The 2011 NBA Awards (or at least how they should be)

I wish I could plan an awards show for the NBA. It would kick so much ass.

I'd start by scrapping the voting process, assigning 25% of the vote value to the players, another 25% to the coaches (applying the "other team" rule), and the remaining 50% to media members, pending the results of clinical bias and GED exams (we need to weed out whoever gave Mike Bibby, Sam Cassell and PJ Brown MVP votes). Those who passed would be required to sit at the front of the crowd during a televised ceremony, and hold up their vote as the award is announced, Slam Dunk Contest-style. Everyone's accountable.

Next, rent out some sick Las Vegas venue, the MGM or something, because this is a celebration, and if you're gonna do it big, that's where you go; a bigger party makes for a more entertaining show. The invitation list would be far from exclusive; obviously all the players and staff, owners and friends, relevant celebrities, former players and superfans (I see you Nav Bhatia! ), but let anybody with the dollar who enjoys the game come be a part of it. Make this the biggest fucking party in the World; get Patron and Grey Goose to sponsor, have bars (with waterfalls) everywhere, hire a few roadies under the table to hand out illicit substances in the bathroom, dancing ladies, fireworks, the whole nine. David Stern would fire me immediately.

Obviously, EJ, Kenny and Chuck would host, with Craig Sager roaming the crowd to harass the attendees, contractually obligated to change suits every commercial break.

The show gets set off with a performance from Deadmau5, with Lupe and Kid Cudi on the mic to set a hype mood. TNT's Big 3 are introduced for a brief comedy intro (you know, where the hosts make fun of people in crowd and they pretend to find it funny 'cause they're on TV while throwing a mental hissy-fit) before getting down to business....

The evening's first two awards are given out Miss USA-style to acknowledge the All-Rookie and All-Defense teams, with the players being called onstage for recognition before the nominees get read:

All Rookie - Second Team: G-Greivis Vasquez, Grizzlies; G-Jordan Crawford, Wizards; F- Patrick Patterson, Rockets; F-Paul George, Pacers, C-Greg Monroe, Pistons

First Team: G-John Wall, Wizards; G-Landry Fields, Knicks; F-Blake Griffin, Clippers; F-Ed Davis, Raptors; C-DeMarcus Cousins, Kings

Evelope please, onto the first award...

Rookie of the Year, presented by Tim Duncan and Darko Milicic

Nominees: John Wall, Washington Wizards; DeMarcus Cousins, Sacrameto Kings; Landry Fields, New York Knicks; Greg Monroe, Detroit Pistons

Winner: Blake Griffin, LA Clippers

The crowd gives him a hearty, yet subdued ovation; one that's slightly muffled by this award having been decided in December, unlike those that so many of his electric dunks evoked. He calmly struts to the stage and accepts the award with Ray Allen-like class, thanks his teammates, family, fans, God of course (he makes no mention of his coach or owner...), formally apologizes to Gallinari and Mozgov, and tells us he's "just getting started" before popping out the mouthguard and sliding off stage.

As a tribute, Griffin's highlight reel from this season runs, beginning with a few nice finesse plays, building up with some nice transition dunks, and gradually ascending towards his truly humiliating facials (showing live reactions from his victims out in the crowd on a picture-in-picture). The hour of footage might be the most entertaining of the broadcast; it's shame it had to come so early. Oh well, on with the show...

Before DPOY, the All-Defense teams get their due:

Second Team: G- Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Andre Iguodala, Sixers; F-Luol Deng, Bulls; F-Tim Duncan, Spurs; C-Tyson Chandler, Mavs

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; F-Josh Smith, Hawks; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

Defensive Player of the Year, presented by Bill Russell

Nominees: Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics; Tyson Chandler, Dallas Mavericks; Josh Smith, Atlanta Hawks; Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Winner: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

Another landslide winner, Howard's all smiles as he hits the stage, especially giddy to be handed the trophy by the greatest defender who ever lived. He leans in to shake Russell's hand, but is met with an icy grip, and the smile quickly fades from his face as Russ shoots him a scornful glare. They awkwardly man-hug for appearances' sake, when Russ, out-of-touch with technology and unaware that his mic hears every word, whispers "Stop being so f***ing friendly to the other team. They're your enemies. And you know they get the ball back every time you needlessly swat it into the stands right?" Howard seems stunned as they part ways, Russell glaring in disdain over his shoulder as he exits stage right. Dwight, appearing shameful and sheepish for the first time in his life, says nothing and shyly saunters offstage. It's sad, but somewhat appropriate, as Howard quite literally had nobody to thank; he was the Orlando Magic's defense this season.

The mood gets lightened by some uplifting music courtesy Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg, dropping several blunts per song while they move the crowd. The atmosphere immediately improves, which is a nice interlude to the next award;

Most Improved Player, presented by the homeless dude the Cavs hired for their play-by-play

Nominees: Dorrell Wright, Golden State Warriors; LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trailblazers; Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls; Demar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors

Winner: Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

In a category that had so many worthy contenders, it took something historic to set a guy on the lowly Timberwolves apart. The place goes bananas as K-Love, wearing jeans and a "Numb#rs" t-shirt, also accepts the "Best Unathletic White Guy" and "Unlikely Fantasy Monster" awards. Several posses of nominated players begin fights in the crowd, including Master P and Lil Romeo brawling with Michael Beasley and David Kahn (who actually holds his own, landing a few solid hooks). The beef's understandable; this was a heated category, by far the toughest decision this year, but regardless of how shitty his team was, Love's leap from bench utility guy to franchise player couldn't be ignored.

The next segment honors Javale McGee, the Washington Wizards center who made it to the Dunk Contest with his fearless, irrational, and hilarious forays to the hoop, and almost won the damn thing. The big screen displays his Greatest Hits (most of which are Misses), while R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" plays gently. Everybody gets a great laugh, and Craig is of course there to embellish upon every minute of Javale's misery. (I'd be crooked not to admit that this video was entirely my buddy Potter's idea, but it had to be a part of any legitimate tribute to the NBA season)

The next musical interlude comes courtesy of Rihanna, followed by Drake; the two join forces in between for a brief medley of "Whats My Name", during which Drizzy finally breaks down tells her everyone on the planet knows her name and to please shut up.

Sixth Man of the Year, presented by Gary Sinise and Paul Giamatti

Nominees: Jason Terry, Dallas Mavericks; Jamal Crawford, Atlanta Hawks; Marcin Gortat, Orlando Magic/Phoenix Suns; George Hill, San Antonio Spurs

Winner: Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Lakers

In a year many contenders spent lots of time starting for injured teammates, Odom made the most of Andrew Bynum's annual breakdown and was a model of consistency and hard work on a Lakers' supporting cast that fluctuated all season. He's (naturally) accompanied to the stage by Ms. Kardashian (who manages to snag half the camera time), and tries to get a few thank-yous out, but has a hard time keeping a straight face amid a downpour of perfume-commercial-related verbal barbs from some buddies out in the crowd.

The mood then turns somber for a tribute to those we've lost since last season: John Wooden, Manute Bol, Lorenzen Wright, Mel Turpin, Shaquille O'Neal... a moving couple of minutes.

Coach of the Year, presented by Gene Hackman and Samuel L. Jackson

Nominees: Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs; Doug Collins, Philadelphia 76ers; George Karl, Denver Nuggets; Nate McMillan, Portland Trailblazers

Winner: Tom Thibodeau, Chicago Bulls

Thibodeau is curiously absent from the ceremony (rumored to be studying Lakers game tape), so Bulls GM John Paxson accepts the award on his behalf: "Landing Tom was a miracle for us; needless to say he worked out a little better than our last coach. He took a talented bunch of players and brought out the best in all of them, adjusted through injuries to key guys, and kept them focused on a goal that exceeded all our expectations. In his first year on the job." Couldn't have said it better.

Prior to the MVP, the All-NBA teams get some respect, being introduced in an All-Star starter-type spectacle with Kanye and Jeezy dropping "Amazing":

Third Team: G-Russell Westbrook, Thunder; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Pau Gasol, Lakers; F-LaMarcus Aldridge, Blazers; C-Al Horford, Hawks

Second Team: G-Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Kobe Bryant, Lakers; F-Kevin Durant, Thunder; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; C-Amare Stoudemire, Knicks

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Derrick Rose, Bulls; F-Lebron James, Heat; F- Dirk Nowitzki, Mavs; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

The stage then clears for the moment everyone's been waiting for...

MVP, presented by Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen

Nominees: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic; LeWyane Jade, Miami Heat; Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Winner: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

As Rose, the youngest MVP ever; clearly humbled by this honor, gets up to accept, a highly inebriated Stan Van Gundy rushes the stage and attempts to steal the trophy, screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs while security removes him. After the brief interruption, Rose says all the right things and leaves to the clicheed "MVP!" chant from the crowd; only this time its legitimacy resonates much deeper. "Why not me?" he asked back in November; seemed crazy at the time, but he backed up every bit of it; his entire team rode his swagger and poise all the way to the East's #1 seed, while he created most of their offense and played out of his mind when they needed him the most; whether during injuries to key guys or against their toughest opponents. The "rose is all in" adidas ads that have been running all night are no joke, he gave the Bulls an incredible season.

The evening concludes with David Stern making a surprise appearance onstage, thanking the fans for their ongoing support, and announcing that there won't be a lockout next season. Or at least that's how it should be.