(If you're not up date and have some time on your hands, check out Part I and Part II)
This is the top 10%; anyone who's here was a clear winner of one of the zaniest offseasons ever, so congrats to all. Without further ado...
100. Nike's New Jerseys
Clean, bold, well-received in an era where things like jerseys, logos and even court designs are hyper-analyzed. The addition of corporate logos - once a widely-feared new realm - went over very smoothly, and generates new revenue for an increasingly-progressive league.
91. Denver Nuggets
Whether or not Paul Millsap makes long-term sense for such a young team, the Nugs now have a valuable asset that lifts them cleanly into the playoff picture of a loaded West. They also score high in the upside/continuity index that benefits a roster on the come-up.
It's unclear whether Millsap himself will be enough to make their comical defense respectable, but after years of failed Kenneth Faried-based attempts to land an All-Star, Denver's done it while retaining all their assets.
82. JJ Redick
Redick's upcoming season is a perfect NSA arrangement; a fat one-year contract so he can help an upstart team hit the salary floor, have the green-light on 3s, and tap Joel Embiid for his podcast.
74. Manu Ginobili
Screw the "help-the-team" loyalty discount a-la Tim Duncan. Manu still pocketing $14 million on his new one-year deal.
67. Philadelphia 76ers
Already in the midst of inspiring progress last year, the Sixers added two #1 overall picks to the mix, while retaining the best long-term financial situation of any NBA team.
They'd be much higher if it weren't for the lingering double-edged dilemma of Joel Embiid's unreliable health and ill-timed contract extension. Inking him is the ultimate gamble; not since Bill Walton has a player shown both such immense talent and injury risk.
59. Joe Ingles
Few players will ever get as much money for accomplishing so little.
58. Cristiano Felicio
OK, maybe more than a few.
50. The Nick Young-JaVale McGee Reunion
The Ringer's Shea Serrano explains:
"I’m excited for, like, eight months into the season when Nick goes missing for two days and everyone’s in a panic but then it turns out that he and JaVale were playing a game of hide-and-seek and JaVale just forgot to look for him."
42. Kristaps Porzingis
He still plays for the Knicks so we can't put him too high, but Zinger had a pretty kick-ass summer.
First, Phil Jackson got fired for even talking about trading him, which is the best thing that's happened to the Knicks' personnel in memory. Not even recent memory, just memory period.
Not only is Porzingis now free of the triangle, but also possession czars Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose. He'll now have all the touches he wants, and can begin to test his immense ceiling as a player.
37. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope
Despite only getting one year of guaranteed money, KCP hit a solid paycheck and landed in an ideal situation for a contract year. He'll have ample touches playing with a pass-first point guard and for a player's coach, on a team set to make upward moves with few expectations.
I could be wrong, but I'm also pretty confident Caldwell-Pope was the only free agent signee who got compared to a biblical miracle by their new GM this summer.
32. Kawhi Leonard's MVP Stock
Last year's third-place finisher might be the current frontrunner for MVP, with a mob of the league's best players all nullifying each other on the same teams. There's also enough haze surrounding Cleveland's season to feel leery of the default MVP's odds.
If Kawhi does win, he'll join Michael Jordan and Hakeem Olajuwon as the only winners of the MVP-Finals MVP-DPOY triple crown (Olajuwon won all three in the same season #beast).
29. Blake Griffin
Griffin took two large W's this summer. First, Chris Paul's departure left him solo as the team's biggest star in a massive market; something that will probably matter to the brand-savvy Griffin more than most.
Better yet, one of the NBA's most often-injured players just locked up $170 million. In Griffin's case, his ailments have been usually minor, non-repeating, and occasionally self-inflicted, but anyone with his rap sheet has to be happy the ink on that contract's dry.
25. Tracy McGrady
A guy who spent a solid decade as a walking Hall of Fame debate finally gets to end the speculation.
22. Magic Johnson and Rob Pelinka
Magic someday running the Lakers just seemed like manifest destiny. You can almost picture Jerry Buss on his deathbed telling Magic: "It's all set up. I'll pass control of the team to Jimmy so he gets his inheritance and feels fulfilled. But he'll screw it up horribly and force himself to be replaced. That's where you step in... Sorry one of my call girls gave you HIV."
Meanwhile Pelinka's made gradual power moves from the Fab Five's supporting cast, to high-level NBA agent, and now GM of one of the biggest sports franchises in the world. Impressive laddering.
Because "NBA Stars Dunk and Run at Random Homes" is a real, actual headline from CNN.
19. Myles Turner and Rodney Hood's Fantasy Stock
There's gonna be a lotttt of touches to go around in Indiana and Utah this year. Bet on these guys being the prime beneficiaries.
18. Boston Celtics
Much can be said about Danny Ainge's whirlwind offseason, most of which is positive:
- He traded for a quasi-superstar
- He netted an All-Star for absolutely nothing
- He flipped a #1 overall pick and still got his target player
- He bailed on the Isaiah Thomas experience at what's looking like the perfect time
- Boston's one of the NBA's six best teams and might not have even come close to its ceiling yet
But then there's the flipside that the Celts probably overpaid for Kyrie, while fanning on Jimmy Butler and Paul George when their prices couldn't possibly have been lower. Ainge stockpiled assets masterfully, but his payout might leave something to be desired.
17. Dion Waiters
Contract-wise, by far the Most Improved Player of the NBA offseason: Waiters Island GDP is up from 2 yrs/$6 million to 4 yrs/$52million.
16. Stephen Curry
Chef Curry was cookin' everywhere this summer; from winning history's most ridiculous basketball game on a Korean TV show, to showing out at a professional golf tournament.
Meanwhile, Curry's kitchen budget got a boost with his $200 million contract, finally paid like the mega-star he is.
15. Otto Porter
Porter's uber-efficient breakout 2016-17 season netted him a max deal, underscoring the inflated market value of a solid 3 & D guy. Otto may yet grow into his contract, but is undoubtedly a beneficiary of the recent free agency spending spree. Speaking of which:
14. The 2016 & 17 Free Agent Classes
Because this pattern is financially unsustainable. When the guys who signed pre-2016 deals all expire, demand this kind of money, and the free agency market slowly crashes, the Bismack Biyombos and John Leuers of the world will only be able to sit back and smile.
13. Carmelo Anthony
Finally escaped New York, finding refuge with the best team he's ever played on. Melo's arrival in OKC allows him to chase his perpetually-elusive playoff relevance, in what's probably the end of his prime.
Better yet, it's a perfect situation for Team USA Melo to finally emerge in the NBA. Anthony is a dangerous spacing threat when not clogging the ball in the midrange. He dominated Olympic play for years in this role, and sneakily shot better than 42% on catch-n-shoot threes last year. With all the defensive confusion Russell Westbrook and Paul George will cause, there should be more open treys for Melo than ever before.
He's been set up perfectly to re-invent himself and perhaps steer his legacy in a better direction. If Hoodie Melo is any indication, that may have already begun.
12. Dwyane Wade
Distancing himself from the train wreck in Chicago was a winning move for a guy whose years of relevance as an NBA player might be numbered. But joining the Cavs and reuniting with LeBron to chase another title? I can't recall the last time a player instantly upgraded his team - and legacy potential - so significantly. #BananaBoat!
11. Los Angeles Lakers
Jimmy Buss is gone. So is Timofey Mozgov's Hindenberg of a contract, and
Also, while it may still be forecasting, the entire NBA community did spend the summer yammering about Paul George and possibly LeBron signing next year. This is the Lakers though, they could only be irrelevant for so long.
They may have missed out on Melo, but landing Chris Paul is a slam-dunk win for a team that's whiffed on superstars time and again. Credit Daryl Morey for steadily building assets while also remaining competitive, getting max return when he deployed them.
Paul and James Harden will both have to get used to sharing ball control and playmaking duties, but are set up ideally; running pick-and-rolls with Clint Capela, surrounded by an elite corps of shooters. If there's one coach who can make this work, it's Mike D'Antoni.
9. Sam Presti's Trading Acumen
Similar to players, GMs have attributes. Sitting a decade at the helm of the Thunder's front office, Presti had developed a consistent reputation as a master of the draft board, and perhaps a bit of a minus on the trade market (see: Harden, James; 2012 et al).
This was particularly problematic to the Thunder, a free-agency pariah who currently weren't bad enough for a lottery pick, and needed to pull rabbits out of hats to keep the reigning MVP in town.
But what Presti accomplished this summer was a stark antithesis to his trading track record. He landed not one but two star players for pennies on the dollar, while looking ever smarter for dumping Cameron Payne on the lowly Bulls for a king's ransom.
In the midst of reverse-engineering his reputation, Presti also swiped Melo from the rival Rockets, and gave Westbrook the assurance he needed to ink long-term. OKC's outlook can only improve if Presti's new competitive edge continues trending.
8. Tim Hardaway Jr
This year's recipient of the "Why??" Award, for the contract that was offered in the moment of most profound weakness, impulsivity, and possible intoxication.
7. Oklahoma City Thunder
Against every conceivable odd, the Thunder landed two star players for virtually nothing, and will reclaim a spot in the West's top four. Granted, it all comes with a large asterisk.
Uniting the Westbrook/George/Melo triad optimally will be tricky, and there's a solid chance their new stars could peace out next summer. The Thunder are possibly setting themselves up for yet another superstar breakup; they're like the Taylor Swift of the NBA.
Of course, locking up Russell Westbrook is a massive safety net for OKC. If the new Big 3 mesh, it's incentive for PG to reconsider his Lakers dreams, and for Melo, his best chance to be relevant on a contender. Even if they do leave, the Thunder still have an MVP to build around.
Regardless of outcomes, PG and Melo were a must-take gamble for the Thunder given the price. If the team remains together, Sam Presti's summer will go down among the trade market's greatest all-time heists.
OKC is, if nothing else, refusing to be complacent while showing strength in the trade market for perhaps the first time. For a franchise and fanbase that lost James Harden for pennies and Kevin Durant for zilch, it has to be a feel-good moment.
6. Jrue Holiday
Gifted a lavish $125 million contract in what can only be deemed an act of desperation from the Pelicans' front office. Holiday has been a consistent ailment risk since arriving in New Orleans, averaging only 51 games per season over four years.
Despite his effectiveness in that limited role, he's now paid like a star for the next half-decade. Inking such an injury-prone player for so much and so long opens the Pels up to a multitude of issues, especially given their training staff's poor track record.
As such, Holiday should've been subject to a handicapped contract, but got stacks thrown at him. His new fortune is especially lucky given how bad the market was for good point guards with checkered injury records - just ask Kyle Lowry.
5. Kevin Durant
KD absolutely crushed the NBA Offseason Social Media Sweepstakes, roasting numerous haters on Twitter, while randomly (but hilariously) picking off Adreian Payne in the crossfire.
He also ensured Golden State could keep their core together by taking a massive pay cut, a move whose true altruism is debatable but nonetheless is a huge plus for the Warriors and Durant's legend growth.
But most importantly, this offseason was Durant's Moment. He had ascended to the peak, dominated the NBA Finals, and smothered every hater in a shower of championship confetti. He clearly didn't give a flying fuck what anyone said about him. Nor should he have. Durant was untouchable this summer; the single player with the least to prove coming into this season.
4. Leslie Alexander
Buys Rockets in 1993 for $85 million. Immediately wins back-to-back titles. Enjoys hordes of Yao Ming and James Harden merchandising revenue. Sells Rockets in 2017 for $2.2 billion. Good game, sir.
3. Minnesota Timberwolves
This is how you offseason. The Jimmy Butler heist set basketball in Chicago back a half-decade. It gave the Wolves a two-way beast who creates buckets for himself that Ricky Rubio no longer will for others, and allows Andrew Wiggins to guard worse players (instead of being the NBA's most picked-on defender).
As if that weren't enough, they inked another Tom Thibodeau alum in the versatile Taj Gibson, while getting great value on the Jeff Teague signing. Add Jamal Crawford to only juice the veteran presence on what's now one of the NBA's deepest rotations.
Concerns about their spacing and shooting are overblown. While they lack 3-point marksmen, pretty much their whole rotation are average or slightly-above gunners from distance. They can play five-out capably and no longer field the NBA's worst-shooting PG duo in the Rubio/Kris Dunn two-headed monster.
Either way, the Wolves took the express elevator to NBA relevance; they should leap a good seven spots - at least - in the standings this season.
2. Lonzo Ball
Regardless of what you think about Lonzo or his inflammatory dad, he absolutely killed it this offseason.
Being drafted by his hometown Lakers sets him up to lead their rebuild while in a perfect market to grow his brand. It also enables him to be close to his mother as she recovers from a recent stroke.
The Vegas Summer League was basically the Lonzo Ball Show, where he toyed with the opposition, averaged a boisterous 16/9/7/3.5 stocks, and won both the MVP and championship. Recently it came time for training camp, where Lonzo is torching his new teammates, leading a squad of bench scrubs and rookies to an unbeaten record in scrimmages.
Ball's obvious ambitions to develop a personal brand also took flight. Lonzo was inescapable this summer; from his shoes, to his raps, to his reality TV show, and soon to be a Facebook documentary.
Even if his opinions about classic hip-hop are dubious, the mere fact that such things register as news are proof that Lonzo Ball has made it. He firmly emerged from LaVar's ominous shadow this summer, which could be considered the biggest victory of all.
1. Golden State Warriors
Everything's coming up Warriors.
This may seem like an easy way out, but even for the defending champs the Warriors had a simply incredible offseason that registered on so many levels:
Merely kicking the summer off with a championship parade is good for a strong ranking, but the Warriors weren't satisfied. Draymond Green spent the celebration mercilessly trolling the Cavs (the "Quickie" tee was pure genius) and publicly unnerving LeBron.
Next came draft night and robbing the Bulls of Jordan Bell, who spent Summer League putting on a frightening display of freakishly athletic defense that set the whole internet - and NBA - on notice.
Kevin Durant then took a 20% pay cut, immediately making him the NBA's best-value contract. The salvaged cap room enabled Golden State to give Steph Curry a much-deserved max deal while retaining their entire core of free agents - even JaVale McGee!
They signed Swaggy Mothafuckin' P.
They united the two guys responsible for one of history's greatest "Fuck You" shootouts.
Their stars were everywhere in the offseason, maintaining a pulse that permeated the NBA fandom bubble and resonated heavily in new markets and countries.
But most importantly, they served as a galvanizing force in the ongoing struggle against Trump's tempestuous tirades. The controversy surrounding their White House (dis)invitation became a lightning rod the entire World - not just the sports world, everyone - rallied around. The Warriors handled a difficult situation with class and aplomb, sending a powerful message to - like it or not - a very powerful person.
While this all happened, NBA GMs unloaded the full clip on them, pulling off innumerable blockbuster trades and signings to horde stars and rattle GSW's grip on the Larry O. Not only do none of these new "superteams" appear worthy challengers yet, the only team posing a realistic threat to the Warriors began actively decomposing.
I was recently explaining all this offseason madness to a casual-fan friend who was big into Game of Thrones: "All these teams making splashy trades and overpaying free agents in a pseudo-power struggle are basically the houses of Westeros. The Warriors are the White Walkers." And not even George RR Martin could've scripted them such an offseason.
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