Things Done Changed...

Every now and then, sudden and illogical absences arise at the worst of times; Jordan spent a year of his prime on his Field of Dreams. Family Guy got cancelled when it was just getting started. And, on a much more inconsequential level, I fucked off Banter for the last three weeks, a stretch that covered the Trade Deadline, All-Star Weekend, and a whole bunch of important games that are shaping the playoff picture as the season winds down. While I wish I could consistently devote more time to this thing, partying, poker, school-related procrastination, and (clearly) watching ball have been ruling me, and the time to rant about the NBA for free on a website that like 5 people read isn't always found.

Timing was never my strong suit, and a whooooole lot done changed over the past couple weeks. The Passion of the Carmelo came to an end the only way Spike Lee could see it. Jerry Sloan got his revenge on Deron. Blake Griffin somehow managed to underwhelm us in the Dunk Contest. Boston did the un-thinkable and shook up their core. All the Lakers shook was some rust, and look like the contenders we always knew they were. The Heat can't beat the elite (I guess some things actually don't change), and Derrick Rose straight up took the MVP trophy from Lebron on national TV. Hell, the Blazers are suddenly healthy and the Cavs could sweep the season series from the Knicks. It's a vastly altered landscape, one marked by uncertainty; only fitting for a League potentially headed into a lockout. Here's a quick recap of the chaos: the Top 10 moments from the past three weeks.

10. Craig Sager on All-Star Friday Night

TNT's sideline vet, infamous for his shamelessly tasteless attire, wore somewhat normal clothing in LA this year, but made up for the muted suit by providing several hilarious moments, first when he took the Ben Roethlisberger approach to interrogating Carmelo Anthony about his ongoing trade drama, then drawing some much-unneeded publicity to the plight of embattled rookie DeMarcus Cousins (..you know, the guy who beat up his teammate for icing him out on the last possession of a game) while giving John Wall the MVP trophy. The NBA: Where Awkwardness Happens!

9. Rupaul's Softer Side

Admit it, you laughed a bitwhen you heard Chris Bosh - the same guy who has a mild seizure when he hits big baskets and sees fit to talk shit to Kevin Durant - broke down and wept in the locker room after the Heat blew yet another lead to a good team on national TV. 

8. The Dunk Contest: upgraded from "critical" to "stable" condition

Say what you will about the car dunk and the seemingly pre-odrained outcome and DeRozan being robbed like the bank in Heat (I will, I thought it was pretty fucking lame), the Dunk Contest was twenty-thousand times better than last year. The excitement was contagious, and even as The Highlight Clip struggled to duplicate his in-game exploits, the dunkers all came with imaginative, high-concept attempts that were even impressive after five botched attempts. That the contest came down to a leaked Kia commercial was unfortunate, but we saw enough hype to bring the contest off life support. We probably won't ever see Lebron, but at least we were spared Brandon Jennings....and Nate.

7. Gilbert Arenas (insert joke about "'open firing") on Miami

So much was important about Agent Zero channeling his '07 self and scorching Miami last week. We saw Gilbert come out of his shell and have a relevant big game for the first time in three years. We saw Orlando stick it to their cross-state rivals and re-assert themselves as threats in the East. We saw the Heat melt themselves, losing a massive lead in a statement game, dropping them to a pitiful 1-8 (soon to be 1-9) against the NBA's top teams. Suddenly, Miami was exposed, the panic button was within reach, players were on the verge of tears...The likelihood of a Gilbert Arenas 3-point barrage being the turning point of Miami's season might have ranked right up there with Jerry Sloan quitting. Which brings us to...

6. Miami's Meltdown

The Heat are in full-out crisis mode again, and since nobody's memory is faint enough to forget their lame-ass, boisterous welcome party last July, everybody outside of South Beach is enjoying it. Just when Lebron was starting to convince some people he was still MVP-worthy alongside Bosh and Wade, the Heat dropped four in a row - including national TV games against top East foes - and brought in a whole new wave of doubts regarding their title aspirations. Wade and Lebron STILL aren't really clicking in the halfcourt. Mike Miller's turned out to be completely useless. And they're a stunning .100 against top competition. This was not what anyone had in mind.

5. Danny Ainge's Massive Balls

Trading a piece of a title contender's core is very risky move. Doing so when your team's core is as close-knit and revenge-hungry as Boston's, and at the risk of pissing off Kevin Garnett, demands immense testicular fortitude. Ainge shipping Perkins to OKC was the ultimate dice roll on a team that's leading the East despite not being fully healthy all year. It doesn't make sense because Boston's core chemistry was unrivaled by any other team in pro sports, because Perkins could protect the rim against Wade, Lebron and Rose and defend Dwight Howard better than anyone in the league, and because, well, they're leading the East despite not being healthy all year. It also makes a lot of sense because Boston was 4 deep in serviceable big men, gained depth and versatility (not to mention a player with much more upside), and (to hush those concerned about the O'Neals' durability) was arguably a Perkins injury away from a title last year. But the balls to pull it off...

4. Derrick Rose: Your 2011 NBA MVP

Sorry, I know a lot of people have plenty of reasons why he shouldn't win it, but barring the most dramatic turnaround ever from Orlando or Miami (and I'm talking them winning every game for the rest of the season), Rose is going to be the MVP. The icing was his cold dismissal of Miami's comeback attempt on Sunday, literally making them cry as he stole their 2-seed in the East. Rose is playing lights-out and saving his best games for big opponents, has a healthy team for the first time all year and has people who know things realistically talking about Chicago winning the conference. Actually. Give me a list of reasons why he shouldn't be MVP, I'll give you a bigger one for your guy, and an offer to wager any amount of money that Rose won't falter enough down the stretch to lose his grip.

3. LA Completely Ruining San Antonio

All season, the Lakers and Spurs were on opposite courses; one cruising beyond expectations while the other insulted them and drifted listlessly. Still, there was this lurking feeling that the Lakers were going to wake up and Sunday it happened, when the defending champs blew out their biggest threat on their home floor. It wasn't even close; a loud statement from a team who's apparently not set to roll over. Better yet, it was by far the Spurs' worst loss of the season, and the first sign of them faltering in a very long time. Those who predicted their eventual collapse are clearing their throats, but San Antonio still has a cushy lead in the West and enough time to rest their aging stars for a playoff run. Let's not get ahead of ourselves - the Spurs break our hearts every time we do - but the Champs are here.

2. The Return of the East

Used the be the West was running s*** in the NBA. The deadline delivery of two superstars to rebuilding Eastern teams was the latest in a series of moves that's beginning to restore some geographic equilibrium. While the East still lacks the depth and competitive balance of the West, its top tier is making the contender conversation two-sided again, sporting as many as four legit threats depending on who you ask. The Melo and Deron acquisitions highlight the urgency of the other teams to keep up and if it can light a flame under the likes of Michael Jordan and Bryan Colangelo, we might not be calling it the Leastern for too much longer.

1. Officially never having to hear the term 'Melo-Drama again

Well, it's over. The latest in a long line of Knicks-related soap operas that consumed headlines ever since Miami's big free agency score finally ended when Carmelo Anthony finally forced his way through to the Big Apple. It was fucking painful. The months of speculation, the sad attempts to feign loyalty and nonchalance, the media shitstorm because this involved a team from New York, the uncertainty that unjustly plagued an emerging team and a coach who just defeated cancer to put up with this crap. The Knicks now have their man and are a Chris Paul theft away from making everyone forget about Lebron signing with Miami, but more importantly, the latest stupid NBA media saga is beyond us, let us rejoice, and enjoy the rest of the season.

The Importance of Being Earnest: Why Chris Bosh Deserves the Hate

February 17, 2011 will go down as a date of infamy in the relatively meaningless annals of Canadian NBA history; the date yet another franchise player who betrayed his franchise returned amongst greater talent and downed the lowly Raptors on their home floor. He was booed all night; a tradition a legion of increasingly bitter Toronto fans have become accustomed to bestowing upon their departed stars. But alas, no revenge was exacted, Chris Bosh got the last laugh, and likely will continue to...

The issue with Bosh is obviously whether he deserves it ("it" being either the merciless booing or his comfortable new surroundings, or both, whatever spin you wanna put on it). Many feel as though he sold Toronto out and quit on the team, while some still insist he gave them seven seasons of top-notch basketball and did what he could for a horribly inadequate franchise. While he gave the Raptors some great years, there's no denying that Bosh - for all the hateful scorn directed at a certain teammate of his - might've been the biggest disgrace this past offseason with his free agency departure.

Let's be honest with ourselves: Chris Bosh had absolutely no intention of re-signing with Toronto. He admitted as much during the free agent process, and likely never did. If I were a gambling man (and I definitely am) I'd put better odds on the Pacers winning a title this year or Shane Battier getting one of those Birdman turtleneck tattoos. With all the cap money being cleared and potential dynasties in the making, why would any sane person? As much as I love Canada, from Bosh's perspective, he'd be re-upping in a cold-ass, rainy, snowy abyss on a different dollar under a shitty team that had trouble attracting stars and was even worse at surrounding them with cohesive talent, and even worse at handling them when the situation eventually dissolved. Yeah, didn't make sense to me either.

With that in mind, if Bosh was really the devoted, honest, hard-working Franchise player many made him out to be (and some still do) shouldn't he have made his intentions clear? Rather than playing up Toronto and being ambiguous in the media, wouldn't a Franchise player do what's best for the franchise and be honest with the GM? (and don't give me any of that "Bosh isn't a Franchise player crap. He won't ever be on a contender, but he was a high draft pick they built around for years, far and away the best player on their team. He was a franchise player, just not for a very good one) A certain amount of responsibility comes with that tag, and it wouldn't have been very hard for Bosh to privately meet with Bryan Colangelo last January, tell him "Look, our team sucks, I love this city and we gave it our best shot, but I don't want to spend my prime struggling to make the playoffs in the shallowest conference ever. You should call around with some offers."

A real man would've done that. Instead, Bosh facaded about, tuned out of games down the stretch, and capped off a forgettable season for the Raps by missing a wide-open tip-in that would've booked them a playoff ticket (that he actually did them a favor by allowing them to draft Ed Davis instead of being swept by Cleveland is beside the point). Once the season was over, the show was just starting. The opening act was a series of idiotic Twitter posts, asking fans where he should go and making vague attempts to sound deep and focused that came across as shallow and distracted. Bosh then hired a camera crew to document his free agent courtship (you know, because CHRIS BOSH is such a big fucking deal), wasting the time, money and hope of numerous teams, most notably Toronto, only to later reveal that the had made his mind up about Miami earlier and he just thought "the attention was nice". What a fucking mutt. His summer antics showed a new side of Bosh; the spotlight shone on him brighter than ever before and it exposed his true colors, forcing us to wonder if he ever really was that stand-up guy he made himself out to be all those years. Leaving the sub-par team that breathed life into your NBA career is one thing; but doing it in the dishonest, pretentious and simply cowardly manner that Bosh did deserves every "boo" and "Ru-Paul" chant that rained down on him last night.

The situation gets complicated by the horrible points of reference Raptors fans have when analyzing Bosh's departure. Damon Stoudemire went all Towelie on us and (perhaps rightfully) started demanding an out when the Raps couldn't crack the 20-win barrier. Tracy McGrady was a selfish idiot and decided he'd rather play in Grant Hill's shadow than his own cousin's...And Vince? Well, there's really no need in pouring more salt on that wound...Every star player Toronto's ever had (with the possible exception of Marcus Camby) has made an unceremonious exit that the front office handled absolutely horribly. That precedent might've made it easy for Bosh to do what he did, but doesn't excuse it at all.

Things are only further complicated by the repeated ineptitude of Toronto's front office, regardless of who's running it, when dealing with unhappy superstars. Regardless of the Raps' nice run in January, they were peaking at 5th in the East, nowhere near homecourt and clearly not the contender Bosh was willing to commit to. It should've been obvious that he'd get a more enticing offer, regardless of the extra money Toronto could give him, and he needed to be moved before the deadline. Colangelo clearly fucked that one up, but at least part of the blame also needs to lie on Bosh for his apparent content with the team and the city. He portrayed himself in a manner that likely made the Raps' GM favor trying to re-sign him over trading him for 60 cents on the dollar. His mind and his actions spoke in different tongues, and spoke volumes about who Chris Bosh really is.

When it's all said and done, Bosh might accomplish enough with Miami to have future generations remember him as something else than Canadians do right now. Every time the Heat visit the ACC, we'll be treated to more boos than an Usher/Alicia Keya collabo, "RuPaul" chants and "Two and a Half Men" signs. Every fan in the building will go home with a hoarse throat, which will almost never be exacerbated by celebration. Bosh and the Heat stung Toronto last night, despite 38 points from Bargnani and the most spirited effort the team's put forth in a very long time. These fans keep seeing stars leave, and keep booing them when they return almost as much as they can cheer for their own team. It's becoming a very depressing basketball culture, one that sees its fans get the last laugh even less than we see Lady Gaga do something normal. The Raps need to make drastic changes and at least give them something to smile about soon; bad contracts, no experience, and even less defense are maiming their prospects for redemption.

Lakers at Celtics: Live on Basketball Banter

A little while back, the Celtics and Lakers squared off in a much-anticipated rematch of last year's NBA Finals. The Lakers (for the most part) didn't show up, making for an anti-climactic fourth quarter collapse, and a fortunate twist that I got sick and didn't waste two hours doing live game notes. Well, with a re-match less than two weeks later, and LA looking for redemption, it seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up. They're going through the starters right now, so let's get involved:

- With two treys tonight, Ray Allen will pass Reggie Miller as the NBA's all-time leader.... Who's on the mic for TNT tonight? Yup. This is gonna be fun.

- Kobe comes out looking to get Gasol the ball in the paint on two straight possessions; maybe he learned a lesson last time out.

- Meanwhile, Allen's been spending a conspicuous amount of time inside the arc, where here's 2/3 early

- Ray's first three.....rims out. The crowd sighs, Reggie can breathe again.

- Bynum tips the ball to himself off a jump ball...no whistle. Good to see the refs bringing their A game to a high-profile national TV game.

- Craig Sager sighting; navy suede with a matching tie over a striped shirt. It's only about a 2 on the Craig Sager Ugly Suit scale, he's been stepping his game up a bit lately.

- LA's working the ball into Bynum regularly and he looks a lot more comfortable then last game, even against Boston's feared front line.

- My buddy Kevin does some quick math and drops the slightly appalling tidbit that the Celtics' rotation have missed 151 games this year, and still have the best record in the East. Wow.

- Allen for 3...aaaaand boom goes the dynamite! The crowd goes nuts, and Ray goes for the record ten seconds later on a broken play and bricks. 15 years in, he's shooting a career high from 3, and is showing little sign of slowing down physically. When you consider that Jason Kidd is currently third in 3's made (seriously) this one might be out of reach for a while.

- Kendrick Perkins thinks he's comfortable off a good feed from Allen and gets humbled by Bynum, winning the inside battle so far.

- Ray gets the feed on a fast break, nobody within 10 feet, lets loose, everyone in the World knows history's about to happen....Iciest record ever. Reggie calls him over on the next dead ball and salutes him, saying it couldn't have happened to a better guy; more than a touch of class, which is fitting towards a guy who might be the classiest NBA player out there. Congrats, Ray.

- Boston's rode Ray's hot hand to a 27-20 lead after the first, and Allen gets his PA moment, complete with a Standing O and (of course) TV time for Ray Allen's Mom.

- The audio's getting cut for a while for my roommates' drinking tunes. We'll be without Reggie's sultry tones for the next hour or so.

- LA's inside assault continues, with Ron Artest (!) muscling his way inside for an and-one.

- Glen Davis counters with his own and-one, and touchdown celebration, though no one was injured by his saliva.

- The Lakers are still only shooting inside the key with Bryant on the bench, although making nothing and trailing by 13 with 10 left in he second....So on the ensuing play, a penetrate-and-kick leads to a Shannon Brown trey.

- Brown gets a little trigger happy and fires a bad three, but gets bailed out by an errant Nate Robinson foul; the kind of play he figured to make more since coming to Boston. The camera pans over to Doc just in time for his head to hit his lap.

- If you thought you'd never see Von Wafer absolutely own Ron Artest defensively on the low block, consider yourself mistaken.

- LA's working the ball inside-out and outside-in, but can't (as Chick Hearn would say) throw a grape in the ocean. Bynum and Gasol are the only ones doing anything offensively.

- Ray Allen's killing it; throwing down a one-hander off a trailing feed from Rondo on a fast break off LA's 54th turnover.

- Kobe's still in Playmaker Mode, slicing through 3 defenders and feeding Gasol, who gets mugged on a dunk. LA's reluctance to back down against Boston's grimey post D is impressive.

- Boston finally coughs the ball up and gives Shannon Brown a chance to make his case for Dunk Contest inclusion.

- Rondo finds himself wide open 2 feet behind the foul line, and second-guesses before throwing up a brick over a crashing Derek Fisher. He who hesitates... (or he who has a suspect jumper..)

- Fisher then weaves into the key for a short floater, doing his best Rondo impersonation to pull LA within 5.

- Pierce beasts a layup inside off a nice Rondo feed to close the half, sending Boston into the break up 53-45. Ray's appropriately leading all scorers with 14. Kobe has....3, while Bynum and Gasol have 24 on 9 of 15.

- Moment of Silence for Jerry Sloan; his resignation has to be the most unforseen and unfortunate development in a season that's been full of them. Sloan going out mid-season like this is like Luke Ridnour winning the Dunk Contest or Greg Oden going a full 82. With the Jazz unraveling and Deron Williams pissed, things weren't working, but it seemed like it;d take far worse to shatter the longest coaching tenure in pro sports, outlasting 154 NBA coaches.

- Right now, I'm listening to crappy indie rock instead of whatever Charles has to say about Ray Allen's historic night and the "photos" of him with Lindsay Lohan being flashed on screen. The boys can't go to the bar soon enough.

- Kobe's in attack mode, slicing into the lane for two easy buckets and feeding Gasol for an open jumper: tie game early in the third.

- Kobe picks up a double-T (travel, technical), but stays in attack mode, sending Ray to the bench with his fourth foul, then leaving Wafer on a nasty turnaround to bring LA within one.

- Bynum Smash! The kid keeps making his presence felt inside, LA has their first lead since the game's first minute, 63-60.

- Paul Pierce gets left open from 18, while boys are trying to find footage of him tossing a Crip sign at Al Horford on YouTube, which he apparently got fined 25 Gs for.

- Speaking of gangs, Pierce is unloading on the Lakers right now, burying another three to put Boston back ahead by one.

- Lamar Odom tips in a Pau miss, then turns around and runs right into him. They butt heads, sending both players stumbling to the bench, Lamar for some cut work. Maybe that'll knock enough sense into him to not do anymore perfume commercials.....TNT then flashes back to the havoc Gasol unleashed on KG's head last weekend, Lamar still got off easy.

- I don't care how lame Just Go With It looks, I really hope it's a hit. As long as crappy romantic comedies are being made, Brooklyn Decker should be in more of them.

- The fourth starts with Lamar banging a trey to put LA up seven, fresh off his stitches and rocking an even more awkward bandage than KG after his Gasol encounter.

- Kobe's on the bench and LA's rolling, up 7 with 10 to play.

- Bynum (predictably) falls asleep on D and lets Perkins roam in for a thunderous dunk to stop the bleeding.

- Ray's peeling more 3's now, but (the feared crunch-time tag team of) Steve Blake and Shannon Brown hook up on a nice backdoor play to keep distance. With the bench mob still riding into the 6th minute, LA's doing everything they didn't do in the Fourth last time around: moving on offense, boxing out, putting the ball in the basket. Boston's reeling and Kobe and Pau are about to come back fresh....

- Odom strips Garnett off an inbound and Bryant comes out in Mamba mode, icing Allen with the same turnaround fadeaway he grilled Wafer with. Clearly feeling the rest he just got, Bryant buries another jumper, strips Pierce, then blows by Allen for a tough layup over Big Baby. For a guy whose knee is "almost bone-on-bone" (just the thought of that makes me cringe) he's doing alright.

- LA's holding court on D, forcing some tough attempts from the best-shooting team in the NBA. They aren't getting the looks they want, as evidenced by a Rondo 18-footer being their first field goal in a couple minutes.

- After a failed Boston fast break, Kobe vacuums Boston's front line under the hoop and serves Gasol the easiest hoop of his career.

- Boston trails by seven with a buck-thirty left...Rajon Rondo at the line. Celtics fans, this isn't looking good.

- Odom with the grand hustle, chases down an offensive board he had no business getting, leading to a Bryant iso, where he abuses Allen again and ices what looks like the dagger - LA up 8 with :48 to go.

- Book it: 92-86 Lakers. So in their last meeting, LA fell apart in the fourth when the supporting cast shat the bed and Kobe tried to take over, forcing a bunch of terrible shots and taking his entire team out of the game. Tonight played out slightly differently to say the least. It was a big game: the culmination of Ray Allen's endless three-point blitzkriegs, and perhaps the turning point of LA's season: they went on the road and beat a team that recently broke them down, toughing out an impressive win against their biggest rival after a string of questionable performances.

"The Secret" Nobody Told LA

Yesterday marked two important milestones in the NBA season; the return of marquee Sunday afternoon matchups, and the first rematch of last June's Finals between the league's most storied franchises. To celebrate the occasion, I'd planned on tossing up some Game Notes: a roundtable of various observations (related to both basketball, and other stuff, like Brooklyn Decker) throughout the game from myself and the other hoops heads that frequent my living room; a fresh take on one of the regular season's most important games.

Instead, thanks to dubious decision to abuse my body for a good time's sake at the onset of a nasty flu-like illness, I spent the entire weekend buried in a cocoon of blankets, writhing in a cold sweat and sounding like a living, (hardly) breathing Mucinex ad. It was tough enough to keep my eyes open and enjoy the game; so I can only imagine how unbelievably shitty the Notes would've been.

The silver lining to my misery is that it's saved you from reading a column that would inevitably lead to the same conclusions that have been flooding the internet since the the buzzer sounded. LA's fourth-quarter meltdown can be blamed on (among many other things: a) the lack of fortitude from the Lakers' supporting cast and b) Kobe Bryant's consequent decision to force every shot down the stretch, regardless of how many defenders swarmed him, or teammates stood open in awe of his horrible shot selection. But rather than point out the obvious, I'm going to draw on a little help from Bill Simmons and Isiah Thomas to illustrate a deeper point (the parts in italics that follow are from Simmons' The Book of Basketball, which should be mandatory reading for any NBA fan. In fact, if you don't already own it, stop reading this right now and go buy it, you won't regret the time or $40 invested)

As the story goes, Simmons was down in Vegas; a carefully choreographed "business trip" that (somehow) found him several drinks deep at the Wynn's aquatic blackjack tables. A chance encounter with Knicks announcer Gus Johnson led to an invitation to join his table - along with Thomas. This was slightly problematic for Simmons, who had recently been far from tactful in a series of columns that openly bashed Thomas' job performance, culminating in an fictional piece entitled "The Atrocious GM Summit", at which Isiah was the headline speaker. This had unnerved the Knicks' embattled front office leader to the point of publicly threatening physical violence against Simmons, so he politely shunned the invitation in an attempt to avoid the Itchy and Scratchy-esque visions in his head.

Johnson insisted on trying to smooth the situation over, and to make a long story short (and for the sake of not ruining all the hilarious details for when you all inevitably read the book) Simmons wound up being invited over and settling his differences with Zeke; Thomas appreciated his apology, respected his candor and knowledge, and soon, bitter enemies were becoming best buds, soaking in the aura of expensive booze and one of Vegas' most scenic topless pools (ah, the wonders a little social lubrication can do).

As the conversation gradually shifted from Isiah trying to rationalize how he was running the Knicks into the ground, Simmons built up the courage to ask about "The Secret", something Isiah had hinted at way back in '89 when he was on the cusp of his first title:

"It's not about physical skills. Goes far beyond that...the only way our team would rise to the top would be by mental skills, not size or talent...by watching the Celtics and Lakers, because those were the teams winning year in and year out. I also looked at Seattle, who won one year, and Houston, who got to the Finals one year. They both self-destructed the next year. Some how come? I read Pat Riley's book Show Time and he talks about "the disease of more". A team wins it one year and the next year every player wants more minutes, more money, more shots. And it kills them...but it's hard not to be selfish. The art of winning is complicated by statistics, which for us becomes money."

"Look at our team statistically. We're one of the worst teams in the league...But I kept looking at the won-loss record and how we kept improving and I kept saying to myself, Isiah, you're doing the right thing, so be stubborn and one day people will find a different way to judge a player. They won't just pick up the newspaper and say, oh, this guy was 9 for 12 with 8 rebounds so he was the best player in the game. Lots of times, on our team, you can't tell who the best player in the game was. 'Cause everybody did something good. That's what makes us so good. The other team has to worry about stopping eight or nine people instead of two or three. It's the ony way to win."

Although Isiah alluded to it, he never outright told anyone what the secret was (at least not publicly) until Simmons put him on the spot and found out the truth: "It's not about basketball". What the fuck?

Thomas went on to tell Simmons about the truth behind the '89 trade that shipped former All-Star Adrian Dantley for Mark Agguire; who meshed better with his teammates and allowed for defensive demon Dennis Rodman to see more unprotested court time, which added to Detroit's versatility. Dantley's presence was detracting from the team when he'd complain about Rodman eating his minutes and carry a shady disposition that ruined morale. The Pistons got rid of him (almost) entirely to preserve their chemistry, and they won the first of back-to-back titles four months later.

They key point was that Detroit was not only a deep, versatile roster that beat on opponents with tough defense and relentless synergy, but that what really made those Pistons teams special was their focused and cohesive mentality; as Simmons puts it: (the championship team) prevailed because it got along and everyone committed themselves to their roles. That's what Detroit needed to do, and that's why Dantley had to go".

Fast-forward a couple decades, and we're left with yesterday's losers; the Champs who appear to be on the verge of that self-destruction Thomas spotted in Seattle and Houston. Their issues have been many; present all year, yet this is a team who's been to the Finals three straight years; these aren't necessarily basketball issues. But then, remember, it's not about basketball.

It's about Pau's incessant bitching. It's about Ron Artest having the most ineffective season of his career, confounding his teammates. It's about Kobe's completely unmatched work ethic and respect for the game; the exalted attributes that cause him to look down on his inferior surroundings and try to take over, which with rare exception, makes them a worse team. It's about Andrew Bynum being so perpetually injured that he can't be counted on consistently, while other bodies log extra mileage in his absence. It's these things and more that clearly indicate nobody's filled the Lakers in on "The Secret".

Meanwhile, it's obvious that several years ago, KG broke into Isiah's place, tied him up, and beat The Secret out of him with a lead pipe. Boston's (relatively) healthy and firing on all cylinders, playing the kind of focused, team-attack basketball that wins titles. And they're doing it on a team with tons of star power, with virtually everybody playing an undersized role, and still nobody complains; everybody shows up. Hell, they made a solid bench contributor out of Nate Robinson. They're sacrificing for the sake of the team; something LA was miles away from yesterday, befelled by poor basketball that was deeply rooted - not in a lack of ability - but in their flawed concepts of championship mentality.

As talented as they are, and as brilliant a coach as Phil Jackson is, yesterday (hell, for most of the season) the Lakers were been playing far below their ability as a basketball team. Hopefully they can clue in that's not really about basketball after all.

Your REAL 2011 All-Stars

Let's face facts: the All-Star voting process is a joke. It starts with the fans: yeah, the ones who voted AI in last year (and Yao every year); the ones who clearly, for the most part, have no fucking clue what's going on. It continues with the coaches: the ones who toss votes at guys who torched their teams because of mismatches and who ignore the obvious merits of good players in favor of good teams, the ones who, to a lesser extent, have no fucking clue what's going on (I'm looking at you, Rambis). It's even further constrained by position restrictions on bench players; ones that ensure that every year, at least 2 or 3 undeserving players will be annointed 'All-Stars' by exemption...and only adding to the list of deserving snubs.

So here's the 24 guys who deserve to be there; the ones who have been the best players in the NBA this year (while respecting the League's right to still mandate backup centers). Not the ones who play roles on the best teams, but the ones who have, through a combination of excellence and relevance, defined this season.

EAST STARTERS

G - Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

In a game where there's sure to be lots of debate about selections, this spot is a rare lock. Rose has been a monster this year; abbrasively assaulting so-called "defenses" while keeping the Bulls near the top of the East amid key injuries. The best-scoring PG in the league and early MVP hopeful.

G - Rajon Rondo, Boston Celtics

Without question the most dominant non-scorer in the NBA, Rondo's taken his already unfathomable improvement to new heights this year, racking up Stockton numbers in assists while providing transcendant defense and excellent rebounding. He's even starting to ice his jumper more comfortably, which is a truly frightening development...

F - Lebron James, Miami Heat

The Hometown Hero's now the Twisted Villain, but regardless of his public persona 180, James has remained the game's most feared player, and had the Heat coasting until his recent injury. Some still claim he's MVP-worthy (hard to justify with two others playing so well) but there's no question; he has to be here.

F - Amar'e Stoudemire, New York Knicks

While the MVP talk has hushed with the Knicks' recent struggles, Stoudemire has remained a top-notch scorer and sudden defensive presence who has contributed most heavily to New York's return to respectability. Not to mention, his pairing with James and Howard in the frontcourt makes for an alley-oop tandem that could only be topped if Blake got traded East.

C - Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

A sudden explosion of quality East big men might make for more deserving reserves, but Dwight's starting spot is far from being challenged; only a season-ending injury could keep him out of this spot and let's face it; that's not ever going to happen.

THE BENCH MOB

G - Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Wade's been everything he has expected to be when Miami's Superfriends joined forces. While Miami's no longer solely looked upon as "his team", he's clearly still a no-brainer for this game on star power and reputation, if not for another year of All-NBA production.

G/F - Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics

Seems kind of dramatic, but it needs to be done. All three of these guys are having amazingly efficient a productive seasons for the team that's still leading the East despite more injuries than any playoff contender. Allen has been one of the most clutch and effective scorers in the League, while Garnett's regained his legs and looks like his '07 self, and Pierce still has barely lost a step.

C - Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks

While the Hawks' general play this year has been nebulous, Horford has served as a model of consistency and toughness; arguably their best player. He might be the quietest All-Star ever, but his play has been remarkably efficient and absent of the mental lapses and cold streaks that have troubled Atlanta.

Wild Card - Chris Bosh, Miami Heat

He's sure to be accused of riding coattails to this spot, but Bosh was an All-Star long ago (some would say since the Jurassic) and has been even more of a contributor to Miami's recent success than many figured him to be.

Wild Card - Carlos Boozer, Chicago Bulls

I feel like a Loozer putting two ower forwards at each of the spare spots, but in a conference as shallow and top-heavy as the East, it's hard to deny 'Los when he's been a complete monster for a top-3 team when the other two teams have 3 and 4 players on this squad.

THE SNUB SQUAD

Raymond Felton, New York Knicks

Felton's career year has surpassed even the lofty expectations of those who expected him to excel in D'Antoni's open system. He's putting up ridiculous numbers night after night, and probably would've had Boozer's spot if New York had kept up their December play.

Joe Johnson, Atlanta Hawks

Johnson got overpaid last summer, then came back underperforming. Can't say this any better than Bill Simmons, so I'll let him handle it: "This would be a reputation pick. Like when you start watching an Ed Norton movie you've never heard of on cable just because Ed Norton was starring in it. And if Ed Norton was making $120 million to be in the movie." Sorry Joe.

Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers

The former All-Star's seen his scoring dip for a Pacers squad that's struggled to keep up with their early hot start and slid out of the playoff bracket. In a year when many forwards are making a strong case for the "good player, shitty team" nod, Granger's failed to plead much.

WEST STARTERS

G - Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets

He has to be here, in a very deep pool of West guards; not only because Paul is (no disrespect) the best point guard in the NBA, he has the Hornets in the thick of the West, with trade and relocation rumors swirling. The continued overachivement of this Hornets team is testament to just how much better he makes them.

G - Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers

Despite the Lakers' minor turbulence and Bryant's injury concerns, he's remained one of the game's most automatic players; a lethal scorer who can toy with defenses as a playmaker and locks down anyone he faces. He leads the defending champs, who are hosting the All-Star game, and hasn't come off the bench in a decade, no time to demote him now.

F - Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder

Durant's early-season troubles were quickly rectified as he began filling up buckets at a league-leading rate. Expectations on him and his team may have been a tad lofty this year, and defensive toughness might be the key to both, but KD's spot here is unquestioned.

F - Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Garnett got traded, Duncan got old, but Dirk still lurks in the West as a threat to eat the starting spots of deserving would-bes. Before he got hurt, Dallas was one of the best teams in the league and he was an MVP candidate. Now that his team's shown how bad they are without him, he's solidified this spot, still, after all these years.

C - Pau Gasol, LA Lakers

Pau may have slid back to his natural 4 spot, but spent enough time dominating as a center in the early season to merit this spot over, well...to put things into perspective, the second-leading vote getter among centers in the West (after Yao) is Pau's often-injured and clearly-inferior teammate, Andrew Bynum. Clearly, an exception must be made.

THE BENCH MOB

G - Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder

Westbrook's blown up; like most of the World Champion USA squad, he returned this year with boosted confidence and polished skills. Unlike most of the squad, he's become a triple-double machine who's also put his name in the MVP conversation, and was a very close snub as a starter.

G - Deron Williams, Utah Jazz

The Jazz have been somewhat of an enigma; very talented, not exactly shallow, well-coached underachievers. The one thing keeping them afloat has been Williams' stellar play; those who call him the league's best PG have a legit claim.

F - Blake Griffin, LA Clippers

Yup. I don't care how poorly the Clippers started. Griffin's been the most exciting -and simply the best - rookie we've seen in a long, long time. As soon as he toppled the rookie wall, his team began rallying around his dominant play and merciless Youtube classics; he beasted any opposition. If he isn't a part of this game, it'll be one of the coldest (and stupidest...you know it'll be good for the game) snubs of all time.

F - Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

...But what about Melo? Meh, he's (predictably) drifted in and out of attack mode while his trade drama plays out. All Love's done is make nights like 25/18 look redundant, redefining dominance on the glass while banging 3's at a steady clip and passing better than any West big man East of Gasol. Again, let's not penalize him for playing on the NBA's most dysfunctional team; his play has raised eyebrows league-wide, all season in spite of the Wolves' struggles.

Wild Card - LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trailblazers

That the Blazers are still breathing in the West now that Greg Oden and Brandon Roy's careers are on very thin ice can be blamed principally on Aldridge raising his play to the upper echelon of big men. This team got decimated by injuries, and robbed of the guy that usually saves them, they might've found their new franchise guy.

Wild Card - Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs

Ok, so I've got some explaining to do here. The team on top of the West and on pace for 70 wins (and yet to hit their patented late-season stride) has only one All-Star. Sounds weird, but the Spurs' success this year might be the ultimate testament to the success of cohesive, balanced teams, certainly the best we've seen since the '04 Pistons. Timmy D has been a shadow of his former self, while Pretty Tony can't make much of a case against his competition for the guard spots. Manu gets the nod as their best all-around player; though him being the only one still seems odd.

THE SNUB SQUAD

Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs

See Above.

Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets

Again, see above. Got ahead of myself I guess.

Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns

This one hurts; Nash has been his usual self this season, but the Suns, sans Amar'e now look like lottery fodder and have people screaming "rebuild"....And people were wondering how Stoudemire would fare after the breakup.

Zach Randolph, Memphis Grizzlies; Monta Ellis, Golden State Warriors

Two very talented players who are simply victims of circumstance: they play on mediocre teams in an extremely talented conference where deserving players are a dime a dozen. Maybe all those trade rumors will fall through and we'll have a better chance of seeing them next year.

Advanced apologies to the many deserving players who will be watching from the sidelines after the fans and coaches are done mangling this roster. Let's hope they get it right for the most part.

...And Now For Some Fake Awards...

Tooooonight, coming to you live from a dingy living room in Halifax, Nova Scotia, it's the Halftime Edition of the 2011 Basketball Banter Awards! We've got plenty of trophies to hand out, so let's get into it; grab your popcorn and enjoy the show.

The Justin Bieber Award - Lebron James, Miami Heat: Goes to the player who's been everywhere for the past year, and could honestly use some down time.

Ok, so I know he's the most amazing/most celebrated/most hated player in the NBA right now. That's cool. He delivers a lot of horses to the engine that powers the league's media image. That being said, the press's complete marination in the Heat, and specifically Lebron, has been sickening. Lebron's Twitter account is becoming like Facebook's MiniFeed; information that I don't need to know (or give a fuck about) being served to me unavoidably. This is clearly what Lebron wants; he's embracing his role as the villain because he loves the attention. Let's try not to indulge him so much.

Regards to: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh

The Simmons BeautyRest Award - Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia 76ers: Goes to the player who's having an awesome season and being totally slept on.

Lost in all the crowded MIP talk is Holiday, the second-year point who's showing maturity beyond his years in quarterbacking the Sixers' dysfunctional offense. I brag enough about the benefits of League Pass, but being able to see young emerging players on crappy teams that would never make national TV is among the best. Holiday fits the bill as a creative playmaker who can also fill the basket, as he is often charged with on the offensively-challenged 76ers. His play is unheralded largely because Philly's bordering on Most Irrelevant status; only copping TV time on the wrong end of highlight reels. Only hoop addicts, fantasy buffs and Sixers fans know how nice this guy is, but it shouldn't be long before he forces people to wake up.

Regards to: Wesley Matthews, Al Horford, Arron Afflalo

The Canibus Award - JJ Hickson, Cleveland Cavaliers: Goes to the player who was supposed to blow up this year, and instead has failed to make much of himself.

Hickson had it all this year: Loads of opportunity for playing time. A shitty team with absolutely no expectations. The momentum from an absolute romp in the Summer League. A new coach with a fresh attitude and a soft spot for Hickson's upside. So far we haven't heard much. Hickson's been inconsistent, listless and in and out of Lord Byron's doghouse, contributing to the Cavs' meltdown that has (very creepily) mirrored Miami's season almost game for game.
Regards to: Roy Hibbert, 90% of the Detroit Pistons roster, Darren Collison

The Bobby Boucher Trophy - Blake Griffin, LA Clippers: Goes to the player whose arrival on a new team has had the greatest positive impact.

The way Griffin's taken the NBA by storm this year is most easily likened to a tragic hurricane in terms of the devastation and calamity he's caused for those in his path. The Clippers have managed to sail clear of the storm though, playing their best basketball since the Elton Brand days and now the talk of the league, largely due to Griffin's ridiculous numbers and reckless abuse of opposing baskets. That the Clippers are knocking off good teams is icing on the cake; that the'ye being spoken of in a context other than 'walking joke' is a serious boost that appears to have rejuvenated their entire roster; hell even Baron's playing well now.
Regards to: Amar'e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Tyson Chandler (...and yes, I'm intentionally snubbing Lebron)

(Side note: Blake Griffin has also won the Shawn Kemp Memorial Award for the most exciting/demoralizing dunker, which in completely unrelated news, is being temporarily retired while under review to be re-named "The Blake Griffin Award")

The Tim Donaghy Award - OJ Mayo, Memphis Grizzlies: Goes to the player whose gambling has caused serious issues for himself/his team/the NBA.

Quite the season OJ's having. Already mired in a shooting slump that cost him his starting job, Mayo lost a dime-five to Tony Allen on a redeye card game, couldn't take the loss like a man, and started chirping him. Allen retaliated by whupping Mayo's ass (which became a nationally-blown-up scrum; a rare blemish in an otherwise-quiet season for a violence-enamored league) and punking even more of his minutes; leaving Mayo the latest poster child for superstar irresponsibility, and with his head resting on the trading block.
Regards to nobody; this one's all you man.

The Flavor Flav Award - Darko Milicic, Minnesota Timberwolves: Goes to the player who made a strong comeback from obscurity/adversity to gain relevance again.

To say that Darko's NBA career was going poorly would be like calling Corner Gas uneventful; a polite way of describing a far more profane and morbid reality. He had the misfortune of being born in such a year that his development as an NBA prospect would align perfectly with the "Dirk Factor", which bloated the draft stock of countless European centers over the past decade. This led to his erroneously high selection, and prompt burial on the bench of a deep title contender, under the tutelage of a coach who never much cared for young prospects. This planted firm seeds of frustration in Milicic; seeds that poisoned his career as he bounced from team to team, collecting bench splinters and struggling to fit in; never given room to blossom. His confidence was whittled away until last summer, when he seemed bent on retirement, and the only man stupid enough to give Darko $20 million willingly forked it over...Then a funny thing happened; he actually started playing well enough to take the whole league by notice: Now a legit starting center who's among the league leaders in swats and actually commands attention on offense. It's a long way from reversing his simply awful luck, but given how deep he'd buried himself, any signs of life from Darko should feel redeeming.

Regards to: Gilbert Arenas, Andrew Bogut, and a special D-League shout-out to Antoine Walker

Dunk of the Half - Blake Griffin on Danilo Gallinari
Blake had a very loud coming out party against the Knicks back in November. He dropped 44, including a vicious array of highlight slams, most maliciously targeting Galinari, who found himself hopelessly lost on Griffin Island as he tried to stop a one-man fast break. He just as quickly found himself spun off of by a much larger man in a fit of graceful agility that instantly morphed into destructive power in the form of an ego-shattering tomahawk...Right on poor Gallo's head...And thanks to the glory of the internet, he (nor any of us) will ever forget.



Regards to: JR Smith on Gary Neal, James Harden on JJ Hickson, Blake Griffin on basically anybody

Ham of the Half - Ron Artest, LA Lakers; Goes to the player who, through continued on and off-court incompetence, has insulted any/all expectations.

When the Lakers signed Ron Artest before last season, the impression was that he would fill Trevor Ariza's shoes as a defensive-minded swingman who could hit jumpers and exist within the triangle. While he managed to survive the first season well enough to help LA to a title, winning it is apparently the worst thing ever to happen to him. After auctioning off what should've been his most prized possession (regardless of his philanthropic motivations, the whole thing seemed like a publicity stunt), Artest has been mired in a haze of passive defense and bricked jumpers, appearing to be more aptly pissing off Kobe Bryant than anything else. A lot of reality checking needs to be done in Lakerland, starting with its usual suspect.

Regards to: Baron Davis (1 week won't save you), Samuel Dalembert, Evan Turner

The A-Team Award - Boston Celtics; Given to the team who, at this point, looks like the best in the NBA.

This was tough. Really fuckin' tough. Not only because I still somewhat despise the Celtics for indirectly destroying my favorite player as I knew him, or 'cause the Spurs have been very, very good; the best record in the NBA in its tougher conference. This was tough because nobody really looks like a favorite; Dallas lost Butler for good and looks lost without Dirk, LA's got a serious championship hangover, Miami's still got lots to prove and Orlando's still waiting on the jury. But looking at what Boston's done with what they've had, it's tough not to fear them. They've enjoyed their usual hot start, but it's been maintained longer through a (somewhat) tougher conference, nasty early schedule, and a barrage of injuries. Jermaine O'Neal's played like 5 minutes all year. Shaq's been hobbled. Garnett and Rondo have each missed 2 weeks, and Kendrick Perkins is still on the horizon. They still have the best record in the East. Make no mistake; this will be the hungriest team in the NBA come playoffs, and at full strength (which, if you're a skeptic, looks just as shaky for every contender out West) the way everyone else is playing, they might be its best. They have the size, experience and depth to match just about anybody, their defensive intensity is unreal and their cohesiveness is unmatched...and Rasheed's coming back? Good luck.

Regards to: San Antonio Spurs, Miami Heat (post-Cleveland), Dallas Mavericks (w/Dirk)

Halftime Hardware: The Mid-Season Awards

The regular season grind's just about hit its mid-point; as teams cross the 40-game mark, the conversation's shifted from early season adjustments to All-Stars, deadline deals and the earliest glimpses of the playoff bracket (only 3 more months...). Seems like an appropriate time to revisit the race for the NBA's individual awards and hand out a little Halftime Hardware:

Rookie of the Half - Blake Griffin, LA Clippers
Getting the obvious out of the way, Griffin's taken the League by storm like few rookies ever have; dropping double-doubles almost as often as his devastating dunks that have fans itching for All-Star Saturday (sorry, Lamar). What's more, he's made people care about the Clippers; a dynamic talent that's already borderline dominant in the NBA after three months and putting LA's Other Team on the map. Looks like they found a keeper, hopefully they dont screw this one up.
Regards to: Landry Fields, John Wall, Demarcus Cousins

Most Improved Player - Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves
From the obvious to the opposite; the MIP race is not only very crowded but comprised of players from all walks of life. MVP-calibre point guards, wily veterans, young gunslingers, emerging journeymen; there's a dozen players who could make a very legitimate claim to this trophy. Love gets it because he came into this season facing an unclear role and inconsistent minutes, and immediately forced Kurt Rambis to keep him on the court with his versatile offensive array and utter dominance on the glass. People spoke of Moses Malone's 30/30 30 years ago, well that's also the last time somebody other than Dennis Rodman (also Malone) averaged more rebounds than Love is this season. Over one summer he seamlessly made the transition to legitimate star player; a much tougher leap than the typical breakout year that wins a player this award, especially on a team as dysfunctional as the Wolves. A lot of guys in this running simply adapted to increased roles; Love demanded one with his play and has done nothing but prove himself right.
Regards to: Raymond Felton, Dorrell Wright, Wesley Matthews

Coach of the Half - Erik Spoelstra, Miami Heat
Don't think there's much to discuss here. Miami came into the season with insurmountable expectations, started as horribly as anyone could've imagined; everyone was calling for Spoelstra's head. Spo made some defensive tweaks, began fast breaking and moving the ball more, commanded the respect of his players; suddenly Miami's the hottest team in the NBA. It's almost as open-and-shut as the ROY race, and almost as many innocent people are being shamelessly dunked on.
Regards to: Doc Rivers, Tom Thibodeau, Nate McMillan

Defensive Player of the Half - Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic
It seems almost redundant giving this trophy to Dwight again, and I tried long and hard to find someone who could legitimately swipe it way from him. But Howard's been way too much of a force; 2nd in rebounds, 3rd in blocks, becoming more and more the focus of dramatic overhauls to the opposition's offensive scheme. The numbers don't tell the whole story because Howard's long been the NBA's MAP (most avoided player); his mere presence lowers comfort levels, while also being the safety net for the likes of (formerly) Vince Carter, and (currently) Hedo Turkoglu. His importance can't be understanted because because of a few missing digits.
Regards to: Rajon Rondo, Tyson Chandler, Andrew Bogut

Sixth Man of the Half - George Hill, San Antonio Spurs
A fair share of the blame for the Spurs still being on top of the West (with Timmy D playing such a small role) can be pinned on Hill's emergence as a versatile cog off the bench; a combo guard who can score and distribute, always playing aggressive defense and carrying the business-like edge of a veteran Spur, and not a ringless newcomer. The Spurs hardly lose a step with him in the backcourt alongside Parker or (more rarely) Ginobili; another diamond dug out of the deep rough by RC Buford.
Regards to: Jamal Crawford (barely eligible), Serge Ibaka, JR Smith

MVP - Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls
In what's shaping up to be the most compelling MVP race in recent memory, Rose has backed up his early season boasting with outstanding play that's kept Chicago near the top of the East despite injuries to both their other stars. Rose has been attacking the hoop with the same devastating quickness and athleticism that's scared defenders since he came onto the scene, although the sudden range he's developed has forced respect of his jumper and given him all the more room to operate, to the tune of almost 9 assists a game to run with 24 points. His biggest game have come against top competition and his attack has seamlessly shifted between assaulting weak perimeters and exploiting mismatches in the post, as needed. What more could you ask of the guy?
Regards to: Amar'e Stoudemire, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwight Howard

All-NBA

First Team - G- Derrick Rose/Kobe Bryant F- Dirk Nowitzki/Amar'e Stoudemire C-Dwight Howard

Second Team - G- Rajon Rondo/Russell Westbrook F- Lebron James/Kevin Durant C-Pau Gasol (because he's played half the season there and no true center deserves this)

Third Team - G- Deron Williams/Chris Paul F- Carmelo Anthony/Kevin Love C- Lamarcus Aldridge (see above comment)

While the League's individual Awards do a good job of singling out the most significant accomplishments among the season's many, their scope's pretty narrow, leaving plenty of deserving players without recognition. To celebrate their efforts, check back later this week for the Halftime version of the Basketball Banter Awards; celebrating the best (and worst) of the rest of the NBA...

Resolve This

New Year's Resolutions are an unavoidable, yet ultimately pointless part of life. We (to varying extents) obsess over our imperfections, set often unrealistic, arbitrary goals off an artificial launching pad, and grow increasingly skeptical each year when we inevitably bail on them. Even people like me, who disagree with the supposed need to align self-improvement with a new calendar, are governed by tradition; constantly reminded by ubiquitous media blurbs (and the occasional nosy relative) about why we should suddenly be becoming better people.

That being said, the NBA season offers a more practical need for these things. The New Year represents a time for resolution; not because we flipped a digit, but because the schedule's a third over, and hitting its stride; roles have been defined, rotations sorted out, and the coming weeks are where teams truly develop the kind of productive habits (and maybe a make a few well-timed moves) that will translate to a successful season...and where those that don't will be left with lottery balls. So, in keeping with tradition (and the convenient cliche that this occasion provides every sports writer), here are some NBA"New Year's" Resolutions.

Atlanta Hawks - Get used to the view. Because the Hawks might be more firmly entrenched in no-mans-land than any other team. They're a few pieces away from contending; at best fourth on the depth chart of a very shallow conference. Yet their team is still (relatively) young and financially committed; neither of which tend to invite re-building among semi-successful teams.

Boston Celtics - Rest up. Rondo, and more gravely KG going down this early (especially when they're playing this well) aren't great signs for a team that's yet to suit up Kendrick Perkins and is still working in Jermaine O'Neal. Last year, they proved to everyone that they can flatline midseason and then make a Finals run from the 4-seed, so regular season wins won't be nearly as important as full health come the spring. Their balanced attack won't force too much on any one player, so stay on cruise control and hope the injury bug's bit already.

Charlotte Bobcats - Hire Michael Jordan an assistant; somebody to be the angel on his shoulder and show him how to run an NBA team anywhere but into the ground from the front office. Make a fucking trade. Do something. This team is boring as hell and clearly a downgrade from last season. Don't dwell on how well they players they lost are doing; Larry Brown wasn't the right coach for this team, but their problems run much deeper than personnel. Trade some of their veteran talent for youth and a new identity to run with the new coach; your team hit its ceiling at 6th in the East. Time to throw the switch.

Chicago Bulls - Clear all suitcases in Carlos Boozer's path. He's been an absolute monster this year, and the most injury-prone part of a team that could scare some of the East's best at full strength. Derek Rose's pre-season Slam cover's looking awfully prophetic, and Joakim Noah was becoming a true beast even playing through a lingering injury. Just keep 'Los healthy long enough for it to all come together.

Cleveland Cavaliers - Dig deep. Honestly. This team had itself believing that they were gonna be alright in Year One A.L. They played .500 ball (good enough for the 7 seed in the East these days) through the first few weeks, scared a few good teams, and had everyone outside of JJ Hickson making solid contributions. Then Lebron waltzed back into town, reminded everyone what they were missing, and took the wind out of the entire team when he left, not-at-all-coincidentally sending them into a complete meltdown. If they can forget James and develop a sense of optimism, they'll be alright, but right now they look like fish out of water.

Dallas Mavericks - Forget the past. This looks like a much different team from the one thats been sleeping through the playoffs for the last decade; they can still score from almost anywhere, but have a newfound defensive sense that will benefit them over 7 games. When April rolls around, they won't be able to avoid the naysayers who will expect them to fold, but Cuban's Mavs finally look like they might be built to last...if the recently rejuvenated (and more recently seriously injured) Caron Butler's back in time.

Denver Nuggets - Focus. Hard as it is amid the media frenzy. At some point in the next month in a half, you're going to have to trade the most talented player to wear your team's jersey, hell arguably ever. Two teams with several attractive pieces want him very badly, and you're in a position of power. You're going to have to milke every drop out of this unfortunate circumstance (clearly you're getting nowhere near equal value), while respecting the market and not being greedy, winding up like Phoenix. Months of speculation have led up to this, so make it worthwhile.

Detroit Pistons - Do something already. Their roster is chock full of talent that, despite many misguided attempts to be awkwardly forced together, just isn't meshing. Plenty of contenders could use a player like Tayshaun or Rip, and their young talent spends too much time lost in playing time shuffles to get anything going. Joe Dumars used to be the ballsiest GM in the NBA, but after the Iverson misfire, he's been very trigger shy. He needs to free up some floor time for the guys he can't trade (Villanueva, Gordon) rather than drowning them in comparable talent.

Golden State Warriors - Be honest with yourself. Sure, the Steph Curry/Monta Ellis backcourt is an exciting proposition; they're both awesome players. But the rest of the season needs to be a sincere evaluation of not only how compatible they are, but the true extent of their surely-stratospheric trade value. The Warriors have too many shortcomings for their two most talented players to be so similar, so once Curry gets healthy, keep an eye on things.

Houston Rockets - Launch Plan B. The Rockets have been stockpiling young talent at four positions, and now with Yao Ming's career apparently over, it's detonation time. This bunch is a fringe playoff team at 100%, even with Kevin Martin scoring at the proficient rate of his career and Luis Scola taking things to the next level. There's no shortage of teams looking for the kind of affordable talent that Houston plenty of; for the first time in half a decade they can hope to build towards a franchise player who can play a full season.

Indiana Pacers - Check Roy Hibbert's asthma meds. Much of the credit for Indy's early success was attirbuted to Hibbert's newfound bounce, which he in turn attributed to the discovery of activity-induced asthma and, um....hot yoga classes. Recently, Hibbert's been on the snide health and production-wise, while the Pacers are 3-7 over their last ten. It'll take a lot to fall out of the East playoffs, but this isn't a comforting trend for Pacers fans (if they really exist).

LA Clippers - Impeach Donald Sterling. Yong superstars are hard to please these days, and the Clips have a storied history of either letting young talent walk, or creating a situation so dysfunctional that no sane person would commit to it. Meanwhile, their belated rookie is an absolute monster who's pretty much wrapped the Shawn Kemp Memorial Award and looks like the kind of player that could finally turn things around for LA's Other Team...If Sterling doesn't ruin it for everyone. He's the worst owner in the league, and not exactly looking to sell, so make a public plea before you lose a guy who already looks like the best Clipper ever.

LA Lakers - Wake the fuck up. After the Lakers slept through a Christmas Day meltdown at the hands of the suddenly hot Heat, they were drubbed again on their homecourt by the Bucks and Grizzlies, plummeting to within a half-game of fifth and appearing to have lost any swagger or hunger they still carried over the summer. This team is talented, deep, and well-coached; they're the two-time defending champs and have no excuse for playing this poorly. It's all a matter of re-gaining that mentality, and the Zen Master won't let this carry on much longer.

Memphis Grizzlies - Grow comfortable with mediocrity. Like Atlanta, they've shackled themselves financially; committing to young talent that's worth holding onto, but hardly winning much of consequence. Unlike Atlanta, they've never won a playoff series in franchise history, so this team being a prime candidate for a close playoff snub should be about par for the course.

Miami Heat - ...Do nothing? The team everyone loves to hate is giving them all the more reason. They put the shaky start to bed and now look like a serious contender, rolling everyone in their path, including the Lakershow in their much-hyped Turkey showdown. Their 3 stars are all clicking and the momentum they're riding right now seems almost unbreakable, much to the discontent of basically everyone.


Milwaukee Bucks - Take the Fear out of the Deer. The Bucks are constantly playing in headlights. That's not entirely unexpected from a Scott Skiles team (I'm still waiting for HBO special on Bucks training camp, where John Salmons breaks down in one of those confessional interviews and reveals that Skiles whips him with a belt for missed jumpers), this was entirely unexpected. Ride the recent success out West into an easier schedule and remember, although it's slightly improved, you guys still play in the Eazy-East.


Minnesota T-Wolves - Ignore the W/L column. Not only because this team has pulled out several close losses to teams they had no business beating, but because they might be the most poorly mismatched bunch of talent in the NBA, and their terrible record belies the underrated progress of their young players. Kevin Love's clearly a beast, but impressive performances from everyone to Michael Beasley down to Wesley Johnson and even Luke Ridnour suggest that this team might be a couple shrewd moves away from something significant...Although "shrewd" might be among the last words used to describe David Kahn. They'd be best not to discourage themselves further.


New Jersey Nets - Kidnap LaLa Anthony and ship her to the Galapagos Islands. Without an MTV diva in Melo's ear about NYC, it's one less thing standing between them and, let's face it, the most important goal of theirs this season. With Prokhorov's bottomless pockets and rumored mob connects, how hard can it be?


New Orleans Hornets - Keep Chris Paul's coffee fresh. As the Hornets begin to show their true colors, the rumors about Paul's "surely imminent" departure are bound to creep out of the woodwork again. There's no telling just how much of a rebuilding effort he's willing to put up with, but if they think trading for his college rival/buddy to warm his bench spot is the difference..well...might be time for a new pot.


New York Knicks - Pray this 'Melo thing works. 'Cause the speculation around this; everyone from Spike to Anthony himself saying it's a sure thing, on the heels of this summer, will not die over well if he winds up in East Rutherford, or Brooklyn, or wherever the hell the Nets are playing next year.


Oklahoma City Thunder - Don't sweat expectations. There was almost too much hype surrounding these guys preseason; people tagging them as the undisputed bridesmaids to the inevitable Lakers crown. Be honest, they're still a ways from peaking; this team has won exactly two playoff games and even with this season's baby steps, is still ahead of its time. Forget that experienced, talented teams are where they were supposed to be; they've got the talent, and the experience to put them among the elite will come quickly if they don't get frustrated and keep growing.


Orlando Magic - Find a third big man. The blitzkrieg attack the Magic have been launching since their recent blockbusters has looked a lot better than the languid mess they were previously regressing into. Brandon Bass looks like a fine starting 4 in their system. But the onus they'll be putting on D12 in a physical 7 game series just got a lot bigger, especially against the onimous Celtics. The Arenas move shouldn't be their last.


Philadelphia 76ers - Trade Andre Iguodala now. He's having a sub-par season that's more easily blamed on your crappy offense the less it persists. Thaddeus Young is a less expensive alternative who creates mismatches against virtually every opposing 3 and always produces when injuries to Philly's overpaid frontcourt free him up. Oh yeah, and the team's awful; has been for years. Mix it up already.


Phoenix Suns - Resign yourselves to the same fate as the Grizz; an early playoff exit or a late lottery pick. Purgatory sucks doesn't it.


Portland Trailblazers - Fire your fucking trainer, if it wasn't already done a long time ago.


Sacramento Kings - Do something with your frontcourt. It's a mess. They have equally talented players who don't complement each other well at all, fighting for minutes at all spots. Jason Thompson sees most of his minutes out of position at the 3. Carl Landry never gets the consistent floor time to develop the rhythym he had in Houston. This team gets lumped in with Minny and Detroit among bottom dwellers who would give themselves a much better chance this season if they'd stop squatting on such incompatible talent.


San Antonio Spurs - Trust everything Gregg Popovich tells you. This especially applies to his notion that a good start in a conference full of underperforming (and unhealthy) teams is bad for them, but also to generally anything he says. If Gregg Popovich told me he was Jesus reincarnated, I'd feel inclined to believe him.

Toronto Raptors - Play defense; if that doesn't work (and it likely won't), trade for players that do. It's like a broken "Party in the USA" record, repetitive and annoying. The Raps can't seem to bolster their roster with enough defensive toughness to offset their liabilities. Now armed with maybe the League's best expiring deal, they can look to land something functional.

Utah Jazz - Win the West. Because it's not out of reach and probably the only thing they can do to get Jerry Sloan the Coach of the Year award he shamefully hasn't won yet.

Washington Wizards - Convince Javale Mcgee and Andray Blatche to grow the f*** up. Anger management, boot camp, Nanny 911, whatever they need. After ridding themselves of Gilbert, Washington's new resident headcases have been causing problems all year. Sad part is, they're two the the NBA's most promising young bigs; but maturity seems hard to come by in DC.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season; more importantly good luck getting back to real life. See y'all on the weekend.

Javale Mcgee Knows No Fear

One of the many highlights of League Pass this season has been getting to watch Javale Mcgee on a regular basis. Washington's highly athletic, highly inconsistent starting centre is truly unique. He's versatile; comfortable both posting and facing up far from the basket, where his go-to move is typically an unconscious dribble in the general area of the hoop, followed by a long-jump-style leap into an awkward floater over 3 defenders, while Andray Blatche and Al Thornton stand wide open in disgust. It's absolutely hilarious. (Every now and then, when he's motivated, he turns into a one-man shot-blocking production line, sending anything that comes near the net into the 20th row, but back to the point...)

Last week, the Wiz were being completely waxed by the Kings in a mundane affair that obviously left Mcgee craving more excitement. In the game's waning moments, he found himself on a wide open break, decided to attempt a free-throw line dunk, and missed it as horribly and awkwardly as humanly possible (...and believe me, I know a thing or two about embarrassing missed dunks).

Evidently, the jeers from the crowd, the laughs from his teammates, and the dubious internet stardom (his shank was featured on Yahoo's homepage, among other places) haven't phased him. A few nights later, well...if you haven't seen this already, you really need to just take it in and come up with your own ridiculous adjective for it; the title says it well. This guy might be my new favourite player in the league.

To Sad Endings & New Beginnings...

When news broke earlier this week of a stress fracture in Yao Ming's foot ending his season for the zillionth time, reactions throughout the basketball community were, well, subdued. Although this was obviously a tragic setback for a star who put retirement ahead of more rehab, there was an utter lack of surprise; to some extent, we all knew this was coming. Like Greg Oden before him, we'd all seen Yao succumb to his own body too many times to expect he'd get it together.

Yao was different though, in that he had already established himself as a star in this League, and probably would've been fine if the commies running China's national team had bothered to let him rest for a few weeks during the prime of his career. Yao played in 82, 82 and 80 his first three seasons, and was becoming a dominant talent. But the second Houston's seasons ended, he was shipped back to the homeland for a busy international schedule that often had him arriving late for training camp and certainly betrayed the concept of an "offseason". As the constant pounding took its toll (remember, 350 pounds is a lot to carry around), Yao averaged an anemic 58 games over the next four seasons, before shutting it down all of last year, and now facing a similar fate.

It seems far safer to call Yao's career over, relative to Oden's. He's older, has nothing really to prove, owns his own pro team in China, and has already hinted at this being the end. It's also far more difficult; he was a much better player and a noble, gregarious global ambassador for a league that's clearly looking to grow its international influence. If this is the last we see of him - and all signs point to it being that way - what a shitty (albeit predictable) way for it all to end. Keep your head up Yao, hope that "fried chicken and beer" tastes damn good.

Only a few days of mourning passed before Yao's dilemma was sidetracked by the season's first blockbuster(s), which dramatically overhauled the floundering Orlando Magic. Their first deal shipped Vincent Lamar to Phoenix, along with Mickael Pietrus and Marcin Gortat, in exchange for Jason Richardson, Earl Clark and the ghost of Hedo Turkoglu. As though that weren't enough of a dice roll, the Magic then shipped Rashard Lewis to Washington for Gilbert Arenas, setting a new Guinness record for "shitty NBA contracts traded in a single day".

Phoenix, caught in that awkward no-mans-land between contending and rebuilding, now at least has a more functional team. While they shed two of their 90 small forwards, they gained a legitimate centre and probably the only defensive-minded player on their roster. Gortat will allow Channing Frye and Robin Lopez to spend more time at the 4 (where both of them should be more effective), helping to shore up the league's worst-rebounding team. The jury's still out on whether Vince can provide any positive effect, but I can already envision Steve Nash becoming frustrated with him and freezing him out of the offense. In about two weeks. Ultimately, these Suns, (read:Nash) have made offensive contributors out of anyone they've plugged in, so the versatility they gained should outweigh the firepower they lost.

Washington, meanwhile, made a dubious decision. Trading Gilbert was an obvious move; after last season's handgun mishap and John Wall's drafting, he made (Agent) Zero sense for them. What made even less sense (I know it's mathematically impossible, but work with me here) was for them to take on what's very likely, dollar-for-dollar, the worst contract in the NBA in return. Lewis' monster of a deal comes off the books a year later than Gilbert's, forcing a rebuilding team that's losing money even more than easy games into deeper financial commitment. Although Wall will have a much more freedom now, the team as a whole might've just enslaved themselves.

...Which brings us to Orlando; the centrepiece of these blockbusters and the team with, far and away, the most to lose. After losing 5 of 6 and watching Boston and Miami reel off double-digit win streaks, I've heard this makeover get called everything from a panic move to a calculated gamble. The Magic gained a lot of offensive potency, picking up two bonafide scorers and returning Hedo to a city that clearly has some sort of PED-type effect on his game. Vince and Rashard were both having their worst seasons in recent memory, so getting rid of them wasn't hard, but fitting the new pieces together may be harder than it looks... (disclaimer: I'm of the firm belief that the Magic aren't done dealing yet, but let's proceed under the necessary assumption that they're going to try and win a title with this team)

First of all, this was a very expensive move for the Magic. They shed Lewis and Carter's bloated contracts, but also took on those of Arenas, Turkoglu and (to a lesser extent) Richardson, while burying JJ Redick (35$ mil this past offseason) on the bench. Obviously they're a successful team in a competitive market, but they just raised their risk profile considerably.

Defense also becomes a serious achilles heel for this team. Forget that they have Howard in the middle, the Magic have now lost their only potent wing defenders (Pietrus, and previously Matt Barnes), and given up Gortat; an excellent defender himself, and one of the NBA's best backup big men. Not that Carter or Lewis was a great defender, but all this does is increase the reliance on Howard, with more holes to patch, which will likely lead to more help-D fouls and less time on the court for their franchise player.

Orlando now possesses the weapons to be an offensive nightmare, but leaves serious doubts about its ability to succeed in the physical, halfcourt grind of the playoffs. They made it to the Finals two years ago with Dwight drawing coverage and open 3's raining from all angles, but the competition is far tougher this year. Dwight will have a much harder time dominating Boston's deep frontcourt than he did the Cavs' joke of one, and Miami's Superfriends will be much harder to match up with in an up-tempo shootout.

Orlando looks to be on Phoenix's flipside after this trade; they're certainly more talented, but perhaps less functional. In any event, it looked like a move needed to be made, and the front office certainly can't be blamed for a lack of balls. Regardless of whether this team's done shuffling, it'll be a serious adjustment for Stan Van Jeremy, D12, Jameer, hell the rest of the East's contenders. The Magic seriously shook things up here; it's gonna take a while for it to settle and see just what the payoff is. That being said, there's been an epidemic of complacency around the NBA lately when moves clearly need to be made, so Orlando should be applauded for pulling the trigger and at least rolling the dice before the season slid further.