POWER RANKINGS!!!

Another weekend of Madness has passed leaving two somewhat surprising squads (and one complete shocker) punching tickets to Indianapolis, with just one #1 left. John Wall's inability to outplay a backup point guard put an abrupt end to his college career, though this means little to the bottom-feeders in the big leagues, hoping they're the ones who luck out and snare the right to draft him.

Speaking of which, there's encouraging news out of New Jersey where the Nots have managed to reach nine wins, ensuring that they won't (solely) hold the claim as the worst team in NBA history. They've got a very weak schedule down the stretch and could realistically grab #10, but it probably won't be enough to drag them out of the Power Rankings basement. At least it should ease tensions enough that team CEOs aren't screaming at disgusted fans a few feet from the court. Check out where the contenders to the title and to the most disappointed athlete in America sit in the season's final Rankings:

30 (30) New Jersey Nets
See above. I'm done with this mess.

29 (29) Minnesota Timberwolves
They've been doing their best to keep every lottery ball they can, losing 16 straight and staving off the Remains of the Wiz. I'm secretly hoping they snag the first pick; after they drafted 2 point guards in the top 6 last year then gave Sessions $35 mil to collect bench splinters, it'd be all too appropriate.

28 (24) Washington Wizards
Not surprisingly, the izards (they haven't seen a W in 15 games) have gone from bad to worse following the dismantling of their challenged core at the deadline. At least Gilbert managed to avoid jail time and will reportedly be back with the team next year, but this season was an unfathomable disaster in Washington.

27 (25) Detroit Pistons
Speaking of disasters, the Pistons made what they thought was a huge free agent splash last summer, but turned out to be an unmemorable waste of money, shackling a team that has little financial flexibility and was a bitter disappointment this year. They've dropped eight in a row, including a beatdown for win #9 by the listless Nets.

26 (26) Golden State Warriors
The emergence of Steph Curry as a dynamic scorer and playmaker was one of the few bright spots for this lost team. They were rarely healthy, rarely cohesive, rarely winning. Find a big man who can hit more than 15% of his foul shots and maybe, just one defensive-minded player in the offseason. With so many intriguing players being recklessly benched, how hard can it be?

25 (23) Philadelphia 76ers
Another year, more disappointment; more inconsistency, more attitude issues, more of Elton Brand's bad knee, more drama with Allen Iverson. Eddie Jordan's head is apparently guillotine-bound as the Sixers head back to the drawing board (and the lottery).

24 (22) Sacramento Kings
The Kings struggled to keep up their blazing .500 pace far past December, but have to be conisdred the winners of last summer's draft and hawked Carl Landry, who's been a much better fit than Kevin Martin. Things weren't all that great in Sactown this year, but could've - and should've - been much worse.


23 (28) New York Knicks
Things played out exactly as we'd expected them to in New York this year; the team struggled often, showed occasional spurts of youthful exuberance, and was largely overlooked by fans and the media alike, who were all so concerned about what lies next for the Knicks. One thing's for sure; you can count on them being more than a few notches higher the next time these rankings get done up.

22 (27) Indiana Pacers
The League's Most Irrelevant Team (trademark pending) has somehow climbed all the way to tenth in the East, winning 6 of 10 and sabotaging the slight chance that the team with the biggest point guard void in the Lottery will wind up with John Wall.

21 (21) Los Angeles Clippers
This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. Blake was supposed to be healthy; Baron was supposed to care. The playoffs were supposed to be in focus, rather than faintly drifting away in the peripheral. Oh wait - it's the Clippers. When Griffin finally suits up alongside whoever their cap space lures (presumably a small forward), they might finally have the pieces in place for a legit team, untill then, all we can do is sahke our heads.

20 (16) New Orleans Hornets
Clearly the Chris Paul injuries were devastating to a team that had trouble winning consistently with him in the lineup, but the breakout production of Darren Collison was one of the year's most pleasant surprises. I also had no Busta Rhymes was so good at basketball, but he was a great late draft pickup who's given them consistent explosive scoring; something the Hornets sorely lack. Only one more year 'til Peja comes off the books guys, be patient...

19 (19) Houston Rockets - All in all, this wasn't the worst season for the Rockets, but in retrospect, the more I think about it, they got screwed at the deadline. T-Mac's coming off the books for a league-high $23 million, and Carl Landry was one of the L's most underrated players; their record in his absence, despite huge numbers from Brooks and Scola, speaks for itself. Given their preseason prognosis, staying the playoff chase as long as they did was a stretch, hopefully Yao's career isn't over and this'll have a happier ending next year.

18 (14) Toronto Raptors - Another disappointing season is almost over for the Raptors, whether they're banished to the lottery or swept by the Cavs in the first round. A lack of toughness and shitty defense was again fatal to a team that scored very well, but made it too easy for opposition night after night. They enter their most pivotal offseason since 2000 with little room to maneuver financially (anyone looking to shell out $10mil/year for Hedo?...Anyone?...Mr Cuban?) and their best player clearly looking for an out. Just another season in T-Dot.

17 (12) Chicago Bulls
The up-again, down-again rollercoaster of the Bulls' season might be good enough to sneak into the playoffs, but a repeat of their epic duel with Boston last year is a near impossibility. They've lost too much offensive firepower with the departures of Ben Gordon and John Salmons, and their frontcourt's about as deep as a Kei$ha song, so the money they'll save when Warrick and Alexander come off the cap will be much needed.


16 (17) Memphis Grizzlies
The Grizz were a hell of a lot better than we gave them credit for; Memphis has a talented franchise that will only improve with more time together and the retention of Rudy Gay this summer. Zach Randolph's revival was as unexpected as Marc Gasol becoming one of the Association's best centers, leaving this team far better off than the other party in the early-season divorce.

15 (18) Charlotte Bobcats
Well, they've done it. It's not a mathematical certainty, but barring a We Are Marshall-type plane crash, the Bobcats are finally popping their playoff cherry. Kudos to Captain Jack, whose early-season acquisition was crucial to this team's success, finally turning things around for him after years of coaching arguments and violent crimes.

14 (20) Miami Heat
They've been on a run as of late, pushing back into a safe playoff spot by winning 8 of 10 and likely pulling one of the weaker two top-seeds in the first round. They're just another of the many teams waiting on the offseason; with no realistic plans to play into May, but a very serious dilemma awaiting them after they hang 'em up.

13 (15) Milwaukee Bucks
Raise your hand if you slotted the Bucks into the fifth seed at the beginning of the season. Or in early February. Now put your hand down because you're a fucking liar. The addition of John Salmons sparked the League's most dramatic turnaround and finally yielded some success for Scott Skiles' abusive father approach to coaching. They enter the playoffs as one of the hottest teams, and arguably the most likely to pull off a first round upset.

12 (10) San Antonio Spurs
They're putting it together: that annual late-season run we've always counted on the Spurs for. Only this season it's been late and subdued; hampered by an injury to Tony Parker and the inevitable age factor. Geroge Hill's playing well, Ginobili's been unreal, but for the Spurs to beat a top-4 team over seven games, they'll have to play basketball within a far smaller error margain than they've gotten used to this year.

11 (11) Portland Trailblazers
Let's hear it for the Blazers, who nobody could blame for missing the playoffs, but clawed through more injuries than a Saw movie to give their fans something to cheer for. It's unfortunate that their upward mobility (and Greg Oden's career) have been halted by continuous setbacks, but they should find a spot near the front of a church, not too close to the Rockets, and pray for their big man's convalescence.

10 (8) Oklahoma City Thunder
Regardless of how they perform in the playoffs, even being there is huge for this team who were merely looking to build on last season's late progress and step forward. Instead, they ran the hundred in 9.9 and sat comfortably in the playoffs all season, showcasing one of the most enviable stables of young talent in the League. Kevin Durant's been talked about a lot (not that its undue), but let's keep an eye on Russell Westbrook and James Harden in the playoffs, could be one of the best backcourts around in a couple years.

9 (7) Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks did manage to get better this year; although the margins are far smaller at the top of the conference. They're a real Wild Card heading into the playoffs, the one team that I really can't decide if I should pencil in for a first-round exit or a trip to the Conference Finals. Regardless, they're a step below contender status and in danger of losing their best player - who's a lot more important to their team than most people realize - in a few months, which would really clip their wings(sorry, too easy).

8 (13) Boston Celtics
After playing sub-.500 ball for a little too long, the Celtics have finally woken up and (aside from yesterday's meltdown at home to the Spurs) look healthier and more focused than the team that slid down these rankings last month. They'll get a slight benefit of my doubt because everyone knows they had very little to prove in the regular season, but this Celts team is historically late getting it going in the playoffs, so they'd like to be at their peak over the next few weeks.

7 (11) Phoenix Suns
Heating up at the right time, the Suns are eating the opposition with Stoudemire on a complete tear and Robin Lopez providing a big body who can lock down the middle with length and size while still running the floor to their track-meet standards. No matter how well they play right now though, this story's been told before, under better direction and plot development, there's no reason to expect anything more this time.

6 (6) Utah Jazz
The first of three teams that really doesn't want to serve as the Lakers' unofficial #2, the Jazz have been unable to separate themselves from the rest of the second tier to establish a consensus favorite to join LA in the West Finals. Boozer's apparently had a change of heart and "wants to stay" in Utah, sparked by their recent improvement. Dangerous words.

5 (3) Dallas Mavericks - Brought back down to Earth after their post-trade euphoria, Dallas has been struggling defensively down the stretch. They've gone 6-4 over their last ten, losing some very winnable games, including a clap-back at home for that beatdown they put on the Knicks a few months back. They're still talented enough on paper to make a deep run, but beating teams like Portland and Boston with consistency is the key to the playoff success they've failed to attain.

4 (5) Denver Nuggets - You wouldn't think Denver wants the 2-seed either given the way they've played over the past month with Melo and Chauncey back at full strength. While Coach Karl struggles with yet another cancer bout (all the best, George), this team has been sturggling with consistency in the offense they've become reknowned for. They've got the talent to challenge the best teams, but the hunger and the discipline remain to be seen.

3 (4) Orlando Magic - Statement games. Orlando seems to be winning a lot of them. Cleveland, LA, Boston, Atlanta (well...almost). If the favorite were to be judged on performance vs. their roomates in the NBA penthouse, it'd probably be these guys. They've struggled to find consistency through backcourt injuries, but they've showed up for the games that matter, leading me to believe that they'll be a dangerous team next month.

2 (1) Los Angeles Lakers
The usual late-season Bynum injury again leaves them vulnerable in the middle, where despite his skill, Pau Gasol can be completely abused by someone like Dwight Howard, or Shaq, or Nene, or Brendan Haywood (okay, maybe that's taking it a little far, but you get the idea). Add this to the standard Kobe-shoots-too-much beef, the suddenly underperforming bench, the recent string of losses/narrow escapes...This LA team's not looking nearly as scary as they did last year.

1 (2) Cleveland Cavaliers
They welcomed Z back to a team that was cruising without a real center, completing the outright theft of Jamison and bolstering what's suddenly (seems like just yesterday us Cavs fans were bitching every game about the talent disparity between Bron and his minions) the NBA's deepest team. Cleveland's playing the best ball anywhere right now, and still waiting on Diesel's return. There's no reason to assume Lebron would want to walk away from this team, and in the same breath no reason to assume he won't if they don't win a title. So, being a Cavs fan, they'd better live up to this billing.

Coping with the Hangover...at the Water Cooler

Ugh. It's been a slow start to the week. If you're like me, you're still reeling from the weekend; a couple birthday celebrations led to a drink or twelve, and very little sleep. As if that weren't overwhelming enough, we were all the while enduring the onslaught of March Madness' first round and its non-stop clusterfuck of action. There were an overwhelming number of upsets over the NCAA tournament's first weekend (at least you're not the only one with a busted bracket), leaving an interesting mix of perennial favorites and complete nobodies in the Sweet 16. It was a great run; close to forty hours of top-tier televised basketball in one weekend's a thrill unmatched anywhere else, but I'm feeling a little overserved, like I just left Ponderosa on a serious munchies run. Or maybe like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in that scene from Wedding Crashers where they're collecting dust on the Washington Monument steps; bathing in the glory of their own excess. It was awesome, but I'm seriously burnt out and could use a change of gears for a second; a time out, a little water...leading us to, well, you know.

- Who impressed this weekend? The #1 seeds (with an obvious exception) came out pretty strong, especially in the second round with Syracuse and Kentucky delivering the kind of statement games that would startle any field, let alone one as, well...for lack of a better word, weak as this one. St Mary's look to be the safest bid for a Cinderella (God that sounds stupid. I used that term solely to point out how dumb it is) at this point, balancing nice shooting and stingy defense with the rock-solid play of Omar Samhan in the post. Please believe I'm rooting for them. And it's spelt P-o-ndexter, better remember. Then we'll get to Farokhmanesh.

- Back in the NBA, things are heating up for the home stretch as teams jostle for position now that the teams advancing to the postseason are more or less set. There's still room for Chicago to sneak up on the 8 seed (never underestimate the ability of the Raptors to blow it down the stretch) especially with the recent returns of Joakim Noah and Derek Rose to key an 11th hour push. Out West, the Spurs and Blazers continue to fight for the right to lose to the Lakers in the first round, while Denver seems to be the only team who really wants the bridesmaid's dress with Utah and Dallas beginning to lose the furious momentum they built up last month. Myself, I'm closely following the Nets and their backwards race against the wrong side of history. Shit, they didn't even look like the League's worst team THIS year...

- More irrelevantly, it seems Dwight Howard's feelings are a little hurt after a recent public lashing from Skip Bayless came on the heels of his over-hyped rivalry with Shaquille O'Neal hit (what I hope is) its apex a few months ago:

"I think everybody has a problem with anything I do on the floor. We got to the Finals last year with the same way I played this year. I'm not going to change who I am, I'm not going to change my personality. I'm not going to change anything about me. I've been playing basketball since I was three years old. I never changed one part of myself in this game. I've gotten a lot better since I've been playing basketball, but one thing that has always been consistent is I'm going to have fun out there. Basketball brings me joy. I don't care what people say about me smiling too much or having too much fun. Hey, I'm doing something I love. I'm going to be thankful and have fun doing it. ...

"I don't know what he could possibly say. Scottie Pippen said things, also Skip (Bayless). I know in order to win you gotta work hard and that's one thing that I do. I work extremely hard on both ends. I might have nights where I might not shoot the ball as well but I'm still going to work hard, I'm still going to play defense and do all the small things. Numbers don't lie...

Only people that we have to listen to are our coaches. Those are the guys that get paid to make us better players. Skip, he's called everybody out. He's called LeBron "Prince James." LeBron's one of the best players in the world, and he doesn't think LeBron is good. It's somebody just talking."

It's easy to see why Dwight feels he needs to be on the defensive, but I hope he gets used to the fact that this kind of criticism's just part of the spotlight, especially as a young player. People are going to call you out, start beefs, nitpick at your game and question your leadership; it's the nature of superstardom, you think Kobe, Vince and T-Mac haven't heard the hate out of everyone from players to analysts to the dude who's ten beers deep and two rows behind the visitors' bench?

Dwight, you're (apparently) a nice guy and pretty ridiculous basketball player. Don't change who you are, don't change your personality, but try delivering that offensive set you always give the Cavs with a little more consistency.

- Even more irrelevantly, some journalist in Miami wasted Dwyane Wade's time with a question about whether a shout out in the Jigga's patriotic anthem Empire State of Mind would factor into his free agency decision this summer. As flattered as Wade was, there's no music good enough to inspire someone to want to sign with the Nets.

This Week's Water Cooler

What's up everyone? Sorry I didn't get anything up this weekend; apparently you can't ignore your overdue internet bill forever. I had planned to spend most of yesterday writing a preview for some college tournament that's starting this week, but instead sacrificed about 3 hours of my life to the inefficiency of bank clearances and cable company payment processes. If this is what real life's like then I'm cool just staying in school. That's all straightened out tho and Basketball Banter's back in all its couch-surfing glory for another deep run into the NCAA Tournament. Before we dive into the Madness however, let's take a little breather from our hectic lives and chill out at the Water Cooler:

- First and foremost, the playoff races are close to over. The Ailblazers have finally strung enough healthy bodies together to put some space between themselves and the Western Conference Stragglers. Valiant efforts by the Rockets, Grizzlies and Hornets, who all battled varying degrees of injury and dysfunction to stay in the hunt, but unless the Spurs suffer a memorable meltdown (and as awful as they've been playing, who really believes this will happen?) it's time for a little high-stakes lottery. The East, while not exactly set in stone, seems to be about finished. Despite the best efforts of the Raptors, the Chicago Bulls have been sucking like a Hoover; their best two players injured, their losing streak at 7. Canadian basketball fans had better hope that's enough to seal their fate; at least with a playoff appearance Bosh might agree to a sign and trade.

- Gilbert Arenas managed to sneak out of David Stern's doghouse long enough to scribble a couple-hundred words for Esquire about - what else - what went down with his boy Javaris during that fateful locker-room mishap. His take's kind of funny, in typical Gilbert fashion, and while we can all have a good laugh in hindsight, let's not forget the monumental stupidity of what transpired here. Definitely worth checking out.

Meanwhile, Arenas also announced his intentions to change his number to 6 next season. Was there rampant speculation as to why? Reckless accusations of dishonorable motives? Nobody

seemed to care. Let's keep it that way.

- Speaking of Esquire, this might be one of the best ideas ever. Probably way behind fire but just ahead of the wheel in a historical context. Don't sleep on Adriana Lima out of the 4-seed; I still don't know what she seed in Marko Jaric, but between the massive paycheck and the supermodel wife, dude's a serious contender for Luckiest Man Alive.

- ...And the good news just keeps on coming: the NBA Jam trailer just came out. Looks sick.

- Tracy McGrady: ‘I Know I’m Not Healthy’. Amazing revelations. This is truly compelling stuff.

- The Los Angeles Clippers, speaking realistically about making a run at Lebron this summer (insert requisite punchline here), finally strayed from ineptitude by severing ties with Mike Dunleavy, the man who's become reknowned around the NBA for doing just enough not to get himself fired. Apparently not anymore. Clearly this is a step in the right direction for the Empty Clipps, but counting on them to stagger backwards soon is an even-money bet.

This weekend, the Madness will consume us all. I'll be doing live notes for most of the first round to stay tuned...

This Week's Water Cooler

It's Wednesday. You're deeply mired in the mid-week doldrums; work stacked above your head, too far removed from last weekend to be re-vitalized by it, not close enough to Friday to taste your freedom yet. You've got a murderous headache, it's raining harder than Dale Ellis outside, your fifth coffee just isn't doing the trick and by the boss' mood today, it's evident that things with the Mrs. haven't been at their best. It feels like you've been on the clock for many hours, and you reluctantly glance at your watch to find that it's only 9:30. Damn... As you reach for the pre-drafted resignation letter in your bottom drawer, you somehow manage to fight off every impulse in your aching body, take a deep breath, stand up and calmly stride over to that holy shrine of useless gossip, trivial ranting, and the rare token of indispensible wisdom. It's time for a break at the Water Cooler.

- While we're on the topic of beverages, it appears his daughter's ailments are far from the only tragedy plaguing the life of Allen Iverson these days. Allegations by Philadelphia-based NBA journalist Steven A Smith - a personal friend of Iverson's - point to AI being a problem alcoholic and gambler, whose life appears to be on a slippery downward slope. Iverson's responded to these developments only through his Twitter account, acknowledging that he's going through hardships (without elaborating) and thanking his fans for their support. Although I've had some very harsh words for Allen about how he's managed his legacy(I'm sure, of course, that he's read them many times and seriously taken them to heart), I can't help but feel for the guy. Iverson's had to abruptly face the cold reality that he's no longer a dominant basketball player, which has been his life for as long as he can remember. A steep fall from grace can really mess someone up, and despite (or perhaps becasue of) his reclusiveness, it's clear that things aren't A-OK for AI (alright, that was lame). All we can do is wish the best for him as he soldiers on, and hope that this intervention can stay amongst friends instead of evolving into a public meldodrama.

- Moving from something completely un-funny to something that might be slightly funny (or completely hilarious) depending on your disposition. Blazers center Ghostface Przybilla, recovering from season-ending knee surgery, managed to re-injure himself, not on the treadmill, not in rebounding drills, but by slipping the shower, just the latest in a long line of devastating blows to Portland's health this year. As unfortunate and terrible as this is, the irony of this a) happening to the Blazers and b) not happening to Greg Oden, is pure gold.

- Interesting work from my main man Frank Hughes, who sees some confusion for whichever team happens to land John Wall's services. Of all the teams with any hope of nabbing the first pick, only Indiana (and really, who wants to see Wall play there?) hasn't made deep financial or developmental commitments at the one-spot, so he might have to share a spotlight or be forced out of position. It'll be an interesting dilemma, but the lottery winners, if they are crazy enough to trade Wall's rights, should have no shortage of enticing offers. God, I hope it's the T-Wolves.

(Also in the same link, check out Frank's take on Jordan's new ownership of the Bobcats. Reailty bites.)

- Speaking of Jordan, of course he will. It's only a matter of time before they acquire Tyler Hansbrough, sign Joe Forte to replace Flip Murray, and formally apply for a move to Chapel Hill.
- Michael Finley is now a Boston Celtic, marking just the third time in NBA history that a team has suited up four players with 1000 games on the 'ol odometer. There's plenty of stances to take on the experience vs. youth debate, but the way Doc Rivers' squad's been playing these days, he's not happy about that stat.

- History was made yesterday when the Warriors announced that F/C Andris Biedrins would be missing the remainder of the season to undergo surgery on a torn abdominal muscle. Biedrins' latest injury cements his dubious honor as the worst single-season free-throw shooter the NBA has ever seen, hitting on 4 of 25 attempts for a scintillating 16% clip. Somewhere, Joakim Noah is smiling.

- On a closing note, I'll leave you with this: With the reigning champs looking very human and a number of teams seemingly ready to seize the crown, could The Larry O'Brien Trophy be more up for grabs right now than it was all last decade? Discuss.

Good luck surviving 'til the weekend everyone. Don't sleep on the Bucks. Peace.

Game Notes: Lakers @ Magic

Nine months ago, the Los Angeles Lakers wrote the latest chapter in a rather storied history, winning their 15th championship over the ambitious Orlando Magic. Since then, neither team has shown the kind of consistent play that makes one think they'll surely meet again for the title. As both try to hit their stride for the season's final stretch, their paths collide in south Florida, the second game in a Sunday quadruple-header (!)...Almost makes up for the curling. We pick things up midway through the first, Lakers are leading 12-10 (had to eat)

- Vince Carter. Big offseason shift from Hedo Turkoglu...Definitely a better player, just maybe not a better fit in Orlando. He needs to be far more aggressive than he's been on offense, and has shown more of it in the first 5 minutes of this game than the first 3 quarters against Cleveland the other week.

- Dwight puts the kind of swat on Ron Artest that will stick with him for the rest of the game. In related news, Artest finally crossed into the RodmanHair realm of insanity, rocking "defense" written in three different languages...in Laker yellow and purple. Some things just never change.

- With Bynum on the bench in foul trouble, the Magic are assaulting the Lakers inside; Pau's (unsurprisingly) not putting up much of a fight against Dwight...Luckily for LA, Kobe's shaking off a stomach virus and starting 5-7 on an array of jumpers and nice post moves. I don't hear Pau complaining right now.

- Another monster dunk for Dwight as he shakes off three Lakers trying to deny the entry pass. Gasol's completely helpless, but he's saved by the whistle as Dwight picks up his 2nd foul at the other end.

- Carter keeps attacking, drawing contact on a strong drive for - get this - his fifth trip to the line. No, I haven't misplaced this, it's really still the first quarter.

- ABC's mercilessly plugging the Oscars in anticipation of their broadcast tonight. Really hope they cut this out; I care about Mike Breen's opinion of Avatar less than Gene Shalit's 6th Man favorites.

- VC for three! Haven't seen this Vince since '02; he's got 15 in the first.

- Pietrus smothers Kobe's quarter-ending attempt; Orlando up 31-24 after one.

- The Polish Hammer falls hard on Lamar Odom; LA's just being abused in the paint.

- Mickael Pietrus might be to a season what Robert Horry is to a game. Their x-factor in last year's playoffs; he was nowhere to be found earlier in the year, has recently come out of his shell and opens this game with a few nice jumpers and some impressive D on Kobe.

- Howard checks in.

- Howard picks up a third foul.

- Howard checks out.

- ...Good thing Gortat's havin' a time against an LA D that's confirming every theory about them being soft inside.

- Jameer Nelson and Derek Fisher are being soft outside on the other hand, netting a pair of silky jumpers from long range...Ron Ron tries to join the party and tosses up two horrendous 3's on the same possession. 48-44 Orlando.

- Vince nets a runner in traffic after leaving Artest in his dust. His first bucket of the second quarter with 1:50, but he's above his season average and is perfect from the field and charity stripe.

- Gasol makes up for being a daisy down low, running the floor like a gazelle, trailing a Fisher/Bryant break for a nice transition dunk.

- As the half winds down, a confused clusterfuck leads to a commonplace bricked 3 from Artest. 52-48 Orlando at the half; Dwight's played 11 minutes. All is not at peace in the Zen Garden.

- The Oscar assault continues at halftime with "Dwight Howard's Best Picture"...the un-nominated Law Abiding Citizen. Still a badass movie tho; Gerard Butler verges on Liam Neeson-in-Taken-I'm-the-Coldest-Mother-F***er-Alive status.

- "Can that MyTouch bring me some more lemonade?" - Charles Barkley

- Good interview between Magic and Kevin Durant; I'm really stoked for next month when he'll be starring in the main event instead of the halftime show...and the Thunder's increased TV presence next year.

- Back to the game; Carter wets a wide-open three after a Kobe miss. Bryant and Matt Barnes exchange words under the hoop and get hit with double T's. Bryant, clearly with a score to settle, stares Barnes down the whole way upcourt and fires a blank from the baseline as soon as he touches the ball.

- After 3 straight misses, Bryant mixes it up, feeding Bynum on a cut through the lane for an easy dunk. Kinda wish Kobe would do this more often; he's an All-Star just waiting to happen.

- Down at the other end, Barnes claps back with a putback slam in Kobe's mug, where he hangs, jumps up screaming in Bryant's face, and somehow Dwight Howard picks up a T for subtly muttering something at the ref...2 minutes later and Barnes is still trying to fuck with Kobe, faking a pass off Bryant's face on an inbound. Bryant doesn't flinch. Barnes is putting in an impressive effort...to be benched/ejected.

- Artest continues his crappy shooting, muscling by Vince only to shank an open layup. LA still trails; 61-57. Riveting sideline interview with "Boogie", the barber responsible for the abomination on Ron Ron's head; apparently the script on his skull is Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi...Might help to explain the confusion with which Artest has been playing today.

- The $126 Million Dollar Man hits a baseline three to send the crowd into a frenzy and put the Magic up eight. Ya, Rashard Lewis, streaky shooter, questionable defender, top-10 NBA salary. They regularly hand out such contracts and wonder why they're losing $400 million this year...

- Kobe's disappeared from this game; three points since the first quarter. Lakers trail by ten with 2:30 in the third. And Whit Eboy nails an icy three, the hits keep coming.

-Bryant finally makes a nice dish to Jordan Farmar on the wing in transition...for an airballed trey. Kobe then clears out a defender in the post, draws coverage, and kicks to a lane-slicing Lamar Odom...for a dunk he takes off early for and shanks before falling awkwardly. Perhaps this ball-hogging thing isn't such a bad idea.

- Rashard for three! And one! Maybe he is worth all that money! Brick at the line. Ok maybe not.

- Third quarter comes to a close; if LA can't wake up and outscore Orlando by ten on the road over the next twelve minutes, they'll have their first three game losing streak in two years.

- Always nice having Jeff commentate a game that Stan's coaching..."Normally he's the worst third-quarter interview in the history of NBA coaching". What the f***.

- Kobe finally hits his first field goal since the first quarter; ironically a well-contested 20-foot baseline jumper to beat the shot clock. On the next play he works Pietrus in the post for a turnaround and suddenly it's a six point game...Enter Dwight.

- Odom wets a baseline jumper over Lewis. Down to four, might have a game here folks.

- ...Should've known this was coming; live from Orlando, it's the Van Gundys! Lebron wins Best Actor for the fifth time today. I need a Kit Kat.

- Shannon Brown nails, you guessed it, a baseline jumper. Down to two. Stan's visibly unnerved.

- Howard stops the bleeding; feeding Nelson for a layup out of a smothering double-team. Not to be outdone, Kobe draws his won double and dishes to Gasol for a dunk.

- Gasol's quickly deflated as he gets tangled with Howard on the offensive glass, stops to glare about the no call, then rushes back downcourt in time to pick up a flagrant while hopelessly trying stop a Dwight cram. LA trails 81-74.

- A peculiar call (offensive goal tending) on a perfect lob to Pietrus off an inbound. Didn't know you could goaltend an alley-oop, neither did any of the commentators.

- The Mamba's starting to wake up; Kobe buries a trey in Barnes' grill, then drives at Howard to draw his fifth foul.

- Milk carton: Vince Carter

- Howard turns a Nelson airball into two points off a tip. Kobe takes advantage of Howard's foul situation, hitting a smooth jumper over him off the switch.

- After a Vince sighting for a slashing layup; Fisher wets a three to pull LA within one...or make that two, guess his foot was on the line. Meanwhile, Vince is trying to end things as they started, driving into three Lakers for another trip to the line. Magic up 87-83 with 2:45 left.

- Kobe to the rack again. Unguardable. After a Dwight and-one, he accidentally tips a Kobe miss into his own net while battling with Gasol.

- A lost shuffle on defense leaves...Matt Barnes (!) wide open for three...icyyyy. Potential dagger? Magic up six with 1:10 left.

- Bryant abuses Barnes and draws what should be Dwight Howard's sixth foul coming over on help. Gasol cleans up the miss to keep LA alive.

- Barnes sets a no-called dirty screen on Fisher, who retaliates by chasing him down and shoving him, resulting in...a double foul? The strange officiating continues. When I wrote about the NBA needing to clean up the Donaghy mess better, this was exactly what I was talking about.

- After Howard takes care of business at the free throw line, Bryant wets a nasty three over two defenders to bring LA within two with 26 left. Lakers foul, Nelson splits...it all comes down to...A Kobe three! For the tie!....No hold up again, it's only a deuce.

- Vince gets sent to the line with 9.7 left...where he misses his first free throw of the game, leaving the door open.

- LA curiously declines to use their final timeout, Barnes defends Kobe's inevitable shot well and the Lakers are now proud owners of a three-game losing streak.

A Club Worth Joining

What's up everyone, hope the weekend's going a little better for you so far than it's been for Rodney Stuckey; glad to see he's alright. Also wanna (somewhat belatedly) wish the best of luck to the teams competing in the AUS basketball playoffs this weekend, and the worst of ills to the organizers of the Tim Hortons Brier, who ousted this cherished annual event for my hometown with a fucking curling tournament.

After I spent my last post shamelessly shredding one man's efforts to produce an accurate, thought-provoking piece of literature, I only figured it fair to share some of the good.

The other day, my boy Duncan shot me a link to Club Trillion, a basketball diary by Ohio State 12th man Mark Titus. Why Club Trillion? Well, Titus is hilariously honest and the name references the box score of a player who spent one minute on the court and recorded no statistics. Making light of his somewhat complementary role on the team helped Titus gain notoriety, but it's no shock that his site's become extremely popular. His articulate irreverence puts an entertaining spin on his perspectives from the proverbial "best seat in the house", and although he needs to censor himself for obvious reasons, is blunt and uncompromising. If you enjoy basketball and/or good writing, his blog definitely belongs in your rotation.

Stay tuned over the next couple days; I'll be back in action early next week. Enjoy the beers, the ball (...the curling if you must...) and the rest of the weekend. Peace.

Welcome to the Water Cooler

The NBA's an interesting place. Well beyond the game itself, pro basketball culture is inundated with intriguing characters, dilemmas, policies and sub-plots that spark discussion among Hoop Heads, but fly below the radar of the casual fan. Like a box of chocolates (or an acid trip), you never know what you're gonna get with pro basketball players (and the suits that govern them); there's always something banter-worthy happening. So here's the first edition of the Water Cooler; the spot where you can learn all you probably don't need to know about the NBA.

- Dominating headlines for most of last week was the apparent petitioning of the NBA by several contending franchises to bar Cleveland from re-signing Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Their longtime center, as you likely recall, was dealt for Antawn Jamison at the deadline so Washington could buy him out and save some of the money they're not making. This leaves Ilgauskas on the open market, where it widely believed Cleveland will scoop him up after the mandatory 30-day waiting period...I'm still confused about how the League's front office is supposed to intervene here. This isn't some communist regime, it's a very competitive high-stakes game in which teams are clearly going to take every edge they can. The Cavs found a team in a desperate situation and made a deal that, although one-sided in talent, worked for both parties, just like Celtics and Lakers (two of the teams crying foul) did in acquiring Kevin Garnett and Pau Gasol. That they might be able to retain Big Z's services only compounds the move's shrewdness, not by deceit or manipulation, but through a loophole that was equally available to every other franchise out there. So quit bitching about it.

- The League Office did decide to assert itself last week, not in any manner of relevance, but to crush the dreadedly nefarious...um...straw chewing... of new Mavs forward Caron Butler. Yeah. Plastic straws. Caron apparently chewed them on the bench, at a 12/game clip, since his rookie season, to calm his nerves. Given that he'd spent time in solitary as a juvenile offender, this seemed like a relatively passive form of stress management that invaded nobody's space and helped Caron keep his inner Artest at bay. Especially considering that Caron came into the League eight years ago and nobody's bothered to notice until now, this seems unnecessary. Why a League already hemorrhaging money and facing a lockout would want to be an annoying over-bearing parent to its stars is beyond me, but this is ridiculous.

- Once again, Allen Iverson's abbreviated tenure with a franchise will end with him gradually withdrawing himself from the team before bashfully parting ways in a seemingly inevitable resolution. With an ill daughter to care for and the Sixers going nowhere, it's hard to question his decision, but it's even harder to see him back in the NBA in any relevant role. I find myself writing the same thing every couple of months when AI fails to conform to a team concept, but the truth in it grows each time. I'll spare you guys the tirade again, but if this is truly the last we see of Iverson, what a sham it was.

- Speaking of writing the same thing, a friend of mine recently called out my high number of Lebron-related posts, claiming my fandom was creating repetition. While I'll be the first to admit that I built the Lebron Bandwagon and obnoxiously drive it through town honking the horn all the time, I write a lot about Lebron because he's not only the best but (pretty comfortably) the most newsworthy player in the NBA. An isolated example: This past week, Lebron won the Eastern Conference Player of the Month for the 849th time, but all anyone was talking about - on PTI, on internet forums, around actual water coolers - was his formal application to change his number from 23 to 6. Speculation abounded: James made it clear he wanted 23 to be honored as MJ's, but why 6? Was it to honor Dr J, or Bill Russell? Was it to align with his Team USA number? Is it a subliminal goal for MVPs and Championships?...Am I the only person who doesn't give two shits? Let him throw the Prince symbol on his jersey if he wants. When Kobe switched his digits a few years back, some questions were asked but there was nowhere near the media uproar there's been this week, all over something so trivial. If Lebron's involved these days though, a bar mitzvah would be headline news. Anyways, we should remember the man by his game, not his number.

- And finally, a certain sub-par BET reality series has a new co-star. Had no idea this was going on . Congrats, Boobie.

POWER RANKINGS!!!

Once again, Lebron and Kobe square off in a heated matchup for the top spot on this month's Power Rankings. Who comes out on top? Read on and be enlightened...

30 (30) New Jersey Nets - Their upset of the Dead Celtics Walking aside, this desolate bunch are still on pace to finish as the worst NBA team ever...Ive spent the last five minutes trying to come up with a punchline that wouldn't seem completely redundant at this point. Couldn't do it.

29 (29) Minnesota Timberwolves - Although not historically bad, the L-Wolves were supposed to be showing growth this year and making strides towards respectability. Now their best player's suspended for a DUI and they're 1-9 over the last ten. Expectations remain insulted.


28 (22) New York Knicks - It took Tracy McGrady only one game to shake off the cobwebs and deliver an impressive performance for the Knicks...and only two days to suffer his first injury. Regardless of McGrady's long-term situation, the deal will potentially be of great benefit to New York...in July. Until then? David Lee might start going gray by mid-March.


27 (24) Indiana Pacers - Irrelevance continued to dominate the Pacers in straight sets as they failed to make a deadline deal and have bottomed-out as the second-worst team in the East. Condolances go out to Troy Murphy, who was rumored to be on the Cavs wish list, and instead will soon become the longest-tenured NBA player to never make the playoffs when Jamal Crawford's streak ends.


26 (27) Golden State Warriors - Steph Curry's late push for ROY consideration has silenced anyone who still doubted his game would translate to the NBA; he's been nicer than a Care Bear while the Warriors won a relatively impressive 30% of their games in February. Meanwhile, Andris Biedrins continues to awkwardly challenge for the all-time free-throw futility crown, currently firing a 14% clip for the season...stay tuned folks, this is thrilling stuff.


25 (28) Detroit Pistons - They rise, not because they're playing well, but because they've been slightly less putrid than in January. They're still the team doing the least with the most, and given their rather stiff financial commitments, might be the most fucked franchise in the Association going forward. Good thing there's a team option on Jonas Jerebko; and that's literally all the Pistons can be glad about right now.


24 (25) Washington Wizards - Finally detonating an overpaid, underperforming core; the Wiz are in full rebuilding mode and now have the roster you'd expect to produce their perpetually embarassing record. Andray Blatche has blown up in a starting role and their deadline moves gave them a whole boatload of cap space that they can couple with a high lottery pick to (hopefully) finally take steps in the right direction.


23 (23) Philadelphia 76ers - With Iverson out of the picture (does this surprise anyone?), Lou Williams is back on center stage with his entertaining but confusing combo-guard charade. The rest of the roster continues to confound as well, delivering consistently inconsistent performances while the ghost of Elton Brands Past continues to haunt their salary cap situation.


22 (26) Sacramento Kings - Peacing Kevin Martin remains a debatable move (moreso because of its timing than its merits), but a cost-saving, Tyreke-liberating one that places undisputed Alpha Dog status on the soon-to-be-ROY's shoulders. This isn't cause for concern as Evans appears to be a rare talent around which they can comfortably build a potential winner.


21 (20) Los Angeles Clippers - Dumping Camby's salary made sense to a team that housed the conference's best offensive and defensive centers, but still wasn't making the playoffs. It's all about next year for a team that will add a lottery pick, Flake Griffin, and has the cap space to court a big name in their seemingly eternal quest for mediocrity.


20 (17) Miami Heat - Things keep getting worse in Miami as Dwyane's health continues to falter and the likelihood of a once-sure playoff berth slips further away. Who knows what's going through Wade's head right now, but Miami's going to need plenty of reasons for him to stay this summer, having given him, ah let's see...none in the past three years.


19 (18) Houston Rockets - Obviously transitioning a new player into a lineup is difficult for any coach, but particularly so when your team plays defense first and shoots second, and the newcomer shoots first and plays defense never. Once Martin finds his footing, Houston should be better for it, but there's a very tight schedule for them to get things in line before the playoff door slams shut.


18 (15) Charlotte Bobcats - Hopefully the G.O.A.T's ownership aura will be enough to inspire the recently stumbling Bobcats to wake up. Tyrus Thomas looked to be a promising addition, but the L's have been piling up and Charlotte remains tangled in a three-way clusterfuck for the 7/8 seeds in the East. I'm sure they'll pull their act together, but another lottery trip after a season-long playoff tease would be devastating.


17 (13) Memphis Grizzlies - After a brief surge into the playoff picture, the Grizz have lurked back to the lottery for some spring hibernation. They have plenty of soft matchups in the coming weeks to rebound from their lackluster month of February, but crashing the playoff party will be harder than ever with the Blazers at (sorta) full strength and just about every West team hitting their stride.


16 (19) New Orleans Hornets - Chris Who? Clearly CP3's presence is missed but Marcus Thornton and Darren Collison are performing well enough to keep NO breathing while their point god recovers. Now the question becomes: Is it worth it for Paul to rush back when this team's clearly going to be - at best - swept by the Lakers?


15 (21) Milwaukee Bucks - Defying all odds and expectations, the Bucks have pulled into the 7 seed in the East and are 7-3 in their last ten. The addition of John Salmons adds much-needed firepower to their backcourt, forcing Brandon Jennings to shoot less (never a bad thing) and keeping the strain off their offensively-challenged front line (also not bad). They have to contend for surprise of the year, regardless if they make the playoffs or not.

14 (12) Toronto Raptors - A Chris Bosh injury set them back a few steps last week, but the return of Reggie Evans can only mean further improvement of a revamped D that's propelled the Raptors to one of the East's best records since Christmas. Demar Derozan continues to gradually fill his massive upside, solidifying a core that will have to suffice for Bosh after he was retained past last month's deadline.

13 (10) Boston Celtics - If you lose to the Nets, regardless of injury, you're in trouble. The C's are confused, wounded and looking progessively weaker as the season wears on. Rasheed Wallace's career appears to be just about roached, and their aging stars aren't staying healthy long enough for them to develop any kind of momentum. They're a couple steps behind Cleveland, Orlando, and even Atlanta right now, and are headed in the wrong direction.


12 (16) Chicago Bulls - The improbable turnaround from their early season misery was highlighted by deadline trades that rid them of a painful (albeit talented) thorn in their side, gave them productive pieces for the rest of the season, and cleared enough cap room to make a run at a max player this summer. The Bulls have continued winning and set themselves up well for the long run, which impresses a slight bit more than blowing a 35-point lead to the Kings.



11 (10) Portland Traiblazers - Apparently treading water isn't enough in the West, as Portland staved off a potential end to Brandon Roy's season, added an excellent rent-a-center, and fell two spots. They still might be hard-pressed to do anything in April (especially from the 8-seed), but at least this expiring contract's of use to them for the time being.


10 (8) San Antonio Spurs - We're used to seeing the Spurs begin streaking around this time of year, but instead they're still struggling to find their usual legs. Manu and Pretty Tony have only been sporadically at 100%, while Richard Jefferson hasn't delivered the consistent offense they were counting on. Timmy D's been their only steady performer, and as well as he's playing, it's not measuring up when the opposition looks this sharp.


9 (11) Phoenix Suns - The much-anticipated Amar'e deal failed to go down...again...for a third straight year...completing to most anti-climactic trade drama of the past decade. After extension talks led nowhere, it has to be assumed that Stoudemire won't be in a Suns uniform next year, and is more safely assumed that his season will end when April does. For the time being though, the Suns' 9-3 February left little room for criticism.


8 (14) Oklahoma City Thunder - Anyone still sleeping on Kevin Durant as a legit MVP candidate (if such a thing exists outside of Ohio this season) is kindly asked to wake the fuck up. Durant's recent streak of 25+ has helped vault the Thunder to 12 games over .500 and the thick of the West playoff race, as their young core just begins to tap into their immense potential. Years ahead of their time and already competing; alcoholism among basketball fans in Seattle must be on the rise.

7 (5) Atlanta Hawks - The Hawks had a pretty ho-hum February, winning most of the games they should've, losing most of the games they should've, and (not surprisingly) doing little at the trade deadline. As it stands, they might be the team with the best chance of keeping their marquee free agent this summer, so I'm sure the status quo suits them just fine.

6 (7) Utah Jazz - As they charge up the West standings, the Jazz are becoming a trendy sleeper pick in the West. Not to hate on a team with a deep, talented, playoff-tested core, but as I recently noted, there's a lot of uncertainty plaguing this team right now. To upend a higher seed, they'll have to play their best basketball - without their sacred homecourt - while shaking off the distractions, which might be too much to ask of a team that took two months to carve its niche in the playoff picture.

5 (3) Denver Nuggets - With no real holes in their roster, it's hard to fault the Nuggets for remaining inactive while the trade deadline passed. Concern has to be mounting Mile-High though; with Dallas and Utah's sudden emergence, Denver's no longer the clear-cut No.2 out West, meaning they might be fortunate just to see the Lakers in a rematch.

4 (4) Orlando Magic - Their recent Cleveland victory was a definite statement game, but not enough for them to call themselves the undisputed favorites in the East. Now that their backcourt's nearing full strength again (and Vince is breaking his single-digit scoring hex), they can start to build the momentum they'll need to deliver another Finals run: Not saying it's beyond them, but the team we've seen so far this year isn't the one we saw last May.

3 (6) Dallas Mavericks - I'm shedding a tear writing this, but this roster might be Dirk's best chance to win a title yet. Their deadline deal plugged two major holes (lack of defensive toughness/mid range-low post scoring) for twenty cents on the dollar, and the Mavs, largely without Caron Butler, have reeled off seven straight wins, including one over the Lakers.

2 (1) Cleveland Cavaliers - Bonus points for swiping Antawn Jamison from the Wizards' liquidation sale, but responding with three straight losses wasn't exactly the plan. The Cavs' concerns only grow now that Shaq's thumb will sideline him for 6-8 weeks, but provided he's back for their seemingly inevitable showdown with Orlando, things should be just peachy.

1 (2) Los Angeles Lakers - Back on top by default after the supporting cast held down the fort without Kobe and their bench began to show the kind of swagger that champions are made of. With Bryant back, Odom flourishing and their roster free of question marks or injuries (something that's exclusive to the Zen Garden right now), it's once again LA's crown to lose.