Top 9s: Greatest Facials

The term "facial" has taken on a rather loose meaning since its inception as a pre-Botox cosmetic treatment to smooth wrinkles and cleanse the skin.

Depending on who you ask, it could mean anything from a re-styling from the shoulders-up to an adult film shower on a (potentially) unsuspecting victim.

Ask any basketball fan, and the first thing that comes to mind (other than Tori Black) is a vicious assault on a (potentially) unsuspecting victim of a totally different variety: The Poster Shot.

We pray for it every game we watch: some lumbering lummox to be caught off-guard by an athletic skywalker who's beaten his man and is streaking to the hoop like an Aston on the Autobahn. They put in a valiant effort: defending their team's goal like the last man at the Alamo (ok, enough with the "A" similes), only to wind up permanently seared into our memories and on YouTube (and now, in this blog) as casualties of the Greatest Facials:

...Ok, honesty time, I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to cut some of these out and just can't, so before we get down to the Top 9, here's a rather extensive Honorable Mention: (writing this was basically just an excuse for me to watch a bunch of demoralizing dunks, so I might as well share the experience)

Dwyane Wade on Anderson Varejao

Andy Varejao has had an extremely effective, underrated NBA career. He does all the gritty things that help a team win without demanding touches while always playing his ass off. Parcel and package with this of course, is cagey defense that plays heavily to the refs and has led to many accusations of flopping, or as Varejao puts it, "I don't flop, I Samba". Regardless, the NBA has put rules in place this year to crack down on excessive flopping, but Dwyane Wade seemed to have his own solution years ago: (rule of note: a facial is automatically anywhere between 15-30% better if Marv Albert is commentating)




Kevin Johnson on Hakeem Olajuwon

KJ was always an courageous player; one who battled through early failures in his career and numerous injuries to help lead the Suns to several deep playoff runs as a premiere point guard among a cast that resembled today's talent-packed quarterbacks. Even beyond his playing days, he ran a successful mayoral campaign in Sacramento, and is now fighting the League's bureaucratic bullshit to keep the Kings in town. But perhaps nothing took more ambition than this baseline foray against the greatest shot-blocker of the modern era, that took a surprising turn for Olajuwon.



Taj Gibson on Dwyane Wade

Gibson always had the kind of dynamic, athletic talent that would lend himself well to the evolving NBA game. He can defend multiple positions, score, rebound, and unleash the occasional monster dunk. He was all set to blossom in Chicago as part of an emerging Bulls core, until they dumped Carlos Boozer enough money to buy Western Samoa, forcing Gibson to the bench behind him and Bulls fans to plead for Amnesty. Unfortunately for Dwyane Wade, this also meant that Gibson's frustration mounted every time Boozer would botch a defensive assignment, trot casually by the bench downcourt or force an awkward baseline jumper. He felt the need to deliver not-so-subtle reminders of what he was capable of, and the occasional monster dunk just had that added little something to it.



Lebron James on Kevin Garnett

The Celtics always seemed to have Lebron's number while he was in wine & gold, but even if for one brief moment, he completely and utterly owned them.



Vince Carter on Alonzo Mourning


Vince was always a frustrating player that casually toyed with otherworldly talents and left the fans constantly asking for more: "Why aren't you playing defense?", "Why are you just shooting jumpers all the time?", "Are you actually just not trying until the Raptors trade you?...For real?...Aw, C'mon Mannnnn". His time in New Jersey was par for the course: lots of scoring and All-Star appearances, sparse playoff victories. Even less frequent were his demolitions of elite shot-blockers, which when you witness below, just makes you wonder "Why?".


 Scottie Pippen on Patrick Ewing 

Patrick Ewing had a pretty rough career. He had to deal with the expectation of being the first ever Draft Lottery prize and resurrecting a proud basketball tradition under rabid fans and a raging media. He had to deal with immense pressure. He had to deal with papier-maché knees. He had to deal with Michael Jordan. Well, 1994 came around, and Jordan had dominated Ewing (and everybody else) to the point where he felt basketball had nothing left to offer him, and suddenly there was this window of hope that the Bulls could be beaten. Although they eventually succeeded in toppling their rivals while Jordan was smashing dingers, Scottie Pippen was not about to go down without a fight, as this visceral reminder shows.



Blake Griffin, et al

We've all seen these. We could all stand to again.




9. Tracy  McGrady on Shawn Bradley

No list of Top Facials would be complete without a nod to Shawn Bradley; the human birch tree that seemed to be getting banged on every time we turned around. Of all the abuse Bradley endured over the years, none was more malicious than this particular attack, where Tracy McGrady (perhaps frustrated by his perpetual inability to win a playoff series) displayed emotion for the one time in his career, breaking furiously baseline and riding poor Bradley to the hoop like a pony at the carnival. McGrady didn't make it out of this first round - or any other - but will live on in the annals of NBA cult lore as the guy who did Shawn Bradley the worst.




8. Baron Davis on Andrei Kirilenko

Certain dunks are about so much more than the play itself. Pippen's cram on Ewing encapsulated the intensity of a bitter playoff rivalry, compacting all the emotion of an entire series' aura into a single play that perfectly defined it. Consider this the 2K remix: the Warriors were a brash, loud, free-wheeling team that played like they were defending home court at Venice Beach and had just rode their aggressive swagger to an upset of the #1-seeded defending champs that drove the Bay Area into a completely ballistic frenzy. Laying in their path was a boring team of mostly white dudes from a city of Mormons, who were for some reason called the Jazz. Shit was about to go down. (note the "Sound Level Meter" not only existing, but hitting 100+)

 
 7. Corey Brewer on Derek Fisher

Thoughts going through Derek Fisher's head as he collects himself from the basket support: (in order)
"Am I dead?"
"Let's never try that again."
"Maybe I should remove SportsCenter from Tivo record..."
 
  6. Dominique Wilkins on Larry Bird

Borrowed from Bill Simmons' epic The Book of Basketball : "During the '87 season, Larry Legend made the mistake of challenging 'Nique on a fast break and got dunked on so violently that the momentum sent him sprawling into the basket support like he had been struck by a car. This nearly caused a bigger Atlanta riot than the bomb that spoiled the '96 Olympics. People went berserk. they almost charged the court."


5. Kobe Bryant on Dwight Howard

The announcers make reference to Kobe's foot being hurt, but the only thing ailing after this crowning was Dwight's ego.

4. Tom Chambers on Mark Jackson
So many things are awesome about this dunk:

- Tom Chambers is an anglo-saxon, and therefore not one you'd expect to do something like this
- Tom Chambers looks like a supporting character from an 80's action movie
- Tom Chambers found a glitch in the Law of Gravity, and humbly chose not to accept his Nobel Prize
- Most of you have probably never heard of Tom Chambers
 
3. Michael Jordan on Patrick Ewing
No single play better epitomizes Jordan's oppressive dominance of the Knicks than this hallowed murking from the '91 ECF that set professional basketball in New York back far enough that it hasn't recovered yet. The Knicks threw everything they could at Jordan, and he was just too fucking good. Ewing was brave in his efforts to protect the hoop with all his knees would give him, but as was so often the case with MJ, resistance was futile. Poor old Patrick hadn't even been served by Scottie yet.
2. Shawn Kemp on the Golden State Warriors

Before cocaine, alcohol, Jim McIlvaine's contract and pro basketball in Cleveland turned him into a whale among men, Shawn Kemp was the most feared high-flying assassin in the NBA, routinely humbling those who dared to step between him and an NBA Jam moment. Things got particularly devastating in the '92 playoffs for the front line of the Golden State Warriors; first Kemp set a still-standing professional basketball record by being the only player to cram an opponent hard enough to get props from him (as Chris Gatling obliged). But the respect didn't seem to be enough, as that was only a set-up for the immortal Lister Blister.







1. Vince Carter over Frederic Weis

You all knew this was going to be here. Really, it's just beyond words ("He jumped over his HEAD!"), so enjoy the French commentary. And the view.

Top 9s - Show and Prove

Welcome to Banter's newest feature: Top 9s.

The temptation to rank players, teams, events, dunks, plays or whatever else is almost inescapable for anyone with a brain and an opinion. I also happen to have an outlet, a boredom problem, and suffer from separation anxiety between early June and late October, so I figured having some rankings on here to pass time and spark discussion every now and then wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Why the Top 9? Well, it's just a 9.

Coming into every NBA season, there's players with something to prove: a spot in the NBA to secure, a starting job to battle for, a contract year to put on for. But some stakes are even higher; reputations, legacies: historical shit, not only for the players themselves, but sometimes they carry the weight of entire franchises and the expectations of countless fans on their shoulders. This adds another compelling layer to the NBA's dynamic story and lets us see who's truly made of fire underneath it all. So without further ado, the first edition of Top 9s: The Most to Prove This Season

9. Jeremy Lin

Seems like a logical place to start. Lin's flash in the pan last season caught the NBA's entire stove on fire and made a World-wide celebrity of a player who was out of work just weeks earlier. His controversial offseason departure from the team he'd briefly resurrected - something about a grown billionaire holding an insecure grudge like an 11 year-old girl - not only landed him on a new squad suddenly bereft of talent, but promised to make him a very rich man relative to his NBA accomplishments. We've seen plenty of guys go on tears for crappy teams and disappear before (the name Ronald Murray comes to mind) but Lin flipped the script involuntarily. When Houston inked him that back-loaded offer sheet, they promised to make him a poster boy for the League's spending issues, but when James Dolan felt spited and refused to match (which was just monumentally stupid. I know it's a lot of money, but this guy just made your team over twice the amount you're going to pay him over the next three years. In two months. Get over yourself.) Lin became a focal point of whatever the hell Houston's got going on this season. If he keeps up his level of play from last season, he'll easily be the best player on their team, put talks of his contract to rest, and ensure James Dolan get less of it. But it's that "if" part that has everyone wondering...

8. Zach Randolph

Last season was an absolute disaster for the Grizzlies. They came into 2012 with serious playoff ambitions for the first time in their franchise's history, and Randolph was being celebrated as the NBA's most lethal low-post threat. Well, Z-Bo tore his MCL and missed 37 games, throwing Memphis' season into a flux that set a dubious record along the way to putting the words "playoff disappointment" in a Grizzlies fan's vocabulary. After returning, Randolph wasn't his same self. Part of this was due to Memphis' inability to align him offensively with Rudy Gay, but also that Randolph tends to put on a rather convincing Yokozuna impersonation when sedentary. The months on the shelf made it harder to regain his form, being rushed back into the lineup in time for the playoffs. Reports from apparently reliable sources point to Randolph now being fully healed from the injury, and carrying around several less pounds than last year, which is sure to be easier on his legs. He'll have to be healthy and motivated to re-assert himself on the level he did in 2011, which the Grizzlies need wholly if they want to get back on the right end of playoff dream-crashing.

7. Deron Williams

Time was, a lot of people in the know considered Deron Williams the best point guard in the NBA. "Time" seems like an eternity ago, but this "was" around 2009 and since then, not only has the League's overall point guard talent blown up like the Gangnam Style video, but Williams has spent time on some very questionable teams, not to mention the wrong end of a feud that apparently ended Jerry Sloan's career (seriously, we're talking a 23-year tenure in a field where the average life expectancy of a position is worse than a hemophiliac wrapped in barbed wire in a shark tank - must've been some deep shit). Now that the Nets have found a new home with Deron locked into a long-term deal, they can start to build towards the lofty goals their celebrated owner has set for them, with Williams steering the ship. A lot of eyes will be on Brooklyn; they've been much-ballyhooed over everything from their flashy new arena, to their owner's ambitious 5-year title plan, to their attempt to resurrect a borough and revitalize The Mecca's basketball scene. And I also remember reading somewhere that Jay-Z's involved with the team apparently? Sounds cool. With the ante as high as it possibly could be for a team in a new city, a lot of it will rest of D-Will's shoulders after Dwight didn't happen and the team overpaid for the rest of its roster. If ever there was a time to boldly re-claim his status on the shaky PG totem pole, it's now.

6. Kobe Bryant

Regardless of how much he accomplishes in his storied career, Kobe's more or less a formality on this list. He's spent the past 15 years cultivating a niche as by far the most polarizing figure in the NBA (you hear that so much it becomes trite) by giving puritans, underdogs and most casual fans every reason to hate him, while spellbinding others with undeniable talent, bulletproof work ethic, and an indomitable love for the game. This season is the same story: coming off an inevitably-much-scrutinized 6th place showing in ESPN's #NBArank, Bryant will have to adjust his Bieber-like usage rate from last season and mesh his offensive tyranny with the Lakers' new arrivals if they hope to live up to the hype surrounding them. As his legacy would dictate, most of the skeptics' questions surround his role: "Will Kobe be OK with Nash controlling the tempo?", "How's he going to react when his shots get cut in half?", "Is the Staples Center locker room big enough for his and Dwight's ego?", "He's not the man anymore. He won't like it." But, as is perpetually the case with Kobe, no matter how he addresses these issues this season, you can count on there being more for him to face.

5. James Harden
In most cases, having a career year where you exceeded lofty expectations and won the 6th Man of the Year award would put you far away from having anything to prove. I use the word "you" because, unless you're James Harden, this hasn't happened to you. Setting the tone for this contradiction was Small Game James's complete dud of a Finals: put bluntly, he played by far his worst ball of the season when it mattered the most. As if that weren't enough, he spent the offseason watching free agents get thrown money like GMs were drunken, insecure recent Bellagio jackpot winners at the Spearmint Rhino, and demanded his own max money, driving a very awkward curveball into the Thunder's long-lingering long-term financial dilemma. Playing in a small market, with two max deals already on their roster (at least they extended Ibaka before he played himself into that conversation) Harden's threatened a divide in Sam Presti's plan to keep this young core together. He's currently a fringe max player at best (at least in anything even vaguely resembling a sustainable economic model) and Presti could get heaps in return from a team more able fork over the money Small Game James is seeking. The future of the Thunder's composition could very well lie on Harden's play this season, and whether he proves himself too valuable to lose.

4. Roy Hibbert

As you've probably figured out by now, the words "max deal" are being tossed around the NBA these days like "swag" and "YOLO" are by hip-hop wannabes, nowhere more evident than in Indiana, where ascribed All-Star Hibbert (who for argument's sake posted career bests of 12.8/8.8 last year, offering a defensive presence that, while valuable, was at-most 4th best among East centers) will be raking in as much money as he possibly can next season. The obvious questions are 1. "Does he deserve it?" and more importantly, 2. "Does this completely screw over the Pacers?" Neither can really be answered right now, because Hibbert is still only 25, has improved very dramatically over the past two years, and from all skills, conditioning, and attitude perspectives seems bound to continue. But the Pacers aren't prime candidates to bite the luxury tax bullet, and now have a ton of money tied up in Hibbert, while having made no significant upgrades this offseason. This means it'll up to guys like breakout-ready Paul George, and more so the dude this paragraph's about, to take Indiana further in a conference where they almost beat the NBA champs last spring, but have seemingly regressed against the competition up top.

3. John Wall
It was all too good to be true. Wall showed almost too much potential, his athletic ability was so far ahead of its time when he was drafted. He was Derrick Rose, only faster end-to-end; a perfect palette with which to paint a legendary point guard. Something had to go wrong. Enter the Washington Wizards. Enter Andray Blatche. Enter Nick Young. Enter Javale McGee. Rather than let his quarterbacking talents blossom, Wall was a relative daycare employee, and after a promising rookie campaign, hit a serious sophomore slump last season. Fortunately for him, the headaches appear to be gone; the immature mess that once marred the Wiz's roster has been replaced by stable veterans down low, and given way to another promising young gun (3rd pick Bradley Beal) to share Wall's backcourt. All the pieces appear to be in place for him to get back on the path to superstardom, but sometimes it's the immense amount of talent that's so difficult to harness. John Wall has all the potential in the World, but along with the possibilities, comes the potential for so much to go wrong.

2. Carmelo Anthony
Carmelo Anthony and Lebron James have been on very contrasting NBA journeys since their once-storied rivalry as high school and NBA rookie phenoms. Their stories met again this past year, linking up as Olympic teammates and putting on clinics as the US took the expected Gold. They face yet another indirect crossing as they return: in the same season James took himself from clear first to dead last (as in the entire League) on this list, Melo's inability to win became a popular topic among hoops pundits who wondered if he'd ever make the leap from hardcourt gunner to transcendent winner; be the Slim Charles of the NBA game (he's from B-More after all). Now almost a decade into his career with 0 Finals appearances under his belt, Anthony will be under the microscope like never before; his Olympic outbursts and triumph are fresh in everyone's minds, but we've all known he was a World-class scorer from Day One. What remains to be seen is everything else: Can he defend? Can he defer? Can he make those around him better? And, obviously, Can he win? Your move, Melo.

1. Dwight Howard
I'm sorta out of words at this point, not because I have a hard time justifying this slot or had a Writer's Block dropped on me, but there's really nothing more to be said about Dwight Howard that hasn't over the past 18 months. To sum things up for anyone who might be a new NBA fan or is simply nauseous from all the bullshit: Howard demanded a trade from Orlando, publicly denied it, then publicly confirmed, then denied it again (shit, who even really knows), mailed in all of last season, got his coach fired, attempted to model the team in his own image, got his GM fired when that didn't work, all the while acting immaturely in the media and with a lack of transparency that sabotaged his team's ability to move him effectively, so that when they ultimately were forced to, they got completely and utterly shafted. To say that he's humiliated the NBA would be a minor understatement, surely substantiating every negative stereotype about professional athletes held by the conservative public. The bad news for Dwight is that he's got a lot of making-up to do in the eyes of basketball fans. The good news for Dwight is that he landed in the proverbial Pot of (Purple and) Gold at the end of this shit-rainbow: he's on a team that's seriously threatening to take the NBA by storm, and as still the most dominant center in the League, he'll be right in the eye of it. Cue up "All Eyez on Me" and enjoy your season.