I dunno about you guys, but I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth this morning. Not the kind of "I forgot to brush my teeth last night" bitter, or even "too much stout draught" bitter, but "I watched the dunk contest die right in front of me" bitter. It didn't help matters that the audio was drowned out by some drunk lady belting out sub-par karaoke at my favorite watering hole, but even without the imitation Cyndi Lauper in the background, it was a disgusting display.
The Dunk Contest has been mired in a downward spiral for years now; a lethal mix of superstar reluctance and inane league rules have reduced what was once one of All-Star Weekend's most exciting draws (some would argue its marquee event) into a sad, mangled bastardization. We've seen many pathetic attempts to revive it, but based on the dud that was fired up last night, the A's a long way from getting their act together and restoring the glory days. Here's 10 things they might wanna look into:
10. Set the Mood - Kill the lights. Add some pyro. Bang a few club anthems. Hell, maybe even bring back the drumroll. Last night's contest reminded me of a Monday afternoon; no ambience, no excitement. Judging from the throw-downs, I wasn't the only one who wasn't feelin' it.
9. Fuck the Fans - I know it's just the League trying to reach out and keep fans involved, but these are the same idiots who voted AI as a starter this year. They clearly don't know what the hell's going on. Plus we're never gonna get to see that iconic wide-angle shot of the judges all raising 10s after someone throws down some niceness that clearly ends the proceedings.
8. Legalize Solo Flights - I'm still not sure why the League insists that participants include a teammate on one of their first round attempts, but this serves no constructive purpose whatsoever. If a player wants to catch a lob from his buddy, let him make that choice, don't force another shackle onto a contest whose essence (creativity) has already been stymied (more on that in a second...)
7. Ban Nate Robinson for Life - Perhaps most damning of the Dunk Contest's fall from grace is that a pint-sized cheerleader, who despite his undeniable athleticism and showmanship takes an average of 5 attempts to put one down, is now its most decorated champion ever.
6. Impeach Lebron - If I'm the commish, and the most celebrated, athletically gifted player under my rule openly declared his candidacy for the dunk contest, only to back-out quicker than Melo in a brawl, I'd be pissed enough to send him a Stern letter, informing him that he won't be allowed to win an NBA title until he delivers on that bold remark. If you want to restore the star factor (sorry Gerald, you don't count) to the contest, he'd be the Pied Piper.
5. Slash the Shot Clock - 2 minutes to put one down? Sorry, this is just wrong. No wonder we've had to sit through insufferable epic meltdowns of players trying desperately to finish a dunk 20 times (..and then having them win..). Giving players 30 seconds or so would force them to be realistic and on point; any dunk's better when it goes down the first time.
4. Kill the Fun Police - Five years ago, Josh Smith wanted to bring Paul Wall out and windmill over him. Clearly would've been the greatest dunk ever, but apparently this wasn't allowed. But it's ok for Dwight and Nate to don superhero outfits and turn the contest into a stupid gimmick? Again, let the dunkers decide what they want to do. Hell, let Rudy Gay clear the 3-6 Mafia from the foul line next year. You want hype? get better dunkers involved. Wanna get better dunkers involved? Reassure them this is THEIR contest.
3. Let Everyone Play - Enough with this invite-only crap. Limiting the field to four contestants chosen by the NBA is restricting and pretentious. If some young cat thinks he can show us something exciting, why not? Allowing players to declare their own entry would only open up more possibilities. You think James White wouldn't have entered at least once?
2. Lose the Dunk-In - The latest in a long line of forced attempts to spice up the Contest; all this dos is force a worthy participant to waste a nice dunk (there are only so many...) just to punch his ticket. In the worst-case scenario, you could have a guy like Eric Gordon, who isn't much of a flashy dunker to begin with, struggling to throw down during halftime of a game he's playing in?? Come on...
1. Put Some Real Money Up - First prize in the Dunk Contest is 35 grand. Not a bad check to be cut for a half hour's work, but to NBA players this is little to be excited about. Now suppose the purse got upped to 1 million (which the League can clearly afford with little hesitation), not only is there an instant buzz created (maybe big enough to get some big names involved), but young, athletic showmen might be inclined to go all-out, chasing the realistic prospect of making more cheddar on All-Star saturday than through a whole season on the league minimum. Regardless how big the ripple, you create interest and get people caring about the contest...because after last night it's becoming very hard to do.
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