Resolve This

New Year's Resolutions are an unavoidable, yet ultimately pointless part of life. We (to varying extents) obsess over our imperfections, set often unrealistic, arbitrary goals off an artificial launching pad, and grow increasingly skeptical each year when we inevitably bail on them. Even people like me, who disagree with the supposed need to align self-improvement with a new calendar, are governed by tradition; constantly reminded by ubiquitous media blurbs (and the occasional nosy relative) about why we should suddenly be becoming better people.

That being said, the NBA season offers a more practical need for these things. The New Year represents a time for resolution; not because we flipped a digit, but because the schedule's a third over, and hitting its stride; roles have been defined, rotations sorted out, and the coming weeks are where teams truly develop the kind of productive habits (and maybe a make a few well-timed moves) that will translate to a successful season...and where those that don't will be left with lottery balls. So, in keeping with tradition (and the convenient cliche that this occasion provides every sports writer), here are some NBA"New Year's" Resolutions.

Atlanta Hawks - Get used to the view. Because the Hawks might be more firmly entrenched in no-mans-land than any other team. They're a few pieces away from contending; at best fourth on the depth chart of a very shallow conference. Yet their team is still (relatively) young and financially committed; neither of which tend to invite re-building among semi-successful teams.

Boston Celtics - Rest up. Rondo, and more gravely KG going down this early (especially when they're playing this well) aren't great signs for a team that's yet to suit up Kendrick Perkins and is still working in Jermaine O'Neal. Last year, they proved to everyone that they can flatline midseason and then make a Finals run from the 4-seed, so regular season wins won't be nearly as important as full health come the spring. Their balanced attack won't force too much on any one player, so stay on cruise control and hope the injury bug's bit already.

Charlotte Bobcats - Hire Michael Jordan an assistant; somebody to be the angel on his shoulder and show him how to run an NBA team anywhere but into the ground from the front office. Make a fucking trade. Do something. This team is boring as hell and clearly a downgrade from last season. Don't dwell on how well they players they lost are doing; Larry Brown wasn't the right coach for this team, but their problems run much deeper than personnel. Trade some of their veteran talent for youth and a new identity to run with the new coach; your team hit its ceiling at 6th in the East. Time to throw the switch.

Chicago Bulls - Clear all suitcases in Carlos Boozer's path. He's been an absolute monster this year, and the most injury-prone part of a team that could scare some of the East's best at full strength. Derek Rose's pre-season Slam cover's looking awfully prophetic, and Joakim Noah was becoming a true beast even playing through a lingering injury. Just keep 'Los healthy long enough for it to all come together.

Cleveland Cavaliers - Dig deep. Honestly. This team had itself believing that they were gonna be alright in Year One A.L. They played .500 ball (good enough for the 7 seed in the East these days) through the first few weeks, scared a few good teams, and had everyone outside of JJ Hickson making solid contributions. Then Lebron waltzed back into town, reminded everyone what they were missing, and took the wind out of the entire team when he left, not-at-all-coincidentally sending them into a complete meltdown. If they can forget James and develop a sense of optimism, they'll be alright, but right now they look like fish out of water.

Dallas Mavericks - Forget the past. This looks like a much different team from the one thats been sleeping through the playoffs for the last decade; they can still score from almost anywhere, but have a newfound defensive sense that will benefit them over 7 games. When April rolls around, they won't be able to avoid the naysayers who will expect them to fold, but Cuban's Mavs finally look like they might be built to last...if the recently rejuvenated (and more recently seriously injured) Caron Butler's back in time.

Denver Nuggets - Focus. Hard as it is amid the media frenzy. At some point in the next month in a half, you're going to have to trade the most talented player to wear your team's jersey, hell arguably ever. Two teams with several attractive pieces want him very badly, and you're in a position of power. You're going to have to milke every drop out of this unfortunate circumstance (clearly you're getting nowhere near equal value), while respecting the market and not being greedy, winding up like Phoenix. Months of speculation have led up to this, so make it worthwhile.

Detroit Pistons - Do something already. Their roster is chock full of talent that, despite many misguided attempts to be awkwardly forced together, just isn't meshing. Plenty of contenders could use a player like Tayshaun or Rip, and their young talent spends too much time lost in playing time shuffles to get anything going. Joe Dumars used to be the ballsiest GM in the NBA, but after the Iverson misfire, he's been very trigger shy. He needs to free up some floor time for the guys he can't trade (Villanueva, Gordon) rather than drowning them in comparable talent.

Golden State Warriors - Be honest with yourself. Sure, the Steph Curry/Monta Ellis backcourt is an exciting proposition; they're both awesome players. But the rest of the season needs to be a sincere evaluation of not only how compatible they are, but the true extent of their surely-stratospheric trade value. The Warriors have too many shortcomings for their two most talented players to be so similar, so once Curry gets healthy, keep an eye on things.

Houston Rockets - Launch Plan B. The Rockets have been stockpiling young talent at four positions, and now with Yao Ming's career apparently over, it's detonation time. This bunch is a fringe playoff team at 100%, even with Kevin Martin scoring at the proficient rate of his career and Luis Scola taking things to the next level. There's no shortage of teams looking for the kind of affordable talent that Houston plenty of; for the first time in half a decade they can hope to build towards a franchise player who can play a full season.

Indiana Pacers - Check Roy Hibbert's asthma meds. Much of the credit for Indy's early success was attirbuted to Hibbert's newfound bounce, which he in turn attributed to the discovery of activity-induced asthma and, um....hot yoga classes. Recently, Hibbert's been on the snide health and production-wise, while the Pacers are 3-7 over their last ten. It'll take a lot to fall out of the East playoffs, but this isn't a comforting trend for Pacers fans (if they really exist).

LA Clippers - Impeach Donald Sterling. Yong superstars are hard to please these days, and the Clips have a storied history of either letting young talent walk, or creating a situation so dysfunctional that no sane person would commit to it. Meanwhile, their belated rookie is an absolute monster who's pretty much wrapped the Shawn Kemp Memorial Award and looks like the kind of player that could finally turn things around for LA's Other Team...If Sterling doesn't ruin it for everyone. He's the worst owner in the league, and not exactly looking to sell, so make a public plea before you lose a guy who already looks like the best Clipper ever.

LA Lakers - Wake the fuck up. After the Lakers slept through a Christmas Day meltdown at the hands of the suddenly hot Heat, they were drubbed again on their homecourt by the Bucks and Grizzlies, plummeting to within a half-game of fifth and appearing to have lost any swagger or hunger they still carried over the summer. This team is talented, deep, and well-coached; they're the two-time defending champs and have no excuse for playing this poorly. It's all a matter of re-gaining that mentality, and the Zen Master won't let this carry on much longer.

Memphis Grizzlies - Grow comfortable with mediocrity. Like Atlanta, they've shackled themselves financially; committing to young talent that's worth holding onto, but hardly winning much of consequence. Unlike Atlanta, they've never won a playoff series in franchise history, so this team being a prime candidate for a close playoff snub should be about par for the course.

Miami Heat - ...Do nothing? The team everyone loves to hate is giving them all the more reason. They put the shaky start to bed and now look like a serious contender, rolling everyone in their path, including the Lakershow in their much-hyped Turkey showdown. Their 3 stars are all clicking and the momentum they're riding right now seems almost unbreakable, much to the discontent of basically everyone.


Milwaukee Bucks - Take the Fear out of the Deer. The Bucks are constantly playing in headlights. That's not entirely unexpected from a Scott Skiles team (I'm still waiting for HBO special on Bucks training camp, where John Salmons breaks down in one of those confessional interviews and reveals that Skiles whips him with a belt for missed jumpers), this was entirely unexpected. Ride the recent success out West into an easier schedule and remember, although it's slightly improved, you guys still play in the Eazy-East.


Minnesota T-Wolves - Ignore the W/L column. Not only because this team has pulled out several close losses to teams they had no business beating, but because they might be the most poorly mismatched bunch of talent in the NBA, and their terrible record belies the underrated progress of their young players. Kevin Love's clearly a beast, but impressive performances from everyone to Michael Beasley down to Wesley Johnson and even Luke Ridnour suggest that this team might be a couple shrewd moves away from something significant...Although "shrewd" might be among the last words used to describe David Kahn. They'd be best not to discourage themselves further.


New Jersey Nets - Kidnap LaLa Anthony and ship her to the Galapagos Islands. Without an MTV diva in Melo's ear about NYC, it's one less thing standing between them and, let's face it, the most important goal of theirs this season. With Prokhorov's bottomless pockets and rumored mob connects, how hard can it be?


New Orleans Hornets - Keep Chris Paul's coffee fresh. As the Hornets begin to show their true colors, the rumors about Paul's "surely imminent" departure are bound to creep out of the woodwork again. There's no telling just how much of a rebuilding effort he's willing to put up with, but if they think trading for his college rival/buddy to warm his bench spot is the difference..well...might be time for a new pot.


New York Knicks - Pray this 'Melo thing works. 'Cause the speculation around this; everyone from Spike to Anthony himself saying it's a sure thing, on the heels of this summer, will not die over well if he winds up in East Rutherford, or Brooklyn, or wherever the hell the Nets are playing next year.


Oklahoma City Thunder - Don't sweat expectations. There was almost too much hype surrounding these guys preseason; people tagging them as the undisputed bridesmaids to the inevitable Lakers crown. Be honest, they're still a ways from peaking; this team has won exactly two playoff games and even with this season's baby steps, is still ahead of its time. Forget that experienced, talented teams are where they were supposed to be; they've got the talent, and the experience to put them among the elite will come quickly if they don't get frustrated and keep growing.


Orlando Magic - Find a third big man. The blitzkrieg attack the Magic have been launching since their recent blockbusters has looked a lot better than the languid mess they were previously regressing into. Brandon Bass looks like a fine starting 4 in their system. But the onus they'll be putting on D12 in a physical 7 game series just got a lot bigger, especially against the onimous Celtics. The Arenas move shouldn't be their last.


Philadelphia 76ers - Trade Andre Iguodala now. He's having a sub-par season that's more easily blamed on your crappy offense the less it persists. Thaddeus Young is a less expensive alternative who creates mismatches against virtually every opposing 3 and always produces when injuries to Philly's overpaid frontcourt free him up. Oh yeah, and the team's awful; has been for years. Mix it up already.


Phoenix Suns - Resign yourselves to the same fate as the Grizz; an early playoff exit or a late lottery pick. Purgatory sucks doesn't it.


Portland Trailblazers - Fire your fucking trainer, if it wasn't already done a long time ago.


Sacramento Kings - Do something with your frontcourt. It's a mess. They have equally talented players who don't complement each other well at all, fighting for minutes at all spots. Jason Thompson sees most of his minutes out of position at the 3. Carl Landry never gets the consistent floor time to develop the rhythym he had in Houston. This team gets lumped in with Minny and Detroit among bottom dwellers who would give themselves a much better chance this season if they'd stop squatting on such incompatible talent.


San Antonio Spurs - Trust everything Gregg Popovich tells you. This especially applies to his notion that a good start in a conference full of underperforming (and unhealthy) teams is bad for them, but also to generally anything he says. If Gregg Popovich told me he was Jesus reincarnated, I'd feel inclined to believe him.

Toronto Raptors - Play defense; if that doesn't work (and it likely won't), trade for players that do. It's like a broken "Party in the USA" record, repetitive and annoying. The Raps can't seem to bolster their roster with enough defensive toughness to offset their liabilities. Now armed with maybe the League's best expiring deal, they can look to land something functional.

Utah Jazz - Win the West. Because it's not out of reach and probably the only thing they can do to get Jerry Sloan the Coach of the Year award he shamefully hasn't won yet.

Washington Wizards - Convince Javale Mcgee and Andray Blatche to grow the f*** up. Anger management, boot camp, Nanny 911, whatever they need. After ridding themselves of Gilbert, Washington's new resident headcases have been causing problems all year. Sad part is, they're two the the NBA's most promising young bigs; but maturity seems hard to come by in DC.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season; more importantly good luck getting back to real life. See y'all on the weekend.