spot (Tyson Chandler and Joakim Noah most notably) but consider my inclusion of three swing forwards in the East's frontcourt as a slight "Fuck You" to the NBA for the years lacking centers appearing in this game. Smith was a deserving candidate last year, but had his spot given to his own overrated teammate by the coaches. Now that Joe Johnson's being paid too much money by another team, Smith has singled himself out as the biggest reason why Atlanta's performing at a level above last season, and everyone's expectations. He's an all-around beast of an athlete who stuffs stat sheets like few others and will be good for at least a few jaw-droppers when he makes his first All-Star appearance (keep in mind this guy tried to do a between-the-legs dunk in a playoff game once).

Paul George
Speaking of athletic stat-stuffers, George has come into his own this year as the bona-fide Man on the Pacers. Long-considered their most talented player, PG's rise was somewhat hesitant after Danny Granger went down and left a scoring void that he was capable of filling, but hadn't been called upon to at the pro level. When it became apparent that newly-minted Max-Man Roy Hibbert wasn't getting the job done, George came out in beast mode, not only filling the scoring void, but doing just about everything for the Pacers, who still lead the Central despite the absence of their most accomplished player. George has been a capable scorer from inside and out, and will only become more dangerous as his confidence grows, showing enough stride over the past couple months to reduce Indiana's former All-Star swingman to trade bait.

Rajon Rondo
Stat-padding aside, Rondo's been by far the best point guard in the East so far this season, and although it's becoming apparent he'll likely never be a consistent outside threat or decent free-throw shooter, he affects the game in so many other ways that borderline on dominance. His awkward effectiveness is only heightened by the fact that he both looks and plays like an extra-terrestrial, but there's no denial of his being elite on both sides of the ball, and though Boston's typical early-season quagmire's been murky this year, Rondo still has to be here.

WEST 

Tim Duncan
The Spurs are again defiantly staring Father Time in the face, rocking a top-3 record in the West and looking every bit like the legit Title threat we've learned not to count them out as. At the forefront of this (all respect due to Tony Parker) has been Duncan's trademark methodical brilliance, which to still be doing at his age, after so many deep playoffs runs, is just remarkable. There really isn't much to go on about here, Duncan's been an elite NBA player for longer than most of us can vividly remember, and his regulated-minutes numbers are incredible for one of the League's most dangerous teams. He's blocking 2.6 shots/game this year. In 30 mins. At age 36. Seriously.

Kevin Durant
One of two no-brainers in the West, Durant has been playing above adjectives as OKC shook off the sudden James Harden trade, started completely obliterating teams at Durant's whim, and now look like the favorites in June. He's taken his D to another level and is fucking with the offensive Holy Grail of .50/.40/.90. If you cast a ballot that didn't have his name on it, you should try watching curling, you're not a basketball fan.

Marc Gasol
Either Gasol or Zach Randolph had to be here, and choosing between the two was relatively difficult. It ultimately came down to Gasol's versatility: he's a capable scorer who's also the best playmaking big man in the NBA and the backbone of a defense that ranks near the top of every major stat category league-wide. Randolph might be Memphis' go-to guy in the clutch, and he's a couple of monster nights that have single-handedly won them games, but Gasol's subtle brilliance is more important to the Grizzlies in an all-around sense, and the once-infamously one-sided trade that saw him swapped for his brother has been re-written.

Chris Paul
As increasingly difficult as it is to wrap my head around the concept that the Los Angeles Clippers have the 2nd-best record in the NBA, there should be little doubt in the ability of this young man to bring out the best in even the most historically flawed franchise in pro sports. Paul's credentials really don't need to be repeated; he's by a wide margin the League's best quarterback, and his presence gave the stingiest billionaire in the World enough confidence to invest in this team and provide a pleasant contrast to the depressing mess going on with LA's other team.

James Harden
The irony is that BY FAR the toughest decision on this ballot was choosing between Harden and his former OKC running mate, Russell Westbrook. The reality is that Harden has been an absolute monster on Houston so far, completely justifying his unwillingness to take less money from the Thunder by proving himself  as an elite 2-way player that a franchise can build around; exactly the kind of player Houston had been trying to land for years, and the only reason they'll be challenging for a playoff spot down the stretch. The further irony, of course, being that after several seasons of All-Star searching after Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming drifted away, Rockets fans will get to see Harden rep their team in the big game on their home floor.

What You Missed at Home: Live @ Game 2 in Memphis

Saturday, April 27, 2012; ~2pm - I'm settling into what, for me, is an ideal day: plenty of kush, plenty of good food, two screens of poker tournaments, and (more importantly) a third one showcasing the first day of something I've spent months expecting to miss, and a few beyond that waiting for: The NBA Playoffs.

While I couldn't possibly ask for more without feeling a bit greedy, my good friend (and fellow basketball junkie) Alex Livingston and I were about to sweeten the pot by talking ourselves into going to a playoff game. We struck up a conversation, mused about which series would be the most compelling, and not an hour later, we were booked for an adventure down to Memphis for Game 2. My first live playoff game: Dream about it for 20 years; make it a reality in 20 minutes. Why not?

Now, being the financially irresponsible NBA addict that I am, I thought it was perfectly normal and reasonable to travel 2400 miles on a complete impulse to watch a single playoff game, but judging from the number of crooked looks I got from people inquiring why I was in town, apparently I'm wrong. Oh well.

Rather than base our trip out of Tennessee, we thought it would be neat to check out nearby Tunica, Mississippi: Just a half hour outside of Memphis, it was Vegas on the Bayou, allegedly boasting some of the best conditions for us avid poker players; a fun atmosphere, very soft games and generous gratuities. Then we actually arrived, found out that Tunica's about as fun as a lobotomy, and the geographic visual equivalent of drying paint. I was unimpressed by the game selection, underwhelmed by a five-star steakhouse for the first time in my life, and, in the climax, spent two hours wandering on the side of the highway under scorching sun (you should see my sexy beater tan) in an effort to find a drug store and replace the moisturizer and shaving cream that TSA stole from me. "Why didn't you call a cab?" you might ask? Oh, because for some reason, in a senior-filled tourist trap where nothing except the next casino/hotel is within walking distance, there are no cabs. Not one. Incredible. This would have been problematic for our planned night of drinking, only there were no bars either. Within 20 hours of arriving, we called an audible, booked a new hotel in Memphis, and arranged to fly out two days earlier rather than prolong our misery. Basically, if you're ever planning on going to Tunica, don't.

We arrived in Memphis a few hours before tipoff, got settled in our new digs, and went to explore the vibrant downtown district. For the uneducated, Memphis boasts itself as the home of Blues music, and represents very well. Beale St; the one directly outside of FedEx Forum; is a southern-themed George St; complete with  awesome BBQ, a litany of live music, and people openly drinking copious amounts of beer in the street, not to mention the bars that line both sides of it. Well, when in Rome... After some pulled pork at B.B. King's, some body shots at Coyote Ugly (ya, that Coyote Ugly), and enough beer to give the Duff Man a rough morning, we rolled over to the game. (Might be worth noting at this point that between our booking and arrival, Memphis had suffered the worst 4th quarter collapse in NBA playoff history; so people were drunkenly carrying around a very volatile combination of anxiety and ambition that made us both fear for our lives if the Grizz were to lose again).

By the time we got to our seats, I was buzzing fairly hard, and things hadn't even gotten that aggressive yet. So I stole a move from Grantland's Rembert Browne, and jotted down notes on my phone to recall the evening's memorable moments, when my memory for specific details was sure to be at its worst:

"WhiteOut!!!": We rolled into the arena an hour before tipoff (I wasn't about to half-ass this), and were immediately blinded by the white and yellow combo of "Believe" t-shirts and towels draped over every one of the arena's 18, 119 seats (man, would that job SUCK). It looked pretty cool, but the effect was only amplified as those seats were gradually filled with bellowing fans (and every last one of them was, or at least so says nba.com), wearing the shirts with pride and waving the towels like they were crazed football fans in Pïttsburgh. You see it on TV all the time, but to the naked eye, it's much more profound. Those who chose not to adorn the tees were exposed on the jumbotron, offered shirts by arena staff, and loudly chastised by the crowd until they put one on. #Awesome (peep the photo above)

"Dave": After about half an hour, our section started to fill out; we were joined in the seats on our left by Dave; a pretty cool guy (even after conversing with us at length and not introducing us to his probably-too-hot-for-him girlfriend), who despite his admitted lack of in-depth knowledge, was as enthusiastic a couch-mate as you could ask for. To our right was another couple, one who didn't speak to us all game after Alex offered the (snobby) girl a sincere apology for accidentally snaring her towel. In front of us was a family of four, who were clearly dragged there by the father, an evident hoop-head. More on that in a second...

"beat LA! beat LA!": The pregame was an absolute perfect storm of NBA enthusiasm: a bunch of overly-intoxicated fans losing it for an upstart team that had left them yearning for years, suddenly gotten very good, and more recently, suffered a historic collapse that left them bloodthirsty for revenge. "Beat LA!! Beat LA!!" rang out so loud you couldn't hear yourself think as fans rendered their seats obsolete (if you were "sitting" in the lower bowl, at any given point during most the game, you were likely watching the guy in front of you wave a towel) and erased any regret I might've had about passing up the OKC fans in their favor.

"CP3 isn't human": Seeing Chris Paul play live has been on my Bucket List for several years now, and he still managed to insult my expectations - in a very good way. Watching this relative midget dominate the biggest athletes in the World with more precision and poise than I can put into words is one of those things you just have to see for real; TV just doesn't do it justice. He's no taller than six feet (I've stood right behind him in line at McDonalds and can tell you this very confidently), and yet so far above everyone else.

"Vinnys clueless": Paul's brilliance is starkly contrasted by his coach; watching Vinny Del Negro in person is almost as fascinating, because you get to see all the things that go on off-camera: his puzzled expressions, his overly-animated gestures at awkward moments, his players completely ignoring him. He was the recurring comic relief throughout the game.

"Rudy Gay bad pass reaction": Early in the first quarter, Rudy Gay is streaking along the left wing on the break, anticipating a pass that Mike Conley sends several feet in front of him and clean into the first row. Gay freezes dead in his tracks, holding the triple-threat position for several seconds, while looking over at Conley in disbelief.

"Sager Sighting!!", "Jerry the King": As I know TNT is broadcasting, I've spent a good amount of time playing a slightly easier game of Where's Waldo; trying to find a man wearing the ugliest suit in America amid a sea of white shirts. I spot him chasing down Vinny D for the standard "end-of-first-visiting-coach" interview (rocking something that Brick Tamland would've put together on an off day), and for just a few seconds, wish I was at home, so I could hear this meeting of minds. Of course, as I'm thinking this, the jumbotron zooms in on a conveniently-placed Clippers fan courtside. He's acting very boisterous and drawing the ire of the crowd, when, out of nowhere, appears Memphis native and wrestling legend Jerry "The King" Lawler - rocking a crown and custom "King" Grizzlies jersey - who confronts the fan WWF-style, before locking him in a tombstone piledriver - sending the crowd into complete pandemonium - and putting him down for the count. Standing O. Never mind, I'm glad I'm here.

"Dad n son in front of us": By the second quarter, I've noticed my view of the game has been slightly less obstructed than most in this standing-room-only arena. This is because in front of me is the younger son of the family of four. He's the only one not enjoying himself; in his seat, his entire body from the eyes down stuffed into his 'Believe' tee, watching the game on the jumbotron, clearly caring about as much as he must've in math class earlier that day. The father, to his right, looks down upon him and scorns "...You're watching this on the big screen??", shooting him a look that's half "I paid $230 for these tickets" and half "Who the fuck is this kid that clearly got swapped for mine at the hospital?". I can only hope my children don't turn out that way.

"Gasol passing", "Blake shot selection", "Tony Allen jumper": One of the better parts of watching a game live is letting it speak for itself; you get to focus on it rather than be distracted by shifting cameras, dumb announcers, and all the other shit going on. Some things that I found don't get talked about enough on TV: For all the praise his brother gets, Marc Gasol is a really, really good passer. Not only that, he's extremely versatile; delivering an array of bounce, chest, and outlet passes, out of double teams on the low block, from the elbow, and in transition. So many hockey assists. He out Vlades Vlade.

Blake Griffin's shot selection is, well, interesting. I still can't wrap my head around it because it seems like so many of his attempts are careless forces, but he also holds an ability to control and contort his body midair beyond that of anyone his size, and he hits a decent amount of them. But still, sometimes you're just left shaking your head like "Chris didn't want the possession to end that way" or "If their coach wasn't completely useless he'd instill some discipline and find a way to combine that aggressive athleticism with the best point guard alive and get him better looks".

Tony Allen....Well, as someone on Twitter so kindly put it once; "At 3am, in a dimly lit bar, Tony Allen's jumper would still leave alone". Why Lionel Hollins hasn't tried shock therapy or something at this point is beyond me.

"Horrible reffing & fans not booing jumbotron": Kenny Mauer; I describe him pre-game to Alex as "tech-happy and not the best". By the second quarter, he's already blatantly fucked up three calls - right in front of him and us - unleashing a flood of boos from FedEx Forum's faithful as his mistakes are replayed on the 'tron. I'd normally take this with a grain of salt, but also on no fewer than three occasions so far, the big screen's replayed close calls that went to the Clippers, and not a peep from anyone. Maybe they're not that drunk yet. The next morning, I tried to compliment Mr. Mauer when I was behind him in line at the airport newsstand, only to discover that it wasn't actually him, and awkwardly walk away (right, like anyone else who's not European and in their 50s wears their hair like that).

"Ibaka, Jordan": I've spent far too long making faulty comparisons between Serge Ibaka and DeAndre Jordan offensively. I can't lie to myself anymore. After watching Ibaka absolutely devour Dallas on an impressive array of double-team sneaks, offensive glass putbacks, and even a few of his own moves to the hoop a few nights prior, I had hoped Jordan would come even close to measuring up, but was majorly let down. Somebody needs to convince Donald Sterling to hire The Dream to work with this kid over the summer, because he's an absolute monster of a human being, who could be Chris Paul's next version of Tyson Chandler if he had the slightest idea how to finish after taking contact, or even with a defender in his general vicinity. Vinny D's sure as hell not showing him how. As Jordan takes a weak foul and splits at the line, Vinny and CP3 meet at half; Chris does most of the talking. Vinny looks confused.

"Sirius": If the satellite radio station is what immediately came to mind, please stop reading this. If you're familiar with the goosebump-inducing Allan Parsons Project anthem that's become synonymous with NBA playoff drama since MJ made it famous, then you need no explanation as to why nothing in the World could get me more excited for the fourth quarter of a close game than a bunch of people screaming deafeningly loud over this song.

"Vinny, Blake inbounds play": The climax of Vinny's wayward night comes during a crucial inbounds play where Memphis is (predictably) running a pick-and-pop for Gasol to operate in the high post. I can clearly remember thinking to myself "If they score here, it' over". Vinny's halfway on the court, near foul line extended, screaming for Blake Griffin (remember, this is Blake Griffin, not Tyson Chandler, or even Taj Gibson) to hedge closer to the screen. Blake doesn't move, doesn't even acknowledge his coach, then rises above everyone to intercept the inbound pass.

"Juice = Huge": The one regret I have from this trip (aside from ever setting foot in Tunica) is not making the wisest $20 purchase of my life on a 'Juice is My Homeboy' OJ Mayo tee, and rocking it with pride as he proceeded to throw dirt on the grave the Clippers dug for themselves with a careless attitude towards passing and defensive rebounding. Wouldn't have guessed he'd be the killer down the stretch, but tonight he was in Michael Myers mode. Vinny certainly looks very frightened.

"Z-Bo trans steal = play of game": Something I'd have much more reluctantly guessed would be that a Zach Randolph transition steal to step on the Clippers' neck would be the play of a game in which he shared the court with Blake Griffin, but as soon as it happens, Alex and I both nod assent: that was it. By the time Blake finally throws one down, it's too little too late, but damn...Is it ever still a sight.

"Vinny game over, clipboard": With the game out of hand on its final possession, and Mike Conley playing out the motions at the line, Vinny D is suddenly trying on his best "coach deep in thought" act, thoughtfully exchanging glances between his clipboard, the scoreboard, and his white-flag-waving players after a night of frantic confusion and challenged authority. It was nice of him to provide us with one last laugh, even if he couldn't help CP3 guide them into an overtime thriller for us.

I awoke the next morning in the Memphis Comfort Inn, still clad in my 'Believe' tee with my new Grizz fitted shielding my eyes from light that would surely hurt like fuck. It was a pretty nasty hangover; we joined in the post-game victory celebrations (thankfully we avoided a similar outcome to Game 1, and the ensuing post-game riot) as they spilled out onto Beale St and beyond, finally getting a ride back to our hotel from Ashley, a sweetheart (and not hard on the eyes) bartender who we befriended out of mutual frustration with a drunk homeless guy who crashed our patio table. But that's a story for another day; it was time to go back to Canada, and sadly leave this explosion of NBA playoff excitement behind me.

At least I wasn't going back to Tunica.

2012 Banter Awards: Part 2

The NBA needs some new awards. Seriously. Six trophies isn't nearly enough to honor all that transpires during the regular season. Even if they did it on-the-low, less-publicized awards like those ones that get handed out before the Grammy telecast because nobody really cares about them. Plenty of players had seasons that demanded recognition, so giving nods to both the good and bad, here's Part 2 of the 2012 Banter Awards:

Bobby Boucher Trophy - Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers

The player whose arrival on a new team created the greatest positive impact.

The Clippers knew this guy was worth the trouble. Even after their first attempt was stymied, they continued pushing, and haven't come close to a shred of regret. Paul's been almost Frankenstien-like with his ability to assemble such maligned talent and create such a scary monster of a team that has far too many point guards, depth issues, a lethal combination of defensive amnesia and apathy, and a clueless coach whose word his players probably value less than CP3's. The Clips have always been a wayward vessel, but at least they have the steadiest hands possible at the helm.

Regards to: Jeremy Lin, Tyson Chandler, Ramon Sessions

Simmons Beauty Rest Award: Tyson Chandler, New York Knicks

The player who had a ridiculously good year, and everybody slept on very hard.

Safe to say this is not what Tyson Chandler thought he was getting himself into. His offseason departure from the reigning champs was a much-scrutinized pass by a team he'd played a vital role for, but he'd landed in an ideal situation: basketball's Mecca needed a center badly, preferably a defensive-minded one, and had plenty of money to throw at a recent championship catalyst to help their own efforts. Chandler held up his end of the bargain; having his best season ever, completely dummying the FG% category while basically playing 1-5 defensively. And all year, few said a fucking word about his play or gave him any credence for the All-Star spot that ROY HIBBERT was awarded, while his team (bar a certain #17) garnered national headlines all season about how they were imploding around him.

Regards to: Josh Smith, Greg Monroe, Ersan Ilyasova

Canibus Award - Demar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors

The player who looked like he was going to blow up this year, and never became much.

Derozan looked to have it all this year; he was coming off a strong campaign for a rebuilding team that was ready to give him all the shine he needed as a vital cog to their young core. Instead of continue to grow, Demar almost regressed; often playing without the vigor that fueled him last season, and showing a wavering commitment to everything but scoring. Even with Andrea's Bargnani's prolonged absence, Derozan's failed to make an impact anywhere near what his potential suggests. It's certainly not too late for him, but, well... I feel like the LL Cool J beef isn't far off.

Regards to: Javale Mcgee, Nicolas Batum, Deandre Jordan

Justin Bieber Award - Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

The player who was everywhere this year for the wrong reasons; over-exposed through foolishness that warrants some serious down time.

It was Dwight's year; but we all knew that coming in. The looming drama surrounding his impending free agency - and his desire to milk it 'til it bled - was bound to dominate this season from the moment we found out we'd have a season at all. Of course, apart from extremely annoying, this was entirely unfair to the Magic, who had their attempts to reconfigure their roster sidetracked by a year or so.... And even after the months of pretentious indecision, he couldn't even wait 'til after the season to try and get his coach fired. I hate using chat acronyms, but f***ing SMH... That's 2/2 on superstars openly trying to build their brand/public profile in the past couple years, making themselves look like idiots and becoming targets for widespread public scorn in the process. Just give it up and play basketball.

Regards to: Javale Mcgee, Andrew Bynum, Dwyane Wade

Kevin Willis Memorial Award - Grant Hill, Phoenix Suns

The player who nobody could've blamed for retiring a long time ago, and still grinds it out.

Why is Grant Hill doing this? He's 38. He's in his 16th season. He's playing a supporting role on a team stuck in NBA purgatory. That's he's even walking at this point after his busted wheels stole a first-ballot-HOF career from him is astounding. That he's still balling with enough heart to heave led the league in charges drawn last season (I know, it was last season, but still) is truly unique. But why? It's not for the money; Hill comes from a wealthy, well-educated family and has made more himself than even Antoine Walker could blow (ok, maybe not). It's not for a title, otherwise he would've discretely asked for a trade (because he's far too classy to just demand one) long ago. It's for the love of the Game. And that's what this award's about.

Regards to: Kurt Thomas, Anthony Carter, Juwan Howard

JR Rider Memorial Trophy: Dunk of the Year - Gerald Green, New Jersey Nets

Regards to: Lebron James over John Lucas III, the families of Blake Griffin's many victims

Christopher Wallace Award - Ricky Rubio, Minnesota Timberwolves

The fallen player whose team was most hurt by his absence.

Rubio's much-delayed arrival in Minnesota obviously reaped massive benefits; the team that had acquired his rights, and then hoarded point guards as though a nuclear holocaust were approaching (where were Ramon Sessions' minutes) could finally hand the keys over to their quarterback of the future. The on-court translation was almost immediate: Rubio was taking the League by storm with his dynamic court vision and defensive precision, while the Wolves were contending for the playoffs?? And Nikola Pekovic was absolutely destroying people?? Okay, obviously Pekovic's explosion and Rubio's arrival are only loosely connected, but the young Spaniard brought with him something that Minnesota hadn't had in a while: hope. There was a buzz about the Wolves this year; they were competitive, and their disparate parts were playing with a well-oiled cohesion and sense of purpose that nobody expected. That it all basically fell apart when Rubio went down for the season should surprise nobody.

Regards to: Nobody, really. The top three candidates here: Chicago, Memphis, and Atlanta, all played remarkably well in their stars' absences.

Hindenburg Award - Charlotte Bobcats

Given to the NBA's biggest disaster.

It seems redundant and downright cruel to continue bashing the Housecats at this point, but...DAMN. I just slid over to their website to check out their roster for my own amusement, and was greeted with a full-page popup excitedly announcing that the team had signed Jamario Moon?!?!?! Fuck, I'm sorry. This is supposed to be a somewhat-serious award rationale, but I can't even keep a straight face doing this. If Corey Maggette's the best scorer on your team and even a headstrong gunner like him can only muster 15/game...Just fold. No wonder MJ wants out.

Regards to: Washington Wizards, New Jersey Nets, Golden State Warriors (Want to make some easy money? Go find a sports book/dumb friend, throw down on a progressive bet of the Warriors' two best players never making it through a full season together, and wait.)

Congrats to all the winners! Playoff previews coming this week, stay tuned...

The Requisite MVP Odds Column

It's what everyone's talking about right now, and rightfully so.

Every year, around this time, the MVP discussion blows up the NBA blogosphere (ya, I'm sorry for using that word), and even this season of 11-game nights and mass confusion has been no exception.

Tonight, the Podoloff's two front-runners are facing off in the game that will probably carry the single most weight in the MVP discussion - a clash that couldn't have come at a better time; right as Durant stole the momentum from what seemed like a snap-vote for Queen James. Last year Derrick Rose went completely postal in this such game, actively deconstructing the Heat down the stretch of an ABC Sunday victory that solidified Chicago's 1-seed and his status as MVP, as well as - literally - sending Miami away in tears.

With the debate heating up, now seems like a prime time to lay some MVP gambling guidelines, so here's Banter's Official (don't blame me if you lose a mortgage) 2012 MVP Odds:

Jeremy Lin, New York Knicks: Just kidding.

Josh Smith, Atlanta Hawks: 525:1 - This isn't really serious either. It's just a nod to one of the most criminally underrated seasons in NBA history, in which a fringe All-Star stepped up his post presence when his team's center went down for the count, kept them afloat, had one of the most impressively versatile seasons in recent memory, and was cheated out of the Midseason Classic by his own teammate's reputation nod. Shame.

Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs: 37:1 - If there was ever a doubt about Pretty Tony's HOF credentials, this season bagged it. He's improbably led the Spurs to within striking distance of 1st in the West when everyone had written them off, with Timmy D at a career-high level of irrelevance. With Duncan on the court so little (if you think Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol manhandling an exhausted TD last spring wasn't permanently seared into Gregg Popovich's mind you're mistaken), much of the offense - playmaking and scoring - has rested on Parker's shoulders, and he's responded with the finest season of his career.

Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic: 25:1 - This is right for all the wrong reasons. Sure, Howard's by far the most dominant two-way center in the League, but he seems to lack the intensity and focus that still separate him from someone like, say, David Robinson (not that anyone's ever made that comparison before). Sure, he's the single reason the Magic are in the playoffs, but his year-long InDecision saga is also the reason they haven't been able to position themselves to contend (and also likely responsible for massive levels of stress increase among Magic fans). Sure, he's probably going to be in the MVP conversation every year for the foreseeable future, but it's looking like a longshot that he'll grasp it.

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers: 18:1 - Kobe's on the rebound. Not only did he just get divorced, but was also just torn away from the most profound basketball relationship of his life, and found Mike F***ing Brown in its place. The result has been an Iversonian offensive reign that has stat geeks spewing rhetoric about his usage rate, and the traffic on a certain German physician's website going through the roof. In essence, Kobe's been the Lakers this year: he sees his window closing, wants to make an impact on the record books, saw the 8th on #NBARank, and has the same respect for his coach's leash as you did for a substitute teacher in the 5th grade. So it's safe to say he deserves most of the credit for them being 3rd in the West and above everyone's expectations.

Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers: 13:1 - Let's call Chris Paul what he is: the NBA's only modern-day Player-Coach. His contributions to the Clippers - particularly in the fourth quarter, where they'd be absolutely rudderless without him - are horrifically underrated and the ultimate testament to how the value of a player can truly transcend the numbers. "Making those around you better" has become such a cliche MVP argument that it almost insults the way he sucks defenders far enough away from Caron Butler for the easiest looks of his career (that he still misses...), creates DeAndre Jordan's entire offensive game or places alley-oops passes too perfectly for Blake Griffin to catch them behind his head. He's the glue holding together a team of talented, maligned pieces and making them a playoff team. That he pulls a Peyton Manning during the fourth quarter of every close game, still has the Clippers (yes, THE CLIPPERS) holding down homecourt, and probably has no chance of winning, is by far the season's most ridiculous MVP fallacy (there's always a few). Which leads me to...

Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves: 12:1 - Love can't be this year's MVP fallacy because his leading of Minnesota's unlikely resurrection has garnered enough fringe MVP buzz that I'm sure a few of the loopier voters are going to give him plenty of love (pun intended). What he is is a perhaps more-poignant 2005 Lebron James: an absolutely dominant player on a (once) hopeful playoff team that has done everything short of filling Gatorade coolers, and calls into debate the true context of "value" as the MVP voting precedent has addressed it. If you took Kevin Love away from the Wolves, it would arguably have more of a devastating impact on Minnesota than any other team losing its ace. In that sense, he should definitely be in the conversation, but because his team was only an 8-seed, and now worse, he stands no legitimate chance, unless the same type of political nonsense that's persisted in any kind of NBA voting (I know how weird that sounds) for years gets completely turned on its head. As much as I'd love to see this guy do it, I'd put my money on one of these two...

Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder: 2:1 - Durant's kind of a weird guy. I don't mean that in a "he strikes me as strange" way (even after that whole backpack thing), but in that he's done something this season that many superstars would never even consider: he's seemingly almost ceded in the Russell Westbrook Power Struggle that cynics feared would ruin their season. He's allowing Westy to continue getting his at an abnormal rate, and being perhaps the most submissive MVP candidate on this list, while still spearheading a trio that, along with Westbrook and Harden is scoring at a more efficient rate on the floor together than any team in NBA history (seriously, look it up). He's one of the League's most feared clutch assassins, and has delivered to the tune of a season-long stint atop the West. Oh, and he completely ruined Lebron James' shit last week.

Lebron James, Miami Heat: 1.2:1 - Obviously, Durant's trending right now after he embodied an OKC trouncing of the Heat and sent today's ever-fickle masses into pandemonium about how there was a new MVP favorite. I'm a firm believer that the human brain has yet to evolve at the same rate as technology to properly handle all the information we're perpetually bombarded with, and I feel like that might be causing some slight amnesia in a lot of NBA "heads". They've forgotten that before an injury brought on the first real regular-season slump of the Queen's career (and, yes I plan on calling him that until he wins a title), he'd spent months making a mockery of the MVP race, putting up the same ridiculous numbers in fewer minutes, creating points with historic efficiency and aptly defending all five positions, lifting the Heat while Dwyane Wade has sunk to (relatively) unfathomable lows. Well, he's broken out of that slump. So my money's on him.

Good luck with your bets, and enjoy your winnings responsibly.

After The Goldrush: Looking Back and Forward on the New NBA Season

Well, it wasn't so much of a goldrush, maybe more like a pyrite rush after some of the ridiculousness we saw over the first few weeks of a belated, official NBA "offseason". It was a bizarre, hectic and in some cases league-altering couple of weeks, so now that most of dust's settled and we're just days away from what's sure to be the best Christmas ever, let's take a look back at the madness, and try to make some sense of it:

- Surely the story of the past weeks was the Chris Paul trade odyssey and David Stern's repeated attempts to get his Gaddafi on, blocking completely legitimate offers for his adopted team's prized PG not once, but twice. Finally enough league and public outcry forced him to realize he was being an irrational asshole, and he let the re-submitted deal pass. The result: the Empty Clips now look like legit homecourt threats in the West, and we've been blessed with the divine privilege of watching CP throw Blake Griffin oops all year. This trade made sense on too many levels: Paul wanted to play in LA. The Clippers had considerably the best package to offer. It would be the ultimate "Fuck You" to a Lakers team that's had the odds stacked in their favor for decades and just got denied their own shot at Paul. We now get to indulge in what could become the best highlight reel tandem ever, finally spared of an increasingly delusional tyrant's iron fist.

- Not too far behind the trend-meter was Dwight Howard's "they love me, they love me not..." trade drama in Orlando, which is making Dwight look more like a child every day, and leading me to think he'd be best off just staying with the Magic and being so close to Disney World. Dude, just be straight with Otis Smith; the poor guy already has a very difficult time with his job, and you changing your mind about your trade desires every time a Twitter follower talks you into it isn't gonna make this go any smoother.

- In missing out on CP3, the Lakers continued the implosion that seemed to have reached its peak with the their 2nd-round sweep last spring. Lamar Odom, upset that his team felt was good enough to trade for the BEST POINT GUARD ALIVE, felt betrayed and demanded a trade. So where do they send him? Obviously to the team that knocked them out last year. And what'd they get in return? Oh ya, absolutely nothing! Great move! Now the Odom giveaway has angered Kobe Bryant (who's also getting divorced and has a legion of NBA heads telling him he's not that great anymore), Metta World Peace (...really?) is dawning upon the most useless season of his career, the words "condensed schedule" might as well mean "injured reserve" for Andrew Bynum, and your nefarious, two-headed point guard demon of Derek Fisher and Steve Blake? Probably the worst in the NBA. That Jerry Buss decided to replace the modern era's greatest coach with a McDonald's mascot didn't help matters much. When the Lakers lose in the first round this year, count me unsurprised.

- I know big men are scarce in the NBA today, but was it REALLY necessary to give Nene, a guy with a heavy injury/illness record who's never been a top-2 player on his team or averaged 8 rebs/game, 14/mil a year?? Didn't we just have a lockout because of shit like this?

- Speaking of stupid contracts, Joe Dumars sealed his nosedive in complete senility last week when he spent $40million locking up his team's 3rd and 4th small forwards; Tayshaun Prince (who hasn't wanted to play in Detroit for like 5 years) and Jones Jerebko (who played pretty well for 6 months and then sat out all last year). For the record Joe, you'll be committing roughly 25% of your team's cap space next year to three reserve small forwards while your starter makes less money than all of them. It looks like Joe's trying to get himself fired, but I find it far more likely a bunch of angry Pistons fans will just put him in ICU instead.

- The Big Apple just got bigger: The Knicks have picked up Khalid El-Amin.....er, sorry Baron Davis, to shore up their pathetic backcourt. whether Baron has anything left in the tank remains to be seen, but if he can lose the In N Out addiction and his un-entitled air of accomplishment, his coupling with Tyson Chandler could take the Knicks' renaissance to yet new heights. At the very least, all the running he'll be doing in Mike D'Antoni's system should be good cardio.

- KAAAHHHHHHHHNNNN. Why did you sign JJ Barea when you already had four guards? Moreover, why did you sign JJ Barea for $20mil when you already had four guards? We knew somebody was going to overpay Barea after last year's inevitable "I'm going to play the best basketball of my career for these six weeks, sign a fat deal, then never do anything relevant again" run, but that it ended up being David Kahn couldn't have been more appropriate.

- David West also spurned Boston, in what Ray Allen called an "ego-driven" move, to sign with Indiana(right, like anyone with a fucking ego goes and plays for the Pacers). They now sport a slightly-frightening frontcourt corps (aided greatly by Mike Dunleavy no longer being a part of it), some promising young talent, and have the advantage of a solid headstart on the rebuilding effort that's sure to face many teams...Which leads us to....

THE LEAGUE IN FLUX
The ultimate effect of the lockout and its subsequent few weeks of open-market madness is that the NBA is in a state of serious transition that is sure to engulf an overwhelming majority of the league's teams. Right now, only three squads (Miami, Chicago, OKC) can safely call themselves contending teams with absolutely no reason to blow things up. Everybody else is vulnerable; that includes the Lakers, Mavs, Celtics, Spurs, Magic, Hawks, and even teams on the rise like the Knicks and Grizzlies. Plenty of other teams didn't get what they were looking for in the offseason, and still more over-rate their contention chances and feel they're "one piece away" from grabbing a Larry.O trophy that, like last year, could be anyone's. This might be most uncertain season we've ever embarked upon, and with 66 games coming in 120 days between under-prepared teams on unfamiliar schedules and regimens, with plenty of trades and free agency rumors circling like an annoying flock of shrieking vultures, things may only get crazier from here. If ever there an NBA season where "anything can happen", well this is it. Get ready to expect the unexpected.... Which is why I'm counting on the predictions I'm dropping here to blow up in my face, but oh well, what can ya do:

MVP - Lebron James. I just think he'll hungrier. He just spent a whole summer listening to people say he cost his team an NBA title, which you can trust he took much more personally than everything else he heard the summer before. Look for a serious "fuck off" statement.

DPOY - Dwight Howard. Not even gonna bother explaining this.

ROY - Kyrie Irving. Being Rookie of the Year is usually all about opportunity and how you respond to it. Irving will have plenty of opportunity now that Baron Davis is out of Cleveland and he'll have the point guard duties all to himself. There's sure to be a steep learning curve, but in a shallow class, there's no reason to bet against him.

MIP - Serge Ibaka. A lot of people like to overlook this, but Ibaka first picked up a basketball at age 18. That was three years ago. He's now one of the premiere defensive bigs in the NBA, has improved in bounds each season, and now as a full-time starter is primed to make "the leap".

6th Man - James Harden. This is a stretch, because a big part of me is convinced he'll punk Thabo Sefolosha's starting spot by the All-Star break (is there even one this year?). But most of me hopes he remains on the bench, where he's a dangerous 2nd scoring punch, who can also see minutes at the point and aptly playmake, because I think it makes the Thunder a better team, and so I look smarter.

COY - Fuck, I dunno, is Hubie Brown still coaching?

EAST PLAYOFF TEAMS - 1.Miami 2.Chicago 3.Boston 4.Indiana 5.New York 6.Atlanta 7. Philadelphia 8. Orlando

WEST PLAYOFF TEAMS - 1.OKC 2.Dallas 3.Memphis 4.LA Clippers 5.LA Lakers 6.San Antonio 7.Denver 8.Portland

EAST FINALS: Heat over Bulls
WEST FINALS: Thunder over Grizz
NBA CHAMPS: Miami Heat (let's all pray this doesn't actually happen. Last June was way too much fun)

Before I wrap this up, just wanted to offer some proper dues to a few we lost this week: Brandon Roy, who was tragically cut down in the prime of an All-Star career, Peja Stojakovic, who also retired after terrorizing perimeters all decade, and Jeff Green, the latest in a disturbing line of heart ailment suffered by NBA players, will be sidelined all season. All the best to Roy and Peja in their future endeavors, and our thoughts and wishes should be with Jeff Green and his family, that he might overcome this illness and return to the Celtics soon.

Well, sure enough, it's almost here. The regular season's tipping off in 5 days and has me sleeplessly awaiting Sunday like a giddy 5-year-old. Merry Christmas indeed everyone, enjoy the season.