The Show Goes On

12:15 pm; Sat, Apr 30; Banter Headquarters (my living room couch):

Roommate: What games are on tonight?

Me: (dejected)...none.

Roommate: Dammit. I was kinda planning my day around that.

Me: (increasingly dejected)...Guess we're hittin' the Palace early.

We're all gonna have to find another vice this evening. Deprived of playoff ball for the first time in two weeks, it's looking like a more standard Saturday night. A not-so-fast but definitely furious first round came to an equal parts unexpected and awesome conclusion last night, when the Memphis Grizzlies finally took down their first playoff series, likely driving the final stake into the Timmy D Spurs' coffin. While San Antonio and Orlando have a few extra weeks to stare at the drawing board they're now facing, the teams that upset them look to keep their slim title hopes alive as the curtain draws on the Second Round:

(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (5) Atlanta Hawks

Count me among the many who are absolutely astonished that the Hawks are still alive. I was just wrong. Wrong about The Collins Effect. Wrong about Atlanta's bench. Wrong about the Magic being the more motivated team. That being said, there's a large gap between a sketchy 4-seed that's played up and down all year, and the 1-seed who just faced a feisty open-round foe and made most of the important playoff-type adjustments in their first test. The Hawks don't match up terribly with the Bulls, but having no answer for Rose - either on D or as an opposing gun (don't give me any of that Joe Johnson bulls***) - will hurt mightily. Chicago's a much more sound defensive unit than Orlando, and if the Hawks are unable to score more than they did in Round 1, an offensive powder keg like the MVP could be enough to blow this one open.

Bulls in 5

(2) Miami Heat vs. (3) Boston Celtics

This series is going to be, by far, the best of the 2nd round. For so many reasons. Not only does it figure to be the most competitive from a basketball standpoint, but it also pits Lebron against the team that ended his Cleveland era in the most depressing way possible, and wages the battle of Good vs. Evil in NBA. Everyone knows the Heat; an arrogant trio of young superstars copping out to the fast-track to the Finals. Meanwhile, Boston's stars came together to fight for an elusive title after 10+ years of loyal soldiering. They Did the Right Thing; sacrificing their own games for the team's sake, having each others' back, making those around them better, playing every playoff game like a Game 7. They're the anti-Heat, and as such, 90% of the World will be cheering for them.

Either way, this series looks to go seven. It'll be the most top-heavy team in NBA history, vs. depth and balance, swagger vs. playoff savvy, ambition vs. pride. The Celtics know their time is now; that their Big 3 are all at 100% is a slight miracle, and with Rondo clicking, they look much better than they did in March. Their obvious concern is a certain #6; the one who's no doubt revenge-hungry and a threat to keep their best scorer on his toes every possession. Pierce covered Lebron very well in '08, but since then he's just gotten older and Bron's gotten better; it will be different this time around, especially with Wade looming. Both are capable of winning games on their own, but will need to thrive in the halfcourt together to win; something they've struggled with all year. The key to this series figures to be Chris Bosh; KG is his Jason Voorhees of potential playoff matchups, and a lack of consistent production from him could tip the scales Boston's way. JO's done an admirable job of defending the rim from a wheelchair, and if he can reasonably imitate Perkins' role, the Heat's inability to crack the Celts' D, combined with a lethal dose of kiddie-pool shallowness, should finally vindicate us from the Heat Wave.

Celtics in 7

(8) Memphis Grizzlies (!!!) vs. (4) Oklahoma City Thunder

'Nuff respect to Memhphis. Their 2nd-best player went down and they still pulled off a historic upset against the Spurs of all teams. That's f***ing awesome. I'd love to be blissfully ignorant and realistically act like they're going to beat OKC, but I feel like they'll have to settle for winning my fandom, because the Thunder are going to work them. There were 3 keys to Memphis' upset: Gasol and Randolph wore the thin front line out; Conley broke Parker down off the dribble a lot; Memhpis' frantic, energetic defense rattled the Spurs' collected attack. All 3 of those factors play right into OKC's strengths, as Westbrook is a nightmare to beat, Ibaka/Perkins are probably the best/toughest defensive post combo in the NBA, and OKC's a young team that will beat your press and punish you in transition. This is where Gay's absence will bite them; despite being an excellent defender, Shane Battier's not long or athletic enough to stop the Durantula; look for the venom to act quickly.

Thunder in 5

(2) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (3) Dallas Mavericks

Dammit, almost thought we had it: matching Spurs and Mavs meltdowns in the first round (too much, I guess). But Dallas showed some playoff grit one time and recovered from a laughable 4th-quarter collapse to close off Portland in 6. They addressed some early flaws, not much unlike the Lakers, who appear to have re-gained some of that championship poise that's eluded them most of this season. They'll have to be hungrier than against the Hornets, as Dallas matches them much better than in previous years: they have two defensive bigs to throw at their feared front line, and a versatile swingman to contend with Odom/Artest. Meanwhile, Dirk gets to face the only 4 in the West who might be softer than him, and Jason Kidd draws his easiest defensive matchup of the postseason. Still, the Lakers, even at 90%, figure to be a tough draw. Gasol's found a perfect target to regain his offensive edge, the Lakers' bench in far more stable than Dallas', and then there's Kobe Bryant (oh yeah, him) who's DeShawn Stevenson's best series away from single-handedly ending the Mavs. (Seriously, how many times will Bryant casually isolate JJ Barea anywhere inside 25 feet before Rick Carlisle completely yanks him? I'm guessing 2nd quarter, Game 1)

Lakers in 6

Grizzly Watch! Game 4 in Memphis

"It is the biggest game in Grizzlies franchise history. A chance to take a 3-1 lead against the #1 seed San Antonio Spurs." - Ernie Johnson

That's why we're here. Let's get into it.

- I spend the 15 minutes prior to this game privately freaking out because "Women's Hockey" is listed on the channel this game's supposed to be on. Canadians love their puck, but my cable company's certainly capable of f***ing this up. Luckily, they did.

- The early talk in the TNT studio surrounds Kobe's bum ankle and the MRI he's apparently forgoing. "Will Kobe sit out?" I'd lay similar odds to those of Sean Elliott hitting a game winner for the Spurs tonight.

- Tipoff! Bias alert: I'm openly going to be cheering for Memphis all night; They're an 8 seed who's never won a playoff series and they're playing the NBA's version of the Patriots; how do you root against them?

- Eva Longoria's ex-husband is torching Mike Conley early, with 8 of the Spurs' first 10

- Marc Gasol: strong case for Most Redeeming Toss-In From a Horrible Trade Ever

-Spurs are clicking early offensively after that first turnover; Timmy D buries a fallaway over Gasol to put them up 16-9 as Lionel Hollins calls for time.

- "In the NHL, you have to win 16 games, JUST to win the Stanley Cup" - Steve Kouleas. Thank you for that oddly-enunciated obvious observation. Really hard-hitting s***. I don't even like hockey, and I'd love to jersey that guy and fishhook him.

- Randolph gets the ball on the block amid 3 defenders and goes to the line. A quick player profile comes up on the screen: "Team Role: Own the Paint". seems about right.

- the Grizz are opening things up a bit, causing turnovers, pushing in transition, and trying to take the Spurs out of their game, so Popovich promptly calls his first timeout and calms things down.

- Sugar Shane Battier is owning George Hill right now, but the Spurs' hot shooting and Memphis' turnovers have put the Grizz down 26-21 after 12 minutes.

- The Grizz's youthful bench is making the Spurs' old legs run more than they'd like to be; Greivis Vasqeuz hits a huge 3 to tie things up at 28

- After a Spurs airball, OJ Mayo comes right back for a transition layup; Grizz up 2, crowd officially losing it. After how much sucking these fans have been through, the energy inside the FedEx Forum tonight could probably cause a nuclear meltdown.

- Richard Jefferson forces a layup through 2 defenders that sails over the backboard and out of bounds, touching nothing, and falls on the landing. Awkward Shot of the Year? (not involving Javale Mcgee)

- Tony Parker's on fire; Tony Allen is not. 35-32 Spurs at 6:40

- Gasol is giving the Spurs all kinds of problems on the boards, challenging for every ball. He's tipped at least 3 to open guys with absolutely no position.

- Tony for 3! Still hasn't missed. He's officially stolen "Pretty Tony" back from Toney Douglas, even if he made the reference more fitting.

- Gasol grabs an offensive board and feeds Mayo for an open 3. Body Up.

- Mayo gets loose and throws down a nice reverse off a beautiful backdoor feed from Z-Bo. Don't worry, you'll see it on SportsCenter.

- Antonio McDyess, he of the veteran sagacity, picks up a foul trying to contain Gasol and fires his mouthguard at the bench. T-bomb.

- Timmy looks tired, straight up. He squares up and loses the ball trying to move to the hoop; he never does shit like that, this is Tim Duncan we're talking about. Farmer's bet he'd rather be matching up with Pau right now.

- Lionel Hollins to Tony Allen "Stop shooting the fucking ball! You're awful!"*

*slight paraphrase

- Manu goes behind his back more than Tony did to Ms. Longoria, finding Parker for two on the break

- Mike Conley doesn't check the clock in time and sends the Grizz into the half down 50-48: San Antonio's shooting like 94% so 2 points isn't that discouraging. Parker's the only one in double figures....with 19.

- For a guy who spends his regular season shoulder-to-shoulder with Jack Armstrong covering the Raptors, Matt Devlin's found himself a cushy playoff gig; it's kinda like Damon Jones always having those great All-Star seats

- Memphis is attacking the Spurs, posting up Gasol and creating a lot of contact down low, to the tune of 3 fouls in the first 2 minutes, and better yet, a 7-0 run.

- Timmy loses the ball on a double-team. The crowd amps it up a notch; the camera cuts to Pop with a rare "Fuck My Life" look on his face, and complete pandemonium erupting around him.

- Confession: the Talking Ball that sounds like Shaft where JR Smith nails a 3 at the end is a pretty decent ad.

- Grizz are on a 14-0 run, the Spurs are handling the rock like a nervous crack fiend, with Memphis playing the swarming cops.

- Gasol, still wreaking havoc on the O glass; rips the rock away from Timmy D and scores. His effect on this game can't be understated. If I was in charge of the Jumbotron/speakers at FedEx arena, I'd have one of these on cue to play every time Tim Duncan did anything at all.

- Smothering D + efficient scoring = Memphis leads by 13 after 3. Suck It, Spurs fans.

- Darrell Arthur delivers one of those "more than two points" buckets, putting a huge swat on Parker, then outrunning the entire break to catch on oop on Bonner's head, put Memphis up 16, and send the crowd to Isaiah Rider heights (interpret that either way you'd like).

- New Most Hilarious Thing Ever, just discovered while Wikipedia-ing Isaiah Rider on commercial. "Oh you got Dana Barros AND Cedric Ceballos on the track?!?!" I'm so buying this on eBay.

- Spurs down 18 with 8 left; luckily, Brandon Roy's playing on the other channel.

- Sugar Shane hits a 3 to bring the lead to 20 at 5:40. I'm more burnt out than Timmy right now, but I'm still cheering at my TV by myself.

- Danny Green appearance = game over.

- "All I Do Is Win" blares on the speakers as the Grizz book the 104-86 victory, and unless San Antonio can do something that's only ever happened 8 times, after being totally owned in the second half, their season will end in the first round. Who needs Rudy Gay?

Watch out for Thorns: Back at the Rose Garden

I kicked off my last post with a bit about how shitty my timing was, and how excited I was to finally get to enjoy every second of playoff basketball, now that it's finally back. Well the Gods are either mocking me, or my karmatic vibes are coming back around for all the merciless Dirk hating I've done. Sure enough, my cable company's inept accounting department has cut my service for an allegedly "overdue" bill that was paid four months ago, leaving me in a nomadic trek between my parents' place and nearby bars, watching when I can, not enjoying things like I should be. I feel like Drew Gooden.

Today, I've decided to kick back at the parents' pad for Game 4 of the Mavs/Blazers opening rounder, a great matchup, turned Brandon Roy soap opera (more on that in a second), and my only upset pick in the first round. Despite their 2-1 lead, the Mavs haven't looked to be decisively in control of this series, and still look vulnerable. I wouldn't be surprised if this went back to Dallas knotted up, but this is also coming from the guy who thought the Knicks might stand their ground at MSG last night; hopefully the Blazers can make me look slightly less stupid.

Before we get into the thick of things, much has been made of Brandon Roy's tearful outburst over a lack of playing time, with many stances being taken on his comments. It's a difficult and delicate situation, and Roy has been through hell trying to get back on the court. But the sad reality is that this team made the playoffs without him, centered around LaMarcus Aldridge, and developing roles for other players. For Roy to return and expect to attempt to re-gain a rhythm, against a superior team in a playoff series, taking minutes from the guys who got them there, on two paper mache knees, if his coach doesn't feel comfortable with it, is unreasonable. Roy's an incredible player if he's healthy, and showed flashes of it in Game 3, but regardless of his former status, and heroic return, his minutes can't be pre-ordained right now.

Anyways, with that out of the way, on with the show...

- Catching the end of this Pacers meltdown is the most hilarious bonus coverage ever. Up 15 with 2:15 left. Up 1 with 15 left. With your season on the line. Joakim Noah just got left open enough for him to break an inbound play and drive for an and-one from 18 feet. Just unreal.

- They finally wake up, defending like madmen on the final Bulls possession and forcing a Carlos Boozer 3 (career 1-9) for the tie. Now, instead of pondering whether this was a good shot, let us wonder why one of the best offensive rebounders in the NBA was straddling the 3 point line, when a quick put-back would've been crucial. Such a shitty way for an awesome comeback to end.

- We've entered The Garden. Ya, after the dud the Knicks threw down last night, Portland's stolen "The Garden" from them, meltdown pending.

- Toss-Up: Wesley Matthews dropping 22 in the first half again, or Jason Kidd dunking on Marcus Camby?

- Deshawn Stevenson's carrying the offensive load early with two treys; 8-4 Mavs at 6:30

- Wesley Matthews promptly shuts me up with an icy three-ball.

- Matthews again, walking right through 4 Mavs in transition. Maybe Kidd's been on Air Alert?...And put on a couple inches?...And owns a time machine?

- Tyson Chandler was possibly the most under-rated player in the NBA this season. For all the (deserved) hype Dwight got about his defense, Chandler was the backbone of an equally atrocious group of perimeter defenders, disrupting penetration and waxing glass all year. He's been huge early.

- A perfect storm of passive offense and solid D, with a touch of sloppy play, has produced a painful first quarter; 16-11 Mavs after 1. 12 combined turnovers. Barea and Matthews have the only field goals in the paint. Good times.

- Barea knows no fear! Really though, his aggression against Portland's bigs is impressive, especially for a guy who makes Eric Murphy look like Arvydas Sabonis.

- Brandon Roy watch: 0-5 early, all jumpers. If this were the regular season I'd have no problem, but this just isn't the time to try and shoot yourself into a rhythm.

- More jumpers for Portland: 5-21 early, they trail 22-13 at 9:05

- Barea keep getting to the hole but the Blazers body up; first a Roy charge, then a Camby swat

- Hard Stojakovic foul on Roy going to the hoop. He seems shaken up, but I have little faith that Peja can hit this guy hard enough to take him out

- Dirk Diggler with a fading, off-balance jumper over two defenders, off a spin into the lane. I wish I could find Nowitzki (for some reason) climbing out of a zoo bearpit, so I could re-enact Wes Mantooth's "I HATE YOU!...But dammit, I respect you" speech. And then push him back in.

- Ason Kidd's putting in a decent campaign to have the "J" returned to his name. Take Wilt's 100, Oscar's season-long triple-double, and shove them; the most incredible stat is Kidd being 3rd in career 3's. I find that completely incomprehensible, somebody with connections is lying.

- Tyson Chandler: perhaps not the guy you want to run your offense through. Though, the way Portland's looked so far, he'd make a great PG for them. 35-27 Mavs at 3:30

- Aldridge turns upcourt, runs straight into Chandler's elbow and gets up in his grill. Chandler raises his arms and walks away. So Aldridge shoves him. Well, that was perfectly reasonable. 'Couple technicals.

- The scrappy play continues as Dirk and Miller fall to the hardwood fighting over a loose ball. Dirk: "So THIS is what playoff basketball's like..."

- Great team play from Portland: Aldridge deflects a pass, saves it to Matthews, who hits Wallace for a nice oop in transition....Matthews again! Suddenly the Blazers are alive and within 4.

- With Dallas' offense on life support, Portland closes the quarter on a 10-2 run. They trail 37-35, and their best player's been a complete non-factor so far; this is very winnable.

- Chuck on Carlos Boozer: "The key to life is knowing your limitations". How many times have those words found their way out of his mouth at the Palms?

- Dallas has 2 points off 8 turnovers and hasn't been to the line as the third quarter begins. Yikes. This game's been a struggle offensively.

- Both teams come out with more jumpers; watching Gerald Wallace settle for a pull-up is like seeing a girl with an amazing butt in really loose sweatpants.

- ..."the other balls" aren't the only ones you kill. Every time you're on TV, we all die a little inside.

- "J"ason Kidd wets another three, the kind that hurts your ears from the mesh twanging so close to the mic.

- The Blazers are 0-7 from the field this quarter and trail by 9, but Chandler just picked up #4 at 7:20

- More J's for the Blazers. (haha, seems about right) Now 0-9, down by 15. At least they're in bonus now so they might be able to get something going at the stripe.

- Dirk bangs a 2nd chance 3; Portland needs to wake the f*** up.

- Portland, again, gets no penetration and settles for a 3 from a streaky shooter (Nicolas Batum) who's hit nothing all day. Somebody, please slap these guys.

- Portland then has Aldridge BACKING DOWN JASON KIDD on the block, who against no double, kicks it out for another missed 3. 0-12.

- Ok, we're down to under 3 minutes. Portland has yet to hit a field goal in this quarter, in 14 futile attempts (now 24% for the game). As much as I wanna see Dallas lose, that seems highly unlikely now, and seeing them go a whole quarter would be really funny.

- Conversely, Peja bangs another 3, the Mavs are 8-14 from deep

- Finally Aldridge catches the ball deep and nets the field goal Portland needed 10 minutes ago, off the look they should've been exploiting the second Chandler hit the bench. Instead, they listlessly drifted the quarter and Trail by 18 heading into the fourth. I'm going to grab some beers.

Azienda: Ready to Rock Sundance 2012

Independent filmmakers from around the world flock to the snowy slopes of Utah every January for the Sundance Film Festival; some to spectate and celebrate, others looking to break onto the scene, and a select few who have managed to turn their visions into reality will be showcasing their work.

Of the countless films premiering at the 2012 festival, few will have the story behind them of Azienda; a twisting tale of deceit inside a mob-connected family. Shot on a shoestring budget by my boy Josh Webber and Michael Girgenti, the film was almost de-railed when a scary speedboat crash during filming brought a real-life brush with death, and took most of the equipment and footage down with the ship.

In a testament to their ambition, the young filmmakers - obviously phased - got right back on track, going at their project with even more focus: "We were able to do a lot of things better the second time around; it was a setback but it made us hungrier", Webber explains. They spent months living and breathing Azienda, flying between LA, New York and Chicago to finish what they started; the film miraculously will still meet its Sundance 2012 premiere date.

The trailer looks compelling and very polished for a film that was entirely indie; if it's any indication, the boys should have a hit on their hands. To find out more, check out http://www.aziendathemovie.com/

Game Notes: Knicks @ Celtics, Game 2

If you looked up "bad timing" in the dictionary, you'd find something about a Blue Rodeo song, the Adrian Peterson who plays RB for the Seahawks (the one who you need to type "other Adrian Peterson" to find on Google), and a picture of me running after a bus in the rain or something.

Very rarely in my life do things line up conveniently for me to indulge in basketball the way I'd like, but with school having ended last week, my bartending gig not starting til next week, and the US government going all Monty Burns on my other line of work, I'm suddenly left with the most free time of the year when I need it the most; the hectic 2011 Playoffs kicked off with the best opening weekend in recent memory, full of upsets, game-winners, and huge performances.

One of the highlights was a highly-contested tilt at the TD Garden, that saw the Celts narrowly escape thanks to Ray Allen, after they spent 3/4 of the game in limbo, almost got the game handed to them by the refs, then had Carmelo finish the job. Tonight's slate of three Game 2s kicks off with their shot at redemption; a chance to sting the Knicks at home and re-assert themselves before traveling to hallowed Madison Square Garden, where playoff excitement is sure to be at a fever pitch. Can it live up to the excitement of Game 1? Let's join EJ, Kenny and Chuck...

- Billups is out, so is the jury on whether (Pretty) Toney Douglas can step up...definitely better defensively against Rondo, but Billups' presence as a floor leader might be missed

- EJ: "(D'Antoni) says if it comes to it, they'll continue going to Carmelo"

Charles: "That's why they're gonna have a new coach next year"

EJ: "Well statistically he's the best closer in the NBA over the past decade..."

Charles: (interrupting, looking puzzled) "....is Kobe Bryant dead?"

- A Knicks fan walk smiliing into the Garden with a #3 jersey. I've got 3:1 on Starks, 5:1 on Williams, and 577,000:1 on Marbury

-Tipoff! Rondo sends a bounce pass to some photographers on the first possession.

- Landry Fields bricks two free throws as Steve Kerr notes that he's fallen out of his flow since Anthony's arrival. Coincidence?

- The Knicks are attacking the rim early; JO's holding it down. Donuts still at 10:30

- Fields nets the first goal; oddly enough a fast break layup off a beautiful outlet from Anthony

- Pierce gets mugged under hoop, loses the ball, which falls to JO, who gets swatted by 'Melo; lotta contention early....until Rondo severs through the Knicks' D for 2 easy transition layups

- An open Ray Allen floater from the elbow; might be the safest 2 points in this game...As I type that, Rondo slices his way to another uncontested layup

- Douglas abuses Rondo, but Pierce gets his back with a huge rejection, setting up Rajon on the break. Next play, he gets Douglas back, sending him to the bench with foul #2, and although Rondo at the line's a worst-case scenario, he's a monster right now

- Rondo beats the Knicks back on D for an open layup off the outlet. I think I'm getting delirious and rewind the DVR to double-check. OK, that actually just happened again.

- 3 commercial breaks in; I've yet to see the talking ball or time-travel home video ads. This is awesome news, let's see how long we can keep it up...

- Back to the game; Knicks have Bill Walker on Rondo now, who immediately gets beat for another layup. Boston steals the ball and gives the guy a much needed rest. Enter: Lebron James' quasi-stepfather.

- Glen Davis takes a shot in the face from Melo; you'd think he'd be watching that sort of thing after the last game...

- Still clear on the Unbearable Commercial Watch; also no Craig Sager sightings yet, which is somewhat disheartening; David Aldridge is like 1/250th as hilarious

- Anthony Carter hits an open look...wait a fucking second, Anthony Carter's still in the NBA?...and I thought Shaq was due for the glue factory...

- Melo abuses a double team with the shot clock winding down, banks an and-one from a very tough baseline angle, and gets a two-for-one. Not shabby.

- New York closes the quarter on an 8-0 run, but still trails Rajon Rondo 23-21

- *sigh*....Finally, we get a Talking Ball ad. I don't know if I'm thankful for going a quarter without it or just more annoyed by the delayed inevitable. What I do know is that if you gave me 30 seconds and a hit of salvia, I could come up with a better playoff ad campaign.

- Jeff Green finally gets some burn. I wonder if Danny Ainge ever wondered in the 5 minutes between drafting Green and trading him for Ray Allen: "In 4 years, I'm going to get this guy back for my 5th-best player, and it's going to make my team indisputably worse".

- Rondo's back in the game, going to-to-coast and drawing the harm. Given the way the rest of his team's shot so far in this series it's hard to blame him for not passing.

- Unbearable Commercial Watch: we've still been spared the time-travel ads, which although higher-concept and what some would call poignant, are infinitely stupider, and surprisingly crappily edited. Nobody relates NBA excitement to some crazy old man creeping out a high school kid.

- Jeff Green cleans up an ugly Pierce brick amid 3 blue jerseys; maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him; knotted at 28 with 8 to go...Green promptly picks up his third foul and forces JO to remove himself from his sideline ice chamber (drawing a delay-of-game after 4 minutes) and re-enter. Seriously, he looks like Dr. Freeze.

- Garnett nails a long jumper to bring Boston within one after a long 3 from Melo. The cameras shift to him on the ensuing timeout; on cue he begins screaming and flailing his arms. I love his intensity, but I can't help but be reminded of those corny shows where people fight meter maids.

- 6 Breaks in: still no time-travel, only one talking ball. #Winning

- New York's just murdering the glass; 20-6 over the last 10 minutes after a Stoudemire tip-in

- Rondo gets another layup; Boston leads the fast-break scoring 16-2

- The Knicks get another second chance but can't convert, and trail 38-37 because they're pulling a very convincing Butler Bulldogs impersonation this quarter

- Another talking ball; at least this one isn't a shitty comedian with a crush on Dwight Howard.

- Wide-open layup for Big Baby; I'd love to see Boston's shot chart. If I was Mike D'Antoni my entire halftime speech would consist of showing that diagram with the hoop completely covered by green dots, followed by ours with a bunch of mid-range red dots. And stand there silently.

- Injury update: Amar'e on ice? @KnicksBasketball#FYL

- Despite this unsettling development, Melo's come out huge and led NY to a 45-44 lead at the half with 16/10/4. Rondo's pacing Boston with 18/3/3, but the rest of their team seems out rhythm offensively. The Knicks almost seem to unintentionally making Rondo scorer by default; bodying up everyone else like the Spurs did to Steve Nash in the semis a few years ago and making it harder for him to create. He scored 40-something. In a loss.

- Interesting fact: Charles Barkley does not have a "Round Mound of Rebound", "I'm Not a Role Model", or any other tattoo. Even when school ends, the education continues.

- Amar'e's (man that looks awkward) back spasms are being treated, Knicks trainers are "optimistic" he'll return. No shit.

- Melo's consequently got the green light to start the 3rd. NY wastes his first jumper on a D3.

- Rony Turiaf steps out of bounds trying to save an airball. I've seen some animated gestures from refs, but I've never seen one Harlem Shake along the baseline.

- The Knicks continue to allow Ray Allen to shoot uncontested 17-footers for some reason

- Melo tries a "F*** you, I'm scoring" iso-jumper over Rondo, who gets the ball back and weaves into the D to find Pierce for a trey-ball. 12-3 run to start the quarter,

- Unbearable Commercial Watch: Ok, we're into the third quarter, and still no time travel ads. I'm beginning to think I might realistically get through an NBA game without seeing one of those annoying pieces of crap for the first time all year. #ReallyExcited

- Toney Douglas for 3 to beat the shot clock; he's been decent tonight, you know, aside from letting Rondo beat him like his child.

- Melo bombs another 3, but it's again wasted when Bill Walker shoves Allen under the hoop. T-bomb. Melo looks like someone at airport security just found weed in his bag.

- Stop talking about hockey during a basketball game. I know you're not Canadian, you don't get it, but you're preaching to the wrong fucking choir.

- Uh oh. Boston's moving the ball now and Jesus is looking holy (4-4) from long range. 65-61 Celts. The "optimism" regarding Amare's (I'm limiting one ' per word) back isn't helping much right now.

- Carmelo already has a playoff career high 14 rebounds already, which has come in handy...

- Flo Allen makes her token appearance; apparently she ran the Boston Marathon yesterday!! Good for her!!

- The bomb drops: Amare's not coming back. Down nine with 1:28 in the third. You need to win: Dig deep.

- The Knicks respond by getting stripped on the baseline; Pierce buries a contested turnaround: Dig deeper. side note: Paul Pierce might be the best set shooter since Hal Greer. Kevin Love gets more elevation on his J.

- Melo draws a cheap foul to get to the line and bring NY within 7; 3-4 inches on a 60-foot heave from Walker would've made it 4, but they're still alive heading into the 4th.

- "Sooner or later, we're gonna end up behind bars...But not todayyy (or for another 1-2 subpar sequels)" - Vin Diesel

- Melo stays in Beast Mode, grabbing his 17th board for an and-one putback. #RedeemingYourGame1

- Pierce buries another J to keep Boston up 6, but Melo keeps attacking, drawing the foul for his 10th & 11th free throws, then gets another transition bucket off a KG miss....Soon after he picks up his fourth foul: Kerr "I think at this point, you've gotta leave him out there". You think?

- Me: I haven't seen a time travel ad yet, I'm really happy about it

Roommate: I think they're gradually replacing them with those talking ball ads

Me: (belatedly coming to this realization) I can live with that.

Here's a good one: an hour of watching those ads on repeat, or an hour of sober sex with the most unattractive person you've ever drunkenly hooked up with (and yes, she's staying, and making you cook breakfast). I'd take the sex in a second, and I've made some poor choices in life.

- The Celts swarm Melo; he leads a beauty down the lane to a wide open Turiaf. Melo's hit some difficult shots, but creating offense for Rony Turiaf, that's truly impressive.

- ok, Carmelo Anthony is just in the fucking zone right now. 78-76 Knicks.

- 2nd chance points haunt the Celts again; Pretty Toney nails a 3 to give New York a one point lead. #LosingYourReligion

- Rajon Rondo has 12 fields goals; all of them in the paint. If his team were beating a 6-seed without 2 of their best 3 players right now, I'd call that damn impressive.

- Rondo, on cue, hits a jumper from the top of the key to put Boston up 2. He now has 30; a new playoff career high.

- We get our signature KG hustle play, diving on the floor for a jump ball like he was 10 years younger...too bad the possession results in a Rondo 3 attempt.

- The shot clock's winding down! Nobody's open! Never fear, Carmelo Anthony's here! He's got 42, and all the respect he might've lost from media haters after Game 1. Knicks up 91-88

- After Pierce hits two at the line, the teams trade duds for a few plays until KG gets the feed for a momentous, lead-taking dunk.

- Mikey D takes a timeout, and rightfully so, his last two possessions resulted in shots that were uglier than the girl I'd make myself bang to avoid watching the time travel ads.

- Jared Jeffries (!!!) to the rim, Knicks back up by 1

- KG puts Jeffries in his place, isolating him on the low block and hitting an icy hook.

- New York with the ball, down one. I wonder where the ball's going?

- The Knicks run a nice play to draw Melo's double away from the hoop, but a combination of KG's brilliant defense and Jeffries having no hands leads to a turnover, a timeout, and after they inexplicably allow the Celts to dribble down the clock, the end of the game.

Marv calls the loss "disheartening". Melo looks understandably deflated. What he did tonight was almost transcendent; he kept his team alive in a game they had no business winning with a stunning offensive assault. The Knicks must regroup and hope their injured stars can heal in time for them to shine at the Garden. The Celts escaped another close one: they lead 2-0 but by the slimmest of margins. They'd be wise to stay alert and work on the glass; it almost cost them a game that would've been humbling to lose.

It Begins...

So the regular season's over. Blake Griffin's going to be on TV less, but just about everything else about this transition in the 2011 Playoffs is going to make for more entertaining, and simply better basketball. While MJ and Prokhorov duke it out for lottery status, the real fight for the NBA crown looks as volatile as ever; a new favorite seems to emerge every couple weeks as teams slide in and out of Beast Mode (Lakers, Heat, Mavs), get shot in the foot (Spurs), or shoot themselves in ass (Celtics). The opening round should be a revealing couple of weeks (ya, it's gonna be a while), much will be unveiled about how these wayward contenders respond to the playoff pressure. I tried getting a hold of Tracy McGrady to find out exactly who was going to win, but he's been screening my calls, so here goes nothing: Banter's First Round predictions...

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Chicago Bulls (1) vs. Indiana Pacers (8)

Playing the role of "Eastern Lottery Team that Stumbled Into the Playoffs Despite Itself", the Pacers will be in over their heads against a Bulls team that outmatches them across the board and defends their key positions extremely well. Nobody on Indiana can even fantasize about containing Derrick Rose, and if he can exploit the Pacers' average-at-best perimeter D with the ease he's been getting accustomed to, this series will be quick and painful. Maybe the dogs get lucky and steal one, but Indiana doesn't have the firepower to overcome Thibodeau's vaunted defense.

Bulls in 4

Miami Heat (2) vs. Philadelphia 76ers (7)

Well, this is it; it's time for the Heat to really show us which of the two teams they oscillated between this season will show up for the postseason. Their first opponent is a cagey defensive team that doesn't mind running (sound familiar?) but will be severely handicapped by their lack of an offensive answer for Chris Bosh (without even mentioning LeWyane), but their underrated bench could cause some problems against Miami's Ke$ha-esque shallowness; maybe even enough for a W.

Heat in 5

Boston Celtics (3) vs. New York (6)

The Knicks are back in the playoffs, and as a homecoming gift, drew the top Eastern seed that's been actively self-destructing since Danny Ainge's awkward Deadline faux-pas. Boston's been doing their best Hank Moody impersonation since Mid-February, but they still match up favorably against New York. What remains to be seen is how well they can defend the rim without Perkins lurking in the trenches. The Celts' mid-range defense is still outstanding, but if Melo and Stoudemire can get to the hole, Krstic and half of Shaq will have their hands full. The Knicks could steal a couple, especially at the Garden against a team that's still finding itself, but Boston's too well-rounded for a first-round collapse.

Celtics in 6

Orlando Magic (4) vs. Atlanta Hawks (5)

We saw how this played out last year. Granted, the Magic are a totally different team, but Atlanta hasn't done anything all season to suggest they're any better all season. Joe Johnson's been underwhelming. Josh Smith might've hit his ceiling. Al Horford's been quietly spectacular, but will have to play the best ball of his life and take out one of Dwight Howard's legs to get the better of him. If there were an award for Listlessly Talented Team That Has No Chance of Overperforming in the Playoffs, they'd win it. Which is why they're going to lose.

Magic in 5

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Antonio Spurs (1) vs. Memphis Grizzlies (8)

Despite being a 1/8, this could be one of the more interesting opening-round series. San Antonio's walking wounded (Ginobili=out for Game1, Duncan+Parker<100%) and Memphis boasts a not-all-that-shallow-anymore bench and can grind in the molasses-pace halfcourt the Spurs play. Ginobili's convalescence is the key; Memphis has found ways to score without Rudy Gay and can steal Game 1 without him, but it's hard to see the Spurs losing; they're too deep, smart and experienced to fall this early.

Spurs in 6

Los Angeles Lakers (2) vs. New Orleans Hornets (7)

After Bynum's false alarm, the Lakeshow appears to be back on schedule to murk the West-less Hornets like one of those blue zap-lamps, and send the NBA media into a "When Will David Stern trade Chris Paul to the Knicks?" speculation frenzy. Despite Carl Landry's best efforts, this team is too thin beneath Chris Paul to fuck with the two-time defending champs. LA, much like Miami, has had trouble deciding whether they want to be brilliant or awful this season; look for this to be a statement series that they're not to be taken lightly.

Lakers in 4

Dallas Mavericks (3) vs. Portland Trailblazers (6)

(Upset Alert!) Because I've gotta go with one, Portland's probably the most underrated team in the Playoffs, and the Mavs are an easy target for a first-round collapse. Dallas has been wildly inconsistent this season, prime to be caught off guard by a team that's suddenly healthy and both deep and talented enough to cause them a lot of problems. Dirk cannot defend Lamarcus Aldridge, who's comfortable enough on the elbow to make Tyson Chandler's help irrelevant. Brandon Roy could probably put up 20 on the Beaubois/Barea/Terry/Kidd backcourt in a wheelchair. Camby/Wallace is probably a better defensive-specialist/wild card combo than Chandler/Marion. Maybe the Mavs bring their game faces, but a team with a long history of playoff meltdowns, who hasn't brought in any established postseason performers, shouldn't be counted on for it. Portland can do this: Make Greg Oden proud.

Blazers in 6

Oklahoma City Thunder (4) vs. Denver Nuggets (5)

A lot of people are talking up the Nuggets and their post-Melo success like they're some sort of Dark Horse contender out West. I think those people are on acid. Denver's young and talented; they have an intriguing roster with depth to spare, but they lack many essential playoff ingredients: Nobody on their team (with the exception of Kenyon Martin, and possibly Nene) has played meaningful playoff basketball. None of their players are consistent go-to scoring options. Speaking of which, they have nobody to stop Russell Westbrook or Kevin Durant (if you have HD, you'll probably be able to see Durant's eyes twinkle when he catches Gallinari alone on the perimeter), and the Ibaka/Perkins monster makes OKC a much more formidable defensive foe, one that Denver will have a much tougher time beating at their own high-octane game. The Nuggets played the Melo deal perfectly; they coyly baited a desperate team with valuable assets, like a trampy gold-digger marrying some terminally ill 80-year-old gajillionaire. They came out of it looking as good as possible heading forward, but this isn't a team built to win in the playoffs, especially not against OKC: your REAL Western Conference Dark Horse.

Thunder in 5

The 2011 NBA Awards (or at least how they should be)

I wish I could plan an awards show for the NBA. It would kick so much ass.

I'd start by scrapping the voting process, assigning 25% of the vote value to the players, another 25% to the coaches (applying the "other team" rule), and the remaining 50% to media members, pending the results of clinical bias and GED exams (we need to weed out whoever gave Mike Bibby, Sam Cassell and PJ Brown MVP votes). Those who passed would be required to sit at the front of the crowd during a televised ceremony, and hold up their vote as the award is announced, Slam Dunk Contest-style. Everyone's accountable.

Next, rent out some sick Las Vegas venue, the MGM or something, because this is a celebration, and if you're gonna do it big, that's where you go; a bigger party makes for a more entertaining show. The invitation list would be far from exclusive; obviously all the players and staff, owners and friends, relevant celebrities, former players and superfans (I see you Nav Bhatia! ), but let anybody with the dollar who enjoys the game come be a part of it. Make this the biggest fucking party in the World; get Patron and Grey Goose to sponsor, have bars (with waterfalls) everywhere, hire a few roadies under the table to hand out illicit substances in the bathroom, dancing ladies, fireworks, the whole nine. David Stern would fire me immediately.

Obviously, EJ, Kenny and Chuck would host, with Craig Sager roaming the crowd to harass the attendees, contractually obligated to change suits every commercial break.

The show gets set off with a performance from Deadmau5, with Lupe and Kid Cudi on the mic to set a hype mood. TNT's Big 3 are introduced for a brief comedy intro (you know, where the hosts make fun of people in crowd and they pretend to find it funny 'cause they're on TV while throwing a mental hissy-fit) before getting down to business....

The evening's first two awards are given out Miss USA-style to acknowledge the All-Rookie and All-Defense teams, with the players being called onstage for recognition before the nominees get read:

All Rookie - Second Team: G-Greivis Vasquez, Grizzlies; G-Jordan Crawford, Wizards; F- Patrick Patterson, Rockets; F-Paul George, Pacers, C-Greg Monroe, Pistons

First Team: G-John Wall, Wizards; G-Landry Fields, Knicks; F-Blake Griffin, Clippers; F-Ed Davis, Raptors; C-DeMarcus Cousins, Kings

Evelope please, onto the first award...

Rookie of the Year, presented by Tim Duncan and Darko Milicic

Nominees: John Wall, Washington Wizards; DeMarcus Cousins, Sacrameto Kings; Landry Fields, New York Knicks; Greg Monroe, Detroit Pistons

Winner: Blake Griffin, LA Clippers

The crowd gives him a hearty, yet subdued ovation; one that's slightly muffled by this award having been decided in December, unlike those that so many of his electric dunks evoked. He calmly struts to the stage and accepts the award with Ray Allen-like class, thanks his teammates, family, fans, God of course (he makes no mention of his coach or owner...), formally apologizes to Gallinari and Mozgov, and tells us he's "just getting started" before popping out the mouthguard and sliding off stage.

As a tribute, Griffin's highlight reel from this season runs, beginning with a few nice finesse plays, building up with some nice transition dunks, and gradually ascending towards his truly humiliating facials (showing live reactions from his victims out in the crowd on a picture-in-picture). The hour of footage might be the most entertaining of the broadcast; it's shame it had to come so early. Oh well, on with the show...

Before DPOY, the All-Defense teams get their due:

Second Team: G- Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Andre Iguodala, Sixers; F-Luol Deng, Bulls; F-Tim Duncan, Spurs; C-Tyson Chandler, Mavs

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; F-Josh Smith, Hawks; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

Defensive Player of the Year, presented by Bill Russell

Nominees: Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics; Tyson Chandler, Dallas Mavericks; Josh Smith, Atlanta Hawks; Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Winner: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

Another landslide winner, Howard's all smiles as he hits the stage, especially giddy to be handed the trophy by the greatest defender who ever lived. He leans in to shake Russell's hand, but is met with an icy grip, and the smile quickly fades from his face as Russ shoots him a scornful glare. They awkwardly man-hug for appearances' sake, when Russ, out-of-touch with technology and unaware that his mic hears every word, whispers "Stop being so f***ing friendly to the other team. They're your enemies. And you know they get the ball back every time you needlessly swat it into the stands right?" Howard seems stunned as they part ways, Russell glaring in disdain over his shoulder as he exits stage right. Dwight, appearing shameful and sheepish for the first time in his life, says nothing and shyly saunters offstage. It's sad, but somewhat appropriate, as Howard quite literally had nobody to thank; he was the Orlando Magic's defense this season.

The mood gets lightened by some uplifting music courtesy Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg, dropping several blunts per song while they move the crowd. The atmosphere immediately improves, which is a nice interlude to the next award;

Most Improved Player, presented by the homeless dude the Cavs hired for their play-by-play

Nominees: Dorrell Wright, Golden State Warriors; LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trailblazers; Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls; Demar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors

Winner: Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

In a category that had so many worthy contenders, it took something historic to set a guy on the lowly Timberwolves apart. The place goes bananas as K-Love, wearing jeans and a "Numb#rs" t-shirt, also accepts the "Best Unathletic White Guy" and "Unlikely Fantasy Monster" awards. Several posses of nominated players begin fights in the crowd, including Master P and Lil Romeo brawling with Michael Beasley and David Kahn (who actually holds his own, landing a few solid hooks). The beef's understandable; this was a heated category, by far the toughest decision this year, but regardless of how shitty his team was, Love's leap from bench utility guy to franchise player couldn't be ignored.

The next segment honors Javale McGee, the Washington Wizards center who made it to the Dunk Contest with his fearless, irrational, and hilarious forays to the hoop, and almost won the damn thing. The big screen displays his Greatest Hits (most of which are Misses), while R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" plays gently. Everybody gets a great laugh, and Craig is of course there to embellish upon every minute of Javale's misery. (I'd be crooked not to admit that this video was entirely my buddy Potter's idea, but it had to be a part of any legitimate tribute to the NBA season)

The next musical interlude comes courtesy of Rihanna, followed by Drake; the two join forces in between for a brief medley of "Whats My Name", during which Drizzy finally breaks down tells her everyone on the planet knows her name and to please shut up.

Sixth Man of the Year, presented by Gary Sinise and Paul Giamatti

Nominees: Jason Terry, Dallas Mavericks; Jamal Crawford, Atlanta Hawks; Marcin Gortat, Orlando Magic/Phoenix Suns; George Hill, San Antonio Spurs

Winner: Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Lakers

In a year many contenders spent lots of time starting for injured teammates, Odom made the most of Andrew Bynum's annual breakdown and was a model of consistency and hard work on a Lakers' supporting cast that fluctuated all season. He's (naturally) accompanied to the stage by Ms. Kardashian (who manages to snag half the camera time), and tries to get a few thank-yous out, but has a hard time keeping a straight face amid a downpour of perfume-commercial-related verbal barbs from some buddies out in the crowd.

The mood then turns somber for a tribute to those we've lost since last season: John Wooden, Manute Bol, Lorenzen Wright, Mel Turpin, Shaquille O'Neal... a moving couple of minutes.

Coach of the Year, presented by Gene Hackman and Samuel L. Jackson

Nominees: Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs; Doug Collins, Philadelphia 76ers; George Karl, Denver Nuggets; Nate McMillan, Portland Trailblazers

Winner: Tom Thibodeau, Chicago Bulls

Thibodeau is curiously absent from the ceremony (rumored to be studying Lakers game tape), so Bulls GM John Paxson accepts the award on his behalf: "Landing Tom was a miracle for us; needless to say he worked out a little better than our last coach. He took a talented bunch of players and brought out the best in all of them, adjusted through injuries to key guys, and kept them focused on a goal that exceeded all our expectations. In his first year on the job." Couldn't have said it better.

Prior to the MVP, the All-NBA teams get some respect, being introduced in an All-Star starter-type spectacle with Kanye and Jeezy dropping "Amazing":

Third Team: G-Russell Westbrook, Thunder; G-Rajon Rondo, Celtics; F-Pau Gasol, Lakers; F-LaMarcus Aldridge, Blazers; C-Al Horford, Hawks

Second Team: G-Chris Paul, Hornets; G-Kobe Bryant, Lakers; F-Kevin Durant, Thunder; F-Kevin Garnett, Celtics; C-Amare Stoudemire, Knicks

First Team: G-Dwyane Wade, Heat; G-Derrick Rose, Bulls; F-Lebron James, Heat; F- Dirk Nowitzki, Mavs; C-Dwight Howard, Magic

The stage then clears for the moment everyone's been waiting for...

MVP, presented by Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen

Nominees: Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic; LeWyane Jade, Miami Heat; Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Winner: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

As Rose, the youngest MVP ever; clearly humbled by this honor, gets up to accept, a highly inebriated Stan Van Gundy rushes the stage and attempts to steal the trophy, screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs while security removes him. After the brief interruption, Rose says all the right things and leaves to the clicheed "MVP!" chant from the crowd; only this time its legitimacy resonates much deeper. "Why not me?" he asked back in November; seemed crazy at the time, but he backed up every bit of it; his entire team rode his swagger and poise all the way to the East's #1 seed, while he created most of their offense and played out of his mind when they needed him the most; whether during injuries to key guys or against their toughest opponents. The "rose is all in" adidas ads that have been running all night are no joke, he gave the Bulls an incredible season.

The evening concludes with David Stern making a surprise appearance onstage, thanking the fans for their ongoing support, and announcing that there won't be a lockout next season. Or at least that's how it should be.