The term "facial" has taken on a rather loose meaning since its inception as a pre-Botox cosmetic treatment to smooth wrinkles and cleanse the skin.
Depending on who you ask, it could mean anything from a re-styling from the shoulders-up to an adult film shower on a (potentially) unsuspecting victim.
Ask any basketball fan, and the first thing that comes to mind (other than Tori Black) is a vicious assault on a (potentially) unsuspecting victim of a totally different variety: The Poster Shot.
We pray for it every game we watch: some lumbering lummox to be caught off-guard by an athletic skywalker who's beaten his man and is streaking to the hoop like an Aston on the Autobahn. They put in a valiant effort: defending their team's goal like the last man at the Alamo (ok, enough with the "A" similes), only to wind up permanently seared into our memories and on YouTube (and now, in this blog) as casualties of the Greatest Facials:
...Ok, honesty time, I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to cut some of these out and just can't, so before we get down to the Top 9, here's a rather extensive Honorable Mention: (writing this was basically just an excuse for me to watch a bunch of demoralizing dunks, so I might as well share the experience)
Dwyane Wade on Anderson Varejao
Andy Varejao has had an extremely effective, underrated NBA career. He does all the gritty things that help a team win without demanding touches while always playing his ass off. Parcel and package with this of course, is cagey defense that plays heavily to the refs and has led to many accusations of flopping, or as Varejao puts it, "I don't flop, I Samba". Regardless, the NBA has put rules in place this year to crack down on excessive flopping, but Dwyane Wade seemed to have his own solution years ago: (rule of note: a facial is automatically anywhere between 15-30% better if Marv Albert is commentating)
Kevin Johnson on Hakeem Olajuwon
KJ was always an courageous player; one who battled through early failures in his career and numerous injuries to help lead the Suns to several deep playoff runs as a premiere point guard among a cast that resembled today's talent-packed quarterbacks. Even beyond his playing days, he ran a successful mayoral campaign in Sacramento, and is now fighting the League's bureaucratic bullshit to keep the Kings in town. But perhaps nothing took more ambition than this baseline foray against the greatest shot-blocker of the modern era, that took a surprising turn for Olajuwon.
Taj Gibson on Dwyane Wade
Gibson always had the kind of dynamic, athletic talent that would lend himself well to the evolving NBA game. He can defend multiple positions, score, rebound, and unleash the occasional monster dunk. He was all set to blossom in Chicago as part of an emerging Bulls core, until they dumped Carlos Boozer enough money to buy Western Samoa, forcing Gibson to the bench behind him and Bulls fans to plead for Amnesty. Unfortunately for Dwyane Wade, this also meant that Gibson's frustration mounted every time Boozer would botch a defensive assignment, trot casually by the bench downcourt or force an awkward baseline jumper. He felt the need to deliver not-so-subtle reminders of what he was capable of, and the occasional monster dunk just had that added little something to it.
Lebron James on Kevin Garnett
The Celtics always seemed to have Lebron's number while he was in wine & gold, but even if for one brief moment, he completely and utterly owned them.
Vince Carter on Alonzo Mourning
Vince was always a frustrating player that casually toyed with otherworldly talents and left the fans constantly asking for more: "Why aren't you playing defense?", "Why are you just shooting jumpers all the time?", "Are you actually just not trying until the Raptors trade you?...For real?...Aw, C'mon Mannnnn". His time in New Jersey was par for the course: lots of scoring and All-Star appearances, sparse playoff victories. Even less frequent were his demolitions of elite shot-blockers, which when you witness below, just makes you wonder "Why?".
Scottie Pippen on Patrick Ewing
Patrick Ewing had a pretty rough career. He had to deal with the expectation of being the first ever Draft Lottery prize and resurrecting a proud basketball tradition under rabid fans and a raging media. He had to deal with immense pressure. He had to deal with papier-maché knees. He had to deal with Michael Jordan. Well, 1994 came around, and Jordan had dominated Ewing (and everybody else) to the point where he felt basketball had nothing left to offer him, and suddenly there was this window of hope that the Bulls could be beaten. Although they eventually succeeded in toppling their rivals while Jordan was smashing dingers, Scottie Pippen was not about to go down without a fight, as this visceral reminder shows.
Blake Griffin, et al
We've all seen these. We could all stand to again.
9. Tracy McGrady on Shawn Bradley
No list of Top Facials would be complete without a nod to Shawn Bradley; the human birch tree that seemed to be getting banged on every time we turned around. Of all the abuse Bradley endured over the years, none was more malicious than this particular attack, where Tracy McGrady (perhaps frustrated by his perpetual inability to win a playoff series) displayed emotion for the one time in his career, breaking furiously baseline and riding poor Bradley to the hoop like a pony at the carnival. McGrady didn't make it out of this first round - or any other - but will live on in the annals of NBA cult lore as the guy who did Shawn Bradley the worst.
8. Baron Davis on Andrei Kirilenko
Certain dunks are about so much more than the play itself. Pippen's cram on Ewing encapsulated the intensity of a bitter playoff rivalry, compacting all the emotion of an entire series' aura into a single play that perfectly defined it. Consider this the 2K remix: the Warriors were a brash, loud, free-wheeling team that played like they were defending home court at Venice Beach and had just rode their aggressive swagger to an upset of the #1-seeded defending champs that drove the Bay Area into a completely ballistic frenzy. Laying in their path was a boring team of mostly white dudes from a city of Mormons, who were for some reason called the Jazz. Shit was about to go down. (note the "Sound Level Meter" not only existing, but hitting 100+)
7. Corey Brewer on Derek Fisher
Thoughts going through Derek Fisher's head as he collects himself from the basket support: (in order)
"Am I dead?"
"Let's never try that again."
"Maybe I should remove SportsCenter from Tivo record..."
6. Dominique Wilkins on Larry Bird
Borrowed from Bill Simmons' epic The Book of Basketball : "During the '87 season, Larry Legend made the mistake of challenging 'Nique on a fast break and got dunked on so violently that the momentum sent him sprawling into the basket support like he had been struck by a car. This nearly caused a bigger Atlanta riot than the bomb that spoiled the '96 Olympics. People went berserk. they almost charged the court."
5. Kobe Bryant on Dwight Howard
The announcers make reference to Kobe's foot being hurt, but the only thing ailing after this crowning was Dwight's ego.
4. Tom Chambers on Mark Jackson
So many things are awesome about this dunk:
- Tom Chambers is an anglo-saxon, and therefore not one you'd expect to do something like this
- Tom Chambers looks like a supporting character from an 80's action movie
- Tom Chambers found a glitch in the Law of Gravity, and humbly chose not to accept his Nobel Prize
- Most of you have probably never heard of Tom Chambers
3. Michael Jordan on Patrick Ewing
No single play better epitomizes Jordan's oppressive dominance of the Knicks than this hallowed murking from the '91 ECF that set professional basketball in New York back far enough that it hasn't recovered yet. The Knicks threw everything they could at Jordan, and he was just too fucking good. Ewing was brave in his efforts to protect the hoop with all his knees would give him, but as was so often the case with MJ, resistance was futile. Poor old Patrick hadn't even been served by Scottie yet.
2. Shawn Kemp on the Golden State Warriors
Before cocaine, alcohol, Jim McIlvaine's contract and pro basketball in Cleveland turned him into a whale among men, Shawn Kemp was the most feared high-flying assassin in the NBA, routinely humbling those who dared to step between him and an NBA Jam moment. Things got particularly devastating in the '92 playoffs for the front line of the Golden State Warriors; first Kemp set a still-standing professional basketball record by being the only player to cram an opponent hard enough to get props from him (as Chris Gatling obliged). But the respect didn't seem to be enough, as that was only a set-up for the immortal Lister Blister.
1. Vince Carter over Frederic Weis
You all knew this was going to be here. Really, it's just beyond words ("He jumped over his HEAD!"), so enjoy the French commentary. And the view.
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